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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Picking an MC
brokenlove2012
♀ Member
Member # 36550
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What do you look for in an MC to get success. My WH cheated on me almost 2 years ago and a lot has happened since I found out. We have been to different MC's and can't seem to find one who works for us. The one we are seeing now told me at our last session that I need to stop talking so much about the A and he focused about 30 of the 60 minutes on my husbands military issues. So I left devastated that again we have not found the right MC. So anyone who has had success with their MC what did you look for and what did you get?


Me-BS
Him-WH
Dday-June 16, 2012
Married 17 years, together 23 years
2 Kids (15 & 17)

Posts: 89 | Registered: Aug 2012
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It helps to know what you want from MC. Tell that to prospective MCs and see how they respond.

It may be that what you really want is IC, BTW.

I'd want someone experienced in helping couples heal from infidelity and in helping couples R. Personally, I don't like homework, I don't like structure, and I do like confrontation. That meant I looked for an MC who didn't assign homework, didn't impose a lot of structure, and who confronts effectively, but not noisily or intensely - we get intense during the sessions, but the MC stays calm.

I guess I also like compassion and support, even it it's 'tough love' sometimes.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10423 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
JustOneMoreDay
♀ Member
Member # 42945
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awesome question and I eagerly await the responses because we need a new MC as well. Our current MC has moments where he is great but he has said a few things that have caused me to decide to look for someone new. He has suggested that we only talk about the A at MC(I am a month from Dday), that I should have some level of trust by now(he disagrees with checking cellphones etc), and at our last appointment, our third, he said we did not need to see him weekly anymore. Prior to that, before Dday2, we had the woman who only talked in a whisper, and the guy with the really small office who farted and clapped all the time.

Seriously...there isn't a lot of options in my city and I have to pay for MC. If there is a way to weed out the bad ones, enlighten me.


Me -BS 39
Him-WS 38
Dday #1 February 14, 2003 EA(not a typo. He did it AGAIN eleven years later)
Dday #2 March 17, 2014 LT PA
Dday #3 June 29, 2014(found evidence something had gone on with his sister's best friend)
Dying Inside and in limbo

Posts: 125 | Registered: Mar 2014
jjsr
♀ Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We wanted and found a MC who would hold both of our feet to the fire about our crap. I interviewed a few by phone first and asked them all the same questions. One specific question, as I wanted to gage how they felt about me asking the question. The question was had they even been a BS or a WS. The MC we picked said first off it was a personal question but when I explained why I wanted to know he answered honestly that in a previous marriage he was a WS and understood why I would ask. As a FWH he didn't let my FWH get away with anything and he didn't let me get away with anything. One of the first things he told FWH was that I get to ask ???'s and bring it up as long as I wanted to and he would have to deal with it if we were to R. He is a compassionate MC with me as he knew the pain that was caused to me. He didn't go into details about his own infidelity, as he shouldn't have but I gathered he was young when this happened which doesn't justify it in anyway but has now been married very successfully for well over 20 years. He did hold both of us accountable for our own issues and in 2 and a half years of MC we learned a lot. The ONLY reason we have stopped two weeks ago is because the Army is moving us so we had to end with him.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1649 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
Topic Posts: 4

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