Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: kelmac284 (44914)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Advise please *sorry so long*
anv5
♀ Member
Member # 39217
Question  Posted: 1:12 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am feeling very lost. I am not in IC anymore (only went maybe 4 times after dday) We really can't afford it right now.

I feel like I am nit-picking EVERYTHING in my brain but I don't mean to...How do I know what to bring up vs what to let go of?
H doesn't like talking about any of it (Like I do ) he does fairly well with triggers that he sees that I just can't stuff down & he is doing really well on soo many areas that were issues...but he still will not do other things that I would like & even that in some ways I feel like I am being unreasonable & in other ways I feel that he should do anything I request that is within reason.

Before anyone asks...MC is out, I have tried numerous times over the last eight years to talk to him about going. He has always been resistant (which pisses me off to no end because when we were dating he said "anything to save a marriage even MC" ) anyway right before dday I convinced him to come to my IC as an MC session & he hated it, hated her, hated her mathods (a little bit different but nothing super weird) he then left the house and drove...swears he didn't meet anyone (came home after 1:30am) but finally admitted to "probably" texts & or calls with women that night (right after the one MC ever). Since Dday when MC came up he said that there is no point because all he will do is play the game & say what he knows the MC & I want to hear.

I just don't know what to do anymore
If I bring things up he either "stands there & takes it like a bitch because he knows he deserves it" or he gets defensive. I never know how to bring things up that bother me & all I want to do is cry.
He says he is sorry a lot & he swears he will never do anything like any of this again. I want soo badly to believe him but I also thought he would never do it before.

[This message edited by anv5 at 4:30 PM, April 16th (Wednesday)]


BS(me)30
WH 29
1 Child
Married 11 yrs
D-Day: 4/9/13 he cheated in '08 & now + trickle truth & tons of lies 6/27 Found more, swears I really do have the whole truth now.
2/2/14 found out more...it seems the TT never ends.
Trying to R

Posts: 71 | Registered: May 2013
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like you can't really take his word for anything, and he's not doing any active work on himself.

What do you feel your options are right now? You certainly shouldn't be focusing on "letting go" when he is still "probably" leaning on OW for support when life gets too real.

(((anv5)))


I bow to those who keep their hearts open when it is most difficult, those who refuse to keep their armor on any longer than they have to, those who recognize the courage at the heart of vulnerability. - Jeff Brown

Posts: 17296 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
anv5
♀ Member
Member # 39217
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't feel I have options...I guess I could take my son & live with my parents but I don't want to do that again. I don't think OW is in the picture I just feel like I will never mean to him what she did & when he cheated in 2013 it wasn't with her it was a lot of craigslist stuff (long story) I really don't know what is true anymore because he lied sooo much. I only had one "real" Dday because he spent from '08-'13 lying about OW and "had planned to take it to his grave"

He says he is doing the work because he comes home now & spends time with us & is really actively involved with us...more than ever really. He is pretty transparent but at the same time when I look at his phone or in ternet history he says "I'm being good"

He 'finally' looked here a little bit when I found proof of tt early this year but then said he could see it more as a crutch...as far as I know never posted etc

There are things I asked that he won't do seemingly because it's inconvinient but that's what I thought before & found more lies so idk it all just sucks right now

I just want to be happy we have fun esp when my son is around but then I feel soo crappy when I have stuff weighing me down *like I do now* that I feel I can't bring up *sigh*


BS(me)30
WH 29
1 Child
Married 11 yrs
D-Day: 4/9/13 he cheated in '08 & now + trickle truth & tons of lies 6/27 Found more, swears I really do have the whole truth now.
2/2/14 found out more...it seems the TT never ends.
Trying to R

Posts: 71 | Registered: May 2013
GoodFaith
♂ Member
Member # 28249
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, anv5 I am so sorry you are back here!

I just read some of your past posts and this jumps out from this post:

He says he is sorry a lot & he swears he will never do anything like any of this again.

Really? Then what about this?

...but finally admitted to "probably" texts & or calls with women.

He's a LYING cake eater!

It's not over. He's never stopped. You feel like you are going crazy because you know this is true.

Lawyer up and get your ducks in a row. You have over 50 posts so you have access to the Investigative Tips section. Read it and start collecting evidence. I actually forget where it is so maybe someone else can point it out.

Get a VAR for his car and spy software for the computer and his phone. Knowledge is power. Remember this quote:

Liars lie until they can't lie anymore. And then they'll lie some more.

I totally understand that you want to believe him with every molecule in your body. But he has demonstrated over and over that you can only believe his actions.

So sorry you are here.


BH (me) 51
FWW (CSA)44
3 Kids 17-23
DDay1 - 01/08/08 finaly found proof but still denied all.
DD2 31/08/2009 admited 4 cheats - one total stranger
DD3 20/01/2010 admitted 3 more

Posts: 311 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Ontario
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he hated it, hated her, hated her methods

This is an excuse. Plain and simple. Fine then find another MC. He doesn't want to deal with his poor choices and selfish behavior. He wants to sweep it under the rug and pretend it never happened so he doesn't have to face the ugly truth about himself.

Quite simply, you can not trust him. You can't.

He has given you EVERY reason NOT to trust him. Not committing to true R.

True R is where he will do WHATEVER it is YOU need to begin to feel safe. That includes MC. Too bad if he doesn't like it. If he wants to stay with you he needs to deal with it just like every day you have to deal with the fact he chose to cheat. Chose to lie and continues to hide the truth.

"stands there & takes it like a bitch because he knows he deserves it"

Wow. Just wow. Really? That sounds so remorseful. NOT. OMG, can he be anymore self centered? Where is the comfort and care for you? This is still all about him.

He says he is sorry a lot & he swears he will never do anything like any of this again

Umm, hasn't he said this before? Only for you to find out there is more? At this point his word isn't worth anything. Deep down, I think you know that.

He 'finally' looked here a little bit when I found proof of tt early this year but then said he could see it more as a crutch...as far as I know never posted etc

He is delusional. If he needs a crutch, I say break his leg and get him the real thing. Again, this is narcissist behavior to a tee. You will never be as important to him as he is to himself. He will always be able to justify his behavior.

You and your son deserve a healthy, honest family environment. You deserve more than waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Your WH is no where near R.

I hope you can fight for you and your son. That is a relationship you can affect. Without your WH willing to do the heavy lifting, I am sorry to say that you marriage will continue to be in a state of "when not if"...

Good luck. We are rooting for you.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 3:55 PM, April 16th (Wednesday)]


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1137 | Registered: Apr 2013
anv5
♀ Member
Member # 39217
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1Faith, thank you for the support/rooting

stands there & takes it like a bitch because he knows he deserves it"
Wow. Just wow. Really? That sounds so remorseful. NOT. OMG, can he be anymore self centered? Where is the comfort and care for you? This is still all about him.

I tried to basically tell him that when he talks like that it is hard for me but because I throw his words back at him he feels he can't communicate with me....which I tried to tell him I don't feel I can talk to him either but obviously we are lacking communication skills here. *which I think MC could help with but he disagrees*


BS(me)30
WH 29
1 Child
Married 11 yrs
D-Day: 4/9/13 he cheated in '08 & now + trickle truth & tons of lies 6/27 Found more, swears I really do have the whole truth now.
2/2/14 found out more...it seems the TT never ends.
Trying to R

Posts: 71 | Registered: May 2013
Topic Posts: 6

Return to Forum: Reconciliation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.