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User Topic: Poll: What was the best IC or MC advice you've received?
♂ Member
Member # 25949
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Life is too short to live it unhappy

Me - BS
Her - WS
affair length - 6 months with MM
married since 7/92
d-day 4/2002
NC violated 4/02, 6/02, 8/02

Posts: 136 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Massachusetts
♀ Member
Member # 39703
Default  Posted: 5:34 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"It's a currency issue: you're throwing Pounds, and she's throwing Euros."

Then she told us to go read The Five Love Languages. She referred to them as "currency" because we both have backgrounds in accounting/finance.

If our marriage makes it, we've threatened to go get currency symbol tattoos.

Me: BS - 50; Him: WH - 51, vulnerable NPD
married 19 years, 3 kids
DD1 4/22/13 (hpv diagnosis)
DD2 5/9/13 (gaslighting begins)
DD3 6/30/13 (admits EA)
DD4 7/7/13 admits "trying to date other women" for 3 years

Posts: 175 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: DC
♀ Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Get out you need to look after yourself it is clear he isn't willing to do anything to protect you and your marriage.

Sadly I didn't listen and ended up with another DD.

"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1358 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
♀ Member
Member # 25624
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"you're trying to make sense from nonsense and you can't" I had to remind myself of this often

"I've found that the wife is always right" (trust your gut)

Your ex wanting to be friends is like asking a kidnapper to stay in touch when they let you go.

The type of fierce loyalty that I possess made me incapable of comprehending the level of disloyalty that he possessed

Posts: 1753 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Charlotte, NC
♀ New Member
Member # 42988
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pool stick post is sad but true. The wayward spouse is always thinking of themselves - they don't stop to consider how we feel as betrayed spouses.

Posts: 20 | Registered: Apr 2014
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"No one, and I mean no one, is special enough to change the spots on a narcissistic, personality disordered, alcoholic leopard. You got him at his best, when he tried to cover up and fly straight. She got him at his very worst and he won't get any better".

BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2839 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My last IC was so good, I kept a notebook of one liners I would write down afterwards. I will share a few.

If you arenít ready for what you want in a relationship, you shouldnít be dating.

Express what you need. If itís not met, express it again. If it still isnít there, walk away.

Donít be ruled by fear.

Donít say you ďcanít"; don't create self-fulfilling prophecies.

Self-worth is what has worth for your self. Regardless of circumstances, you are still the same person, with the same worth.

Your rational mind is a gift. Donít be ruled by emotions, even ones as strong as love.

Relationships can be a partnership, not one person losing themselves and letting resentment build up.

Relationships are an art, not a science.

ďShouldĒ thoughts are internalized habits Ė be aware of the irrational ones. Just because it's a habit doesn't mean it's right.

Two people leaning on each other will fall down; a healthy relationship is two people who both stand up on their own and want to be together.

Examine your thoughts. Spit out what doesnít taste good. This is a babyís first instinct.

Dating to seek validation is bound to fail.

Why try to be something you canít be? You are capable of joy; you are capable of pleasure; what more do you want?

ETA: It was too hard to pare down, that's way more than a few!

[This message edited by Amazonia at 10:28 AM, April 17th (Thursday)]

"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13797 | Registered: Jul 2011
♀ Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Two things have stood out so far:

1. In response to my exhaustion from the roller coaster of emotions: "You won't always feel the way you do at this moment." Very comforting when I am in a dark place. Reminds me to appreciate the upswings and gratitude that I may feel.

2. To protect and nurture "little Veronique." To imagine myself as a child and to build her up, speak to her with kindness, care for her. This is a really good tool for me for practicing self-compassion. I find it is also a terrific exercise for me to imagine my H as a child when I'm searching for compassion for him.

BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 542 | Registered: Jan 2014
♂ Member
Member # 43034
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My IC focused me on choices: I can only make choices for myself, and no one else. I cannot choose how my WW will react to my choices to protect myself from her behavior. I lived in fear (and still do, but not as much) of her reaction to a request for things like NC, get rid of photos/emails, find a new job, etc.

Essentially, stop living like I have control over the choices my wife has made, and will make, and focus on what choices I can make for myself.

Married 2.5 years (Dec 2011)
D-Day April 2013
EA (maybe more) with her boss, who she had had a PA with before meeting me
Trying to Reconcile

Posts: 77 | Registered: Apr 2014
♀ Member
Member # 42822
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nothing really of value from our MC. Giving her a shot by myself tomorrow. Best advice is here on SI.

BS me 49
WS 42
OW easy NSA he says he told he was single
9 mo A
DDay 1/3/14
TT 2 wks later
still waiting for the rest
Married 11 yrs
Together 20
In house S, Divorcing

Posts: 74 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Southeast US
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IC told me, when I was making excuses for ws and basically trying to protect him from his own bad choices. She told me, why are you so uncomfortable with him having to move in with
his parents or with him being lonely if he got an apartment? When was the last time he took you comfort and feelings into consideration. Why are his feelings more important than your own. The one that really got to me was asking what I would tell my DD if she were in a R like mine, would you tell her to love herself enough to walk away? Treat yourself like those you love.
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5130 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
♀ Member
Member # 42852
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a photographer and my favorite model was my exh. One of the most painful parts of divorce was getting rid/splitting up the pictures we had. My mind just couldn't wrap itself around the fact that I was unclear as to what to do about all the memories I had with him in my head and on print/disc form. Should I throw out 20 years of MY life just because HE was in it? There were TOO DAMN MANY pics to photoshop him out of!

