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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Foo issues (long)
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 4:16 AM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a betrayed child as well as a WS.

My mum had an exit A. I don't know how long it went on for but I remember every single argument my parents ever had. I used to sit at the top of the stairs at night listening. We left when I was eight, my siblings five and two. We moved in with the OM for several months but then my parents decided to get back together, so we moved back home for six months. Both my mum and dad admit now they only tried to reconcile for the children. Needless to say, it didn't work and we moved back in with the OM.

My mum and the OM have been together for twenty years now. They are married and have a wonderful relationship. The OM, my step dad is an amazing man and I count myself lucky to have him in my life. As a child and now as an adult I have three fantastic and very involved parents who love me and now my own children and all three are active in our lives.

The issue isn't the A. The issue isn't the separation and subsequent divorce. My mum and dad still get on very well, talk often and it was a very amicable and civilised split. My dad has never remarried, never had another partner and admits he never should have married my mum. He likes being alone.

The issue is the period of time we went back and they tried to R. I remember this period of time with anxiousness even twenty years later. It was an unsettling and upsetting time for me. There were lots of arguments, I was constantly worried about leaving in the middle of the night again, unsure of my future, where I was going to live. I was eight, I was scared.

My take away from this is that I hate surprises. Christmas and birthdays I have to know what I'm getting. I have to have things planned out. I'm not obsessive about it but I dislike loose plans. I don't like uncertainty or not knowing what's going to happen. I like order and organisation, everything in my house has a place and it's never messy or dirty. I clean a lot. Not to the point of OCD, I don't think bad things will happen if I don't, I just feel calmer in a clean and tidy house. I cannot relax and watch telly in the evening if my children's toys are still all over the floor.

Currently, I am separated from BH. He is living just up the road and I remain with the kids in the family home. This situation cannot continue long term, it is not our house, we are a military family and it is army housing. I have no car and it is a very remote area, I have spoken in other threads about how isolating this is for me.

Eventually, a decision will have to be made. Either we will stay together as a family and move elsewhere. Or, BH will stay in his single accommodation and I will move with the children back nearer my family. This will be a relocation of several hundred miles, a huge change for the children, a new school, new friends and an explanation that mummy and daddy no longer live together.

I am struggling with this because the relocation feels like a line being drawn and R would no longer be on the table. At the point I move the children to that new life, there is no chance of R after that (for me, I would go back in a heartbeat but I'm worried about the children.) The disruption it would cause to them to move, set up a new life have it explained to them that daddy no longer lives with them is bad enough but to uproot them again at some point in the future, move them back in to a new family home and explain that mummy and daddy are back together, it feels too confusing for them. I know, I've been through it. I'm working through the issues it caused me in IC right now. I have caused enough damage with my A, I don't want to be the cause of further suffering for them.

BH and I were discussing the logistics of my move back near my family at the weekend. Money, me not having a car etc. BH was very stressed out by it all, it wasn't an easy discussion. I shared my fear, that I would move and six months later he would change his mind and want to get back together. He looked surprised and said "why would that be a problem?" I explained my FOO issues and what caused them, I expressed concern at similar disruption for our own children. He became slightly angry, said he was making no such decision. He said he can't think more than 48 hours in the future, let alone six months or a year so he doesn't know how he's going to feel.

This is in stark contrast to what he had said a few hours earlier, that he never wanted to be with me again and he wanted to and had already tried moving on (confessed he had met a girl in a club, exchanged numbers and been texting her. Been introduced to a girl by a friend and had also been messaging her. Claims he stopped talking to them when they suggested meeting because he knew he couldn't get physical, it would feel like cheating. Given his history, I am unsure how true that is but that's for a different thread!)

So now I'm struggling. I know my FOO issues are causing me anxiety over this and I am trying very hard not to let them have such a hold over me. I told BH I wasn't forcing him into a decision, that if I moved and at any point in the future he wanted to get back together, I would of course move back in with him. We are his family, we are always an option for him and I would never deny him that. But I do have anxiety about the effect on the children, I just wanted to be honest.

The result of this conversation was that he spent the night with me on Sunday night. Which was lovely, I am very grateful for those precious hours. It was lovely to wake up next to him in the morning. But we haven't spoken about it since and I am unsure how to proceed.

