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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 14 years
exodus
♂ New Member
Member # 42984
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Merlin:

I've been reading over that during the past hour. It has brought me to tears more than once. As she is sitting next to me, well more like across the room she asked why I was crying. I stated that I didn't want to talk about it, it's not important.
She rolled her eyes and went back to talking to her friends. Ah now she just asked me if I'm talking to my girlfriend because I'm doing an awful lot of typing.

I have no girlfriend. I have no friends.

[This message edited by exodus at 10:50 PM, April 14th (Monday)]


Me: 32
Her: 30
Daughter: 12
D-day: Sept. 2013
Previous D-day: My B-day- May 18 2008

Posts: 20 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Maryland
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just so you know: We all got here the same way and we really care about what you're going through.

Posts: 11403 | Registered: Mar 2008
exodus
♂ New Member
Member # 42984
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ThoughtIKnewYa:

Thank you for your knowledge and support. It's all so overwhelming. I've spent these months solo. It's good to hear your point of view and suggestions.

She fits a lot of those categories. I just wish there was something I could do to help her.


Me: 32
Her: 30
Daughter: 12
D-day: Sept. 2013
Previous D-day: My B-day- May 18 2008

Posts: 20 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Maryland
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ex,

For now, you have SI.

Please find that counselor immediately.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Mhiimg65
♀ Member
Member # 41951
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exodus

hugs to you

Please dissect from all of the replies to your post, what you can do to help yourself. Sometimes its overwhelming.

There are many people in a different place than where you are.
They mean well, and they speak the truth. They have wisdom, of which I don't yet, either.
Where you are, is a horrible place to be. We all get that. You will at some point figure out where you need to go with this. And where WW will go to. This is the roller coaster from hell, but we all ride it together. Some are at the top, some in the middle, and some have fallen off the roller coaster. You get to choose where to go. That's your empowerment, but you can take as long as you need to to get where it is you need to be.
I remember my first post. The responses were like getting hit by a 2X4. I re read them now and realize how wise these people were. I wasn't at all ready for the ride. I hate roller coasters... always have. Don't get sick in the process of this ride. I think you may be stronger than you think. I'm thinking of you ....


" He paved paradise and put up a parking lot"
BS - me
WS- him
married 26 years, together since kids
D- Day Jan 4 2014
PMA- starting this moment
R - in MC. WH is in IC

Posts: 137 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
exodus
♂ New Member
Member # 42984
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mhiimg65:

Thank you for the kind words. A hug would really do right now too.

I found a counselor that is fairly close by, seems reputable. I will schedule an appointment tomorrow morning.


Me: 32
Her: 30
Daughter: 12
D-day: Sept. 2013
Previous D-day: My B-day- May 18 2008

Posts: 20 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Maryland
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do to help her. And I KNOW it's so hard to understand that none of this is your fault. It took forever for that to sink in for me!

Since there's no longer anything in my profile, I'll tell you a little about myself: I am a FBS, in reconciliation, and my d-day was June 26th, 2007. I was absolutely SHATTERED. I had NO IDEA my H was capable of an A. Shocked doesn't even begin to describe it. Over time, I learned that my H was a sex addict with narcissistic tendencies (like the list I gave you). I had to accept that I couldn't change him and he had to want that for himself. Eventually, when his behavior put his life in danger, he began working on himself. That's why we're still together. It took a lot of work, though.

Your W accusing you of talking to your girlfriend is what we call projection- she's projecting her behavior onto you. It's probably pretty convenient for her to think that you do the same things she does, too. That makes it 'not so bad', in her mind. Just remember that you know who you are. You know the truth.


Posts: 11403 | Registered: Mar 2008
exodus
♂ New Member
Member # 42984
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your tale. I'm glad and refreshed to see that you made it work. I assume FBS is free bodied soul? You guys use a lot of acronyms that I am unfamiliar with! That actually put a smile on my face, so thank you for that too.

