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User Topic: Shameless request for strength
FindMyselfAgain
♀ Member
Member # 36969
Helpless  Posted: 3:07 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Haven't posted in a while. I thought that I was doing the right thing by taking a break from SI. if I'm being honest, it probably was the right thing at the time. But now...I NEED strength and encouragement from people who understand. Here is the best place to find that.

WH is struggling with working on figuring himself out. He has made many real changes. I believe he loves me. I believe he wants to make things better. And he does look at himself...to a degree.

We've been doing the same dance for so long: he will start digging and opening up to me and then, BAM! He has to face some part of him that for whatever reason he just can't (or won't) and he reverts back to the old pattern of conflict avoidance and passive aggressive behavior that has been his go to since long before I even met him. And then, I am the one that is left alone to deal with everything while he goes and sulks.

Every time it gets harder to pull myself back up.I cannot do this anymore. It hurts too much.

I need to let go. I need to give up on him. As long as he can rely on my ffaith in him, he will never find faith in himself. He CAN do the work. But he lacks faith in himself.

So, now, I have to do the very thing I swore I would never do. I HAVE TO give up on him, so that I can save myself. It's hard. It hurts. It feels so wrong, even though I know it's right.

There is so much more I could say, but right now, I am just too worn out and run down. I'm frustrated. And so very, very sad...


DDay: October 7, 2011
R finally started in earnest: April 2014

Posts: 176 | Registered: Sep 2012
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I HAVE TO give up on him, so that I can save myself. It's hard. It hurts. It feels so wrong, even though I know it's right.
You aren't giving up on him. you are allowign him to choose to save himself and by default your M or you get to see exactly where you stand with him. You focusing on you. Your WH has to do the work himself and sometimes they need the right motiviation to get past the hump. That motivation may be watching you figuratively or literally walk out the door. No more heavy lifting for you in the M. It takes 2 people to R. Both have to be pulling in teh same direction and with everythign they have. If he can't pull 100% of the time then your life like a boat with only 1 person pulling is just spinning in circles. Put the weight of R completely on him. Tell him what he must do then focus completely on you with a 180. If you choose to modify it somewhat that's fine but I would suggest the full 180 after you tell him what you need. Start living your life again. You can do this. If he wants to stay M then he will do what's necessary, if not then you will be on your way to being okay. Sending you strength! Keep posting it helps.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 3:27 PM, April 17th (Thursday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official any day now, off to check the mail again.

Posts: 1895 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((FindMyself)))) Sending you strength, honey.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24998 | Registered: Aug 2011
HurtsButImOK
♀ Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strength to you to choose the path that is best for you.


Me: Awesome - 35

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –


Posts: 722 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
meplusfour
♀ Member
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending you grace, dignity and strength. Please take care of yourself.


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 357 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry that you are tapped out. Do not be ashamed. We all have a limit, and it is wise to know when it has been reached.

With time, with effort, I know you will grow stronger. I know you are still strong now, in fact, because it always, always takes strength to see the truth, especially when it is a truth that rips your heart out.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4083 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Every time it gets harder to pull myself back up.I cannot do this anymore. It hurts too much.

So let us help you. Don't go away for so long and use this place. Keep posting. So many here know how you feel and can empathize with you.

There is so much more I could say, but right now, I am just too worn out and run down. I'm frustrated. And so very, very sad...

I hear you. It's ok to feel this worn out. For now. This will get better. Sending you strength and courage.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1938 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((FMA)))))


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6154 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
LeftOutintheCold
♀ Member
Member # 42856
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((muchstrength)))


Me - 42
WH - 40
Dday - 3/6/14
Married 5yrs, together over 10
Status - still separated

Posts: 328 | Registered: Mar 2014
BreatheAgain10
♀ Member
Member # 32657
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are NOT alone FMA! I don't know your whole current situation but I too feel lately like giving up sometimes. It's usually temporary as somehow I find the strength to pull thru again, but I definitely understand the terribly worn out feeling. I'm feeling like that today as a matter of fact.
Have you told your WH how you're feeling about giving up now?
I've hinted to my fWH but haven't had the guts to have a full on discussion about it. Nervous it'll spark an argument I can't mentally/emotionally handle right now.

