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Newest Member: JRconfused (45363)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Separated
Lex71
♂ Member
Member # 41172
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bit of a back story in my profile. I've been by myself since Jan, I rent, WGF lives in house that we are both on mortgage for.

I'm getting used, slowly, to being by myself. When I go to pick kids up I check my feelings toward her and the tank is empty, as much as I don't wish to be alone, I don't want to be with her. I am the sort of person who's trust, once gone, is very very difficult to regain. She has done nothing of her own to show remorse.

She has asked tonight about "are we still doing couples counselling?"

I have done IC, I know where I am, I know the journey has some way to go. I don't see the point in spending money on couples counselling - I don't see us being back together, I don't see any remorse from her. I believe I should answer her simply and directly that no, I am not looking at couples counselling and that I believe we should stay separated (and therefore single as never married). For some reason, I am feeling reticent to say this and it causes som anxiety to me. I'm not clear what the anxiety is....I'm trying to understand if anyone else has been in a similar position, what did you feel, do you know why you felt the way you did and what was the outcome?


Me: 42 Her: xWGf 39
Not married only engaged.
Two great kids, both under 6
DDay #1: 18 Nov 2013
DDay #2: July 2011

Posts: 88 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: UK
Caretaker1
♂ Member
Member # 42777
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stay separated listen that inner voice, don't get married. Did she cheat?

Posts: 234 | Registered: Mar 2014
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stay 180 degrees from her unless and until you are convinced anything else makes sense.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Lex71
♂ Member
Member # 41172
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Caretaker, Merlin thanks

Yes she did cheat. She's done it twice now. Past behaviour being an indicator of future behaviour suggests she would again.

She asked a direct question, I have told her tonight that I would have to say no to couples counselling.

We're not married. The only legal pieces are the joint mortgage and child support. Since we are not married, there is no divorce, we are, in the eyes of the law, single people.

It's 180 all the way, children and money. I don't talk to her about things, life, work or anything else. She is not part of my life and I don't see her being part of it in the future. Yes, of course there is contact because of the children but that is all.


Me: 42 Her: xWGf 39
Not married only engaged.
Two great kids, both under 6
DDay #1: 18 Nov 2013
DDay #2: July 2011

Posts: 88 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: UK
betrayedidiot
♀ Member
Member # 42868
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was hard for me to be alone in the beginning. I realized that most of it was the loss of standard routines and behaviors, not necessarily missing him. I do miss having someone to cuddle with in bed. It has been over two months now, and I am enjoying the freedom more everyday. It will get better for you! Try to find things you enjoy doing now that you have time to yourself.


Me: BS
Married almost 20 years
2 year EA and 1 month PA
DD-16
D-Day: 01/14/14
Separated and divorcing

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: TX
deena
♀ Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am still struggling with getting separated. I have told my WH I want it and am looking for a house to move into.
The thing is now he is being helpful, nice and respectful.
This causes some anxiety for me too.
My thought on this is maybe I am scared I will get sucked into not leaving.
I know that I can't stay here anymore. It just sucks the soul out of me.
It is the ideal idea of the marriage that I hoped it could have been that lulls me a little. Like pied piper trancing me into something that isn't good for me.

Try thinking of the big picture when this happens.
Remember.

Good luck Lex71


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 3056 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 6

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