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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Things you do now, you didn't do then
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 3:05 AM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Following on from Nekorb's thread, what things do you do now, that you didn't do when you were together?

Here's some of mine:

- Buy tablemats that didn't have flowers or boats. The Arse had funny rules about small things. I spent over a decade having to choose tablemats (because he wouldn't) that I didn't like (because he'd look disgusted if I bought something outside of his rule, and would mention it is a disparaging jokey, but not a joke, kind of way). Now I have funky scandanavian ones that I love.

- Buy buy white furniture. The Arse liked dark wood furniture, or failing that, pine. And all in the mock antique style. I like white or light wood furniture that helps our small UK houses look bigger. I like simple, clean lines.He took the worst bits with him. I had to buy cheap Ikeareplacements, but I'm so much happier with what I have now.

- Have my pictures/paintings hanging on the wall. The Arse had definite taste in art. Not my taste. Yet his taste always seemed to trump mine and my painting were not allowed up in the lounge, but relegated to dark corners upstairs...or hidden in the loft (attic). First thing I did when he left was to hang up my pictures in the lounge

- Get up when I wake up. He got funny with me if I got up before he did. I used to stay in bed waiting for him to wake up. This could be for hours....mainly because he stayed up late, waiting for me to sleep so he could text his OW and wank to hardcore porn

- Talk about my feelings and the children's feelings. We now have a much bigger range than: sad, happy, mad.

- Have dinner when the children are hungry and bed when they are tired, rather than waiting an hour past both to share it with The Arse


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 992 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
Bluebird26
♀ Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 3:19 AM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In rebellion when he first left I went out brought new bed linen on his credit card that was pink and green and had flowers and butterflies just to spite him as all our linen had to be masculine. Now pink and floral is not my favourite things but it felt bloody good doing it at the time


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1333 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 3:30 AM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes! I chucked all of the navy blue masculine bedding into a bin bag for him to take later,and bought neutral coloured feminine bedding.

Oh and bought some heart ornaments for around the house (never allowed girly things before)


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 992 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 3:57 AM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Candles. I have candles everywhere.

And I eat home made rice pudding whenever I like. He hated the look of it.

Joy. I have joy in my home. No-one hungover or trying to 'work' (he worked at home a lot because he wasn't working at work) or watch TV instead of spending time with his family. He has set a TV up in the girls room at his house and uses it as a babysitter most of the time. They are glued to it over there - hardly going out. We go out all the time - they help me make dinner even though they have the option of TV for 20 mins instead.

Laughter - same as the above.

Love - same as the above.

Silliness - it is a quirk of mine that my little girls share. I love getting silly with them.

No beers clogging up my fridge - no zillions of beer bottles to take out to the recycling bin. No Coca Cola on my shopping list either. My girls see me drink water and love drinking it themselves.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5558 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 4:17 AM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I eat home made rice pudding whenever I like. He hated the look of it.

Love this!


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 992 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
renee21
♀ Member
Member # 27088
Default  Posted: 6:15 AM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm still in early stages, but I plan on buying whatever girlie bedding I want and bedroom furniture I like.

we go to Disney now and ride all the rides without world war III, the day goes smoothly and we have fun. We are going to hit the beach and enjoy that too.

No more beer in the house or exploded in my freezer. No more hour long lectures or pissed off silent teenagers. They talk to me and carry a conversation with me when we go out to dinner.

He wasn't all bad but he didn't know how to deal with the older two without being a total hard ass and it alienated them from us.


BW(me) 36
WH-36 SA
Three kids 18, 16 and 9
Married 18 years.
Multiple D-Days, multiple OW and an OC
12/19/03,5/13/2004,12/5/2009, 2/20/2014
I am no longer a guest on the Jerry Springer Show.

Posts: 1325 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Florida
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its been a long time since I've told this story and I used to tell it all the time.

Before I moved out but had just kicked him into the guest room, in a fit of rage I threw the matress out the 2nd story window onto the front lawn. That was followed by the whole bed frame.

I took the truck, drove to Pottery Barn, Spent way too much on a frame. I cried until the sales girl gave me the floor model b/c they didn't have it in back stock. I was not a woman to be dismissed that day. I went next and bought a matress and finished with lovely sheets.

I hauled it all upstairs by myself. Put it together and moved his crap into the guest room. He was out of the master by the time he got home from work.

The neighbors had a lot of raised eyebrows. I got an awesome room


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8440 | Registered: Apr 2008
Lola2kids
♀ Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No more lap top on the sofa table.
No more lump on the sofa on the computer and watching TV at the same time.
No more piles of paper lying around everywhere.
I have everything that I can email or ebill.
No more work shirt on the banister in the living room.
No more parents (his) living in the basement and looking down their noses at me.

More dinners when we get home and no waiting for him to get there.
We talk during dinner instead of reading the paper or a magazine while eating.

We leave on time since we don't have to wait for someone to "take a dump".

I have celery in my fridge and actually can put it in recipes that call for it again.

