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User Topic: best friends of the opposite sex
Skye
Member
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't say one should have best friends of the opposite sex, but totally avoiding interactions seems just as bizarre to me. I have a friend who I work with on different projects. I have asked him could we meet over a cup of coffee sometimes. It's really easier than sitting on the phone or emailing materials back and forth. He has never said yes. I am wondering if he cheated on his wife or vice versa so he won't/can't go there.

Posts: 5629 | Registered: Jul 2002
LearnToLetGo
♀ Member
Member # 19900
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm bisexual, though married to a man. Do I get to have any friends? Or do I have to sign an affidavit that I'm not sexually attracted to someone before I can go have coffee with them?

(All that to say, it's not that black and white. DH was the wayward, but he still has some very close female friends about whom I am not in the least bit concerned. His boundaries are a lot stronger now.)


Me - 30s
FWH/OM to WOW - 40s
Wannabe Other Woman - my mother's age.
DDay - 2002

Reconciled.


Posts: 128 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Canada
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't call him my BFF, but I have a very good male friend from work. I'm the betrayed spouse and we actually became good friens because he helped get me through some of the bad times with some good talks.

We go to lunch often, but there are always other colleagues invited. Same thing if we have a drink after work - its one drink on Friday and then he goes to meet his family for dinner, which is their tradition. If I have to talk to him about work after hours, which is rare, I call their house phone with caller I'd on the television. I never call his cell phone.

With all that said, I'm also good friends with his wife. My friend and his wife also love my mother so she also hangs out frequently with us and travels when we go on trips with both families, kids included. There is never an invitation extended anywhere that does not include the other members of our families. There are times when he will ask me, my mom and my kids to join him and his family for certain events or holidays. There are times when I will decline because I don't want to interfere too much and I want them to have their own family time without us around.

My ex cheated with his secretary so I'm very sensitive to boundaries. My friend is like a brother to me and I have never had a though of anything inappropriate.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2835 | Registered: Jan 2011
RightTrack
♀ Member
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My best friend from hs and college is male. He lives on the opposite coast so I don't see him that much anymore and when I do see him it is always with our families. He would never want to make his wife uncomfortable and I want to model appropriate marital relationships for my kids. My husband likes my friend and has no problem with our friendship.

Posts: 623 | Registered: Sep 2012
Ms_Strong
♀ Member
Member # 30883
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of my best friends is male. We have very clear boundaries. I have never cheated. I met him before I met my BF, and after my separation. We really click and we met through his wife, who is also a good friend. He's sort of like a brother.
I would be very uncomfortable if my BF had a female bestie. As NeverAgain said, it might be OK if they met before our R, but definitely not after. I would be very suspicious if he made a new best friend with a girl in the last year; and I can't see myself making a new male best friend either.

[This message edited by Ms_Strong at 8:24 PM, April 16th (Wednesday)]


Me: 40, happily divorced Dec11
D-Day #1 - 9th Jan 11, D-Day #2 - 13th Jan 11
Kids - 4, 8 yrs

Posts: 269 | Registered: Jan 2011
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband never had female friends, until his affairs. It's a big fat no for him now, obviously.

I had some male outer circle friends that I'd sometimes talk to online, out of respect for my husband, I don't talk to them anymore, my decision, he never asked me to stop this.

We have friends who are couples. I hang with the wives only if I'm alone. He hangs with the husbands if alone.

I feel uncomfortable if alone with males. Appearances and all that.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
million pieces
♀ Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a lot of male friends, but I am also very close or closer to their wives. Most were guys from high school times. We race/sail together and yes, they are like brothers to me. But while I sail (or used to) on a weekly basis and drink a couple of beers together, rarely is it alone with any one of them. I never thought much of it until these past 4 yrs and then when I started dating my SO and introducing him to them. I am very open and honest about them with my SO as he was a BH in his M.

Sooooo, that said. Would be very wary of NEW relationships, or anything done alone. Two examples from my end and how infidelity affected me and my relationships.

When shit was going down 4 years ago, my DD was in a church based preschool program and my family was very involved with the church. The pastor immediately noticed my zoombie like look and asked me what was up. Asked me at a particularly horrible time, and I just broke down. He pulled me into his office and I let it spill out. He regularly checked in on me, hooked me up with a MC, and then over the next couple of months, totally stepped over the line and ended up almost forcing himself on me. Bottom line is he was way wrong, but I had NO boundaries as I was not thinking in that point of time and I totally trusted a minister.

