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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Desire to Rebound
knockeddown
♂ Member
Member # 43090
Default  Posted: 5:02 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like I am dealing with many of my emotions effectively, but the one thing I am struggling with is loneliness. I want to have an intimate connection with someone right now so desperately and it is clouding my vision of what I know is best for me. I have feelings for a coworker with whom I have shared in the past that I could see myself with her if things were different (I said this to her while I was married). We have flirted and I know that she wants to be with me, but she also knows about my situation. I know that right now I would make any relationship toxic with my emotional needs. I know it's best to resist the temptation of proceeding with initiating a relationship, AND it is the hardest thing ever. Never in my entire life have I lived alone. When I moved from home to college, my wife and I hit it off immediately and I always stayed in her dorm. I have spent maybe a total of 20 days alone in the past 9 years since I have been with my wife. I feel like I am avoiding being alone at all costs. I have friends coming over every night of the week or I have some kind of something planned so I don't have to be alone and by myself.


Me- BS 27 Always faithful
Her- WS 28
2 mo.? PA
Married 5 years (lived together 9)
2-year-old daughter
DDay-3/15/2014
Marriage Dissolved - 10/9/2014

Posts: 105 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 5:18 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Obviously, as you have stated yourself, you are not ready for another relationship. Putting aside your current situation you need to find out why you cannot tolerate being alone.

It would be good for you to develop a comfortable relationship with yourself and not rely on other people as crutches. I urge you to seek out counseling and get to the origin of this problem; why you need to be with people so much and the reluctance to be alone.

You will never have a better friend than yourself. Its not self-love to treasure moments alone and to trust your own decisions above all. Learn these concepts, or you will never develop enough personal strength to weather the garbage that life will throw at you.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Gemstone
♀ Member
Member # 42000
Default  Posted: 5:27 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So while you were with your wife, you were flirting with another woman and having inappropriate conversations with her (you say you told her you would be with her if things were different) you had/have feelings for her.

This is behaviour that starts many of the affairs on this site. Sorry but it sounds like your wife just beat you to it.

And i wouldn't say she was a good bet for a new relationship as she obviously has no moral boundaries either


Posts: 97 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United Kindgdon
selfrespect911
♀ Member
Member # 42746
Default  Posted: 6:11 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand your desire. We know it's stupid and would destroy ourselves only further by doing so. The loneliness is overwhelming. For me, my WH got scared and instead of talking to me about it, he decided he'd just take the easy way out and 'move on' to someone else - which as we all know is NOT healthy. They both ended up destroying each other and everyone around them - AP had just left her H and was rebounding, but AP and WH want to believe it was 'true love'... Right.

So I'm left here, alone. Stuck in a marriage. Trying to heal from what he's done to me, with no sympathy or remorse from him and all I can think is how amazing I was at loving him. I was a great wife. He says it wasn't me and we all know that's very true, I did nothing. The problems come from him. But that doesn't change the fact that for 3 months before I found out I was left in the cold, with no attention, affection, remorse, or love, while he was off having a fantasy relationship with his AP, and having none of my needs met in the slightest. And for 2 more months he was still nurturing his fantasy with her while I suffered his abuse. How selfish. How unfair. I'm the one who deserves real, subsisting love and now I'm the one alone heartbroken and certain I'll never love again, at least not for a very long time, despite wanting love. I was never given a chance.

I know it's just attention I want. I want WH's love back, but that's not happening. My love was wasted for 5 months, my whole heart went into him and I got NOTHING back. I'm stuck in a marriage with a pathetic H and I have no freedom to find the love I deserve.

Obviously I need to focus on myself now. The feeling of emptiness and abandonment will lessen with time. Doesn't change how angry and depressed I feel at having my chance at love manipulated, used, abused, and stolen.

First, learn how to be alone with your loneliness. Figure out how to embrace yourself without surrounding yourself with friends. Not always - companionship is important right now. But take steps towards being OK with being alone.

Second, I suggest reading about co-dependency. Learning how to nurture yourself without needing someone will be the most important step before you find love again.

Third, find a counsellor. It helps.

[This message edited by selfrespect911 at 6:11 AM, April 17th (Thursday)]


BS 26
WH 32
Nov-?? A with his Ex

EA DDay: 31 Jan, I moved to in-laws
PA DDAY: 23 Feb
DDay 3: 13 May. Back in A.

9 Mar: I moved back. A went underground.
9 Apr: He moved into parents.
14 Apr: Me NC with WH.


Posts: 148 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: UK
12yearsloyal
♀ Member
Member # 43064
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My only suggestion is getting involved with a co-worker is not a good idea. You are mixing livelihood with something that could make this area of your life a complete mess. My WS currently works with his ho. Now our family livelihood is at risk because he has to find new employment to save his marriage. Never a good idea to get involved with someone at the work place.

Remember the old saying: Don't get your meat where you get your bread.


