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User Topic: Am I finally getting angry? Help!!!
Shayna71
♀ Member
Member # 42105
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm starting to really panic. It has been over 6 months from DDay. I was shocked and angry in the moment of discovery, of course, followed quickly by disbelief, pain, horror, pain, confusion, and lots more pain. I haven't been angry, truly angry, since then. Nothing like the rage I read about on SI.

My H told me he discussed with his IC how worried he was that I would eventually get there...some time down the road when we were better off. He thinks it will be harder for him to handle if he feels like we have healed past that point. At the time, I told him I just didn't see it happening. While I am NOT the kind of person who is afraid of confrontation, or expressing anger I don't think I did on DDay because husbands months of gas lighting had emotionally and physically weakened m...seriously I had thyroid problems, severe vitamin deficiencies, cognitive issues that caused me to be off work for over a month, my hair was falling out, and I'd lost 40 lbs in 2 months.

I don't think I was capable of being my normal self. My normal self would have given him 15 minutes to be out the f'ing door, and called a lawyer before he left the driveway. In a way I'm glad I wasn't "me". I don't think my pride would have allowed me to give him a second chance, and I love him, and I want my marriage to work.

But NOW, just in the last week, I start to feel anger creeping in...it's bitterness, with a hint of disgust, and a pinch of rage I think. I find myself occasionally making snide little comments...you know the kind...reminders of what he's done, and thinking them much more than I'm saying them. Out of nowhere, I find myself wanting to grab him and shake him, and scream "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS!!!" "WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU".

Finally, this week waiting in the parking lot for him to go in for IC(and then for us to see MC) something came up about an intimate act between him and the OW. I was hurt by talking about it. It wasn't anything I didn't know, well it wasn't anything he kept from me. It was about her sitting on his lap in the car. It came up because I sat on his lap and joked about the steering wheel being in the way a little. He said,"NOW do you believe we were never in MY car." When they met it was always in the morning, on the way to work, and they "parked". I never believed they were only in her vehicle like he said. He said it almost jokingly, thinking it would make me believe him more about them not being in our car, but instead it made me sick.

I couldn't wait for him to get out. It was everything I could do not to scream and try to kick the windshield out when he left. Really, I wanted to SO badly. I wanted something to hit, to kick, to break, to smash, to destroy!!! I was shaking and crying and feeling like a big baby. I composed myself and went in an hour later for our MC session. It was a good one. Im WORRIED. I don't want to be uncontrollably angry. I have told him EXACTLY how I feel...in specific, graphic, descriptive terms...and when I think I need to I remind him. I made a choice. I chose to try to make this marriage work. He has been a model WS. I know I can't get what I want by losing it. I want a happy healthy committed relationship with my H for the rest of my life. I feel like I made a decision mentally, very early...almost DDay...that I wouldn't get what I wanted by being in a rage, so I wasn't going to do it.

BUT NOW I feel like I'm starting to crack!! I don't WANT to feel this way. I want to allow myself to feel BETTER. MC and IC are going well. He is doing everything he can to show me and tell me that he knows why he did what he did, that he is working on those issues, he is committed to our relationship, he tells and shows me how much he loves me and values me, we finally have SOME time that feels almost normal. Sex is good. We are having fun. I don't want to mess up all the progress we have made. I don't know what to do!!!!! Maybe I should look for a kickboxing class.

ANY SUGGESTIONS!?


Me: BW 46
Him: WH 42
3 month EA and PA w/a mutual friend
DDay 09/20/2013
Married over 20 years
DS 26, DS, 19 DD, 18
Currently in R

Posts: 130 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Indiana
kiki1
♀ Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Shayna)))

yes, do kickboxing, break some dishes in the yard, box, do whatever you have to do to let the anger out.

I'm amazed you've gone so long without feeling any anger. It seems the majority of us do and with good reason. Your's may just be delayed, but will not be less severe because of that.

If its increasing in you, find a way that works for you to get it out, yet not hurt anyone else.

You know, sometimes, the effects of infidelity are long reaching. We cant even identify some ways initially that it will effect our lives. We only learn them as we experience them. As for the situation when you were both in the car, could that have been one of those times, hence the anger?

hugs,,,,,,,,


Posts: 672 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Shayna71)))

There is a process termed "shattering" that takes place sometime after DD. I think we all go through it....some faster than others.

What you described is kinda inline with my journey. Some anger at DD of course....but nothing like my "silver back gorilla" rage I felt at 6 months out.

I don't think I was capable of being my normal self.

Gently, I know you have some other medical conditions....but no one is capable of handling adultery in a "normal way". Adultery is ABNORMAL and no one can say with any certainty how they will react until it happens to them. Thats one of the real values of SI. Even my best friend comes up short when I interact with him...simply cant relate.

