We've been on a bit of a roller coaster lately. Reality has set in, and the repercussions of my A have begun to surface. AP was a close friend of BSO for a very long time and though they haven't been close in many years, their roots run deep. They were part of a foursome of guys that at one point hung out nearly every day. Over the years they have all taken different paths and gone their separate ways, but very recently BSO and his BFF have reconnected and AP comes up quite a bit. He thinks BFF may be hanging out/will hang out with AP in the near future and wants to be prepared for whatever AP may have to say.
Tonight BSO asked me to honestly tell him what I said about him to AP. It's been so long since I spoke or texted AP that I honestly don't remember. At the time, I remember being angry and hurt. At the time, I felt that BSO really didn't care about me or the struggles I was having at that time. I was so messed up and detached from reality at that point that I have very little recollection of much during that time. I have no concept of time or space during that time. I was on the wrong medication, which was making me manic, my repressed PTSD was just starting to resurface with a vengeance, I was in a constant state of either panic, manic, or anger. I was drinking a LOT, in an attempt to self medicate, popping whatever pill I could swallow or snort. Anything to detach and escape the real world. A total mess.
I do remember a lot of talk of anxiety, mental illness and medications. Two toxic people feeding into each others pain under the guise of "helping" each other. I can't even believe I thought I was helping myself "heal" at that point. I have known AP longer than BSO, and before they knew one another. He knew some of what I went through before I met BSO. We would talk about those times, and the times we all hung out after I met BSO.
We only communicated by text, and of course being the deceitful person I was back then, I'd delete them as soon as I'd send them. (Minus the few that BSO found after I passed out drunk a bunch of times) I have been wracking my brain, and from what I do remember, we spent very little time talking about him at all. In fact, I remember AP saying mainly positive things about him. I told BSO that I would think about it really hard and try to remember what I said, but other than venting about certain things, and just telling him I was angry at BSO, I don't think much was said aside from being angry except maybe that he was yelling at me and that we we5arguing. We were fighting a TON back then.
I guess I'm afraid if I tell BSO the truth, he won't believe me. That he'll be expecting the worst. I tt'd for so long before our final dday in late August 2012, that I know what I say really holds no water, still. I "spared his feelings" for so many months, all the while I never stopped talking to AP and was carrying on conversations with yet another AP. I was so desperately seeking validation that I honestly believed that he needed to be "spared" the truth of who I was.
The PA part of my A happened in April and May of '12, so I know this month is really hard for him. I'm just at a loss for what to do. I feel like I need to give him a complete list instead of just bits and pieces. I want to remember specifics, I really do! It's frustrating me to no end that I can't! After he asked, he just left to go work in the studio. He's a musician, and when he's working on a song, I know not to disturb his inspiration. It's so rare he finds it lately. So instead, I'm just sitting here worrying, and thinking and trying to remember.
It's killing me to go back there in my mind. I hate to dig up thoughts and memories of AP, and to go back to the insanity in my head at that time it makes me feel guilty, like I'm breaking NC for the first time 20 months. It's making me feel sick. I'll never sleep tonight.
It was such terrifying and confusing time. So many crazy emotions and thoughts. So much paranoia and anxiety. I was such an ass! I've never hated myself more. I've never hated him or anyone more than I did then. I just wanted to dissappear. I attempted suicide a few times. Pills, but each time I would just throw them up. Not because I wanted to, but because my body rejected that many pills at one time. I once swallowed almost an entire bottle of Tylenol pm, only to have them come back up a few minutes later. I truly believed that was the only way out of facing the pain and confusion of that time. I'd think to myself, I couldn't even do THAT right. Needless to say, memory is pretty skewed. I get all panicky just thinking about all of this. I can't even begin to imagine how he must feel.
So what do I do? Bits and pieces, or as complete of a list as I can manage to drag out of my brain. I hope he will be able to believe me either way. This sucks. How do I go about this? I'm so overwhelmed right now.