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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: The shit is going to hit
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the fan.

My H is here enjoying Masters Sunday. So is his buddy who enjoys pot. This buddy cannot get through one day w/o pot.

My condition which I have repeated time and again. DO NOT. DO NOT smoke pot in or around our house. I don't care if its a puff, or the equivalent of a beer (his favourite line) or not. DON'T.

He came upstairs and I caught a whiff. It was actually gross and not sweet like reg pot. I am a blood-hound. You cannot have a beer at 2pm and not think I won't smell it at 6pm. Child of an alcoholic. I am conditioned to find it.

But what really bugs the shit out of me is that when I said, "oh. What's that smell?" He goes,
"Is it smoke? It must be smoke bc I am bbq'ing". And he offers me his shirt.

THAT is what pisses me off. He tried to dupe me. DON'T F'ing DUPE me. Haven't you been down that road before? How did that work out?

So, he comes upstairs just now and says, "Hey, you know I meant it when I said that you have high standards as a hostess".

I said, "I have high standards as a person." He says, "Yeah. I know."

I said, "I don't like being lied too."

He looks uncomfortable. He walks away. He comes back. What do you mean?

I said, "I don't like being lied too and I think you know exactly what I am talking about." I gave him my best, DiNiro (don't look away and be calm).

He walked away. His friend is still here. I am no longer hungry and I am fed up with having this conversation.

Do I leave my H for being an occasional pot-smoker? Do I leave him for doing it in/around our home? I have drawn the line and I believe he has crossed it. The fact that he walked away and didn't press me tells me I am right.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2219 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't leave my h for some pot...

Lying? Crossing my line in the sand? Smoking an illegal substance in my home when I have kids ?

You have to decide. ...


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3792 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
momentintime
♀ Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's the lying and not respecting your boundaries of no pot in or around your home. That he would let his friend do it and possibly join him when you have repeated request he not do this, is the insult.

Yes this would be serious to me. I would question if he gets it, and can respect you going forward. Seems at the moment he doesn't think your feelings are a priority. Bad is on him.


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2924 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't be playing the happy hostess.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3792 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh believe me karma, since I smelled it I have been upstairs working on something for the school and now my kids need to get ready for bed.

I feel sick. I really do. My hands are shaking writing this. He does so much soooo well. He even rec'd a trip for us in Europe end of May for his hard work. But then this happens and I am at a loss.

Momentintime...sadly we had this convo many x prior to D-day. Then we had it in his IC's office after D-day. Her statement: if it affects me/family then you had better be prepared to face the consequences. Overall, she doesn't see it as a big deal as its a one-off. BUT...it used to be way worse before D-day. My concern is that as time goes by, he boundaries get more lax. I truly don't think he makes the connection between this and A behavior.

If anyone else has to deal w this, I would love to hear from you. But all replies are appreciated.

[This message edited by LA44 at 5:15 PM, April 13th (Sunday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2219 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
strengthandhope
♀ Member
Member # 37907
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tell his friend not to bring that stuff around. Tell him you know he does it and that's his choice, but it is not welcome in or around your home. My H's father likes to drink beer. He was going to take my kids on a trip. I told him straight up he cannot drink beer, even one sip if he is going to be driving my kids. What did he do? Pick up his beer can and says "this is my I first beer I had after work and my last" and continued to take another sip. I lost my shit. I yelled at him as if he were a disobeying child! "WHAT DID I JUST SAY?!?!" He looked at me and dumped the rest out with an apology. Ya gotta set the rules.


Me: BS 30s
Him: SAWH, 30s sexting, pic sharing & phone sex with men & women
2 kids, M 8 yrs
DD#1 3/08, DD#2 7/11, DD#3 10/12 DD#4 2/14
OW #1 PA from 6/13-8/13 CL Troll
OW #2 EA from 11/13-2/14 online/phone sex A
Taking R 90 days at a time.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Mid west
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really think HE needs to be the one to tell his friend not to bring it around. It's an agreement between us. Period. Is it so hard for him to make this request? Or to say, "No buddy. This is off limits at our house."

I remember a few weeks ago we were talking about how in 2012 he didn't want to go to another friend's house for dinner bc he knew all 3 guys would be smoking and he didn't want to say "No". To basically stay indoors with the women.

I just looked at him blankly. You can't say No to your friends? But you can essentially say No to me?

This is going to be really embarrassing if I am wrong. At least it is making me think about the next time. Because there will be a next time. When is this tournament over?!


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2219 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you cannot be the one to tell the friend the rules. It's your husband's friend he Needs to step up and explain the boundaries. You can't be everyone's mom.

He knows how you feel. .. but did it anyway, in your home, and lied about it.

It is a big deal because he continues to essentially say "I know how you feel, but screw you" with these actions. This is at least the third time it has come up that you have posted about it.

