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Newest Member: SoWhereToNow (44221)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Need some help please...
srjb
♀ New Member
Member # 43076
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So backstory:

In October 2010, I discovered some emails from my DH to a women from a craigslist casual sex ad and when he was confronted he admitted to having an affair at work with a women and then he left me that night (and we became separated for about 6 months). We have a son who was 16 months old then. After we got back together he admitted to meeting 3 times with prostitutes (one of those times while he was with me) and various encounters at a massage parlour.

Things have been ok since we got back together although I cant say I totally trust him. He has still lied about things such as smoking pot (which he has an addiction to, as well as a sex addiction). I dont think he has cheated again. We did some IC and well as marriage counselling but he still has obvious intimacy issues. He rarely wants to have sex and we do maybe once every few months.

We cant afford anymore counselling but I dont know what to do anymore?

I have an urgent question though, my DH's friend's (more of a friend of a friend) stag is tmrw night and they are going to stay in a hotel on a mountain and go golfing the next day. He wants to go but Im really not comfortable with it. Apparently there will be no girls/strippers (but would he tell me if there was?!!) He thinks Im being unreasonable. Am I?

Thanks for any help- Its so hard to know what to do in these situations. I dont want to "tell him what to do" but I also dont think its even fair hes wanting to go when it makes me so uncomfortable.

[This message edited by srjb at 5:50 PM, April 11th (Friday)]


Posts: 3 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Canada
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unless we're visiting family, we will never spend a night apart, and certainly not for a party occasion.
Im A fWW and I expect this for the rest of my life. Honestly? I wouldn't even ask my husband. Nor would I put myself in this atmosphere. For my own sake but mostly my husband's. He should never have to worry about this kind of thing...


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Slide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4471 | Registered: Dec 2010
PinkJeepLady
♀ Member
Member # 37575
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My first thought is it doesn't sound good. Can he go for just the golf day? Maybe that would be ok?

Whatever bothers you should be totally respected, period! Missing a stag party is really no big deal, especially compared to your feelings of security and safety!

Good luck!


Me: BW-54. Him-FWH 54. DDay June 1st 2012 cheating with prostitutes overseas
R-ing
"Not everything that counts is counted. Not everything that is counted counts." Albert Einstein

Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Out West
kiki1
♀ Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 1:41 AM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stag parties would not be acceptable at this house anymore.

he gave up the right to do that with his cheating.

your feelings are not incorrect


Posts: 507 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
whattheh
♀ Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fWH and I never spend a night apart anymore.

You should tell your fWH how uncomfortable you feel and that you don't him to go. IMO this could be valid intuition on your part.

Things like this are a consequence that your fWH has to face for his betrayal of you.


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 476 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
srjb
♀ New Member
Member # 43076
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your insight guys. I told him to decide what to do but I told him my feelings about it. This morning he started packing his bags to go and I got upset and he said fine, he wouldnt go but that hes not coming home after work today because hes so angry about it. We have a 7 month old baby and our other son is 4 and Im sick right now, so I said "um no, you need to come home and help me with the kids". Not sure what hes planning on doing.

He works A LOT, and doesnt get to have much social time so he really wanted to go to this stag as its ALL his friends that are going. It frustrates me though because he expects me to treat him the same as any other husband. He said he would call me from the hotel and I could facetime him etc, but there have been a few times where he has promised me things like that before and then "forgot his phone" for three hours in his car so he was unreachable.

I guess Im still scared hes going to pick up and just leave me, like he did 3 years ago so I dont want to tell him not to go to the stag in fear he will do that again. Almost every time there has been something like this, in the end I end up giving in because of fear and he gets to do what he wants regardless of my feelings. It just makes me feel like hes not remorseful at all if he thinks im being unreasonable.


Posts: 3 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Canada
srjb
♀ New Member
Member # 43076
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even though when he first mentioned this a few months ago and I told him i wouldnt be comfortable with it, he just informed me he committed to going and so now regardless of him going, he will have to pay for it.


Posts: 3 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Canada
Lucky2HaveMe
♀ Member
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess Im still scared hes going to pick up and just leave me, like he did 3 years ago so I dont want to tell him not to go to the stag in fear he will do that again. Almost every time there has been something like this, in the end I end up giving in because of fear and he gets to do what he wants regardless of my feelings. It just makes me feel like hes not remorseful at all if he thinks im being unreasonable

Fear is no way to behave in a healthy relationship. I know you said you can't afford more counseling, but can you afford not to?

Is he dx'd a sex addict? I don't have experience with it, but it seems odd that a sex addict would have no interest in sex with his wife?

His actions speak loudly that he seems to think you should be over it already. Realistically, we are never *over* it. We get through it and accept and move based on how the relationship & trust has grown over time. It sounds like his growth has stagnated. As well, it seems that you are stuck in the life of fear.


Indian wisdom says our lives are rivers. We are born somewhere small and quiet and we move toward a place we cannot see, but only imagine. From Tending Roses

Posts: 5972 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
boontje
♀ Member
Member # 33247
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think you are being unreasonable. But more importantly, from what you say, it doesn't sound to me like your H is reacting to your feelings the way a truly remorseful person should. So what if he loses the money he already paid? So what that he doesn't get to go away overnight with his friends? He betrayed you. He had been with prostitutes and frequented massage parlors. He is SA. What makes him think you should be alright with him going to a stag party, where he just may be faced with temptation? Your feelings should matter more to him right now than what he wants. Is he in treatment for his SA? I can't imagine this would be encouraged there.

It frustrates me though because he expects me to treat him the same as any other husband. He said he would call me from the hotel and I could facetime him etc, but there have been a few times where he has promised me things like that before and then "forgot his phone" for three hours in his car so he was unreachable.

This concerns me as well. Sounds to me as if he just wants what he wants, and you just need to get over it. Is this what YOU want?

((srjb))


Me: BS
Dday: June 2011
Working on R, one day at a time

The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.”
― Ernest Hemingway



Posts: 934 | Registered: Aug 2011
Topic Posts: 9

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