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Newest Member: ThomasD (45459)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: deciding what's best for my daughter
ProbableIceCream
♂ Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I'm in a bit of a quandry. Fortunately it's one I don't have to resolve immediately. But here are the facts --

* Both me and my daughter's mom (XWW) don't want to live here too much longer. The place I live is kind of miserable and the culture sucks and there's a decent economy but tech jobs are better other places.

* XWW says her husband is finishing a master's degree middle of next year and presumably this qualifies him for better jobs in more locations.

* XWW does not have a place that is strongly preferred, but she does have a vaguely preferred location that's different from the one I want to go to. However, she says she's open to going to other places, including the one I want to go to.

* I am concerned about unilaterally moving my daughter more than 1000 miles away from her mom without thinking it through carefully.

* I will be changing jobs no matter what at the end of the year or sooner.

* I am looking at jobs both in my current location and my preferred location, both internal to my company and external.

* It is not ALL bad here, at least not temporarily; my sister lives here, I have an IC here who has been helpful, I have a doctor here I like, I have a few friends. It's tolerable. The weather sucks to the point where you can't really go outside half the year, but it wouldn't kill me to be here a couple more years.

So...

I'm wondering about pros and cons to unilaterally moving to a new place by myself. I mostly wonder how it will affect my daughter. I wonder what's best for her. (I know what's best for me has an impact on that, but I want to consider her first.)

I don't know if anyone has any thoughts.. I thought I'd make a new thread for it because it's been bothering me a lot.


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 845 | Registered: Nov 2012
Bluebird26
♀ Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A lot to think about!


Do you have legal custody? Is the exww open to daughter moving with you? Is there good schools in the new location? Would new job be family friendly enough if you do end up with your daughter full time and with only going to visit her mother during school vacation time? Is exww open to this option for custody? Who would pay the costs for this visitation? Would your ex fight you on taking her with you? Would you cope with only seeing your daughter in vacation time?

I would be concerned that you may move and the ex maybe agreeable but then when her husband is finished degree and then has no intention of moving or even moving closer to your location. I mean if the situation was reversed I would be hearing alarm bells when the ex's want to live near each other even if under the pretence of what's best for their daughter.

Good luck in your decision.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1363 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
ProbableIceCream
♂ Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you have legal custody?

Joint legal, although I make final decisions on almost everything. Joint physical, but I have her about 80% of the time (all but 24 hours in the weekend and 12 hours during the week). Current agreement would have to be modified to allow for any movement out of state.

Is the exww open to daughter moving with you?

I don't know yet. I've started a discussion with her. Maybe. I believe since I've been the primary caretaker for at least 2 years that I could force it if I had to, but I'd prefer not to have to.

Is there good schools in the new location?

Something I'm looking into, but I believe so. Part of what I love about the new location is the culture and the people (I have a friend who used to live there and a friend who lives there now). I think at least as good as the current location. But I need to research it!

Would new job be family friendly enough if you do end up with your daughter full time and with only going to visit her mother during school vacation time?

I would only accept a job like this.

Is exww open to this option for custody?

Maybe. See above.

Who would pay the costs for this visitation?

I assume it would be split based on income since that's in our current agreement, but obviously that could change. (e.g. if i made 80% of the total money i'd pay 80% of travel costs)

Would your ex fight you on taking her with you?

Maybe. See above.

Would you cope with only seeing your daughter in vacation time?

I could probably cope with it if it was best for her, but I know it's not based on what I know about XWW, and I would not accept it.

I would be concerned that you may move and the ex maybe agreeable but then when her husband is finished degree and then has no intention of moving or even moving closer to your location.

Me too! I'm also concerned that they may move away even if I stay. :)

I mean if the situation was reversed I would be hearing alarm bells when the ex's want to live near each other even if under the pretence of what's best for their daughter.

Fortunately I have no desire to live near her other than to make it easier to allow my daughter to see her. I am currently NC with my XWW except for essential discussions about my daughter. Part of what appeals to me in moving is to move on even more and move away from old memories. Although if you're talking about XWW wanting to live near me for this reason.. yeah, I'd suspect her motives!

Also, I am not going to get into the position of following her around. At most I would keep a dialogue open about moves and what's best for my daughter.

Good luck in your decision.

Thank you. :)


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 845 | Registered: Nov 2012
ProbableIceCream
♂ Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, April 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just asked her if she'd be open to me having my daughter more of the time (specifically, during the school year) assuming we somehow got into a situation where we're in different areas.

She said that initially her reaction was wanting DD to stay with her (XWW) but after thinking about it she (XWW) feels that DD would emotionally deal with being with me better.

She went on to say that she would like to avoid that situation in the first place if possible.

[This message edited by ProbableIceCream at 7:24 PM, April 13th (Sunday)]


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 845 | Registered: Nov 2012
Topic Posts: 4

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