he hated it, hated her, hated her methods
This is an excuse. Plain and simple. Fine then find another MC. He doesn't want to deal with his poor choices and selfish behavior. He wants to sweep it under the rug and pretend it never happened so he doesn't have to face the ugly truth about himself.
Quite simply, you can not trust him. You can't.
He has given you EVERY reason NOT to trust him. Not committing to true R.
True R is where he will do WHATEVER it is YOU need to begin to feel safe. That includes MC. Too bad if he doesn't like it. If he wants to stay with you he needs to deal with it just like every day you have to deal with the fact he chose to cheat. Chose to lie and continues to hide the truth.
"stands there & takes it like a bitch because he knows he deserves it"
Wow. Just wow. Really? That sounds so remorseful. NOT. OMG, can he be anymore self centered? Where is the comfort and care for you? This is still all about him.
He says he is sorry a lot & he swears he will never do anything like any of this again
Umm, hasn't he said this before? Only for you to find out there is more? At this point his word isn't worth anything. Deep down, I think you know that.
He 'finally' looked here a little bit when I found proof of tt early this year but then said he could see it more as a crutch...as far as I know never posted etc
He is delusional. If he needs a crutch, I say break his leg and get him the real thing. Again, this is narcissist behavior to a tee. You will never be as important to him as he is to himself. He will always be able to justify his behavior.
You and your son deserve a healthy, honest family environment. You deserve more than waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Your WH is no where near R.
I hope you can fight for you and your son. That is a relationship you can affect. Without your WH willing to do the heavy lifting, I am sorry to say that you marriage will continue to be in a state of "when not if"...
Good luck. We are rooting for you.