No open wine bottles on the counter or wine rings on the furniture.

I can keep my soft drinks in the fridge and actually drink 1 per day without him sneering at me that I am drinking "sugar water". Um, they are diet drinks and I know they are not "healthy" but I only have 1 per day as opposed to his bottle of wine per day.

No more whiskey in the house.

Arrange my bedroom to my taste and bought purple sheets and covers. Love it!!

Only have to do laundry once a week (2-3 loads).

on and on and on.


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
D-Day April 18, 2011
Him:out Sept. 11, 2011
He moved to Europe June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1386 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I bought Ikea furniture. The X hated it, but I love the clean lines. The bed is the most comfortable one I've ever slept in and my couch is slouchy and comfortable too.

The X was the one who liked frou-frou stuff; I'm more 'streamlined'


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20160 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was only allowed to get takeout 1 night per week, which was inevitably.... Monday!

Now, I rarely cook. If I'm home, I just don't eat.

After WXH left, I got an awesome King sized bed. The dogs and I love it.

When I was married, he drove a $50,000+ vehicle, while mine didn't even have cruise control. He worked from home and I had an hour commute. Now, I have a really nice car.

Weekends used to be consumed with working at Wxh's business. Now, I do whatever I want: yoga, walk the dogs, read.

It's really a wonderful life.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7646 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
betrayedidiot
♀ Member
Member # 42868
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I bought new linens, and like others said, they were my taste not his. I leave my makeup all over the counter (something he hated). Mostly, I just enjoy the freedom. I get to come and go as I please. And DD and I go out to eat all the time. He always expected me to cook dinner. Also its nice to watch what I want on tv and Netflicks.


Me: BS
Married almost 20 years
2 year EA and 1 month PA
DD-16
D-Day: 01/14/14
Separated and divorcing

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: TX
Must Survive
♀ Member
Member # 34533
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have such a long list!

I know longer have to eat meat with every meal

I can have a dinner of celery, sweet peppers and a hard boiled egg

I don't have to go to bed when he does (10pm on the dot)

I can use candles, he thought they were a waste

I have discovered I like decorating. I love what I have done with my home. And its more beachy, not girly or as he liked "cheap hand me downs"

I know longer have to hear about his favorite football team and how "we" lost a game. I always wondered where our paycheck was if he was playing!

I no longer have to hear all the stupid get rich quick business ideas of his that will never pencil out. I know that he tried starting a very competitive/costly business last year. Just told his son it was not working out and would have to sell his inventory!

I no longer have to wait until he has energy to do something. I enjoy doing things.

I don't have to walk through the grocery store watching a man under 50 years old, over 6 feet tall lean on a grocery cart as he walked with it.

I know longer have to hear how hard it is to do fix it projects, weed etc. Not only is it not hard, its damn easy. I didn't realize I didn't need him.

I no longer have to hear him complain how his feet hurt, even though all he would have to do would be buy a good pair of boots, instead he was too cheap even though he could afford them.

I no longer have to have a "pissing contest" with him everytime I tried to talk to him about a problem I had with my business or family. He would ALWAYS turn it around about how hard his day/life was.

I am going to stop now. Feels good but its someone else's turn.


Me BS
WS: Just a squished bug on the window of my life!
Divorcing, STBXH is engaged/living with OW#3

They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." — Daenerys Targaryen


Posts: 746 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Must Survive
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As I said in Nekorb's thread, I have music playing ALL the time now. The only time it isn't on is when one of the kids or I are playing an instrument. –-"I need some peace and quiet."

I go out to play music at least two nights per week. "I'm going out that night, so you need to take care of the kids."

I don't even own a tv, so no more ridiculous decorating shows. "I like to see what I could do to this house if I ever had any money."

I don't have to take the kids from the house for hours at a time to avoid her shitty moods. "I don't get any time alone all week like you do."

On the weekends, we sleep in as late as we want. "You're teaching the kids to be lazy!"

We eat a whole bag of cookies with our movie every Saturday night. "You'll all get fat."

I have posters on the wall, and leopard-skin lampshades. I know the lampshades are ugly, but they're not fucking BEIGE. "I like neutrals."

The boys and I have fantastic discussions about music, sex, religion, and politics while we prepare supper together. "They don't understand most of what you said" and "When are they going to help me with MY jobs?"

I live in an apartment now, so no more shovelling, mowing, weeding, gardening, raking, and vacuuming only takes ten minutes! "Rent is just throwing your money away when you could be earning equity."

I know I'll think of about a dozen more as soon as I hit the Submit button.

[This message edited by Pass at 12:27 PM, April 16th, 2014 (Wednesday)]


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1923 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
hope2014
♀ New Member
Member # 42707
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like others, I play music lots of music all the time. Since there is no one there to criticize what I'm listening to.

I also have started running.

I bought a case of only white wine.

I rearranged furniture and hung pictures.