Shattering is healthy. This must take place to grow through this pain. Think of it as you emerging from an egg. Your M, your reality is forever changed. You will NEVER be able to go back into that original egg....it is shattered, and you are too big to fit back into that protective world anyway.

Early on I worried about going back to our old M. I see NOW that was never going to happen.


Best advice I offer you?

This RAGE is INTENSE! Unlike anything I thought I could possess....in direct relation to pain I never thought I could feel. It takes courage to do this, to face this. Here is what helped me.

IC for a bit....no MC. This is serious trauma coming to the surface. Let MC take a back seat to your intense feelings.

Exercise.....hit the gym, and hit it hard.

Nature.....took a solo road trip to the Great Smoky Mountains. Regular walks around the block are great too....just get out and get into nature. It has a calming affect on people.

Sit with the rage until you can't take it anymore...then sit a bit longer. I sat in the driveway of the country farm house where my wife had sex with her OM. I RAGED like....well, like an enraged silver back gorilla. By the grace of God the OM was never at this "weekend place" nor did he ever so much as blink an eye in my direction when I ran into him around town.

Not sure how likely you are to run into your husbands OW, but I would encourage you to picture yourself in that situation and rehearse how you will get through this without acting destructively. Again, my go-to methods failed me many times during my rage phase....so very grateful he had no spine. I assure you, I had many vivid fantasies of my boot stomping his head until I felt earth under my heal. See how dreadfully destructive and unproductive that would have been if I had acted on those primal urges?


Post often. Post often. Post often. even if your husband reads the RAGE in your post, it is a safe place to express your feelings while avoiding acting on them.


Keep in mind feelings are only inidicators that something is up.....feelings are NOT dictators. Triple check each action you are thinking of taking when feeling this rage.

Feelings change. RAGE will pass.


Gotta lean into this. It is hard, but doable. I did it....and I feel more broken then your average BS!


You got this.

We got your back.

I pray Mr. Shayna71 has read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair and is doing all HE can to have your back as well.

God is with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm amazed you've gone so long without feeling any anger. It seems the majority of us do and with good reason. Your's may just be delayed, but will not be less severe because of that.


It took me 2 months to even get angry...and that was with weekly IC sessions. My therapist KNEW I had anger within me. Codependent tendencies and FOO coping skills worked hard to keep me from uncovering it.


KiKi1 is soooooo correct. Doesn't matter how long we delay getting in touch with anger and rage......its going to be just as intense.

Peace.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
veronique12
♀ Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Shayna. I want to send you a hug. As someone struggling with sometimes uncontrollable rage your post really speaks to me. Your comment about a kickboxing class is a really good idea. Something positive to get the aggression out. It's there and it can come out in unexpected ways, though honestly I would have gone ballistic if my H said what yours did. My H has said some similarly insensitive things and it did not go well to say the least.

If you feel the urge to smash or destroy something (oh, the many things have I destroyed since DDay) channel it in a less destructive way. A favorite one for me is taking a baseball bat to the grass in the backyard and just wailing on it. If I lived in a more rural place and I could trust myself with an ax (!), I'd chop wood. Exercise too. I am a runner, but I found I couldn't run the first 2 months after Dday because I couldn't bear to be alone with my thoughts for more than 5 minutes. Now running is a great outlet again. Yoga is also terrific.

So I guess my suggestion is find an outlet. No one wants to feel this way but it's so much better long term to experience what you're feeling than to stuff it. You won't always feel like you do now.


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 568 | Registered: Jan 2014
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anger turned inward = depression.

Don't let this experience do that to you.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

,"NOW do you believe we were never in MY car." When they met it was always in the morning, on the way to work, and they "parked". I never believed they were only in her vehicle like he said. He said it almost jokingly, thinking it would make me believe him more about them not being in our car, but instead it made me sick.


Ummmm.....yeah. Guessing he has not read How To Help Your spouse book....or if he did, he skimmed it.

Your reaction was very controlled to this hurtful comment. Thats a flag....I did this. Took me down an alley to trying to own parts of my wifes shit. Don't go down that alley....it is a very dark place.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Furious1
♀ Member
Member # 42970
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am six months past D-day also. My IC was very concerned that I was turning my anger in on myself.

Last week, I finally found my anger which explains my screen name. I found out that WH had sex with OW#4 (my sister) in our marital bed. I asked him what sexual positions they used. He replied "All of them."

It took me a full day before I snapped. Furious doesn't begin to describe the rage I felt when it finally hit me.

I lost it. I called him every name in the entire book at least twice. I alternated between raging and crying hysterically for two solid days. On the second day of this, I finally exhausted myself. I demanded that we burn the mattress set and buy a new set immediately. He wanted to wait until after our vacation next month to buy a new one.

I snapped, but in a calmer way. I went out with my trusty little wrench and turned his satellite dish out of alignment so that it wouldn't pick up a signal. I came back in and told him if I have to wait until after vacation to get rid of their disgusting romping ground, then he would also have to wait until after vacation to get the satellite fixed. Needless to say, he figured out that I meant business about it. I got a new mattress set the next morning and had a bonfire with the old one by that evening.

