This evening he left his personal phone at home to go to the gym cause it needed to charge... I went through his texts (which I already feel so shady and guilty about).. and I found some texts between him and a woman he works with... totally harmless stuff about her and her husband looking at buying a boat, and what my husband would recommend... back and forth about preferences between brands, etc. Nothing incriminating.
But even though it's totally harmless stuff, I feel a little betrayed. He never mentioned this to me.. and I know maybe it's hard to remember every friendly exchange he has with a woman... but still, that's what I asked for.
What do I do? Confront him? Or just ignore it because it wasn't that bad? I just can't help but think that this too will escalate into sending sexual texts and pictures and possibly eventually a PA. He works with and sees this woman everyday. Could use some advice here!
it's totally harmless stuff
In my eyes? Not really. It is harmful because a boundary was set and he broke it. Whether it's sexual or not, he broke that boundary. Please do not dismiss your feelings. I would ask him if he has been talking/texting any females (about anything) and see how he responds. Sending you strength.
First, why does he have to engage in texting ANY woman? Not necessary.
Secondly, he should NOT be having ANY personal conversations with co-workers or other female. Period. He had an affair, those days should be over IMO.
My WH has not engaged in any personal conversations with female co-workers since D-Day. My boundary, and it has been nine years, and he does not have an issue with it. As a matter of fact, the only colleague phone numbers he has on his phone are men. If a woman wants to reach him, e-mail (which I still have access to).
My WH A started out the same way....with a co-worker who was at a site 3,000 miles across the country....first it was about her project, then personal conversations began, then she followed him to Phoenix on a business trip just to step into one of his training classes for a couple of hours (she was preggo), after her baby was born, the sexual innuendos started.
Nip this in the bud, and I suggest you insist on no personal conversations. JMHO.
[This message edited by justasinger at 9:22 AM, April 11th (Friday)]
why does he have to engage in texting ANY woman
annb's entire post IMO sums it up...especially this:
he should NOT be having ANY personal conversations with co-workers or other female. Period. He had an affair, those days should be over
AND he's not being transparent. Big fat dealbreaker of what he promised you for R.
You're minimizing it a bit because your wall is up and you don't want to get hurt. But you need to be proactive now, before this gets out of hand...and if he has boundary issues, it will.
Anyway, I agree with others, this is a broken boundary and STOP minimizing them- you set the boundaries, "it wasn't that bad" "harmless" and "normal" don't apply with WS's.
Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August
Talk to him. Don't let it be ignored. My H had terrible boundaries (how did I not notice??) for 39 years, they did not change for the better over night, it's been a process. I feel very good about them now (almost a year in) but it's taken time for both of us to recognize the weak areas and discuss them and fine tune expectations and actions around them. Does that make sense? For example, in the beginning we both felt he still needed to be "nice" to everyone and that was hard, how do we set boundaries and maintain "nice" at all times. We've moved beyond that now, the boundaries are what is important and whether people perceive him as nice doesn't matter.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
I saw a text from my fwh to another male coworker about fishing or something and I told him I didn't like that either. We don't know this guy, why does he feel like he has to be buddy buddy with him? In our situation it was my fwh trying to be one of the guys (and they happened to be idiot, jack ass morons) that got him into this mess in the first place. I am glad we talked about it and he agreed that he doesn't need to be personal with any coworkers. Polite and professional of course but not personal, male or female.
Just my 2 cents for ya!
Hugs to you!
If what doesn't kill me makes me stronger, then I must be wonder woman!!!
If trials build character,then I'm animated.
Your H has had several EAs it sounds like, and he is getting ego kibbles from her...of course he is, he offers her advice and she thanks him..he feels like "Wow what a great guy I am, she appreciates me". Sorry, no way. He is engaging in the same behavior, getting ego kibble from other women. Why is he texting with women from work at all? Is this a requirement of his job? How did he get her number or vice versa?
This is not harmless, don't act like it is... Of course you feel betrayed, again. There doesn't have to be anything incriminating in their discussions for it to be wrong for him to be doing. EAs don't have to be sexual in nature, just the fact that he once again kept this friendship and private texting relationship a secret is wrong and a betrayal. I'm sure when you confront he will say he didn't tell you because you would get upset...well duh!! He needs to figure out why risking his marriage chatting with other women is worth it to him.