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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: To quote Abbondad- the shit is about to get real
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, April 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm breathing in and out.

Yesterday I met with DD's counselor for the first time since her most recent suicide attempt/hospitalization. We were talking about how things have been going in the house with WH, his poor behavior during her hospitalization and so on.

Suddenly she says,"I'm not comfortable with WH having unsupervised visitation with DD.".

Oh fuck. That's exactly what went through my mind.

I was having the same thoughts, but thought I was just being the bitchy BS. Apparently not.

This is going to be so bad. I can't figure out what the safest scenario is for telling him. I don't feel safe doing it on my own. Even if we do it with the counselors or attorneys I still have to go home with him.

I had to miss my counseling appt this week because of the kids' appts, so haven't been able to talk with my IC about it yet.

I know my DD will be ok with it, she just wants him out of the house. IC says she doesn't feel like DD is safe with anyone but me at this point.

I don't know what to do. I've dropped my L a FYI email. I'm wondering if we can just put in something like "visitation with DD per the recommendations of her mental health professional." ...or something. I SO don't want to have to do custody eval and all that shit. It will just drag everything out. We are trying not to go to court.

Please tell me it's going to be ok.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1820 | Registered: Aug 2013
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, April 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG.

I will not succumb to a panic attack right now.

I will not.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1820 | Registered: Aug 2013
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, April 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((nekorb & DD)))) It's going to be ok, honey.

I really hope your L is able to craft this in a way that it isn't a huge fight, but you should be prepared to do the parental evaluation - or anything else it may take - to make sure your DD's best interests are represented and acted upon.

Sending you strength.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24789 | Registered: Aug 2011
tesla
♀ Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, April 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's going to be okay.
I know it doesn't seem like it now.
But it will be.

So...deep breath...

Tell L to do whatever needs to be done. I know you want to stay out of court. But fuck that. You know your DD and her needs trump staying out of court. Unfortunately, sometimes the path to the best outcome for the innocents takes us upstream through shit creek. I've got a set of chest high waders you can use.

And for goodness' sake, you do not need to tell WH this. The mental health professionals can handle that...you take their recommendation to the L and tell them you want this recommendation to be followed in custody and visitation arrangements.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4608 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, April 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((nekorb)))

Posts: 11582 | Registered: Mar 2008
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, April 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hugs)))

It will be ok.

You do not have to tell him anything right now. Until he is actually out of the house then there is not need to discuss visitation with him. If he tries to bring it up, then brush him off and say that you need to focus on day-to-day until DD is out of danger.

When the time comes, ask the counselor to tell him. He will be more receptive to a professional than you. He may balk at it and disagree completely, but it will be mush less dramatic if it comes from a counselor.

How old is you DD? If she is over 14 you can ask that the court document specifies that she can decide if she wants visitation or not. And then you protect her from his manipulations. You ARE the Mama Bear! NO ONE is allowed to hurt your cub, not even the father.

You are living a special kind of hell right now between your manipulative stbx, in house S, and your DD's mental health. Hang on. You have been so strong and you need to continue to be strong. It will get better once stbx is out of the house and DD is on the road to recovery. Until then, pull strength from anywhere you can and know that we are always here for you.

(((more hugs)))


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17605 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
DepressedDaddy
♂ Member
Member # 41521
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, April 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sending you good positive vibes!

Be there for your DD. Stay strong! Don't give up and don't let your WS have the pleasure of getting to you. You deserve so much more.

The counselor can testify with recommendations, or draft a letter to the court with those recommendations. Use the counselor to help get what you need.


“Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so.” ― Noam Chomsky

Posts: 682 | Registered: Dec 2013
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, April 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When the time comes, ask the counselor to tell him. He will be more receptive to a professional than you. He may balk at it and disagree completely, but it will be mush less dramatic if it comes from a counselor.

Plus you will have third party professional documentation if he goes ape shit on you/them.


Don’t get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well. 

Posts: 2625 | Registered: Jan 2010
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, April 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you!

It's just all overwhelming sometimes....then the uncertainty...trying to balance giving DD some space and privacy yet keeping her safe,etc, etc.