I received a lot of good advice for the process but I suppose the best ah-ha moment was when my gf told me to draw a line in the sand and say that when we were married/happy the man I married was alive and after he was dead. That way, I could still look at the pictures that I am/that I took in the years we were married and not want to throw up and toss them or feel a huge hole in my history. The man I said I do is dead. The man that looks like him but cheated on me with a girl 16 years younger than him and has 3 illegitimate kids with her is NOT anyone I know now.

Me 47
ExH 43
Divorced 2010

47 is the new year of treating myself better than I have in 6 years.

What ever doesn't kill me makes me stronger so long as I remember that

My favorite drink is no longer Guinness but water. Call me Dasani23

Posts: 592 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Indiana
♀ Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for sharing guys!
For me, the most life changing wisdom came from Brene Brown on the subject of vulnerability. If you havent watched her TED talk I encourage you to.

"We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection."

BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 451 | Registered: Mar 2014
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry not a IC or MC story. I had bad luck with those. But the pool cue story reminded me.

Before Dday I was talking with my best friend about my suspicions. He said that he wasnt a good sounding board because he was teetering on the edge of a affair himself. It was an EA with his wifes sister. And he was wanting it to go to a PA.

I told him that if he really loved his wife. Or even if he cared for her a a human being in the slightest. That before he went to a PA with her sister. He should wait up one night until she goes to sleep. Then quietly go into their bedroom and put a bullet through the back of her head. I said that would be the kinder thing to do. And if he cared for her he would do that before screwing her sister.

That pretty much ended his EA and it never went any further.

After my Dday. I handed WW a bullet. I told her to keep it and use it to kill me before she ever thought of seeing OM again. I told her that would be the kinder thing to do.

Yeh. I can be a little blunt at times I guess.

Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche

Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
♀ Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Razor, it seems sad and stupid that they can't get the pain that their actions can cause without a really gory mental picture. I am certain that JM never truly understood the depth and intensity of the pain he was causing me until our MC used that imagery with him.

end T/J

Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2779 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
♀ Member
Member # 42662
Default  Posted: 12:40 AM, April 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was feeling down on myself that despite all that had happened, I had not kicked WS out of the house immediately on DD and started divorce proceedings the next day I felt weak and ashamed.

My IC looked me in the eye and said that practically everyone maried says they'd leave a cheater immediately but very few actually do in her experience. She said that it is never that simple especially when there are children involved, and that the people who do divorce a WS immediately were 9 times out of 10 already deeply resenting their spouses and looking for an excuse to get out of a bad marriage. Even folks who go see a lawyer the next day at some point often reconsider or t least slow things down..

She said if I was weak I would not have told him of my intentions to divorce and kicked him out to the basement.

She told me the bravest thing to do was give myself some time to figure out what I really wanted and not care what anyone else thought. Let him stay in the basement while I decided.

She also told me not to confuse hope with weakness, as long as I was seeing legit reasons to hope.

Best session I ever had.

Posts: 95 | Registered: Mar 2014
♂ Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, April 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After my Dday. I handed WW a bullet. I told her to keep it and use it to kill me before she ever thought of seeing OM again. I told her that would be the kinder thing to do.

Yeh. I can be a little blunt at times I guess.

Dude!, that's just bad ass to the bone right there!

"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 911 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
♀ Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, April 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The best advice from the IC wasn't advice, but a question she asked me. She asked "why do you think it's okay with you to be treated this way?"

In just asking me that, in that way, it made me realize that the way now-ex treated me wasn't normal, or okay, that I was the one who had been allowing him to treat me like that, and thinking it was normal.

And just like that, it wasn't okay anymore.

Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect

Posts: 12164 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
♀ Member
Member # 39362
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, April 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The advice that stuck with me is more for the beginning of relationships.

My first IC told me something I share often:

Never fall in love with a man's potential. He is exactly who he will be when he shows up at your door.

Our dday MC told me:

People tell you who they are when you meet them. Listen and pay attention because bad behavior doesn't just appear out of nowhere.

(When we first started dating, the ex had told me he cheated in most of his relationships and had abandonment and intimacy issues).

There is always a rainbow after every storm.

Posts: 411 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, April 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MY IC said some of the following:
You have choices to make and you have to be willing to live with those choices, despite the outcome.

It's up to you to decide how long will you allow her to disrespect you.

Something is broken in her, nothing you could have done would make her have an affair.

I don't think you should do marriage counseling, because she has not taking responsibility or dealt with why she had the affairs.

You don't need to meet her needs, because it is probably a need you could never meet.

You don't need to do anything to win her back, she needs to win you back!

I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
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