I'm sending you ((HUGS))


By God's blessing we've survived, but the scars are still tender to the touch.
BW: Me 34yrs FWH: 29yrs
Latest D-Day 04/29/2010
Together: 12yrs Married: 10yrs
DS:16yrs DS:9yrs. DS:Due 6/25/14
Main D-Day that hurts is #4 4/29/10
OW=Yuck!

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Sunny So. Cal.
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you're done, be done. If you have no more to give him, then take for yourself. If he grows fat with your attention while you starve, shift your focus. Hardest lesson that I have ever had to learn is that you cannot help save someone who doesn't want, from the depths of their soul, to be saved. There comes a time when you must say good-bye, and save yourself.

Don't stay away so long. We're all here for you. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4715 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
FindMyselfAgain
♀ Member
Member # 36969
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, April 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all. For the support and wise counsel. I hate that I am such a mess. And I really AM a mess. My entire life has been a succession of trauma. I have survived truly horrendous circumstances throughout my life. Yet, dealing with the fallout of WH's actions is by far the most difficult to recover from. I have never felt so beaten down, and quite frankly this bewilders me.

I have never known what "safe" feels like. I have never been"safe". Abuse, mistreatment and neglect have been a constant factor in my life. I thought, I was absolutely sure, that I had found"safety" with WH. Obviously, I was mistaken. Perhaps it is simply the illusion of "safety" that has made me cling to him for so long. I don't know. I am lost...I am searching for...what?

Brutal honesty: my relationship with WH was toxic long before he ever cheated. I knew this. I stayed anyway. I always saw his humanity, though he was anything but humane. I just couldn't give up on him, that would be giving up the only "safety" I had ever known. Clearly, that is very twisted thinking.

To all of you that say to post more: you are absolutely right. I SHOULD. Do you know why I have stepped away from SI each time I would start posting? Well, because it bothered him, of course. Because there was too much negativity, because it made me negative...so he would tell me.

I have made great strides in taking care of myself. I actually have made a few friends. I have a very dear friend who has come to my rescue more than once. She listens and she does not judge. She lifts me up and makes me look at the good in me.

I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore...my thoughts are many and constantly battling for my immediate attention. My mind is in overdrive nearly all the time.

I don't think I'm ready to leave. No, I know I am not ready to leave. I was once. But now? I am barely functioning most days.

But I am ready to let go of his hand and stop trying to lead him into the unknown places in himself. I am stepping back, and he can walk his path alone. This is hard for me, because I have done so myself. I have looked into those dark parts of me, the shadows of my former self where the phantoms of my sordid past lie. I fought like hell to not be a version of myself that I didn't like. I strove to become someone that I can be proud of. And I did it alone. Let me tell you, it was brutal! I swore I would support him as he did the same, because no one should have to go through the pain of fixing yourself alone. And it IS painful to really work on fixing the broken parts of yourself.

After saying all that, I am unsure of whether I have said anything of any significance. I remain unsure of a lot it seems.

Anyway, thank you again for the compassion that I always receive from all of you...when I am brave enough to post.


DDay: October 7, 2011
R finally started in earnest: April 2014

Posts: 176 | Registered: Sep 2012
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, April 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To all of you that say to post more: you are absolutely right. I SHOULD. Do you know why I have stepped away from SI each time I would start posting? Well, because it bothered him, of course. Because there was too much negativity, because it made me negative...so he would tell me.

I have made great strides in taking care of myself. I actually have made a few friends. I have a very dear friend who has come to my rescue more than once. She listens and she does not judge. She lifts me up and makes me look at the good in me.

WH is "bothered" because these are positives for you. Good for you. Keep building yourself up. Keep getting stronger. Keep posting.

After saying all that, I am unsure of whether I have said anything of any significance. I remain unsure of a lot it seems.

You have said a lot of significance and more importantly, I can hear you a little bit stronger in the way that you write.

How are you feeling today? What's going on in the world of FMA? Did you remember to eat, drink, and most importantly breathe?

Keep posting. We are here for you.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1938 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, April 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Indeed, that is a LOT of significance you've just shared!

