Then she told us to go read The Five Love Languages. She referred to them as "currency" because we both have backgrounds in accounting/finance.

If our marriage makes it, we've threatened to go get currency symbol tattoos.

Sadly I didn't listen and ended up with another DD.

"I've found that the wife is always right" (trust your gut)

If you aren’t ready for what you want in a relationship, you shouldn’t be dating.

Express what you need. If it’s not met, express it again. If it still isn’t there, walk away.

Don’t be ruled by fear.

Don’t say you “can’t"; don't create self-fulfilling prophecies.

Self-worth is what has worth for your self. Regardless of circumstances, you are still the same person, with the same worth.

Your rational mind is a gift. Don’t be ruled by emotions, even ones as strong as love.

Relationships can be a partnership, not one person losing themselves and letting resentment build up.

Relationships are an art, not a science.

“Should” thoughts are internalized habits – be aware of the irrational ones. Just because it's a habit doesn't mean it's right.

Two people leaning on each other will fall down; a healthy relationship is two people who both stand up on their own and want to be together.

Examine your thoughts. Spit out what doesn’t taste good. This is a baby’s first instinct.

Dating to seek validation is bound to fail.

Why try to be something you can’t be? You are capable of joy; you are capable of pleasure; what more do you want?

ETA: It was too hard to pare down, that's way more than a few!

[This message edited by Amazonia at 10:28 AM, April 17th (Thursday)]

1. In response to my exhaustion from the roller coaster of emotions: "You won't always feel the way you do at this moment." Very comforting when I am in a dark place. Reminds me to appreciate the upswings and gratitude that I may feel.

2. To protect and nurture "little Veronique." To imagine myself as a child and to build her up, speak to her with kindness, care for her. This is a really good tool for me for practicing self-compassion. I find it is also a terrific exercise for me to imagine my H as a child when I'm searching for compassion for him.

Essentially, stop living like I have control over the choices my wife has made, and will make, and focus on what choices I can make for myself.

I received a lot of good advice for the process but I suppose the best ah-ha moment was when my gf told me to draw a line in the sand and say that when we were married/happy the man I married was alive and after he was dead. That way, I could still look at the pictures that I am/that I took in the years we were married and not want to throw up and toss them or feel a huge hole in my history. The man I said I do is dead. The man that looks like him but cheated on me with a girl 16 years younger than him and has 3 illegitimate kids with her is NOT anyone I know now.

"We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection."

Before Dday I was talking with my best friend about my suspicions. He said that he wasnt a good sounding board because he was teetering on the edge of a affair himself. It was an EA with his wifes sister. And he was wanting it to go to a PA.

I told him that if he really loved his wife. Or even if he cared for her a a human being in the slightest. That before he went to a PA with her sister. He should wait up one night until she goes to sleep. Then quietly go into their bedroom and put a bullet through the back of her head. I said that would be the kinder thing to do. And if he cared for her he would do that before screwing her sister.

That pretty much ended his EA and it never went any further.

After my Dday. I handed WW a bullet. I told her to keep it and use it to kill me before she ever thought of seeing OM again. I told her that would be the kinder thing to do.

Yeh. I can be a little blunt at times I guess.

Razor, it seems sad and stupid that they can't get the pain that their actions can cause without a really gory mental picture. I am certain that JM never truly understood the depth and intensity of the pain he was causing me until our MC used that imagery with him.

end T/J

My IC looked me in the eye and said that practically everyone maried says they'd leave a cheater immediately but very few actually do in her experience. She said that it is never that simple especially when there are children involved, and that the people who do divorce a WS immediately were 9 times out of 10 already deeply resenting their spouses and looking for an excuse to get out of a bad marriage. Even folks who go see a lawyer the next day at some point often reconsider or t least slow things down..

She said if I was weak I would not have told him of my intentions to divorce and kicked him out to the basement.

She told me the bravest thing to do was give myself some time to figure out what I really wanted and not care what anyone else thought. Let him stay in the basement while I decided.

She also told me not to confuse hope with weakness, as long as I was seeing legit reasons to hope.

Best session I ever had.

After my Dday. I handed WW a bullet. I told her to keep it and use it to kill me before she ever thought of seeing OM again. I told her that would be the kinder thing to do.

Yeh. I can be a little blunt at times I guess.

Dude!, that's just bad ass to the bone right there!

In just asking me that, in that way, it made me realize that the way now-ex treated me wasn't normal, or okay, that I was the one who had been allowing him to treat me like that, and thinking it was normal.

And just like that, it wasn't okay anymore.

My first IC told me something I share often:

Never fall in love with a man's potential. He is exactly who he will be when he shows up at your door.

Our dday MC told me:

People tell you who they are when you meet them. Listen and pay attention because bad behavior doesn't just appear out of nowhere.

(When we first started dating, the ex had told me he cheated in most of his relationships and had abandonment and intimacy issues).

You have choices to make and you have to be willing to live with those choices, despite the outcome.

It's up to you to decide how long will you allow her to disrespect you.

Something is broken in her, nothing you could have done would make her have an affair.

I don't think you should do marriage counseling, because she has not taking responsibility or dealt with why she had the affairs.

You don't need to meet her needs, because it is probably a need you could never meet.

You don't need to do anything to win her back, she needs to win you back!