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Newest Member: waugh (44311)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: IC and MC advice?
Springanew
♀ New Member
Member # 42912
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Should my IC be the same as our MC? Can he be? And what about my BS? Can he go to our MC individually? I've read mixed things on is...and feel differently as well. I see here most recommend they be different but I kind of feel the MC and IC should be the same so they have the full picture and the goal is the same in the end. To heal as individuals and hopefully as a couple. Any views are appreciated.


Me: WW,40
Him: BH, 39
Together 6 and 1/2 yrs
Married: 4 yrs

Posts: 14 | Registered: Mar 2014
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BH and I made the mistake of rushing straight to MC a few weeks after Dday. Needless to say it didn't work and BH decided not to come any more. Now she's my IC and she's fab.

For me, I've found it helps that my IC has met BH and knows a bit about him. He came to 3 or 4 sessions and she mainly spoke to him so she got a good feel for him. It's helped massively with my own IC.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1208 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IC and MC should be different professionals.

How is it not a conflict of interest to be counselor to one of the parties in a marriage counseling situation?


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What my FWH and I did, was to sign an agreement that our ICs and MC could share with each other and if something big came up, could seek each other out if needed. It helped that his IC and our MC worked in the same medical group.

I'm of mixed feelings about the IC/MC being the same person. On one hand, it would be convenient as that person would be getting both people POV individually and as a couple. On the other hand, after our MC "graduated" us, I ended up going back to him as an IC because of some almost lethal TT and I don't know that he'd be willing to MC both of us again since my FWH lied to him.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4586 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We use the same person, but I think in general this is inadvisable. And honestly, I think MCs should refuse to do it. It's almost like a conflict of interest.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1065 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What my FWH and I did, was to sign an agreement that our ICs and MC could share with each other and if something big came up, could seek each other out if needed.

Same for me. We started MC, and had our MC recommend a IC for me. I understand that might not be standard, but it has worked out OK.

I wouldn't mind BW doing some IC with our MC. That is because her IC in that context would be how to deal with triggers, doubts, all of the problems my A caused. I think that would be appropriate because, IMO, that really is MC -- it's just dealing with half of the M at a time.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 385 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We used the same for both. I started with a different one for IC and BH used another one for IC and our MC. After my final TT we decided to use the one H used for everything because she knew our story well and she had both our best interests very much at heart. She said to me that she would not keep secrets and anything I said to her was fair game so if I'm not on board it wouldn't work.

At that point I was finally being 100% truthful and we all had a really good chemistry so I dove in. It worked very well for us.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 36651 | Registered: Sep 2007
Wodnships
Member
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How is it not a conflict of interest to be counselor to one of the parties in a marriage counseling situation?

It's not a conflict of interest if the best interest of the individual and the situation are the same. It is a conflict of interest if they are in opposition.

To me in most cases what is best for the individual is also best for the marriage. Unless the relationship is toxic.

At the end of the day you have to decide what you are comfortable with.

My wife and I went to see someone for MC and she suggested that we both go to IC for a while first. I'm done with IC and my wife is still in IC. We are meeting shortly for another MC sessions. All the same woman, but the goals of all the sessions have been the same.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

I'm going to make my last stand. This time I can't be bought. Then again on the other hand, how much have you got? - Todd Snider


Posts: 314 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
Springanew
♀ New Member
Member # 42912
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All good stuff....thanks everyone..keep me coming!


Me: WW,40
Him: BH, 39
Together 6 and 1/2 yrs
Married: 4 yrs

Posts: 14 | Registered: Mar 2014
Topic Posts: 9

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