Our recovery of marriage has been all about me period. I worked through what I needed for recovery and set conditions of recovery. I did this with the help of an ic. I also did this and took the time to do this in the time I needed not his.
In reading your story it occurred to me, your focus has been on getting just use in other parts of your life. I can understand that for many reasons. My thoughts are much more selfish, I am the victim it is about what do I want to see in my future? I wanted to recover with my husband. I wanted an improved relationship with him, not someone different. The new relationship ideal was communication communication, and a safe place for both to share our feelings. I wanted him to understand appropriate boundaries and enforce them. I wanted to be with a man I am proud of. That is the ideal I set.
Where I am now is I see my fwh deep hard work as what deserve. I am proud that he works so hard continually to make a good relationship for both of us. I don't begrudge him our happy as he worked hard to get here to. In a noncodependepedent way I wouldnt feel in recovery if he wasn't happy as well.
This didn't happen over night, for me it wouldn't have happened at all if I was into taking a pound of flash.