Fast forward to last year. Spent 10 hrs each way in a car with another father to my ds's Destination Imagination group. Only knew him in passing until that week. Spent a lot of time together. He and I really clicked. After the trip, he FB friended me so we (all the parents that went) could exchange pictures. I immediately friended his wife. He reached out to me in the first couple of months in very friendly ways, but I never really responded other than short answers back. I really don't think he though much about it, but I do because of what I've gone through. I don't know if he knows what happened in my M (I'm sure he suspects), I hope he doesn't think I've blown him off.

Infidelity changed my thoughts. Not sure I will ever make a new, close guy friend as I'm now engaged. I don't really want to, don't really need to, but it feels weird.


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 11
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1264 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

True story, if your BF/GF has a best friend of the opposite sex, one of them has already planned their wedding... and you're fucking it up. Expect drama. This is on my blog as 50 Life Lessons I Learned the Hard Way. I have NEVER encounter a situation where this has NOT been the case. NOT once. Even the best of boundaries... there will be jealousy and drama.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Naturally, my spouse is my # 1 bestie. That said, two of my closest friends are male. One is gay and the other is happily married. H is fine with it. One of H's best friends is a female. They've been BF's for over 20 years. I am fine with it.

Boundaries are key...

[This message edited by MissesJai at 12:25 PM, April 17th (Thursday)]


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5969 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
OutoftheDeep
♀ Member
Member # 42601
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

we were friends with the AP and OBS for 5+ years, and my H always said she was like a "pesky little sister. . ."

I think this is the new "we're just friends" schtick. Saying someone is like a brother or sister.

(I don't mean that towards anyone on here, but it's been my experience.)

This is OW's game exactly. Acting like she's just everybody's little sister, everybody has to take care of her, she's not a threat because she's like a sister.

I wonder how that game is gonna work in 10 yrs when she's pushing 40 instead of still being in her 20s


I have a good male friend I had before my M. We do not hang out alone, but once in a while we will have an hour long phone gab fest (he can seriously talk like a girl). The difference is, I know my boundaries and so does he. AND I don't hide anything I do or say. But he has another female friend whom he calls his "sister" and she refers to him as her "brother". I know this thing between he and his "sister" caused problems with his relationship with his last gf, whom I grew to be very good friends with. His gf would confide in me about how uncomfortable she was with it.


Me - maybe BW 40s
He - maybe WH 40s
My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first M had lta.
Current marriage:
2/'13 out all night with an ow
2/'13 busted at strip club
4/'14-? bad boundaries w/howorker

Posts: 377 | Registered: Feb 2014
OutoftheDeep
♀ Member
Member # 42601
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, I think the difference is "best" friend. Obviously, we are all going to probably want some casual friendly friendships with opposite sex people, casual and appropriate and in the open. But someone starts saying "best" that implies exclusivity. Now they aren't just any old friend, they are the most special one.

That was my exWH OW thing exactly. She even told me during our confrontation that I didn't understand he was her BEST FRIEND as she bawled to me over the phone about how they were best friends but not cheating. yeah, it's true.

So I've seen both of these things. The sister game and the best friend game.


Me - maybe BW 40s
He - maybe WH 40s
My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first M had lta.
Current marriage:
2/'13 out all night with an ow
2/'13 busted at strip club
4/'14-? bad boundaries w/howorker

Posts: 377 | Registered: Feb 2014
WestMonroe91
♂ Member
Member # 41999
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just don't think it works. There was a lack of boundaries by WW and her BIL. She always said that he was a better brother than her biological brother. Her brother is only a year older that her and they grew up together. When I first heard that I had an uneasy feeling in the gut. Turns out that they have been intimate over a long period of time when circumstances permitted.


BS-60 (me)
WS-49
DD-25, DS-21, DS-20

Posts: 62 | Registered: Jan 2014
TheBestMe
♀ Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I married my best friend. Light bulb moment: My H fucks his best friends of the opposite sex. Note to self: Discuss with H

True story, if your BF/GF has a best friend of the opposite sex, one of them has already planned their wedding... and you're fucking it up. Expect drama. This is on my blog as 50 Life Lessons I Learned the Hard Way. I have NEVER encounter a situation where this has NOT been the case. NOT once. Even the best of boundaries... there will be jealousy and drama

@Steadfast - You said it. I totally agree, someone has fantasies. I have had gay guy friends hit on me ( I was called on the carpet by HR).

