Look at me, all these years later I'm in limbo because I got caught in that trap. He'd do just enough to hook me back in.
One thing I did right this time around was insist that answers were non-negotiable. Last time we buried it under the rug. The MC told him he could put restrictions on my questioning. So he did- each question could be asked one time. As a result, I haven't processed it. This has caused just as much or more damage to the M than the cheating.
As long as he's not answering questions, his loyalty is to the OW. He's protecting her and himself, not you. He needs to throw both her and himself under the bus if need be. IIRC the book "Not Just Friends" calls it walls and windows. He needs walls between him and the OW and windows between you two. As long as he and the OW share any secrets, it's reversed. Talking about the A is a way to rebuild the "us" and tear down the "them".
Also, you're very close to your d-day. What has he done to build trust and prove the A is over? I say this because it's more common than not for the WS. To take the A underground.
Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11
When he clams up or gives brief answers it is to protect him and often times her. Also he doesn't want to actually face and deal with his behavior so he ducks the hard part hoping for an easy way out. Not happening, if he really wants to R.
"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl
I was ready to stop strangers in street just to have someone to talk to. I was desperate to know every hateful detail - and my WS didn't want to say a thing. Sadly this is all tawdry and normal.
You are very, very early in the process.
The first thing you should do is read the 180 rules - they are in the healing library under the BS FAQ.
Second - it is way to early for you to know what you want - you just took a major emotional blow - you are bleeding, lying on the ground - you are in no shape to plan your future.
You need to ask his help - ask him
1. Get him to agree to 100% no contact
2. Get him to agree to full disclosure - as many times as you need to hear it
3. Get him to agree to full transparency - he needs to make all electronics, accounts, bills available to you.
You two should negotiate a 6 month window of no drama, no pain - a time heal before you start working on your marriage and reconciling - or start the divorce. A time when you wont hurt each other - even if there will be little love between you.
He will expect that you can/will just get over it. He's wrong - he needs to understand that this is a long painful process. Marriages can heal, love can return - but it takes a long time.
Yes, you are financially dependent on him. However, he is a 71 yo guy - he is not going to find someone who will live with him or commit to spending his aging years with him (the way you have) - you do have some control, some power.
You should find out if the OW is married or in a relationship - and if so, you should let her betrayed spouse know.
I know you are in pain. It will get better.
His counseling should be a safe space, and he shouldn't have to talk about the details of what goes on in IC with you. However I would hope that he is reaching some breakthroughs with counseling that he will want to share with you. I hope also that he can learn to start talking with you in general, and giving you full disclosure. It's very, very normal to need to know the details of the scope of betrayal at such an early date. You need to understand what the betrayal was before you can decide how to proceed.
I am glad you are finding your inner lioness. Hold tight to her, and keep doing good things for yourself. I can't express enough how crucial it is right now that you take care of you.
[This message edited by norabird at 12:29 PM, April 16th (Wednesday)]
He doesn't have to share what the counselor is telling him, but the A information is something you have a right to know and probe. You may ask the same questions over and over, he needs to answer them over and over until you feel you can let that question go. (It take time to process details, and retain them, so don't worry that you have asked the questions more than once.)
He doesn't want to bothered doing the heavy lifting in fixing the mess he made. He doesn't want to deal with your hurt, tears, devastation, bawling, anger, or the disappointment you have in him. He just doesn't want to deal with it because it's not fun and it's a drag, and it's a pain in the ass.
All he wants is for you to shut up and forget all about it and just move on. Sending him here to read is almost laughable - he'll pretend he read for hours and then tell you (when you ask him what he's read), "they say it can be fixed."
There's no point sending him here. He won't bother reading it anyway, and besides, this is YOUR safe place to come to, not his.
The man has no remorse for what he's done, and he's tired of you 'nagging' him about it.
You can't reconcile with someone who clearly sees nothing wrong with what he did, Selma.
Good luck to you.
If your WH is trying (short answers right now are better than no answers), if he is NC with the OW, if he is going to IC and putting in the work, then I say give him some time. But you have to be the judge of whether you can do that or not. One week out is still very early (which I hate to say, but it is true) and this is a marathon, not a sprint. You get yourself into IC, work on yourself and see what happens. Watch his actions, not his words. Make it clear that you will need the answers eventually--try reading "Not Just Friends", it gives a great road map for working on things after the A is discovered. Write down all of your questions. In fact, writing down all of your thoughts and feelings can be very therapeutic.
I am sorry that you are going through this. It is horrible. Just know that it can and will get better. Maybe with him, maybe without him, too soon to tell. I just don't think you should expect too much too soon. I am sure others will disagree, I am just sharing my experience. My FWH is now an open book about it, still apologizes to me regularly and often tells me how lucky he is that I stood by him. I am glad that I did.
Sometimes the details are worse than your worst thoughts and mind movies. Sometimes not. You will need to understand this completely before you go down this road.
I feel like the lion inside of me is awake
Selma...yep...your lion is awake and ready to roar !!!
Your husband was unfaithful. Emotionally or physically - he was still unfaithful. You have every right to be mad.
He just won't talk about anything
he has apologized numerous times, is cleaning, cooking more
Look up the difference between regret and remorse. He apologized but did he ask for forgiveness? You say you're sorry when you stepped on someone's toe. Sorry doesn't cover this.
What is your WH willing to do to make sure he NEVER allows himself to go down this path again?
It is still very raw and new for you. It takes time regardless of what you decide to do.
I recommend IC for you as well. You will need help navigating these waters. And that is okay.
Take deep breaths and fight for your right to be treated with dignity and respect.
Read the 180 again and start it tomorrow. He is going to have to face the ugliness of what he has brought into your lives. Hopefully he will have a change of heart and start doing things because he wants to do what's right by you.
These are some of the things you may want to stop doing for him depending on your situation, so that you can gain more clarity into what kind of person your WH is..
It would be helpful in the decision making process if you had a way of knowing if your WH wants the marriage for love or simply to keep the comforts of home..KWIM?