Him: WS, Selfish, mental, mid-life crisis LTA EA PA
Me: BS American, Blonde, thin, attractive (and none of that mattered)
OW: Caribbean whore (RuPaul is better looking)
What will it profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his soul?

Posts: 161 | Registered: Apr 2014
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a very, very natural instinct; you want a boost to your self-esteem, some validation, some distraction. All quite normal. However--normal does not equal healthy. It certainly is not fair to the co-worker, it is not wise for your healing, and it is time to learn how to become comfortable with being alone. Relying on friends as support is great, as is keeping busy, but you have to eventually grow your capacity to simply be with yourself.

Perhaps you're avoiding it because you fear your feelings overwhelming you and breaking free. It's hard sometimes to actually feel all of the pain and hurt and betrayal from this situation, but sometimes, it should be let out and acknowledged, not just stuffed down and ignored. Allow yourself a safe space and time to just sit with your feelings, and with yourself, and you will realize that it's not so scary, and that you can do it.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
annb
♀ Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have feelings for a coworker with whom I have shared in the past that I could see myself with her if things were different (I said this to her while I was married). We have flirted and I know that she wants to be with me, but she also knows about my situation

^^^This, sir, is an EA.

Step away from this person, it is only going to lead to more heartache and destruction.


Posts: 7590 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs

Posts: 6644 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
knockeddown
♂ Member
Member # 43090
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, yea, I never thought of it as an EA. On one hand, I could act defensive and say that it was benign. On the other hand, I did fantasize about being with the other woman. However, I never took it any further and I told her that I love my wife and I want to be with my wife.


Me- BS 27 Always faithful
Her- WS 28
2 mo.? PA
Married 5 years (lived together 9)
2-year-old daughter
DDay-3/15/2014
Marriage Dissolved - 10/9/2014

Posts: 105 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
Daddo
♂ Member
Member # 4504
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I avoided relationships for a long time after my marriage. Frankly, it was a mistake. Go forth and live. You may get hurt - but you may recover faster. No-one knows what the future will bring. But if you find someone you honestly like and think you may be able to build something with, go for it.


It's just so sad
But I'm moving on feeling better

Posts: 2505 | Registered: May 2004 | From: Cupertino, CA
Daddo
♂ Member
Member # 4504
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let me amend my response. . . don't mix business with pleasure, don't enter a relationship with someone you know ahead of time won't or shouldn't work out. If you have kids, keep your life with them completely separate from your dating life and finally, don't be a OM.

Other than that, go forth and live.


It's just so sad
But I'm moving on feeling better

Posts: 2505 | Registered: May 2004 | From: Cupertino, CA
justinpaintoday
♂ Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don;t confuse being alone and lonliness. Lonliness is when you don;t feel comfortable enough in your own skin to be by yourself.

Alone means you are solo but that's ok. Maybe not desireable long term but being with just yourself is not a dreaded feeling.

Be careful not to use a person to fill an unhealthy hole. You will only risk hurting yourself more.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
jagged
♂ Member
Member # 32317
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, April 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What you're feeling - a desire for intimacy - is a natural thing at this point, but the opportunity to take this time to learn a few things about yourself is something you shouldn't overlook.

And I'll join the 2X4 crowd here and say there's some work to do:

On one hand, I could act defensive and say that it was benign.

You could act defensive, sure - but it was FAR from benign. Bluntly, this is an example of shitty boundaries, and a disrespect for your spouse and relationship - even a troubled relationship.

Fantasies of another woman? So you're human. Where humans get into trouble is not putting boundaries on those thoughts...not "keeping it real", as they say.

Friend, please recognize that "If things were different..." is not sharing a pensive moment with someone - it's a deliberate way to signal your romantic interest in them without appearing to cross a line, to plant a seed and see what might grow...there's no other reason to say it. It's a waters-tester that has launched a hundred thousand affairs, right up there with "she/he doesn't listen to me like you do"...


[This message edited by jagged at 9:52 AM, April 18th (Friday)]


One foot in and one foot back
But it don't pay to live like that
So I cut the ties and I jumped the tracks
For never to return

Posts: 333 | Registered: May 2011 | From: TX
Gemstone
♀ Member
Member # 42000
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, April 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jagged
So glad someone else sees the comments the same as I do. I was beginning to think it was only me

Posts: 97 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United Kindgdon
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, April 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope. Telling OW you would be with her if you weren't married...all kinds of wrong.

You say you know she wants to be with you...so clearly lots n lots of boundaries have been crossed.

Im sorry you're hurting. But this woman? Why would you want to be with someone who has made it clear that she has no problem being with a married man? You already have one woman in your life that didn't honor marriage and fidelity...don't invite another one in.

I see you are separated. If you are heading for a D, then get some IC and get yourself in a good place...then...and after the D...then date.

But this woman? No. She's a wayward. She's flirted with you and been obvious in her desire for you. While you were married.

No. No. No.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7678 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Topic Posts: 15

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