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I broke this post into two separate parts because it has been such a lovely (NOT) weekend.

Part I

Last night BH took me and the kids to a movie. I was tired and have a bad cold but went along because BH and kids really wanted to go.

During the movie something happened that triggered me into crazy land and I don't really understand or know how to handle.

BH is ultra, overboard, rule conscious. During the movie at a high suspense part I made some noise, not a lot, I was scared and anxious. I hate violence and have a hard time with movie violence. BH goes bezerk when any of us makes the least bit of noise during a movie. We don't chat or anything, I'm talking about a normal reaction to what we see on the screen sets him off.

He responded to my reaction by "correcting" me physically. He squeezed my leg hard and when I threw his hands off of me he fought with me to keep them there and did it again and again. I saw red. It was like I was triggered. I got sweaty all over, there was a roaring in my ears, my heart was pounding, I was nauseated. I had the urge to stand up and scream like an animal and destroy some random stranger or inanimate object. I was enraged. I scooted over as far away from him as I could in my seat and sat through the rest of the movie then while the credits were rolling sent him the following text (in all caps): "U WILL NOT PHYSICALLY CORRECT ME. I AM NOT YOUR CHILD OR YOUR PET. GET SOME MORE F'ING COUNSELING OR WE HAVE A SERIOUS AND PERMANENT PROBLEM. THIS IS A FREAKING NON NEGOTIABLE ISSUE."

Now that I read back over that text I'm embarrassed and appalled. It's not like he abused me. I can't make you guys understand how affected I was though. We drove the 40 minutes home without conversation. I grabbed the dog and took her for the fastest mile "walk" of her life to date, until I calmed down enough to remember about vampires and things and then I scooted back home. (I never walk in the dark by myself, even with a german shepherd, I'm scared of the dark.)

I still haven't been able to talk to him about this but it ties into other stuff that I think has been worrying me. I'm just feeling very and confused and yucky about it. I don't think he should have done what he did but I think my reaction was over the top. My reaction was very visceral and I know it goes back to childhood yuckiness for me. I don't know what to do with this….

[This message edited by knightsbff at 5:43 PM, April 12th (Saturday)]

((kbff)) So sorry you triggered! What an awful feeling! I'm not in the best place lately, so I don't have any advice for you, but I just wanted to chime in and let you know you're not alone. Wishing you strength and peace!

Listen, BH here, but you are absolutely correct here:

He responded to my reaction by "correcting" me physically. He squeezed my leg hard and when I threw his hands off of me he fought with me to keep them there and did it again and again. I saw red. It was like I was triggered. I got sweaty all over, there was a roaring in my ears, my heart was pounding, I was nauseated. I had the urge to stand up and scream like an animal and destroy some random stranger or inanimate object. I was enraged. I scooted over as far away from him as I could in my seat and sat through the rest of the movie then while the credits were rolling sent him the following text (in all caps): "U WILL NOT PHYSICALLY CORRECT ME. I AM NOT YOUR CHILD OR YOUR PET. GET SOME MORE F'ING COUNSELING OR WE HAVE A SERIOUS AND PERMANENT PROBLEM. THIS IS A FREAKING NON NEGOTIABLE ISSUE."

I think you drew a strong boundary here... Could the text have been more...diplomatic? Sure. But what he did was weird and controlling.

[This message edited by Ascendant at 6:22 PM, April 12th, 2014 (Saturday)]

It's not like he abused me.

It's not like he beat you, if that's what you mean by abuse, but he did assault you. That qualifies as abusive behavior in my book.

What Ascendant said.

You say you overreacted. I'm not accusing you of such, but could you be blowing the incident out of proportion? You say BH goes berserk when any of you make a noise. Is there any chance he intended to, IDK, comfort you with this gesture? And...as soon as you made the noise, you dreaded a negative reaction from Knight, therefore were already pre-judging his response?

Honestly if BH and I hadn't had three intense MC sessions in the past ten days (two regular weekly, one emergency in between) I might've responded differently. That said, if your interpretation of the squeeze was correct, it's troubling. I'd be worried that the kids will grow up with anxiety about expressing organic reactions to funny or dramatic scenes in films. Or develop an aversion to cinema.

I have a visceral reaction to suspenseful moments in movies, like when something happens in a slasher film. Which is why I don't watch ANY suspenseful movies at the theater, and seldom do so at home.

I have to get up and walk. I've been known to walk to the lobby and wait for the family to come out after it's over.

Some people don't "get" this. My X being one.

Add in the existing dynamic between WS and BS, and it can get rough.

From what you said, it doesn't sound like he handled it well, and you, also, were maybe a little over the top due to the emotions you were feeling.

