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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: bringing up the past
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I bring up the past to clarify what has been said and if he still feels a certain way about things.
What I bring up 90% of the time is my current reality. But of course, current reality is based on actions of the past. And he doens't want to talk about this anymore.

I asked for understanding today, Understanding that I was hurting and wanting to make this a safe place for myself. "go ahead, lets just get this over with," he said, "get a restraining order against you and have it be in the paper," referring this need of mine that just came up because I saw OW2 recently. I thought about employing some of the techniques he used to run OM out of town (calling employer, vandalizing car) and then he said I was using what he said against him and that he wouldn't tell me that stuff anymore... We clarified that as he said it in rage but....

I asked what I should do. I told him he has been there and he is my best friend. "No good answer," he replied. He said that he wants to tell me I should leave him.

He asked for trust last week and when he went to work today - 100 yards from OW1 -for the 2nd time this weeekend I said "you have everything you want. I haven't looked at your LinkedIn page, you go to work whenever you need to, etc." He said yes, but you're not happy.

Last week I saw OW2 and she smiled at me. It was ugh, to say the least. At hot yoga the next day I cried. He heard me and reached for my hand and tried to comfort me. While some would be all "we'll get through this together" I am not. I'm like, you effing douchbag that I'm in this situation.

I'm venting, as usual. Writing this out helps me. I know I have choices. But it's a big one. Thank you for listening.

[This message edited by rachelc at 3:50 PM, April 13th (Sunday)]


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5276 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
LivingLearning
♀ Member
Member # 42637
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, April 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((rachelc))

Keep writing, it is good to talk things out.

He needs to accept bringing up the past. He is being arrogant by not talking about it. He is only protecting himself, not you.

I am uncomfortable with his attitude and the way he phrases them. He is not doing it in an understanding manner. When he says:

"go ahead, lets just get this over with," he said, "get a restraining order against you and have it be in the paper,"

he is making you feel guilty for wanting to do it. He should be there to support you, not feel guilty about moving forward.

My Wbf also told me things like "I should leave him" at the beginning. This was very upsetting to me. I was like, I should be able to make that decision on my own accord not because you tell me. He is acting like a victim in this scenario. He needs to be there to support you, not turn it into him being a victim, and saying things similar to poor me.

Are you checking on the trust to make sure he is being trustworthy?


Living and learning how to move forward
Me: BGf
Him: WBf
Dday: 02/2013

Posts: 116 | Registered: Mar 2014
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you checking on the trust to make sure he is being trustworthy?

I've checked 100's of times as he has been for a year.

My Wbf also told me things like "I should leave him" at the beginning. This was very upsetting to me. I was like, I should be able to make that decision on my own accord not because you tell me.

yeah, I didn't get this either. MC in 3 hours, it will all be discussed, along with our homework of discussing each other's childhoods and our feelings surrounding what happened. Turns out, we were parented by people who put their own needs in front of their child's. Mostly because of mental illness.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5276 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
redrock
♀ Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((rachelc))

Sounds like you have had a rough week. Some weeks are like that.

While some would be all "we'll get through this together" I am not. I'm like, you effing douchbag that I'm in this situation.

Why aren't you? If you want empathy, then you have to be prepared to offer it. And in this case- accept it when it is offered to you.

Be honest. Does he have everything he wants?

Sometimes the hardest thing in the world to do is to turn toward the person who hurt you. To show vulnerability and allow each other in. It is so much easier to hit the old comfy pattern and swat his hand away. It is hard to reach out and be rejected.

I think he still has a learning curve here. But so do you. It is time you guys start employing some better techniques to communicate. The push/pull thing is exhausting. BTDT.

Change isn't easy. You fall off the wagon, you get in the old groove and it feels safer. But if you keep dusting yourself off and trying it will become your new pattern. It IS possible.


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3157 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And in this case- accept it when it is offered to you

I did accept it - I held his hand and cried. But I wasn't thinking how great it was...

Sometimes the hardest thing in the world to do is to turn toward the person who hurt you.

so true and yet I'm trying to do this by telling him I'm hurting instead of going or doing anything else... but I feel he doesn't want to hear it.

Be honest. Does he have everything he wants?

no, he wants this to be over and done with and for us to go on with our merry little lives like nothing bad happened. But he asked for trust and I gave it to him.

It is time you guys start employing some better techniques to communicate. The push/pull thing is exhausting

I don't have much clue how to fix this. I can only control my end. And I've fallen off this wagon many times and have good days. But yes, seeing the OW last week threw me off my horse hard.

[This message edited by rachelc at 2:33 PM, April 14th (Monday)]


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5276 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but I feel he doesn't want to hear it.
I understand. That said, you're "pre qualifying" his response and trying to control the outcome. Maybe he doesn't want to hear it, which is another issue, but he has to be the one to speak those words, not you. I'm sorry you saw the OW the other day. I know that turned your world upside down. (((rachel)))


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5977 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he has to be the one to speak those words, not you

he said it paralyzes him... drains him. Maybe that's not the same as he doens't want to hear it though..

MC, last night, told us that hubby internalizes my hurt and can't deal. It was harder for him to hear my childhood story than me his. But those are his issues. And MC said I have to limit my talking about it because hubby would rather close a business deal for me, or take care of me in some way.