For me, anger has been a good thing. It's finally given me the strength to stand up for myself and what I need. My IC told me that I should be angry after what WH has done.


BW (me): 41 WH (him): 49
Married 19 years. SD: 26 from his 1st. M. DS: 21 from 1st M. DD: 17 (autistic)
D-day: 10/4/13 with ongoing TT (last TT was 10/2/14).
2 OC with 2 different OW. 7 year EA followed by 8 year PA with my sister.

Posts: 358 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
Shayna71
♀ Member
Member # 42105
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mmmm.....yeah. Guessing he has not read How To Help Your spouse book....or if he did, he skimmed it.

Your reaction was very controlled to this hurtful comment. Thats a flag....I did this. Took me down an alley to trying to own parts of my wifes shit. Don't go down that alley....it is a very dark place.

He did read the book, and he didn't skim. In fact, we had already read After the Affair and a couple others along with numerous articles. How to Help Your Spouse REALLY helped him understand some things, and I know he really wants to do the right thing. I TAKE NO OWNERSHIP FOR HIS F' UP!! NONE!!! I've told him this more than once. I won't here ANY "reasons" for screwing around. IDC what was going on in the marriage, being unfaithful is just one choice out of a myriad of how to handle. I NEVER feel to blame. I was a fantastic wife (not perfect, but pretty damn great).

I've been going to the gym 5 - 7 times a week since a couple weeks after DDay. I also take classes on my lunch hour a couple times a week, and I start training for a 5k on the 21st. H and I do almost all this together. In the beginning I was too paranoid to want him out of my sight, then it became the ONE place I could put the A out of my mind and focus on something else. Now, it's something that we enjoy doing together, and an outlet for some of my anxiety. I still think it would be good to do something where I can be PHYSICAL. I don't know if I want to take a bat to the yard like Veroniqe (my neighbors are retired, and have nothing to do )


Not sure how likely you are to run into your husbands OW, but I would encourage you to picture yourself in that situation and rehearse how you will get through this without acting destructively. Again, my go-to methods failed me many times during my rage phase....so very grateful he had no spine. I assure you, I had many vivid fantasies of my boot stomping his head until I felt earth under my heal. See how dreadfully destructive and unproductive that would have been if I had acted on those primal urges?

I knew from DDay I would HAVE to see here. Her girlfriend's daughter (yes, she's in a lesbian relationship) plays HS basketball with my daughter and the season started just a few weeks after DDay. I had to see here 2 - 4 times a week for several months. I was REALLY worried before the first time. I am a very in-control person, but I was SO worried that I would do something in a fit of blind rage/pain/anger and embarrass my daughter. Told H his main job was to make sure I didn't do that. It was horrific seeing her the first time, but I found that I could control myself because the thought of hurting my daughter was way more important than anything to do with OW. She began following h around at games, and then moving to sit near us. After weeks of going crazy and the MC telling me to ignore her, I couldn't take it anymore and decided to follow HER any time she went anywhere (like she was doing to my H) and sit close enough to her that she couldn't move closer unless she wanted to be within kicking distance (not a good idea for her) that stopped her stalking. I also ran into her 4 times in the grocery store, after school events and once she turned up at our church. I have recurring fantasies of what I'd like to do to her. Maybe that's why I haven't been as angry with H. The things I think of doing are truly heinous...really physically violent...luckily I found out on SI that it's not abnormal. I do know, however, that if she gives me the slightest provocation, I will definitely become physical with her.

I know he didn't mean to be insensitive. It's hard to get the complete conversation, context and tone here. He new immediately after he said it that I was affected, and he was very understanding, tried to help me, wanted to do something...and usually I want him to hug me and reassure me when I trigger, but this time I just wanted him to get out of the car so I could scream and hit something. I think another recent problem is that he is farther along in healing than I am. He has talked about that in IC and we have in MC. He said he doesn't think about the A all the time, doesn't feel bad or negative 24/7 about things in general because if he did, he couldn't move forward in a positive manner. I get this, but IM NOT THERE YET. Our MC wants to know what we are doing to deepen intimacy, increase trust, have good experiences...etc. I told her we are doing those things, but I am not FULLY into that mode because I am NOT OVER THE PAST YET! So I think he wants to be able to forget, and I'm not letting him. I still hurt...every day...all the time. So he will just have to deal with that until I don't feel like it any more, and he says he's up for it...whatever I need, as long as I need it. Only time will tell


Thanks so much for all your posts. It really helps to be able to read them.


Me: BW 46
Him: WH 42
3 month EA and PA w/a mutual friend
DDay 09/20/2013
Married over 20 years
DS 26, DS, 19 DD, 18
Currently in R

Posts: 130 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Indiana
Topic Posts: 9

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