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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: When will it stop
Blindsided2014
♀ New Member
Member # 43117
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JUST GOT BACK FROM LONG WALK. FOUND WAY TO KEEP MIND SHUT- LOUD MUSIC BY HEADPHONES. CANT THINK. TIRED OF THINKING. BUT COULD NOT HELP IT SOME TIMES.. I AM A NURSE. IT IS MY JOB TO HEAL PEOPLE AND I REALIZED THAT IS WHAT I AM TRYING TO DO, HEAL THIS MARRIAGE. AND AS A NURSE I DON'T LIKE THINGS TO BE SLOW IT HAS TO BE FIXED NOW. BUT THIS IS MY LIFE NOT MY JOB. I DON'T HAVE TO FIX THIS HE DOES !!!!! I JUST HAVE TO BE OPEN TO IT??? I AM HAVING A HARD TIME BEING ALONE. THAT IS WHEN I FEEL THAT I CANT TRUST HIM, IS HE GETTING HOME LATE FROM WORK BECAUSE HE PULLED OVER SOMEWHERE TO TALK TO HER? HE'S DONE THAT BEFORE. I WONDER IF HE REALLY INTENDS ON THE NO CONTACT, HE HAS NOT TOLD HER YET, HE SAID HE WOULD BUT I HAVE NOT SEEN PROOF. HE DID NOT WANT TO RESPOND TO TEXT THIS AM. I KNOW HE HAS STUFF THERE, LIKE WHAT THOUGH? STUFF THAT CAN NOT BE REPLACED? I AM STUCK ON THIS SONG HE SENT ME A FEW WEEKS AGO AFTER I FOUND HIM HIDING IN GARAGE TALKING TO HER AND TEXING ANOTHER WOMAN. WAIT THAT IS ANOTHER BETRAYAL. HE RECEIVED A NAKED PIC THEN PROCEEDED TO CALL HER!! WOW I REALLY AM STUPID AREN'T I??!! BUT THE SONG IS CALLED START AGAIN, I DON'T KNOW WHY I KEEP LISTENING TO IT HE SENT IT TO ME, SAID HE WAS SORRY THEN DID IT AGAIN. THIS IS SO MUCH HARDER THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE. I KNEW HE HAD CHEATED ON ME BUT HAVING CONFIRMATION HURTS SO DAMN BAD AND TO KNOW THAT HE ACTUALLY PLANNED IT 3 TIMES !! I HAVE READ ALOT OF POSTS THAT SAY MOST LIKELY HE WONT KEEP NO CONTACT THE FIRST FEW TIMES. I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS AGAIN. I REALLY DONT KNOW WHAT IS WORSE, BEING WITH HIM NOW OR WITHOUT??? WITHOUT. AT LEAST I AM NOT A BASKET CASE. JUST AN INSECURE WEEPY LITTLE PERSON WHICH IS NOT ME AT ALL!! I AM NOT INSECURE, OR NEVER WAS, NEVER THE JEALOUS TYPE. ALWAYS TOLD HIM THAT IF HE WAS NOT HAPPY TO JUST GO, DON'T CHEAT. HE'D NEVER CHEAT BECAUSE HE WAS ONCE THE BETRAYED SPOUSE AND KNOWS HOW MUCH THIS HURTS. I REALLY DO FEEL LIKE THE ANALOGY OF A ROLLER COASTER RIDE THAT I WAS THROWN ON NOT ON BY CHOICE.


Me- 44 Him- 44
Married 9/2002
D Day= 12/2013 suspected 4/12/14 confirmed when I found text. DDay #2 5/21/2014
No kids together
The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.
YEAH Well THAT BIT ME IN THE ASS

Posts: 18 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Orlando FL
kansas1968
♀ Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can feel your pain in your post. I will not lie to you. It is a long road and both of you have a lot of work ahead of you. He is still in the fog. That means that he is still attached to her. The only way to end that is a 180. You will get information on that in the healing libary. This is normal, you are not at fault, and you will get through this. None of us are weak people. We are just people that have had the worst thing in the world happen to us. Infidelity. It rips our heart out, and makes us feel like we are not worthy of love. Do not believe it. You are worth much more than what he is doing to you. Keep posting and read the healing library. You are not crazy and your reactions are normal. Hugs and stay with us. K


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
brkn_heartd
♀ Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a fellow nurse...you cannot heal him...you cannot fix him. I also tried to do that. By our nature we are nurturers...it doesn't work in this situation. I know you are hurting, right now, take care of yourself.

You said he sent you the music of "Starting Over" yet has not sent a no contact, is not fully disclosing to you, he still has stuff on his phone. He is not starting over. He is still trying to have the best of both worlds.

In all honesty, it wasn't till I was ready to step to the plate and lose it all, that he started making his changes. I will tell you as you decide with or without....it is agony either way. It takes time to heal. I think what helps to make the decision, is he giving EVERYTHING he can give to help you heal. Is he trying to move heaven and earth to keep you? If the answer is no....do you want the agony of staying while he doesn't help you heal? Or would you do better with the agony of being alone, healing and developing a new fresh you and life without his pain?