On this site, there are so many AP's that were also "friends" of the betrayed.

I just want me and my H to get back to being each other's best friends.


ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 448 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
EasyDoesIt
♀ Member
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have mixed feelings about this. I have what would be considered a masculine job. I train dogs and I used to train dogs for protection. I'm a very outgoing and friendly person and make friends of both sexes very easily. I've had MANY male friends that were just that: FRIENDS. What's funny is that most of their wives and girlfriends are really comfortable around me because I don't give off vibes of being interested in their partners AT ALL. I think some are skeptical in the beginning. My first spousal unit had a couple of friends that were women and he went out to lunch with them regularly, maybe I was stupid for not worrying about it. #2 was convinced that every woman on the planet wanted to have sex with him.

My ability to have friendships with both sexes is what keeps me from dating, actually. I'm not going to have some jealous SOB tell me that I need to curb friendships with my male friends. I know that I'm not crossing any boundaries and I sure as hell wouldn't encourage someone, so no one is going to tell me what to do. Just tonight I stopped by the house of a friend and his wife and visited about two hours. His wife is fine with it, we spend a lot of time talking and her husband (my friend) wanders off to do whatever it is he does.

I think you should go with your gut.


Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3698 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't consider myself a jealous SOB, but I'm no longer comfortable in a relationship with a woman who has close male friends. I may be slow on the uptake but I stuck my hand in that fire enough times that I'm not comfortable standing anywhere near it anymore.

I can't really process the idea of a woman other than my wife being my best friend. It's like saying I'm married to a woman who isn't my wife. Incompatible points of data.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7469 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
circe
♀ Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWH/FBH and I have developed quite a history around the term "friends" when it comes to friends of the opposite sex.

My case, when I cheated. I considered OM my great friend and didn't have ANY attraction to him and he was more like a brother to me, check check check. And yet slooooowly over the years the boundaries changed, so slowly that I didn't see it happening. Boundaries need to be checked like a fence line. They can develop weak spots that you don't recognize because they happen so gradually. Mine did, his did.

My "good friend" became the OM I was involved in an EA with and I didn't even recognize it happening. I didn't know what an EA was, that there was any such thing, I didn't think you could cheat without sex or kissing or lust. I didn't have ANY of those things with OM. I just started to rely on his opinion, advice, moral support and comfort during times I should have turned to my husband. I stopped sharing certain things with my husband because I had already worked through them with OM, and I no longer needed to talk about them with my own spouse. This increased my intimacy with OM and proportionally decreased my intimacy with my husband.

Sure enough, once that emotional and personal intimacy increased with OM, it just took a series of major stressors in my life to blur that feeling I had that I could rely on OM into more of a "I need OM to help me work through this" because I hadn't invested enough time in sharing with my husband to make him the natural confidant. And OM wasn't a girl friend - there was a difference in how I related to him because he was SOMEONE's husband, and I was using that side of his personality as my "rock". It was different than how I used my girlfriends to bounce ideas and problems and gather advice. At some point I didn't even recognize I was relating to him primarily as a man. And this was all in the complete absence of sexual attraction. I didn't want to sleep with him. So even my lack of attraction for him didn't keep that friendship safe.

In my FWH's case, he used the "we're just friends, what are you telling me, I can't have any FRIENDS now? Are you saying that I can't even TALK to women? Do you see how controlling that is? What is wrong with you??" gaslighting bullcrap during his months-long affair with the OW. He was vile. I never want to hear him say "just friends" again as long as I live. He's got other female friends and it's not a big deal. If you have to start saying that you are "JUST friends" with anyone, it's creepy.

Best friends don't creep up over night at our age. They are people who have traveled life's path with you for a time. And because of our history, FWH is not going to be traveling life's path with a woman by his side (other than me) to the point of best-friendship out of the blue.

What's funny is that most of their wives and girlfriends are really comfortable around me because I don't give off vibes of being interested in their partners AT ALL.

I think this is a good metric. We have couple-friends and there is one "wife" that I wouldn't leave alone in a room with my husband. The others I wouldn't care at all if they were alone in a room, but one wife in particular puts out that vibe that is unmistakable to everyone else (men and women alike). She's never done anything that I know of, but I can see her poor boundaries and need coming off of her like a wave. I can practically smell it on her. I can see the other wives noticing as well.


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