I can't stop thinking about the OM when I have sex. I can't stop wishing my H would do all the things that OM used to do. The chemistry is just not there. It breaks my heart, because I WANT to feel it for him. Most of the other parts of our marriage are good, but some days I think I just need to leave, because he deserves better. And if I stay, I feel like I must give up and let go of the needs that I have sexually.
Don't really think anyone can give advice on this. Just wanted to be heard. I am in IC, but this hopelessness just seems to get worse every day.
Can you fill us in on a few pertinent details? When, and how/why did the LTA end? Does BH know?
What I've come to understand, and hopefully your IC is helping you with this, is that affair sex was like a drug. What AP and I had was, as you said, "chemistry," quite literally. AP was not a special or magical person. He was, I believe, an experienced cheater (and possibly psychopath) who knew which buttons to push, in order to give me that chemical rush and, therefore, get me "high" (and hooked) on him.
I can't stop thinking about the OM when I have sex.
Gently, my cheating sister, you can. You just don't want to. When you're feeling down, does thinking of AP make you happy? If so, that's the drug talking. Detoxing from AP was very difficult for me, and many WS can relate to that, it's a frequent topic on SI. So long as you give AP mind space, you're going to stay addicted.
If you want to stay M, you're probably going to need to kick the "fantasizing about AP" habit. After you get through withdrawal, many of your negative feelings toward your BH may begin to dissipate.
[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 8:33 PM, April 11th, 2014 (Friday)]
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?
I read somewhere on here that sex during an A is like heroin. Over the top exciting, pleasurable, addictive and ultimately destructive. Detoxing is painful, but it will improve over time. I'm worried that you say your H
can not meet my needs
Just one comment - I never said my husband has "sexual inadequacies." And it isn't about addiction from the A either. I just have a certain sexual preference that I wish could be met. The personality traits that my H and I have just make it quite difficult to be compatible.
Thanks again and best of luck to everyone.
[This message edited by journey7 at 6:25 PM, April 11th (Friday)]