Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: sad6 (45357)

General Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Poll: What was the best IC or MC advice you've received?
FixYou71
♀ Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thought it'd be interesting to hear from all of you what your best advice was as you navigated through A aftermath. If not from IC or MC, maybe from a book or seminar. Maybe it was even an epiphany you had. Thanks guys. I know you'll have some good stuff.

[This message edited by FixYou71 at 3:25 PM, April 16th (Wednesday)]


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 451 | Registered: Mar 2014
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deal with what is, not with what if.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3846 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
JustOneMoreDay
♀ Member
Member # 42945
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Run.

Seriously. I didn't listen and here I am eleven years later and a second Dday.


Me -BS 39
Him-WS 38
Dday #1 February 14, 2003 EA(not a typo. He did it AGAIN eleven years later)
Dday #2 March 17, 2014 LT PA
Dday #3 June 29, 2014(found evidence something had gone on with his sister's best friend)
Dying Inside and in limbo

Posts: 125 | Registered: Mar 2014
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

most profound AND funniest: You have to forgive yourself for staying with this asshole - said in front of hubby by MC.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5276 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
AlwaysTooNice
♀ Member
Member # 41701
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

STBXWH's actions towards me reflect only his character, not mine. I struggle with this daily.


Me: 25 SAHM Him: 27
DDay 1: Sept 2009 - rugswept
Married: Oct 2010
DDay 2: Nov 2013 - confronted 3 weeks later & separated
False R. Filed for D Mar 2014

Posts: 66 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SE USA
philly172
♀ Member
Member # 19024
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There were a lot but the one I remember ALL the time.. "They're (OW & WH) rolling around in the mid & getting dirty, you don't want to do that, stay clean"


"Sorry" works when a mistake is made, but not when trust is broken. So in life, make mistakes, but never break trust. Because forgiving is easy, but forgetting & trusting again is sometimes impossible

Posts: 4784 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Not in Philly.. it's just a screen name :-)
Teach8
♀ Member
Member # 36521
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That during the whole affair of 7 years I didn't have any choices, but I do now. I have choices in the direction my marriage takes, a choice in what I will accept or not accept, and a choice in how I will live my life from dday on.


Me: BW. Him: WH. Dday: 4/26/12. TT until 8/15/12 LTA 7 years. Trying to R

Posts: 509 | Registered: Aug 2012
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Self care.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4003 | Registered: Dec 2011
yme32313
♀ Member
Member # 42091
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Teach8 I want to talk to your IC/MC. Good advice there.


Me: 31
H: 55
Dated: Aug. 2003 M: Mar. 2013
Cheated: While dating

Posts: 181 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New Mexico
Teach8
♀ Member
Member # 36521
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yme32313...it was great advice. And when I first heard it, I wasn't ready for it. It didn't seem to help. I felt so out of control, but it really is true. The infidelity happened to me. I didn't choose it, but I had choices from then on. It took a little time for that to sink in for me.


Me: BW. Him: WH. Dday: 4/26/12. TT until 8/15/12 LTA 7 years. Trying to R

Posts: 509 | Registered: Aug 2012
Skye
Member
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because I didn't tell people and stayed, I had always felt like I was living a lie and being dishonest to the world. In my mind, that made me not much different than my husband, the cheater. Our MC explained to me that there is a difference between discretion and dishonesty. It took me a long time to see the difference, but I finally did and it helped me immensely.

Posts: 5629 | Registered: Jul 2002
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"You cannot make sense out of nonsense. Don't even try."


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Arnold01
♀ Member
Member # 39751
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am prone to catastrophic thinking since the A. Any little thing spirals out of control in my mind. So the best advice my IC has given me is "no catastrophic thinking" - if I start to head down that path, take it to therapy and work it out there.

Has haved me numerous times from sleepless nights and painful days.


D-Day: June 2013 discovered two-month EA/PA
NC established: August 2013
Reconciling

Posts: 121 | Registered: Jul 2013
Crosswordnut
♀ New Member
Member # 42842
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reconciling is like parallel parking - backing up then moving forward.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Mar 2014
Teabelly
♀ New Member
Member # 42497
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a real problem with my mouth spouting before my brain kicks in. And then I have a Doh! Moment of why did I say that? If only I hadn't! So the advice I was given from IC Was it's better to have no conversation than a BAD one. Also linked to patience here - my WH is not a quick thinker when it comes to speech whilst I am. Often he pauses in mid speech whilst he's thinking what to say next, and that's when I have previously jumped in, and steam rolled him. So the practical advice I was given was to wait for ten secs before I respond. Often, my head of steam has then subsided, or he will have continued talking. My IC also gave me a physical zip which I have on my keys. I hold it and think about it when I'm talking to WH. It has stopped me going off on a trigger rant on many an occasion. I love my zip! It truly calms me. How sad is that!!


Me BS - 43
Him WH (Coffeebelly) - 49
Married 19 years, together 20
3 kids, 15, 13, 8
DD 21st Jan 2014. 2 year EA/ PA with old flame from teen years
Still unsure of what's going to happen next, living as an expat in the Far East away from hom

Posts: 34 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: UK
million pieces
♀ Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our MC when we related the story (we went once)...Whenever I hear the word soulmate in a sentence, I know someone is trying to justify something really stupid.


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 12
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
HFSSC
♀ Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've told this before but it bears repeating. Our MC is an absolute genius.

JM and I were sitting in his office the day after I had discovered broken NC. And not just once. I was devastated, reeling. JM sat there with his head in his hands and said, "I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't want to lie anymore but I can't stop lying. I don't want to hurt my wife, but it's all I seem to do."

Our MC looked at him and said, "There is nothing wrong with you except being a selfish jerk who does exactly what he wants. You want to stop lying? TELL THE TRUTH. You want to stop hurting your wife? Stop hurting your wife!! Quit doing things that are guaranteed to cause her pain!!"

Then came the real kicker. JM has a very traumatic incident in his past that involved a pool stick. Our MC was very aware of what the pool stick signified. He looked JM dead in the eye and said, "I tell you what, next time you get an urge to pick up the phone and call or text OW, just pick up a baseball bat and beat the heck out of HF with it. I guarantee it will hurt her less. Better yet, make it a pool stick."

Holy crap, I thought JM would start bleeding. But that was the turning point for us.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2781 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HFSSC- love that story!!


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5276 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

'It is what it is.' (About my lingering feelings for ex)

'Feel the feelings'

'Of course you still feel love for him... You're human.'

What I struggle with the most is how my heart has not caught up to the actual situation,and beating myself up for 'still' being sad, hurt, grieving, etc. Having permission and validation that those emotions are normal and okay is the most important thing for me. I think in R it's important to have your feelings be validated too in this way! Healing is slow, the hurt lingers and the pressure to magically wash it away is unproductive.

[This message edited by norabird at 9:35 PM, April 16th (Wednesday)]


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
bluejay21
♂ New Member
Member # 43137
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you still love each other, even for faults that had happen, then it is worth trying and make it work no matter how long it takes.

Posts: 27 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: bluejay21
Topic Posts: 41
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3

Return to Forum: General Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.