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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: pain, growing, and the cost.
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Before your read this....know that I am not referrencing the initial pain (6-8 months for me) one experiences upon their DD. I am referring to the pain you experience AFTER that DD-pain starts to subside. I am also very aware of my own, personal brokenness (immaturities).

21-22 months out now.

80-90 therapy sessions.

$$$$$$$ spent.

2 weekend retreats.

35+ books read.

6 vacation days used on "affair related items".

Buckets of tears.

20 lbs lost.


This trial costs a LOT.


I was pondering these measureable items associated with the journey through adultery as well as those immeasureable items such as grief, depression, rage and the whole host of intense emotions and came up with this......

All growth is painful. All growth costs something. (have read all growth is good, but have not owned that for my own....yet). It is my lack-of-growth over the years that has necessitated me to do some VERY painful growth now.


As a forester I can relate to tree growth very well.

I see myself pre-A as a strong but unattended to tree. I had rubbing limbs, co-dominant tops, a few dead branches, and some pretty poor form and shape. I had healthy foliage, looked nice from the street. I produced some fruit, but it was not as high of quality or bountiful as I could have produced. In addition, my "issues" made me more vulnerable to disease and insects (temptations). I needed pruning.

For me, I was shocked when I peeked under the leaves and found I had limbs that needed pruned off (lies and coping mechs that I generated)
, that I was not producing the healthy fruit I thought I was (limited and,or destroyed intimacy as I ate that fruit).

Pruning, even when done to arborists standards, "hurts" a tree....creates stress in that tree. But it is healthy and results in a stronger tree....more able to withstand storms and other stress's.

You only prune live trees. No need to waste time or money on dead trees.....they are without hope.


So take comfort in the fact that you are alive, that you are worth pruning, that you CAN achieve better form, produce healthy fruit. There is hope for you.

Two become one.....hopefully and prayerfully, you AND your spouse are "pruning" your M tree and you can share in hope....and, one day, harvest healthy fruit from that tree. This takes you both examining that tree...."What do you think...need to trim that one off?" "Feel like eating that fruit now?"....those sorts of joint discussions must take place to restore that M tree and nurture it so that it may continuously produce fruit for you to eat and provide shelter when the storms return.


I had this thought this morning to conclude with.....


I love my daughters. They cost me time, money and anxiety.....but I GLADLY pay this cost. For they are ALIVE! I am full of hope for them every day, pray for them every morning, can't wait to see what their futures hold for them.

I was nervous to have children.....worried about the "costs" (both emotional and physical). Now I can't imagine why I waited as long as we did....and want MORE!

Since having our girls I can't hear a story or watch a movie with a child getting hurt or killed and not immediately have tears form in my eyes. I am blessed to have them alive and a part of my life. Costs are hardly a factor NOW....shame they were such a factor for me before.

I am blessed to BE alive.....even though in doing so I experience pain and growth. And that pain and growth cost me something. Shame the costs in investing (pruning) in myself pre-A seemed to be such a factor pre-A (dang codependency)......


As I ponder the man I was before this trial, I see I was constantly trying to keep my costs "down". I didn't prune as I needed to. I was a very unintentional orchard owner....satisified with a less-than-bountiful harvest and eating immature fruit rather than waiting for the proper harvest season.

I am no longer that orchard owner.

As I follow fellow SI members, particularly those whom I refer to as "my brat pack" members (those with similar start dates and join dates), I see an improvement in THEIR harvests.


I know I am not alone in this understanding that to be fully alive there is going to be growing, there is going to be pain, and that is going to cost us something.

Do not offer "nothing" and expect "something".

R to a WS is a gift. It is not cheap, it is not instantly realized, nor is it an act of a weak person. In fact, it comes at a HIGH price...perhaps one of the highest a person can pay. My wife has realized this.