I'm going to head to bed, toss and turn for a while and hopefully get some sleep..

Thank you all again, I'm glad to have met you.

Tom


Me: 32
Her: 30
Daughter: 12
D-day: Sept. 2013
Previous D-day: My B-day- May 18 2008

Posts: 20 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Maryland
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I assume FBS is free bodied soul?
Not exactly. It means Former Betrayed Spouse, but I like your interpretation better!

It's nice to meet you, too, Tom.


Posts: 11403 | Registered: Mar 2008
Dyokemm
♂ New Member
Member # 40254
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OP,

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this in your life.

But that said, I have to ask what you are doing here?

Are you really going to destroy yourself and deprive your daughter of a stable father over the betrayals of a serial cheater who has no remorse for what she has done?

That is the path you are on.

Do not let this happen to you.

She is a worthless, serial cheating woman.

Get away from her ASAP and save yourself so you can be there for your daughter.

There is no fixing your WW or your M.


Posts: 43 | Registered: Aug 2013
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ex,

Please tell the counselor's office that you and your family are in crisis so that you can do your initial visit immediately.

We're here for you.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
damaged71
♂ Member
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exodus... This might sound harsh but it comes from a good place.

I know that you think being away from her will be the worst thing that can happen. I think you would quickly find out you are not quite accurate.

I tried thinking about your situation in different terms and this is what I came up with. Your wife is radioactive. Every time you get near her you get damaged and sick. She has you convinced that you have to be around her. Once you get away from her for a while everything about you will change. You will start to feel better pretty quickly.

Get your daughter and get out of there. She is going to cry foul and play the victim. They always do.

This sounds like a lifestyle for her and not a one -time thing. This isn't going away for her or for you as long as you are there. It's hard enough to go through reconciliation with a spouse that has done this one single time. 40 different people? It's time take stock in the whole situation and make some hard decisions.

Good luck with whatever you decide and we are here for you.


I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 341 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You've gotten great advice. I just wanted to ask...who is paying her phone bill? Who pays for the internet at home? If it's you....STOP. Shut that shit down..yesterday.

She shouldn't even be online...much less still have online "friends."

You need to 180 her ass...and file for a divorce. If that doesn't wake her up that this is a serious issue, then you're better off knowing now, not live in misery for another 10 years.

And go for custody of your DD...considering her online activities..and that she brought strangers into your house for what sounds like violent sex..she has put you and your child in danger.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7144 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
evephoebe1
♀ Member
Member # 36923
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exodus, please take care of yourself. Your daughter needs you, especially at this impressionable age, being a pre - teen.

If something happens to you (accidental overdose), she will be stuck with your narcissistic wife as her sole role model and support. That would be tragic.

I tried to commit suicide almost 2 years ago, shortly after D-Day when I could no longer cope with the pain. I am so grateful that my wandering husband saved my life.

Although, he will never change (a leopard doesn't change its' spots), I have learned to love myself again and realize that I am a loyal, loving person whose kids truly need her. Your daughter needs you.

Believe what you see. Your wife is, as she appears to be. Most likely worse. We cannot change them.

Over time I have learned to accept this: The husband who I thought I had married is a far cry from the reality of who he really is.

It is not my fault, nor is it yours, when a spouse completely misrepresents themselves to fulfill their selfish desires and keep "eating their cake". Take care.


Me: Survivor! BS (47)
Him: WH (45)
2 awesome kids, 13 & 16

Posts: 92 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: evephoebe1
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yak, you may end up seeing a double post from me, I apologize..

The aftermath of infidelity gives us an untethered feeling of having the rug ripped out from under our feet in the extreme..

Suddenly you don't know who or what to believe in your life..

I know the feeling of wanting to numb myself for a few hours out of the day if not for the entire day...

I find alcohol to be extremely cunning..One minute I am okay, 30 minutes later I don't remember what I had for dinner..

