Lola: I've said this on another thread at one time, but I'll repeat it because I think it has helped some people. For reasons that I'll explain in a min, one of the ICs I saw early on told me that sometimes people who have experienced a severe trauma in their lives, but don't know how to process it or express their pain over it, will (subconsciously?) recreate that situation to reexperience it. It seems counterintuitive, but in some ways I get it.
Here is why it makes sense to me: When my X left, he completely abandoned me, our friends, family. He had done this before-- he broke off an engagement before I met him and he never spoke to her again. The reason why this is interesting is that my X's father abandoned him and his family when he was about 10. Just walked out on them all one day, leaving them penniless and didn't try to talk to my X again until about 20 years later (shortly before he died). That abandonment truly scarred my X. He lived with it constantly in small and large ways. And, coincidentally, that's why I never thought he'd do what he did to me with the A-- I thought he valued my love and loyalty too much after what he had been through as a child.
His A happened while we were apart for several months because of work. OW worked in his office and, since he was new in the city, she started inviting him to her family's house for dinner, inviting him to come with her when she was running to the store for supplies and that sort of thing. With my X's co-dependent/orphan issues, it took a few months, but he eventually sort of traded me in for this new "mommy". One of the reasons I walked away and NCed him so quick when I found out about the A was because I knew he was disordered with all of his daddy issues, how he handled the breakup of that engagement, etc.
But I also look at his abandonment of me as a way for him to relive the trauma of his father leaving. When we were breaking up (it happened over about a 3 week period), I couldn't believe he was doing to me what his father had done to him and his family. For a variety of reasons, he was leaving me at my most vulnerable point in our life together, just as his dad had done to him and his mom.
Interestingly, his father died shortly after all of this happened. I mentioned in a previous post that he did actually reach out to me-- telling me about his pain, but instructing me not to speak to him.
I heard through the grapevine that he made the biggest deal possible of his father's death. Photos of his dad, public pronouncements, openly mourning. When mutual friends would tell me this, I would tell them that I didn't discount it was a painful experience for him but that "You know, he hadn't seen or spoke to his dad in 25 years. His father reached out to him every month for about a year 5 or 6 years ago, and X wouldn't respond." My friends would get the strangest look on their faces that just confirmed that the way X reacted to the death, you would have thought that he had lost his spouse or something...
... see where I'm going with this? Several friends told me they think he displaced losing me into losing his father. He can't mourn my loss because he's a disordered wing nut, but he can mourn his dad openly (as long as no one knows the true story) and no one questions it.
I guess my point is that when someone does something so grossly and uniquely fucked up as cheat on a spouse after they themselves were cheated on, there is something monumentally broken upstairs. All of these cheaters are messed up, but the ones who know the gravity of it and the pain and serve it back up to an innocent party? That's someone who is working out some major emotional shit... and it sounds to me like it's a good thing you're out of there. That's one thing that I hold on to. If he was capable of doing this to me when he knows what the pain of being abandoned by someone you trust is like? What else was he capable of?
Weeping: Just so you know, I might be closer to "meh", but I still have bad days. Yesterday the weather was lovely and I had some flashbacks to two summers ago when it was a similar kind of weather day and we had just moved into our new place, had taken the dog to the park and just generally had a great day together. I brought the dog in from a walk after dinner last night and actually had to hold on to a door frame for a sec because the pain of it just hit me so hard it was like a punch to the gut. I had to take a few deep breaths before the feeling passed and I went about my business again. So you still live with this for a long time. My goal is to just have more good moments, than bad.
((hugs))
[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 9:14 AM, April 14th (Monday)]