Sorry for the uber long post, my IC is away this week, my session would usually be later today. Needed to get it out I think!

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 4:19 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)]


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Raising hand from the back of the classroom. Betrayed child (BC) here. I sure can relate to FOO issues. Long story but that is what brought me to SI. My mother had an A(s) that I discovered and had to tell my father about when I was 16. Needless to say it didn't go well and a toxic environment ensued. I can totally relate to overhearing arguments and conversations where my mother would bad mouth my father. I have many issues today, some of which were a result of that mess. I'm still dealing with the aftermath 25 years later, but at least I'm dealing with it now. I didn't deal with any of it until recently. I don't want to t/j here, but if you are ever interested in discussing FOO issues further, feel free to pm me. I'm as open as a book on this stuff nowadays. Or you can look in my profile but warning...it's really long and brutally honest.

For me, one of my biggest fears has been passing on these FOO issues to my own children. Which is why I'm trying to better myself as a person and have these FOO issues end with me. I've read many of your posts and I see you are trying to do the same. I applaud you for that!!!

On a side note, Mrs. yop most likely suffers from OCPD (not officially diagnosed yet). Not that I want to play armchair psychologist here and I don't even remotely suggest that you have this. But I do see some similarities between what the two of you suffer through.

My take away from this is that I hate surprises. Christmas and birthdays I have to know what I'm getting. I have to have things planned out. I'm not obsessive about it but I dislike loose plans. I don't like uncertainty or not knowing what's going to happen. I like order and organisation, everything in my house has a place and it's never messy or dirty. I clean a lot. Not to the point of OCD, I don't think bad things will happen if I don't, I just feel calmer in a clean and tidy house. I cannot relax and watch telly in the evening if my children's toys are still all over the floor.

Mrs. yop is exactly the same way and the older she is getting, the worse this is getting. Through her own research she is convinced she has OCPD and we've been talking about it quite a bit lately. She can trace hers back to a sexual assault in college. What resulted was her having a deep need to schedule everything. She has to have order or she ends up beside herself with anxiety. We went to Disney back in Nov. and I wanted to have a day where we didn't schedule anything and could go at our own pace. She was beside herself all day and couldn't enjoy herself. I hate to see my W suffer. She knows she needs IC for it and is building up the courage for it. Plus with my son and I both in IC for different reasons, our schedule is so full, thanks to her "careful planning", that she doesn't have time for it...yet. She hates that the house has "suffered" a bit since her career has taken off. But man is her career going. Everyone fights over her to get her in their groups because she has all the qualities of a kick arse employee. Little do they know those are all the traits that come from OCPD.

The point is I know not being able to plan for the future for someone with your traits is extremely difficult. Your anxiety gets exacerbated by not being able to schedule and plan. Limbo is even more difficult for you. I get it. I've seen that in my own house. I feel for you BBT.

Most importantly. I wanted to let you know that I'm pulling for you and your family. The fact that he is distraught and torn about you having to move away shows strong signs that he does want to be with you. You guys can do this!!!

Sending you strength and courage BBT.

Love the UK btw. I do work with the NHS and get to go over the pond every once in a while. Beautiful country.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2187 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Sadmumma
♀ Member
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you.. I feel your anguish.

My mother left an abusive relationship (my stpfather) when i was 10. I never knew where we were going, or if we were going home. We moved states several times over 'separation' and 'reconciliation'.

I have had attachment issues my adult life (keeping people 'at arms length') which I've worked hard to overcome. There are things my husband of 16 years knew nothing about. (which is probably how I ended up with someone with NPD.. I didnt mind that he didnt ask about my childhood/past.

I like to be 'well planned'.. and to say you'll come 'after lunch' and not show up until 3:30-4 has me on edge something chronic. I can barely think straight. It is something I plan to bring up at IC.

For your situation, its probably going to have to be a 'suck it and see' situation. If you move back with your parents assume their no opportunity for R. Address the opportunity for R if it comes up.


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 536 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yop, thank you so much for you kind reply. Your words were very comforting and it's reassuring to know I'm not the only one with these issues. My siblings were not affected in the same way as I was, I think they were too young to be aware of what was going on.

