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Newest Member: KevinTheAsshole (45445)

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User Topic: Need to make a decision
lilacs40
♀ Member
Member # 31314
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And stick with it.

Two weeks ago I gave WH an ultimatum. Because he wasn't giving me full transparency I told him he needed to find other ways to help rebuild my trust. He said he didn't know how to do that. I suggested googling it, reading a book or asking friends. He said he he didn't think he could do it so I said I would just be filing and after our DC bdays we could sit them down and tell them. I even took the time to send him a link to the how to help your spouse heal from an affair. Two days later he decided that he would read the book.

A week later he went to the library and they didn't have it and he gave no indication that he was doing anything else to obtain a copy. The deadline for this action was this week so on Sunday I reminded him of that. He was defensive and went to order the book off amazon.

We went to our MC appt on Monday and this was a topic that was addressed. The MC said again that he needs to not be defensive and angry when this topic comes up and I explained that there was many lines I had drawn in the sand that I myself blurred because I was not ready for my marriage to be over. This was the last one that I had and didn't think that asking him to read the book was being unreasonable.

Wednesday during a text conversation with WH it had come to light that he still has contact with AP via a chat room environment. There are other people around and it's never just them.

I said that was it. I could not understand how he felt that continuing to talk to her even with other people around should not upset me. . He said that he couldn't believe that him being honest about his contact would be the final nail in the coffin.

I believe that he is not conversing with her other than stupid game crap but I also believe that he shouldn't be talking to her at all.

I'm not wrong about this right? I have already contacted the lawyer and signed the papers and they will (hopefully) be submittedtomorrow.

We had one last conversation last night and he flat out told me that he doesn't think he will ever be able to give me full transparency.

He has also stated that he doesn't want to divorce but isn't willing to do what I need. I am grasping at straws (really dumb and 2X4 worthy I know) because I don't want to divorce either. He has not said that he would be willing to stop even casual conversation with her.

There's no hope right. Just file and move on is all I can do right?


I wish I could just stop I know another moment will break my heart too many tears too many time too many years I've cried over you

Posts: 329 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: IL
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has also stated that he doesn't want to divorce but isn't willing to do what I need

Well, there you have it. Truth, at last! He's just told you exactly what he thinks of you, your marriage, your pain, and his actions. He is OK with looking at your shattered body and asking when you'll be getting up to get his dinner. Broken bones and all.

Fuck him.

Cancel the MC because there is no marriage to work on. File and shake his dust off of your feet. This is all he is willing to give you, wood shavings. Lite them on fire and walk away.

I'm so sorry that he is so useless.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4962 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
LeftOutintheCold
♀ Member
Member # 42856
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, you are not wrong in demanding NC in ANY manner!!! If he cannot understand that, then you have to decide within yourself if that is it. Only YOU can determine what you're willing to put up with.

It sounds like you've given him a lot of chances in this time anyways. You are not wrong to follow your heart. And, if he's actually telling you he doesn't think he can give you full transparency, then I don't think you'll ever be able to give him your trust. At least he's telling you that and not trying to lie some more...

(((strength)))


Me - 42
WH - 40
Dday - 3/6/14
Married 5yrs, together 11yrs
Status - Headed towards Divorce

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2014
RomanticInnocenc
♀ Member
Member # 43041
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lilacs,

i totally understand that desire or fear of not being able to follow through with a threat because you yourself are not ready to let go of the marriage, and you are hoping desperately that by laying down the consequences that they themselves will not want them so badly that they will do everything to avoid them.

This is how I look at it though...

Do I want someone as my significant other that REFUSES to put me above both the AP and himself? I believe affairs are all about selfishness, your WH does not sound as though he is ready to give up his. It should not be his choice what is acceptable behaviour in your marriage right now, he certainly never consulted you on his own behaviour before, now he has blown your life apart, he should be on his hands and knees with super glue , putting every tiny piece of you back together, not telling you he can't not have contact with OW!

The hardest thing I have had to learn through this is if I can't respect myself, then I can't expect someone else to. Choose YOU!!! If that means leaving him behind, then at the moment it appears that is his choice! You are worth so much more than being second best to his selfishness! Sending you so many hugs, your situation is one that I fear every day!


Me: BS 31
WH: 29 (theseseatsRtaken)
DS: getting close to 1
Together 10 years, married 2.
DD1: 8th of Jan 2014
DD2: 10th of Jan 2014
NC: 8th of Jan
In hopeful R!

Posts: 333 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
Broken1Again
♀ Member
Member # 32211
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, there you have it. Truth, at last! He's just told you exactly what he thinks of you, your marriage, your pain, and his actions. He is OK with looking at your shattered body and asking when you'll be getting up to get his dinner. Broken bones and all.

Fuck him.

Cancel the MC because there is no marriage to work on. File and shake his dust off of your feet. This is all he is willing to give you, wood shavings. Lite them on fire and walk away.

I'm so sorry that he is so useless.

Right now he is useless, maybe in the future if he pulls his head out of his A$$ he will become useful and worthy of this marriage, but for now, you are doing the right things for yourself.


BS: 40
WS: 42
Two boys 13/11
Married 15 years
Dday: too Many to remember. 3 significant OW and many "less"'significant OW. Believe WS has bad boundaries and craves the attention.
In R.

Posts: 883 | Registered: May 2011
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry.

Your decision to make

#1. Stay with a lying, cheating husband who refuses to be open and honest and continues an affair (might be an EA now, but he is still with her)

#2 Find health and happiness on your own and show your children what self respect looks like.


Your choice...


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3850 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
brkn_heartd
♀ Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lilics40,
I am so sorry. It is terrible to be in a relationship with someone that is not willing to fight for the relationship. It is obvious that he doesn't care about you and your feelings, but about himself.

He has made it clear that he does not intend to do what you need to heal. Your choices are to stay and continue to be treated like this, or care for yourself. While you have drawn lines, you have not held to him. So there has not been the incentive for him to stop. He might if you file, he might now.

I also recommend canceling the MC appointments. However, change them to Individual Counseling appointments for YOU to help you through this process.


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1668 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
MissMouseMo
♀ Member
Member # 38562
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"There's no hope right. Just file and move on is all I can do right?"

<gently> Right.

You require only one small thing, and he says he can't be troubled to do a Google search or Amazon look-up.
So you spoon feed him and beseech him with a deadline.
And then remind him of it so he won't "forget". And he gets defensive and angry at you.

Then you find out he's still talking with her...and he doesn't see anything wrong with that.

And he says explicitly he won't give you full transparency. Ever. (Can't? And why would that be, sir?)

No, there is nothing else to do, hon. Honestly you have given yourself away until there is nothing else to give. You can't lower the bar any further. There's no "further" for it to go. It's on the ground and he won't be inconvenienced to stub his toe in stepping over it to reach toward you.

He is talking to her without a care in the world except you being crabby about it, and you're dying a thousand deaths.

I'm so sorry.



It is the gut-wrenching, down-to-your-soul honesty that helps so much. ~paraphrased from CancunCrushed
"I edit, therefore I am." -BionicGal

Posts: 373 | Registered: Feb 2013
Topic Posts: 8

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