It's okay to not be ready to leave. But are you getting IC to help you build your strength? You seem to be making great strides in seeing why you are staying and who your WH really is, as well as in making a separate life for yourself. I hope you realize that to do those things, you can't be a mess! It takes clarity, self-knowledge, integrity to be able to view your situation as it really is, and to know that it is not healthy for you. Be proud of yourself that you have those attributes, and don't consider yourself a mess, honey. I see a wonderful woman with a bright future ahead of her in you.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4083 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
FindMyselfAgain
♀ Member
Member # 36969
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, April 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rest assured, I AM taking good care of myself. Eating, drinking lots of water, resting, all that good stuff. And I am actually quite happy with who I am as an individual; as in my character, my behavior and my general beliefs. My main area of contention truly is my relationship with WH...or, I think more accurately, his relationship with himself and how that causes distress and dissatisfaction in OUR relationship...make sense?

Also, while not actually IN IC currently, I am in touch regularly with a former trauma counselor. (for an earlier diagnosis of PTSD, and surprise! Infidelity just made things that much more fun.)

As for me doing things for me...oh yeah, I have been more "selfish" lately than I have ever been in my life. And actually, WH and I have actually been working together to get our lives moving in the direction we had always talked about, but he always had excuses for not moving forward with...

My biggest concern really, truly is WH not working on himself, not being the man that I am still so sure he is capable of being. I am working on me, I will always be working on me. Is it really so much to ask him, after all that he has put us through, to do the same for himself?

Taking a break from some MAJOR talking right now, and will update more either tonight or tomorrow. But for now I'm going to post an email I sent to earlier mentioned dear friend this morning.

Last night we had a few other couples over for dinner. I actually had a very pleasant evening because while they were there, I got to focus on just being me and hanging out with new friends. (This is referenced in the email, kind of; and an example of how I am growing and putting me first, I guess...I invited these couples over and had last night planned for about a week. That's pretty new for me...progress.)

Email (edited for privacy):
We ended up talking a bit last night. After everyone left, I needed space from him and told him so. But when DD went to bed (at like 10 o'clock) he couldn't keep his mouth shut. Lol

He is beating himself up. Horribly. Nonstop. The things he was saying about himself...OMG...the man's self-esteem is less than nothing. He stays about as overwhelmed as I do, but won't reach out to me because he doesn't feel he deserves my help or my compassion for his struggles.

He is so stuck in a "I'm such a worthless piece of shit" (his words) mentality. All the changes that I tell him I am thankful for? He cringes at the acknowledgement. He was (before and during the A) the embodiment of everything he hated. He took on every trait that he had found deplorable in the people in his past, and became himself a "monster". And now he feels like he can never be a man of real worth, because he knows he is a monster.

He actually has figured out quite a bit about himself. Much more than I gave him credit for. BUT, and this is big...he doesn't realize yet that he's figured things out.

When I ask questions, it's not that he doesn't have the answers. It's more that he doesn't believe that he does. Because, they seem too simple to him; he thinks that he will get it wrong, so he doesn't even open up and try.

He said a lot last night, but HE doesn't realize yet the magnitude of what he has said. He assumed that I think of him the same way he thinks of himself.

I actually read him my post on SI. He was stunned. He assumed that I would be painting him as this horrible monster, and discovered that I actually DO see him as a man who is struggling.

This morning, HE is the mess. I am doing fine. We'll still be talking later. I am giving him some space...he's in a bit of a zombie state. Maybe something will click for him.

AND he asked about SI. As in, do I really think it would help? And would I be okay with him being there.

Then he asked about you. LOL He said, "**** will know it's me because you tell her everything." I assured him you would respond (or not) the same as you do to everyone else. I also told him he should probably expect a few 2x4's. I warned him. :)

END OF EMAIL

BTW, said friend is actually a wayward here. And agrees that SI would do HIM a world of good. (Just saying, cause, well, they know how awesome this place can be too!)

Thank you again for your responses. It feels very nice to be reassured occasionally that I am not as crazy as I tend to feel.

[This message edited by FindMyselfAgain at 3:14 PM, April 18th (Friday)]


DDay: October 7, 2011
R finally started in earnest: April 2014

Posts: 176 | Registered: Sep 2012
Topic Posts: 15

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