With that said, don't be surprised if you AREN'T PHYSICALLY addicted to alcohol and oxy yet..I have been doing alcohol on and off for years..But I can take it or leave it..

When I am busy doing stuff I like to do with people I like to be around, I completely lose the urge to drink..And I have been on trips away from home where weeks and weeks go by... Didn't do any drinking, didn't miss the alcohol physically or mentally..

I guess what I am saying is whether or not you can leave your WW right away, focus on yourself.. Shut your wife out mentally unless or until she can tear herself away from the computer / internet and focus on you more..She needs to be accountable for what she did and help you heal....

Shut WW out immediately..Make yourself do something fun daily in a venue where there are people around..Tennis, fishing, art festival, etc whatever your preference is...

Figure out a way to fill your life with people whom you truly enjoy being with who get together/ask about you on a routine basis..Maybe you can find potential friends from work? Sports or volunteering?

Having good people in your daily life (whether or not you feel close to them ) increases the likelihood that you will take good care of yourself, coz you will have something to look forward to every day...

Fill your days with healthy activities that are distracting, some productive..Find something to watch listen to or do that makes you smile or laugh each day.

You owe this to yourself whether or not a potential addiction problem looms large in your life..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 8:54 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1136 | Registered: Nov 2011
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exodus,

You have already gotten some good advice so i will not pile it on. You have got to get away from this woman. She does not respect you and it should be obvious to you that this is going to continue until you stop it.
Your daughter is watching all of this and it is going to impact her relationships as she gets older if you do not get her into a healthier environment.
This is not your fault but it is you that has to do something about it. I would skip the 180 completely and go right to an attorney. Get counseling for yourself but she is beyond hope at this point and your resources need to go towards yourself and your daughter.


Posts: 767 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My heart breaks for you and your daughter. You are not alone. Great people here who have been through the hell you are experiencing.

Please see if you have an EAP (employee assistance program) at your work. It is free, confidential counseling. You need help navigating these waters. You can not "get over" this. It is too big. It is too hurtful. You can get through it but you will always be a different person and that is a good thing. You can be braver, stronger, healthier.

You are living in insanity. It will not change until you say it changes.

Your WW is a narcissist. You are trying to negotiate with a terrorist at this point. Stop.
She is not remorseful in the least and she will not change until she has to.

Change the things you can. Create a stable environment for you and your daughter. See a lawyer, knowledge is power. Know your rights and see how you can put things in motion to gain custody of your daughter.

Keep us posted and know that we are all rooting for you.

Keep moving. God bless.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1099 | Registered: Apr 2013
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Who pays for the internet at home? If it's you....STOP. Shut that shit down..yesterday.
I agree. You need to stop enabling her to be able to talk to these other people.

Get to the counselor as soon as possible so you can get back on your feet and fix this situation. It does appear you are the only one who can fix this situation since your WW does not seem to even realize there is a problem.

When she asks you why you were crying, just tell her the truthful answer...because she is sitting there typing to other guys.


Posts: 3545 | Registered: Jun 2002
exodus
♂ New Member
Member # 42984
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your kind words and advice, I'll address each post individually as time permits.

I agree she is radioactive. When I'm not around her I feel better, the second we are in the same room I no longer see my wife, I just see this animal who has eviscerated my life and soul.

I pay for her phone and the internet and I purchased the computer and the camera she uses.

As of today I have disabled access on her computer and I have turned her phone off. This started a huge argument that ended in her throwing stuff at me and saying that she's worthless and a stupid slut. Amongst other things, she always says stuff like that but they are hollow empty words.


Me: 32
Her: 30
Daughter: 12
D-day: Sept. 2013
Previous D-day: My B-day- May 18 2008

Posts: 20 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Maryland
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ex,

It's a great gesture to try and answer each of us. But it may drive you nuts.

Speaking for me, just let us know what's going on, ask questions and see how that goes for you.

You're making some moves. That's great! Keep up the good work.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Topic Posts: 80
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