I think you need to discuss this calmly, later, if you can.

I can't even put into words how much I understand what you just went through.

Crazz and I had a very similar encounter last weekend. I was distressed and he thought that hugging me would calm me down, and I freaked out at being touched and tried to lurch free and he pinned me in place. I literally had an instant panic attack and flailed until I got free and then unleashed a profanity laced tirade that ended in me telling him that he was never allowed to touch me again.

It's been a week, and although I have cooled off, the sentiment remains. I wish we were in MC right now but our schedules are not permitting it.

I have no answer for you because I have no answer for myself. I don't think it was abuse - I think that your BH was trying to be "helpful" in whatever way he thought would work - nevertheless, his response was absolutely inappropriate. There is ZERO room for physical correction in an adult relationship unless someone's catching someone else before falling off a cliff.

I still haven't been able to talk to him about this but it ties into other stuff that I think has been worrying me.

I think that this is really important to acknowledge and process. In my case, there are ways I don't like to be touched that Crazz can't seem to help but do, and when I insist he pouts and stops touching me altogether. He has agreed that his behavior last weekend was out of line, but somehow I know that he still puts the entire incident on me and my "crazy" response.

YOU are not crazy. Your feelings and your thresholds are your own, and he needs to respect that. I think/hope that if you can talk to him about this incident in a calm manner you will hopefully get an acknowledgement and apology from him and that will make you feel a bit better.

(((knightsbff)))

[This message edited by Jrazz at 10:46 PM, April 12th (Saturday)]

Thanks guys. He did apologize later that night. I was still too amped up to talk about it though.

At the time of the incident I did feel abused, but looking back at it calmly not so much. He didn't really hurt me. There are no bruises. I think he was trying to signal me to cool it without talking in the movie... I definitely feel it was inappropriate. I also feel I could have handled it much better.

Being squeezed like that and fighting with him to get his hands off me sent me strongly into the feeling of CSA. I felt like I could smell, taste, and feel the oppressive air of that time when I was little. I felt out of control. Now I'm embarrassed at how I acted.

ETA: Jrazz, I'm sorry you went through that too. I can tell you know exactly what I'm talking about. I do trust Knight to never hurt me but my thinking, rational brain wasn't in charge in that moment.

[This message edited by knightsbff at 11:52 PM, April 12th (Saturday)]

There is ZERO room for physical correction in an adult relationship unless someone's catching someone else before falling off a cliff

this!!

and WTH is more important in our lives, watching a moving or comforting our spouse? I bored my head into hubby's shoulder yesterday while we were watching some sort of violence in Noah. If I can't turn to him for comfort what is the point?

he should be there for you.

There is ZERO room for physical correction in an adult relationship unless someone's catching someone else before falling off a cliff

Definitely this!

Glad he apologised to you but I can completely understand your upset at the time. That behaviour really isn't on.

I asked him to hold off on reading my posts until I had some time to digest y'all's words and process it all a bit more. I told him to go ahead and read it this morning and we talked about it all after church.

Of course he's horrified to be considered an abuser. But he understands this was MY experience of what took place. He expressed understanding and compassion for my feelings of panic and anger.

This is what he thought was going on. I was agitated throughout the movie. He was over tired, I was over tired. I have a bad cold and was not aware how loud I was being. (I'm still not aware of being loud... ) he was sitting between me and ADHD DS10 who was being his own version of annoying.

BH squeezed my leg as if to say, "honey, shhhhhh!" (Since he knew I couldn't hear him if he whispered (very likely that I couldn't have). When I threw his hands off my leg he thought I was playing with him (I HATE having my leg squeezed as a "tickle", I hate "tickling" in any form as that's what my abuser told me he was doing to me when child me asked, "What are you doing?" ). When he thought I was teasing with him in throwing his hands off me he did it a few more times meaning to be playful. I can understand this when he tells me it. I really can. But I think we will have to talk about what happened some more to build trust for us both. And we are putting movies in the theater on hold until we both feel it will be an enjoyable experience for both of us.

Oh god. I mean, I almost had to go throw-up when I read this. And my FWH saw what I just typed and I had to take a bit of time out to let him know what I was typing about because he got concerned.

I am extremely claustrophobic. And when I trigger, you simply cannot, cannot grab me, hug me, or at times, touch me. It's like the panic/trigger starts feeding itself and goes into overload. I have been known to go through people when I feel cornered. I have, in the past, hurt people who have triggered my fight or flight response.

I am really glad that you were able to talk it out and hopefully hear what each of you were doing/saying/intending. Because I could so see my reactions with your descriptions. (((hugs)))

This post triggered me a bit also, and I had to wait a day or so to reply.