I am very aware of passing on any issues to my own children, I don't want to be the reason they are in IC when they're older. I realise the hypocrisy of that, I had an A so I've already done more than enough to royally mess them up but I don't want to do any more damage.

I wish I could be as optimistic as you are, but it's nice to know you're pulling for us

England is lovely, amazing this time of year.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 2:09 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)]


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and to say you'll come 'after lunch' and not show up until 3:30-4 has me on edge something chronic. I can barely think straight.

That's exactly it, sadmumma! I'm exactly the same. I get so anxious, I literally pace around the house, clean and watch out the window. I can't do anything else!

I think you're right, I'll just have to suck it and see. Do what feels best at the time.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am very aware of passing on any issues to my own children, I don't want to be the reason they are in IC when they're older. I realise the hypocrisy of that, I had an A so I've already done more than enough to royally mess them up but I don't want to do any more damage.

The most important thing here BBT is what you do with their environment going forward. You are remorseful. You are working to get better. Show them that and work with them, engage them if you need to, and I guarantee everything will be ok with them in the long run.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2187 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My kids are still very tiny, eldest is five. So there is no way they understand the specifics of what's going on.

My eldest knows I'm in IC though, I go out once a week on my own which is unusual because I'm a stay at home mum. He asked where I went, so I told him that I go to see a nice lady called _____ and I talk to her about all the things I'm worried about, because it's important to share your problems etc etc. He seemed fine with that but he knows there is something going on, even if he's too young to understand what.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And that^^^^^ is how you are showing them and that I'm confident they are going to be ok. You are a good mum BBT. I know it's hard in your situation, but keep your chin up and keep moving forward BBT.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2187 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, Yop


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
Actionsoverwords
♂ Member
Member # 41949
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, BBT, I am a WS, BStepC, BC (most likely), SA, with many issues with FOO.

I feel for you, keep fighting on!

My actions are my actions and there are no excuses for the things that I have done to hurt the people that have come into my lives and that were promptly crapped on. What I will say is that all of the aforementioned issues that I mentioned has shaped my thinking to a point where I struggle to function.

I didn't find out who my biological father was until last year, only to find out that he passed away from cancer. I have half-siblings out there in the world and I don't know who they are. I know that my father was a womanizer and alcoholic. My mother refused to talk about him or provide me with any information about my origin. She went as far as lying to me when I asked her which hospital I was born at so I can get my birth certificate (I was not born in the US) and she told me the hospital burned down so don't bother. Mom had addictions of her own that led to me spending time in places that no child ever should have. Stepfather had sex with a prostitute in the same bed I was sleeping in. Secrets all around me and instead of choosing to live in the light, I lived my life in the darkness, choosing all of the wrong things to do. I have severe issues with trust and telling the truth.

Sorry for the t/j, but I wanted you to know that you are not alone and that your pain is shared and you are heard.


Me: WH, 30's
Her : BW, 30's, (determinata)
Children: An amazing son.
I am a sex addict, working on myself, and facing the wreckage of my actions.



Posts: 271 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 3:13 AM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry to hear what you have been through AOW. You had a traumatic childhood but what matters is that you're here trying to fix yourself now.

I was doing some thinking last night (don't sleep much at the moment) and I realised that during times of upset or anxiety where I feel I have no control over anything, I compensate for this by controlling what I eat.

I don't think I am anorexic or anything because I don't starve myself but I definitely limit my food intake. If I'm hungry, I'll eat but I completely lose my appetite when I am stressed, anxious or upset. If I do eat, I eat very little.

I have always had issues with food. When I was three years old I developed a selective eating disorder. It's like fussy eating but more extreme. I had 'safety foods', foods I would eat without a problem. I was convinced other foods would make me sick or harm me, so I refused to eat them. It got worse after my parent's separation but has lessened as I've got older, I do eat a wide range of food now but I definitely eat to stay alive, eating and preparing food isn't something I enjoy at all.

In the month or so before my A began I was in a dark place and I lost a lot of weight very quickly. I went down to 8st 4lbs (117lbs?) and at 5ft 9 I looked skeletal.
I've hovered around that weight ever since, it's starting to affect my health. I've had a cough/cold for over two weeks that I just can't shift.

This is something I really need to address in IC but I don't think my C is qualified to deal with these specific problems.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 3:25 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)]


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 11

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