I pray all BS's can fully accept that offering R to their fWS is NOT a cheap, weak offering.....it is one that is expensive. It takes a person willing to expose and offer up their core to another for this to happen. To do this, the BS has to grow through and past the pain.....to invest in themselves....to wait for a harvest. All the while they are starving and sooooo want to eat now! But they don't.

Affairs, porn, volunterism, workaholism, alcoholism.....all are instant, cheap and easy.....no waiting for the harvest season. But that fruit is of poor quality and quantity....a reflection of low-costs and lack of intention.

I pray this does not offend the BS's who were healthy pre-A. I humbly offer up this post from a standpoint of a very flawed BS and do not intend to project my level of brokenness to the average BS.

God is with us all.


[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:28 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3685 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Blake, I once again enjoyed your insights.
This
I am blessed to BE alive.....even though in doing so I experience pain and growth.
... it's so true.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 924 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have 2 daughters too. Can't imagine life without them.

Last night H told me that he has no idea how I've come so far. He doesn't understand my willingness to give the gift of R, but he's grateful for every day we are together.

The truth is, I have no idea either. For a long time, I could not get past my own ego, my own pain to move forward in any direction. It's only when I surrendered did things start to look more clear. Everyone has a different path. That's why it's difficult to give advice to those who ask R or D..which is better? I asked myself that question until I thought I was going crazy. I needed to let go of the question.

I don't know how I've come so far. I know I'm not strong enough to do it alone. Without surrender, I'd still be stuck. Growth is painful, but staying stuck was much worse. I still have a lot of pain, but also feel more alive. I am grateful for the joys that enter our lives. It's becoming easier to see when I'm closing my heart off (not just to H, but to reality as well). We're getting better at talking it through instead of justifying turning away from each other (or ourselves). I always feel better when I confront my fears and old patterns. Always. There has been no exception to this yet. It's not easy though, is it?


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
5 year long EA (still believe PA), webcam girls, contacting hookers
Preparing for D

Posts: 724 | Registered: Mar 2013
trying1
♀ Member
Member # 40954
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

great analogy.


Me: 40 (BS)
Him:37 (FWH)
Married:11 years
4 kids
DDay 7/27/13
LTA: 3 years

Posts: 58 | Registered: Oct 2013
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know how I've come so far. I know I'm not strong enough to do it alone. Without surrender, I'd still be stuck. Growth is painful, but staying stuck was much worse. I still have a lot of pain, but also feel more alive. I am grateful for the joys that enter our lives. It's becoming easier to see when I'm closing my heart off (not just to H, but to reality as well). We're getting better at talking it through instead of justifying turning away from each other (or ourselves). I always feel better when I confront my fears and old patterns. Always. There has been no exception to this yet. It's not easy though, is it?

So true - thanks for this.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1966 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Sadone29)))

I could not get past my own ego, my own pain to move forward in any direction.

Kinda lost track of your journey, Sadone29....sorry about that. This quote resonates strongly with me.

The first 6 months? Total crap. Not sure ANYONE, no matter their ego level, is equipped to get past that pain to grow much in that first 6 month period.

You ask yourself about how you made it through. I, too, wonder that. My brother has told me repeatedly, as has my go-to guy friend...."I don't know how you did what you did" and "where do you find the courage to do what you do?".

Honest answer is.....I didn't and don't. I had help. My spiritual growth has enabled me to get where I am at.

My wife has said a few times "I don't know why?" when I tell her I love her. THIS I DO know why...its because I have seen my OWN selfish nature. I have come face to face with some very unnerving and unpleasant "whys" of my own life....that affected my own choices.

"I may not be where I want to be, but thank God I am not where I used to be!"--Joyce Meyers

That ego you mentioned? It was not until I was sufficiently humbled that I was open to learning.

My wifes choice of adultery had some humbling components to it for sure.....but that is not where my humility came from. I could have raised up in pride and divorced......found a cute young thing and forever pridefully lived in the false confidence that I did the right thing. Falsely believing that I was not flawed and I knew how to do relationships right...my wife was the one that screwed it all up.