I have a couple of questions:

During the movie at a high suspense part I made some noise, not a lot, I was scared and anxious. I hate violence and have a hard time with movie violence.

Why do you go to see violent movies? I don't. I can't stand violence in movies, and when people get hurt, even though it is on a movie screen....I FEEL IT! I don't like being hurt or feeling unnecessary pain, so I won't go. If my guy wants to see a violent movie, I have told him to get a buddy to go with him.

Your reaction to the violence in the movie was perfectly normal given your situation. And since your adrenaline was already on high alert because you were being triggered by movie violence, anyone touching you at that point is going to throw you into a panic attack or some type of overload on your nervous system. Have you and your BS discussed your childhood background and how that might trigger you in the present, and what to do when you trigger?

My WS has PTSD (me too.) So since we both have it, we both understand that we have to be a bit careful around each other sometimes. I learned with him that I have to be very careful if I grab him from behind, and in the beginning, he couldn't stand for me to press close to his back. He has gotten better through constant exposure and a "desensitization" type process between us. But I never touched his back once I knew it was a trigger, unless he was okay with it.

I can't stand being held down or being trapped in any type of enclosed space (including someone's embrace if I don't want it at that time). Sometimes I have had to tell him that it is not personal, but I need space or I can't breathe.

It is what it is....we all have our quirks. You need to help him realize it isn't personal, and he needs to realize that violence (even on the movie screen) is going to affect you in a very negative way that might be uncomfortable for him.

Wow, I'm sorry to have triggered so many of you. It's really comforting to know I'm not alone though. It feels like y'all really understand and it makes me feel less crazy. Thank you!

The movie violence... It means a lot that so many of you chimed in saying that it bothers you too. We were watching Captain America. I really wanted to see it but the violent parts still REALLY bother me. It feels silly to me because it's a kids movie right? We don't even watch R rated movies so I never see "slasher" type movies. I couldn't sit through one, I think I'd accidentally hurt someone near me.

We are going to take our time talking through this stuff. I have talked to him about the CSA...some. I don't think I've provided him as much detail about the feelings I get now as I have posted here. He will read it and we will talk more. I'm getting the feeling that it's time for me to head back to IC to work on the CSA...I haven't addressed much in IC before. I told her I was fine with it now but that trigger was scary to me. I could stand to be a little more "fine with it" than I am at present.

My BW and I have a similar dynamic. She's the one who doesn't take a step out of line. In the past, we have many instances where I would do something little that she would react to, and "scold" me.

In the past, the confrontation-avoiding part of me would just swallow and resent it. Or if I had my fill, I'd withdraw -- pout, really.

Two weeks ago, we were out to dinner with friends. We were waiting at the bar. I couldn't see the beer selection, so I took three steps over to check. BW jumped on me right away -- "what are you doing, where are you going" sort of stuff. Instead of taking it inside, I quickly said "I'm checking the beers, if that is OK with you." She realized immediately what she was doing. I pointed it out right then and there. And any problems that little exchange would have caused were over instantly.

I think this was progress in our M. Part of MY problem is that I let people treat me like a screw up, so I think of myself as a screw up. Standing up and saying what I'm doing is valid and deserves consideration is a big part to being a better person, and a better partner.

((Knightsbff))

My BH and I also went to see Captain America this weekend. We typically hold hands during movies, and this one was no exception. I find that some violence I can stomach and some I cannot. But, I too found the movie to be a trigger - for entirely other issues.

I found the relationship between Captain and Black Widow forced some of the issues I'm working on into this imagined world that is meant to be an escape. She is all things to all people, and who does he want her to be? I promise, no spoilers, but the ending was oddly similar to everything as well.

I'm sorry you had such a strong visceral reaction the violence in the film. Usually I cannot bear anything violent related to animals. I just can't take it. You are not alone.

I'm really glad you are going to get more IC. I think it is really important, because I overlooked this, but.....

Being squeezed like that and fighting with him to get his hands off me sent me strongly into the feeling of CSA. I felt like I could smell, taste, and feel the oppressive air of that time when I was little

That is a full-fledged flashback. That isn't just a reaction to violent movies. That is a PTSD symptom. That probably won't be the only one you have.

His reaction wasn't abuse but it DID feel like it to you and that is normal, because you were in a moment of abuse...even though it happened years ago, it was happening to you again right at that moment.

Just remember there are very valid reasons for your reaction...don't minimize them. Make sure your counselor is familiar with CSA. EMDR is just one type of therapy that works for CSA, but there are others too that your provider may feel will be helpful.

