I usually only visit this site when I'm feeling down and I want to read some stories from other people that are going through what I'm going through. Overall, this site has been a great resource for me -- a much better place to visit than any other. It is even better than talking to my one friend who knows about my situation or to a counselor. Sometimes it is even better than talking to my own wife. So...thank you all for that. You are an amazing community and you have had a huge impact on my life as well as countless others, I'm sure.
I'm feeling positive and happy today, and wanted to give back to the community that has helped me so much instead of just visiting when I'm down. So here are some of the things I've learned:
When it comes to R: fake it 'til you make it.
Everyone goes through kind of a "crazy" period in the first few months after DDay where they do things that are counter-productive. We all regret some of the things we did during that time. If your relationship survives that phase, then your next step is to figure out whether you want to reconcile or not. This is a tough decision because you'll have mixed emotions about your WS. Can you ever regain your love and trust for them? Let me answer that for you: YES! IF they are worth it. IF you loved them and trusted them before. IF at their core they are a good person that you respect and love. IF they are willing to earn you back and change their ways. If those things are true, then give yourself some time to make a decision (probably about 6-12 months). In the meantime, I believe that it is important for you to act as if you are working toward R. In other words, fake it 'till you make it.
One of the things I struggled with for a long time was whether I truly wanted to stay with my wife. I did my best to "fake it 'till I made it". I would always tell her that we were going to get through this and I would always stay positive; but inside I still didn't even know if I wanted to be with her. She made plenty of mistakes in the first few months, but then she finally started to "get it" and she worked hard after that to earn my forgiveness. I still haven't fully forgiven her yet, but I could see her working so hard to change everything about herself just to be with me. When our relationship reached a healthy enough point, she made amends via an apology letter and by setting up a special weekend away for the two of us. This was really the turning point for our relationship. I knew that I wanted to be with her after that. I had made the decision with certainty. Once I did that, the devil on my shoulder telling me to leave her disappeared. I made it over the hump. Since then, we have made constant, steady progress and I haven't looked back.
Accept the consequences of your decision.
If you do decide to reconcile, you must accept the consequences of that decision. Your WS did not force you to reconcile. You made the choice to get through this with them and to bear the hardships that come with it. By making this decision, you gave up the right to take vengeance. You gave up the right to tell all of their friends and family about their misdeeds. You cannot take any action that will damage your chances of reconciling with your partner. If you want to take those actions, then you are not in reconciliation. Make your decision and own it.
Maintain your integrity no matter what.
Facing the infidelity of your SO is a test of character like none other. You have to stand up for yourself, set expectations for your WS, and stick to them. You have to forgive both your WS and the OM/W whether or not you decide to reconcile. Perhaps most importantly, you have to resist the urge to take vengeance or punish. Don't stoop to their level. Don't "revenge cheat" or find ways to hurt your WS or the OM/W. Do not change who you are just to punish someone else. When it's all over, you will be proud of yourself for staying true to your principles and handling the situation with integrity regardless of whether you chose to reconcile or not.
EDIT: There seems to be some controversy about the part that says you "HAVE" to forgive your WS and the OM/W. This does not mean you let them off the hook. It does not mean that what they did is OK. It means that you are ready to move on and let it live in the past. It means that you will no longer give their behavior power over you or your relationship (or future relationships). Yes...you HAVE to do this. It is for your own health. You can't reach true R or peace without it.
Love is just another emotion.
Some people may disagree with me on this one, but one of the most important lessons I've learned on my journey is that love is just another emotion. It is not some supernatural occurrence. You are not destined to be with one person your entire life. You cannot just love someone forever without maintaining it. Love fluctuates. People fall in and out of love all the time. Lovers betray each other all the time. If you want to keep your love for each other strong, then you have to work on it constantly. If you stop maintaining your relationship then it will fall apart. Think about it -- if your SO began ignoring you or consistently being a jerk to you, you would start considering other options, would you not? So don't make the mistake of thinking that love is going to shield you from betrayal. In many ways it does the opposite.
Make a list of things you need to accept.
This was some advice that I got from these forums and it has helped me tremendously. Throughout reconciliation and possibly for the rest of your life, you will have times when you are down. Sometimes you'll feel like you aren't making progress or that you're even moving backwards. It can be very discouraging. But there's good news! You can actually measure your progress and see that even when it FEELS like you aren't moving forward, you can VISUALLY SEE that you ARE moving forward and that you've come a long way since the day you first found out and you were a broken mess. All you have to do is make a list. Make a list of the things you need to accept before you can move on with your life. Revisit the list periodically and check off (don't remove) the things that you no longer struggle with. Sometimes you'll have to add new things to your list. Sometimes you'll even have to uncheck some things that you thought you were past but it turns out you aren't. That's OK. The point of the list is to see that you are actually checking things off and moving forward. It is sort of a progress bar for your reconciliation.
Allow yourself time to process everything.
Make no mistake: this will be with you for the rest of your life. The hard part will pass, but even that will take months and possibly years. When I first found out about my wife's infidelity, I thought I was a forgiving and strong person. I thought I would be over this by Christmas (I found out in September). What a ridiculous thought that was! I was in complete denial. I still have regular down days seven months later. You HAVE to give yourself time to process what happened and to grieve. Don't underestimate the gravity of the situation. Just look at other posters in these forums. Many of them have been struggling with it for several years. It is important to have appropriate expectations for getting past this or you will be pressured to get over it before you are ready.
Use this as an opportunity to fix the problems in your relationship.
Your WS cheated on you. Though the infidelity itself is completely the fault of your partner, it is important to realize that there may have been some serious problems with your relationship leading up to it. For my wife and I, it was communication. We were both conflict avoiders. We never aired our issues with each other, and it turns out that's even worse than fighting all the time. She had some problems that she did not discuss with me, she resented me for not reading her mind, and the rest is history. This was not my fault, but it is something that we can both be more aware of in the future. Spend time talking to your partner about your relationship. Read some marriage books together. Use the opportunity to grow!
It does get better.
It has been seven months for me and I still think about my wife's infidelity several times a day, but the pain is dulled. I am mostly a happy person at this point. I do have my down days, but only once every couple of weeks or so. They are getting farther apart. I realize that I will always have a "weak spot" when it comes to cheating. Any time I hear a song, see a movie, hear people talking about it, or even if I hear his name or see someone who sort of looks like him, it hurts a little bit inside. It is something I have to live with. But overall I love my wife very much and she has earned me back. I am happy to be with her. I have regained my motivation and ambition. I look forward to life, which is a stark contrast from 6 months ago. When you hear people say to "keep your chin up, it will get better" -- it isn't bull. It really does get better. There are plenty of people on these forums that are a testament to that.
Thanks for reading and good luck on your journey.
[This message edited by DisappointedDude at 11:18 PM, December 26th (Friday)]