When we had an issue that came up. . Long story, won't bore you. I told my husband how I felt. He pretty much ignored me and would do it again. Until I said you are ignoring my feelings. .. if this happens one more time I am gone. I wasn't mad or bitchy I was matter of fact.

He has never done it again.... but if he did, I would go. He is responsible for his actions and I decide what I will and won't accept. (((Hugs)))

[This message edited by karmahappens at 5:46 PM, April 13th (Sunday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3792 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is a big deal because he continues to essentially say "I know how you feel, but screw you" with these actions.

You're right. And I think it is the third time I have mentioned it on SI in the last 14 months that I have been on SI. That to me is A LOT and hard on the head when you factor in dealing with the A shit.

Right now, I am angry but I also feel calm. I delivered the message calmly. I haven't been banging around the kitchen, or storming about. I was just laughing with the kids....

Maybe I am at where you were that night with your H, karma.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2219 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Think on it LA, we cannot throw around consequences we won't back up.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3792 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
strengthandhope
♀ Member
Member # 37907
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe he did tell him but more in a "the wife don't like it so keep it on the downlow". Instead of "don't do it here".


Me: BS 30s
Him: SAWH, 30s sexting, pic sharing & phone sex with men & women
2 kids, M 8 yrs
DD#1 3/08, DD#2 7/11, DD#3 10/12 DD#4 2/14
OW #1 PA from 6/13-8/13 CL Troll
OW #2 EA from 11/13-2/14 online/phone sex A
Taking R 90 days at a time.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Mid west
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I "threw" things around prior to D-Day.

But today I am that much stronger and will get moreso as we go along. I have imagined my life w/o him - being a single Mom - what does that look like? What does that feel like? I have closed my eyes and done that. I know its so different to live it. And what choice do I have, really? Draw yet another line and go, "Look! Here's a line. Now if you cross this one..."

Sorry. I've done that.

I am not acting like a maniac right now either. That is different from the last time too. I am sad but I feel strong. And calm.

[This message edited by LA44 at 6:30 PM, April 13th (Sunday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2219 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had to decide if it was a deal breaker for me. The actions weren't, but the disrespect was.
That is how I got to my decision and how I told my husband. His discounting me was the bigger hurt. I needed to put my needs on the table and clearly label them. I actually think he got it and it's been a non issue ever since.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3792 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, LA - it makes my stomach hurt for you.

Our MC said that if one of us loses b/c of something the other one does, we both lose. If this bugs you (and it is reasonable - I mean, c'mon. .. it is illegal after all. . .right? Even in Canada?) then it needs to be worked out like a married couple, and not an errant teenager and his mom. He needs to man up on this one, I think. You shouldn't need to draw a line in the sand.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1858 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

See that's it right there karma. It's the disrespect.

Thx bionic. My stomach hurts too. Heck! He could have had 10 beers and that IS legal and it would still be wrong but what is really wrong here is crossing the line and then trying to blame it on the BBQ! Really?

Also, I posted earlier today about the "sorta truth" that his mom runs with and lo and behold...this happens. Well...saying he got smokey from the BBQ is "sorta truth". Isn't it? Honestly...this behavior has roots.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2219 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
sunnyrain
♀ Member
Member # 30164
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why didn't you tell him you thought he smelled like pot, and then ask if he was smoking it earlier?

It's kind of like you were only sorta telling the truth yourself by hinting at what you thought was the truth.

Why play games? Why not just ask outright?


Posts: 333 | Registered: Nov 2010
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you leave your husband for:
Pot smoking-no
Not respecting your wishes- possibly
Lying- after all you've been through LA?


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4693 | Registered: Dec 2010
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi LA44.

Sorry you are having to deal with this. You are completely justified in your request. I do agree that you should just be upfront with him, however.

I personally have an issue with my H minimizing or justifying. That was his MO forever and now I won't let anything go. For example, he has been promising to take care of a home issue for weeks. I nag as little as possible, but he has also promised to honor his commitments. Recently I asked him about it and he said he had been too busy at work. However, 30 minutes before he had complained about it being slow at work.

So I called him on it. And kept calling him on it. I didn't raise my voice. Finally he admitted that he thought it would be a big pain and he had no excuse.

To me it's very important that he change this behavior--it's basically dishonest and it's easy to see how it contributes to wayward behavior.

Good luck!



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1723 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sunnyrain, our agreement was: YOU tell me when you smoke.I need to know what I am dealing with. Is it every week? Every other week? Every month? Every 3? YOU tell me.

That was the deal.

I am not the mom. I am not going to quiz him. When I said to him, "I don't like being lied to" I wasn't "kinda lying". That is a straight up statement. If you have read any of the last, what? 500 posts I have made you know I don't play games.

He came downstairs an hour ago and said: So tell me. What is it? And I said: No. You tell me. You tell me.

And he admitted he did.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2219 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yikes, LA. And then what?



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1723 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Topic Posts: 57
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