((((knightsbff)))

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 6:09 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)]

Is it possible your H has a sensory processing disorder. A friend's kid got diagnosed with it recently and I had never heard of it before. But through that we discovered my mother may have it. When it was explained to her she was like "wow". The biggest Sense that bothers her is sound. She cannot handle noise of any type when she is trying to focus or she loses focus. And to her the noise sounds loud and annoying while to the "normal" brain we may not even hear the noise. It made a lot of sense because I always felt she over reacted at times to little noises but now it seems those little noises may not be little to her. I know this was about you and your trigger but when you described his not liking talking it took me to my mother and I thought I'd share.

I will freely admit I am not as self aware as many on here. That is my disclaimer, that and I don't know either of you IRL.

I am calling bull on he was just playing. I hope he was.

I react violently in films, have literally jumped out of my seat before. Friends and spouse know this, they choose which movies they will see with me. that said, if my spouse had grabbed and squeezed my leg to make me be quiet, I would have changed seats or left his ass sitting there. And I would have probably shouted, not texted, what you had to say as I was leaving my seat.

He was wrong. People make noise sometime in the movies. Physically (or verbally) correcting you, may not be abusive, but it reeks of controlling or just being an A-hole. IMHO you did not over react an iota.

Somethingremorse

we have many instances where I would do something little that she would react to, and "scold" me.

I think you have hit on something here I didn't consciously recognize. This is exactly a dynamic that we have going on. And since d-day I have been coming from a "one down" position so I had tended to react to his scolding like a child who wants to be good. I think I subconsciously saw this as unhealthy so thing have been different for a while now.

One thing is I think my impulsiveness and disregard for the "rules" in life were part of the unhealthy me that allowed me to cheat so I am working to always stop and think before I "go against the grain" I have had to teach myself that the rules are there for a reason and I'm not "entitled" to break them just because I can. You would not believe the money I have saved on speeding tickets.

On the other side of things Knight sometimes makes up rules to follow where none are written. He would have been very bothered if I stepped or even leaned into bar tender or server territory to look at drinks or to grab a menu. In those cases I have started to say something to him immediately too rather than stuff feelings of irritation.

We are starting to use these differences as strengths now too. He knows that if there is something that involves social risk taking or a little bit or daring he can count on me to accomplish it for us. I love how his tact and charm can get us out of sticky situations. We are still perfecting this dance and both of us need growth in our respective areas. We know it and we're working on it. Every once in a while we surprise each other. He will break a rule or I will obey one unexpectedly and it's kind of fun and exciting or at least amusing for us. ...yeah, we're geeks and we know it.

Wayflost,

I was so freaked out by what happened that I can't even remember what was going on between Black Widow and Capt A. We will buy it and watch it again at home. I do better watching them at home anyway. I can put my head under the pillow during the violent parts. I'm sorry you were triggered and unable to enjoy the movie.

NaiveAgain,

I haven't had this happen very much. Just when restrained. I had a horrible incident after d-day that scared me and Knight pretty badly. I had never talked about CSA with knight before and he was asking me a lot of questions about my past (I'm sure searching for answers as to how I could have possibly done the unthinkable). The questions led me back to that time and I FLIPPED OUT. That's when I decided I should probably do some work on processing that and I did but I admit I sort of tap danced around it. I thought I was finished....I guess not. I'm getting my nerve up to get back after it and this time with IC. *dread*

PainfulReminder,

Yes he does. Knight is severely dyslexic. And now that you mention it he has always been super sensitive to both sounds and smells. I have often attributed it to him being dramatic and controlling. But certain sounds IRL, on the radio, or on TV make him absolutely crazy. He will turn off something the whole family is listening to or watching due to sounds if he can't get away from it by leaving the room. I have seen him gag and vomit due to smells that every one else can tolerate and he has had plenty of experience to learn tolerance as an EMT-basic, Paramedic, RN, and now a doctor. His nurses tease him about it but they will actually clean up a patient for him now before getting him to go in the room. He's lucky they like him (he buys them food and lots of chocolate). I would love some more information about this if you have it!

Pentup,

Yes, he was definitely wrong. And he also can be controlling. We have had a bit of a power struggle throughout our M because we both can tend to be controlling. He is definitely NOT an A-hole. The furthest thing from it.

He admits he was wrong and he promised to work on it and to continue thinking about it as well. He really doesn't bully me on the daily. You would not believe how sweet, kind, and respectful he is; especially after what I've put him through. If things like that happened all the time it wouldn't have been significant enough for me to post about it.

[This message edited by knightsbff at 12:16 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)]