I'm so tired of being afraid of his reactions. I shouldn't have to have anxiety because he sent me a text messages ran email. It just continually feels like I'm being attacked. Then, he comes home after work and acts completely normal, like nothing has happened and he didn't act like an ass all day long via text.

I don't get it.

I will see what the L says and go from there.

Thanks for the support. It really does help. I've just had kind of a crap day with lots of triggers!


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1820 | Registered: Aug 2013
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, April 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It just continually feels like I'm being attacked.

Because you are. This is a form of emotional abuse.
Don't text him back when he starts doing this. Try to be as NC as possible. It's not always going to be possible, given DD's situation, but apply it when you can. It will help give peace of mind not having to walk on eggshells.
(((nekorb)))


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2210 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, April 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When it comes to your DD, channel this creature:

When it comes to all other reasons to communicate, channel this:


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9477 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 12:33 AM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're so funny NG. I needed that.

I just got finished doing a thorough check of DD's browsing history on her laptop. I see some additional issues that are going to have to be addressed and they are going to need addressing in the decree as well.

I've sent WH an email outlining what I found.

Must sleep...


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1820 | Registered: Aug 2013
crazynot
♀ Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 1:34 AM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nekorb, you have all the reasons you have ever needed to get this man away from you and your kids, especially DD. At this point, it's essential that you show them that you can all rebuild a family life... away from him. Your DD 'just wants him out of the house' and a professional caring for her wants no unsupervised visits?

You have said you can't make him leave. That has always sounded strange to me... because after all he's openly in another relationship so surely he must be desperate to go?

If you REALLY can't, then please please consider finding a place (even a tiny, temporary one) and moving you and your kids out of there until the divorce is settled. You can't possibly give DD the safe environment she needs to heal (and you too) while he's coming and going from your life in a cloud of OW perfume. And WHY not just try not emailing or texting him at all?

As others have said, you really need to put your 'Mama Bear' head on here. Forget all the 'missing him' stuff... this is an emergency.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 853 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And WHY not just try not emailing or texting him at all?

I only email about kid stuff, scheduling, financials, or D. No chit chat, no socializing or friendly stuff etc. Unfortunately, with three kids and the issues we are having with DD, a lot of communication is necessary. Plus we are still negotiating the D settlement.

I have been helping him pack (so that it will get done) and have to say I've been pretty proud of myself for keeping convo related to who gets what, etc.

Yeah- it's completely bizarre that I can't force him out of here isn't it? I've asked my L, DD's doctors, and no one has been able to help. WH hasn't DONE anything to DD (physical abuse etc - thankfully!), so there is nothing I can do. His L has told him to stay put, of course.

I just want it to be finished and know that I can take care of my kids and be available for DD.

I'm going to make it. I am. God has seen fit to put before me every situation I never thought I'd survive. He clearly has faith in me. I'm surviving!!


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1820 | Registered: Aug 2013
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm surviving!!
Absolutely! You are so strong, nekorb. It may not feel like it to you, but you are tenacious and resilient. It shows through in your every post, even when you aren't feeling strong. You've got this.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24789 | Registered: Aug 2011
k8la
♀ Member
Member # 38408
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you may want to only communicate with the therapist/counselor at this point any additional issues to do with your daughter. The less he learns from you the better, IMHO.

Posts: 132 | Registered: Feb 2013
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Therapists will say a lot to your face that they will never commit to a legal deposition.

Unless the counselor is ready to put in a legally usable document, a few grains of salt may be in order here.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Merlin -

Can you please expand on what a "grain of salt" would be in this situation? I'm just not following/getting what it is you mean.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1820 | Registered: Aug 2013
crisp
♂ Member
Member # 34236
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What he means is that experts are very careful when it comes to written reports and oral testimony. Their professional stature is on the line and they will be hesitant to "go out on a limb." I believe he meant that the therapist sounded tougher to you than he/she might write down on paper or testify to.

[This message edited by crisp at 12:38 PM, April 19th (Saturday)]


Endeavor to persevere. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=csEzTwKemwY

Posts: 370 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NE US
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crisp nailed it and better than I could.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Topic Posts: 36
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