Well ok, what is the point then, if our ways towards intimacy are so very different?

I grabbed his hand (MC said to do this when I'm angry) and I said "I'm angry. Angry i'm in a marriage where I can't talk." And hubby, to his credit, said he didn't agree with MC, that that's what led to my affair in the first place - someone to talk to. I said yeah, and I don't go there anymore. That person should be you.

Although MC said it will get better when I see OW and that hubby holding my hand in yoga while I cried was the right thing to do. We've made a lot of progress on trust - this isn't really a big issue for either of us anymore.

Hubby said his problem is happiness - and this is very much entrenched with my happiness (I've read that some spouses are like this but is it co-dependency?) Mine is not feeling like a doormat for staying. As I've written and written in my morning papers I've come up with this, because I can forgive his affairs. I really think I can. But I'm not sure I can forgive his unwillingness to happily and without question do anything I need to feel safe. And THAT'S what makes me feel unworthy.

[This message edited by rachelc at 7:50 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)]


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5276 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
redrock
♀ Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But I'm not sure I can forgive his unwillingness to happily and without question do anything I need to feel safe. And THAT'S what makes me feel unworthy.

What you are failing to see is that the things that you want and need may not be in his wheelhouse. You assume that he can do the things you need to feel safe and chooses not to. If it came easy to him then you may not be where you are now. He may not have the tool box yet to meet your needs and expectations.

The fact that it is hard for him doesn't relieve him of the responsibility to meet your needs. But at the same time, if you know that emotional availability is not a strong suit or not a suit at all, you have to allow for time for him to crawl and then walk in that area.

Willful ignorance is different than emotional and confrontational paralysis. I don't know how hard he is working in this area. You are clearly frustrated, I'm not saying you shouldn't be. Just asking the pain in the butt questions...


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3157 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
redrock
♀ Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Re-read your post and had one more thought..
And MC said I have to limit my talking about it because hubby would rather close a business deal for me, or take care of me in some way.

Ok. He is more comfortable with a business deal. Most guys are. It's not hey, I know she needs emotional connection.... I'd rather not do that... so let me clarify a contract for her instead.

It is important for him as a human being and a partner in the marriage to work on developing the ability to emotionally relate to you.

I guess I want to know, what is the MC recommending to him in order to develop and strengthen his skills in this area?

[This message edited by redrock at 9:44 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)]


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3157 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What you are failing to see is that the things that you want and need may not be in his wheelhouse. You assume that he can do the things you need to feel safe and chooses not to

I have told him exactly this: that he will take me in his arms and say, "rachelc, let's get you away from all this." I have said that to him. But he doesn't want to move, for many reasons. I would have to make him. And I'm not going to do that. It's too late. Just like when it took 5 months for him to sell the car he made out with OW2 in - it was too late. I had to make him do it and give ultimatums. ok message received loud and clear - what I say I need is not important to you.

what is the MC recommending to him in order to develop and strengthen his skills in this area

not much mentioned... to touch me when I'm intense or angry and talking about it.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5276 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
IWantDoOver
Member
Member # 39440
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rachel, Other than talking about the 3 Affairs and 1 rape (all traumatic events!) how do you and your H experience intimacy?

On April 9 you wrote:

I don't want to move either. I want him to be successful in his job and not suffer as he is living his dream job the last few years. I would just want to move so we would have more good days because when I see OW, it's a bad day. And this last time when OW2 smiled at me - well it's been a bad week.

A move will definitely draw you and H toward one another, initially, if you relocate to new city. As you grow into your new lives, and develop new friendships and interests, you will naturally become, by comparison, further apart. Then will you have the skills to grow intimacy? Or will you be in a new house, in a new city, with the same old problems and the same M?


Peace

Posts: 212 | Registered: Jun 2013
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iwant- I don't know.
I guess we should see if we can have this intimacy. He can't be happy because I get intense- he says angry. I can't get peace because he's so far from whAt I think and see here how other waywards are... They'd happily do anything to stay together. Even if he said, hey whenever you want to go let's go. Knowing I could, without making him if it got too bad Would make a world of difference....
and just to add - if he wanted me to quit my job because of the triggers of my affair - done. no questions asked.

how do you and your H experience intimacy?

we can speak of any other subject fairly deeply - our kids, financial situation, other people, our parents and childhood. But any talk of any of those other 4 things brings him back squarely to what I did, and that is in the past and he doesn't want to go there. I get it. He's tired of it. I would be/am? too.

[This message edited by rachelc at 4:17 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)]


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5276 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
IWantDoOver
Member
Member # 39440
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess we should see if we can have this intimacy.

Maybe go back to basics?

Revisit the 5 Love Languages:
Physical Touch
Quality Time
Acts of Service
Words of Affirmation
Receiving Gifts
I'm suggesting a fresh look at the concept that you may each have differing needs, with emphasis on GIVING what the other wants to receive.

Well ok, what is the point then, if our ways towards intimacy are so very different?
Maybe a little sigh of relief that this isn’t an infidelity issue, but rather a Mars vs. Venus issue.

'Not Just Friends' also has a full chapter titled "Repairing the Couple and Building Goodwill" and more on Shared Intimacy, p.337.


Peace

Posts: 212 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 13

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