Due to several appliances breaking around the time of the separation, I also bought a new flat screen TV, new washer/dryer, laptop, Apple TV, and toaster.


Me - BS; 35
Him - WH; 34
Married - 15 years
2 Kids - Agess 3 and 6
DDay - 2/26/14

Posts: 49 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Ohio
Tripletrouble
♀ Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I redid my master bedroom into my bedding and decor of choice, and took over the entire closet. I have to be up very early for work, so no more tip toeing around in the dark - I turn on the light and turn on my music. When the kids are with the ex I eat something like an avocado for dinner. My TV is hardly ever on. I have air fresheners in the scents I like. I make spending choices I alone am responsible for.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 638 | Registered: May 2013
tesla
♀ Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I repainted every room of the house in my colors. I bought rugs with *gasp* eclectic patterns bordering on flowery.

I bought an ikea chair.

Also bought my first ever brand new car in *my* favorite color and I didn't have to listen to his whining about how the seats hurt his back. (Oh and that goes for the ikea chair too.)

I listen to my music. As loud as I want. Teslet and I dance crazy throughout the house and we don't care.

I speak my mind and don't give a shit what others think.

I do my job and don't seek co-dependent validation.

I have a savings account.

I run faster than I've run in 15 years.

Damn--this list just put me in a ridiculously good mood!


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4628 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
tryingagain74
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my. Where do I start?

I save a great deal of money because it's not being spent on extreme home improvements. I have a modest little house, and I like it that way.

I enjoy my TV watching after the kids go to bed without a shred of guilt. When we were together, he thought I watched too much TV. I watch about 6-8 hours per week. What he really meant was, "You're supposed to drop everything and have sex with me, not collapse in an exhausted heap in front of the TV even though I did very little to help you!"

I have a social life. No one is calling me after I've been gone for an hour, wondering when I'll be home. When he has the kids, I can relax and spend time with friends and family.

I'm singing again. Similar to the previous point, I can carry on with a hobby outside of the house without him resenting that he has to "watch" the kids (never mind that they are his children as well, and I never crabbed about him going off to pursue his interests).

I enjoy my lovely bed that doesn't smell like his unwashed hair.

I also created a much more feminine bedroom for myself with light colors that are calming. Our previous bedrooms were very masculine and uninviting. My current bedroom is very welcoming and cozy.

When I buy my next car, it will be the one that I like-- not whatever suits him.

I could go on for ages...


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3604 | Registered: Oct 2011
Klove
♀ Member
Member # 42096
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love LOVE this thread!

-eat mushrooms and put mushrooms in spaghetti sauce and on pizza. I remember grilling a portobello for a burger and he was so repulsed I couldn't enjoy it.

-listening to rap or top 40 music. I have a very wide taste in music. While I love seeing Indie or alternative music live, I also enjoy boogieing around the house or in the car to top 40 stuff. And my kids like it. He always shat on it and basically wouldn't let us listen to it if he was around. He was so snobby about only indie music.

-napping- god help me if I ever took a nap or went to be early! To him it was the epitome of lazy. On a rainy Sat. I love to curl up with a book and maybe fall asleep.

- not eating meat with every meal

-cooking what I want to eat

- reading. Stbxwh never read- always watched tv before bed. I like to read before bed.

- turning off tv when I want to sleep. Stbxwh would get so grumpy if I wanted him to turn off the tv while I was trying to sleep and so I'd just shove a pillow over my head and try to fall asleep. After a while I would fall asleep to be woken up by his snoring and the tv blaring. After I turned it off I would take another hour to get to sleep again! I sleep much more soundly without him.

-no shit left everywhere. Not having to remind him "we have a garbage. We have a dishwasher."

-no separate laundry for all of his precious merino wool clothing he spends hundreds on and obsesses over.

-no farts and burps without "excuse me"- I teach my boys manners.

- choosing my own stuff without being told "no offence but you have no taste."


"But stand still is all I did
Love like ours is never fixed
Still I stuck around
I did behave
I saved you every time
I was a fool for love
I was a fool for love"

Posts: 294 | Registered: Jan 2014
myowndystopia
♀ Member
Member # 41340
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Buy creamy peanut butter! Sometimes it's just the little things like that! I always bought the natural crunchy peanut butter because that's what he liked. Now- after 30+ years..... Jif creamy- my favorite!

And I got a piano! I've had several opportunities to get a piano where friends were selling very cheap or giving away. He said we had no place for one so wouldn't let me. My neighbor was giving hers away. Found a moving company to move it from one house to another and it looks great where I put it! Bought me some books and music to reteach and refresh and loving it!

Enjoy my weekends. We have a weekend home and every weekend was spent there. I loved it there but then that meant I had the upkeep of two homes. I'm enjoying being at my main home and doing things in the community that i never got to do before.


Me- BS
Him - WS (the Grub)
married 28 years/4 kids(mostly grown)

"'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true "
Set Fire to the Rain
Adele


Posts: 408 | Registered: Nov 2013
Topic Posts: 19

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