Appears to me is humbling comes from actions you do to yourself. My wife choosing adultery was not mine to own.....had no role in it....humbling could not occur. The humbling I have experienced from that pain was that from my own dreadful choices upon DD and for a few months afterwards. It was from THOSE choices and consequences that humbling has occurred within me.

KWIM?


Since I don't think I was arrogant in a open and traditional way....I thought I was confident, not prideful. Since I was quick to poke fun at myself, I thought I was humble.

Oh, how prideful I was....I still wrestle with pride issues.

Congrats on growing into the knowledge you have shown you have via your post here!

Peace.


[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:00 PM, April 15th (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3685 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks bionicgal and blakesteele.

Ah, yes, pride! I think if most people were honest with themselves, they'd see their own issues with pride.

I see now in our R, we either grow together or we grow apart. If I didn't confront my own issues, I would have just left and gone on to another unhealthy situation. My H of today is the healthiest man I've been with. I was always attracted to addicts, or at least people I thought I could save.

But, I still have a long way to go. It's so easy to fall back into old ways of thinking.


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
5 year long EA (still believe PA), webcam girls, contacting hookers
Preparing for D

Posts: 724 | Registered: Mar 2013
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very insightful Blake.

This entire experience has come at a great cost to me, emotionally, financially, physically. But would I rather be the Itsaclimb I was pre- this experience? No way! I certainly wish I could have done all this growing for some other reason... but ultimately I am SO glad I was forced to grow, to confront my issues, to do all this learning and introspection. I am a better woman for it.

R-ing with my husband has come at a great price. I think he appreciates that, but even if he doesn't, I am okay with that... I am comfortable with my decision for now and if I have to change that decision for one or other reason down the line, I know that after all this growth I will be strong enough to cope. That is so reassuring to me.

It's been a privilege to travel this road with such great companions - our brat pack is full of wise, wonderful people... I'm not sure I could have come this far without them.


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 967 | Registered: Oct 2012
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think he appreciates that, but even if he doesn't, I am okay with that... I am comfortable with my decision for now and if I have to change that decision for one or other reason down the line, I know that after all this growth I will be strong enough to cope. That is so reassuring to me.

((((Itsaclimb)))) This is golden....and so very true in my heart as well! The price of admission was worth this growth and discovery!!!

It's been a privilege to travel this road with such great companions - our brat pack is full of wise, wonderful people... I'm not sure I could have come this far without them.

Totally agree....except I KNOW I could not have come this far without them, you, my RL friends, and God.

So much truth in fellowship. It is scary to reach out to others, but the alternative....well, lets just say I have been there, done that.

My wife and I are finally turning towards and reaching for each other.....seems a long time coming since DD. But we had, in some ways, turned away from each other before her A.........maybe better put....from the begining of our M we turned slightly toward each other. Our coping skills only allowed so much "rotation" towards another. We saw something in each other that allowed us to at least start to turn towards one another. But our FOO issues were like a wrench in the gear drive.....we would hit it, then stop, then hit it, then stop.

That was US doing M our way.....without any fellowship...without guidance. NOW, we have had lots of guidance and are finding courage to move towards each other.

We are now engaging teeth on those "gears" that we have never engaged before.....we are turning more and more towards each other. It is wildly exciting to me, but scary too.

But something substantial has happened within me. My old ways taste like vinegar. Odd....because those old ways are what I was fighting so hard to keep alive. Now, I don't want even a taste of them.


I love my wife more than I ever have.

Pain and sadness are still a part of me, but I am experiencing something I can't fully explain yet....but have felt it long enough now to post about it.....

So very grateful for all of SI...but specifically to our original brat-pack members, my brother, my go-to guy friend, and my wife.

God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:56 AM, April 16th (Wednesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3685 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
steadfasttrue
♂ New Member
Member # 41328
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blake as always, spot on! Good read and well taken from this guy. Cheers.


Tie a knot and hang on!

Posts: 4 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 10

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