Take care of yourself!


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1566 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
sad12008
♀ Member
Member # 18179
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In all honesty, it wasn't till I was ready to step to the plate and lose it all, that he started making his changes.

^^^Agree. On DDay, my then-W H wouldn't give up his passwords. I told him to get the f*ck out, and he left in the middle of the night to go back to the place he was working during the week (hours from home).

It's when you realize that being the good spouse, the one that waits for the wanderer to do the right thing, the one who believes the word "sorry" but doesn't demand the actions that SHOW "sorry"....when you realize that none of that works and develop a scorched-earth policy...THAT'S when it stops.

What's the worst thing that can happen if you set out conditions for trying to reconcile the marriage after HIS cheating? He'll CHEAT?? ('Cause frankly, short of killing me, cheating was about the worst thing he could've done.) Set your boundaries out clearly and directly, and stick to them. I believe being willing to leave the relationship gives a BS the backbone to fight for his/her right to be respected and to have the marital bond respected.

Reconciliation is really hard work with a fully remorseful spouse. It benefits you to know from the outset whether it's worth your time to even try.


"Everybody's life is hard. You look at life, and it's not a cakewalk. You've got to be able to bounce back." --Neil Young, father to two children with CP, another with epilepsy, and otherwise experientially qualified to comment

Posts: 3861 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: a new start together
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry. ((((Blindsided))))

Remember that you are not by nature an 'insecure weepy little person', and try to find the strength within you. Build it up, and trust it. You can handle this. Know that you can't control whether he is able to go NC and honor your M and your needs, but you can control what you will tolerate. You do have power still. You just need to find it again.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4086 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Being that you are very emotional due to his betrayal, it might be best that you have some time apart. Its only been 5 days since you confirmed his infidelity and the fact that he lied to you about it for over a year. I strongly suggest you have some alone time to figure out you next move. This is one big shit sandwich that the WS forces down our throats. And its not easy to swallow let alone have to deal with the constant doubts that linger. As a health care professional you know better then the rest that you need to take care of yourself. Perhaps some time off from work will help as well. I personally took a month off from work and went on short term disability due to the stress and depression that resulted from D-day. I feel you need to absorb what has happened and make an informed decision when your not feeling so emotionally drained. You owe him nothing and not one person would blame you for wanting out. Infidelity is a deal breaker for many BS and there is nothing wrong with that. Its also been my experience that way too many BS jump into R too soon. We tend to make decisions that are not sound due to the emotional state we are in. Please take time for yourself and figure out what it is that you want. I wish you much peace.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5607 | Registered: Nov 2007
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SAID HE WAS SORRY THEN DID IT AGAIN.

He's not sorry that he DID it.

He's sorry that you CAUGHT him doing it.

There's no remorse from him at all - just regret that he was stupid enough not to cover his tracks better and now he has to deal with the fallout.

I WONDER IF HE REALLY INTENDS ON THE NO CONTACT, HE HAS NOT TOLD HER YET, HE SAID HE WOULD BUT I HAVE NOT SEEN PROOF.

This is precisely what I mean. He has absolutely ZERO compassion for what he's done to you. Zero remorse. Zero guilt. Instead of showing a genuine desire to want to fix the mess he's created, he's instead playing games with you and STILL being secretive about his dealings with the OW and claiming he hasn't cut ties with her yet. That speaks volumes. This means that your wishes and your pain are NOT a priority to him at all after the shitstorm he's rained down on you and your marriage.

It's STILL all about him.

You can pretty much count on the fact that he's still in contact with her. And I'd also be willing to bet that if he does provide 'proof' to you that he's cut contact with her, it will probably be an email he sent her and asked her to play along with. I hate to say it, but Someone with zero remorse for his rotten behavior really doesn't give a crap about anyone else but HIMSELF.

Blindsided, you seriously need to stand up for yourself. Stop sitting around waiting for HIM to make decisions about where your marriage is headed or what your future holds. That's YOUR decision to make, not his. So stop handing him all the damned power. Look, you can't control his behavior and he's showing you LOUD AND CLEAR where his loyalties lie - and right now, they're clearly with himself.

The worst part is that if you continue to take a passive role, nothing is EVER going to change.

Command the respect you deserve and start making decisions that will benefit YOU and not him.

Be strong - we're rooting for you!


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1710 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
momentintime
♀ Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As long as he isn't putting his all into R, and you wait, he has no incentive to change. NO INCENTIVE, do you get that? You are suffering, but he isn't. He is still doing things destructive to you, and he doesn't mind doing that.

Once you accept that, you can find your backbone, you can set boundaries, you can start moving forward BECAUSE you are making decisions for you. He can join you or stay where he is, but you need to move. Your current situation is killing you inside. The only thing you can control is you and how you respond. Make a change for the better FOR YOU.


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2941 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
Topic Posts: 8

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