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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: To quote Abbondad- the shit is about to get real
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From what I have heard, therapists are loathe to go to court to be torn up by "opposing counsel".

Posts: 1243 | Registered: Aug 2010
Merlin
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Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crisp nailed it and better than I could.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
nekorb
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Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the clarification. She already told me she wouldn't go to court because it's damaging to the therapeutic relationship, but that she is willing to write a letter.

Has anyone had a guardian ad litem appointed while doing a dissolution vs divorce? Is there some other option for accountability?


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
Merlin
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Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guardian ad litem may or may not helps. 'Family court' is supposed to do everything in the interest of children.

But that is a joke. It's comes down to money (sad & funny because lawyers and judges are innumerate).

Our children's interests were all but ignored in our divorce despite court-ordered psych evaluations of them and us and a mountain of stuff that said clearly that my now ex-w was not right.

A guardian is supposed to help. But like all the other actors in 'the system' they are creatures of the court.

Non compos mentis.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you can avoid involving paid court professionals, so much the better. You would be astounded & horrified at the way paid court professionals utterly ignore facts, expressed wishes of older children, therapeutic opinions from licensed counseling professionals, and everything else that's convincing. Not to say they all do, because they don't. Only that you should NOT assume a GAL will see things the way you & the rest of the world does.

Start with the letter from the therapist. Include letters from the doctors at the hospital. See if that is enough.

You are very, very close to crossing a threshold and entering the nightmare realm. Please tread carefully. I am not the only parent here who has had to defend herself from accusations of parental alienation.

http://www.thelizlibrary.org/liz/1.html
http://www.thelizlibrary.org/site-index/site-index-frame.html

https://abatteredmother.wordpress.com/2011/04/14/mothers-under-siege-tactics-of-the-fathers-rights-movement-how-can-a-good-enough-mother-protect-herself/

http://www.momlogic.com/2010/01/custody_crisis_why_mothers_are_punished_in_family_court.php



Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9536 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Catastrophizing still NG?

No one has said a word about child abuse or battered mothers here.

A therapist has expressed concern about a child spending time with her father, reason unspecified. Do you know something else?


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Catastrophizing still NG?

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Do you mean am I seeing elements of potential danger in what is happening to Nekorb and her daughter and am sharing with her links and experience that might give her helpful information? Is that what you mean? Do you mean I'm bringing up uncomfortable ideas and topics that are not often mentioned or discussed but might be relevant to Nekorb's situation? Do you mean the fact that my words of support to Nekorb reflect my disgust & anger at her husband and how he is treating her & her daughter? Do you mean my words of support to Nekorb that reflect my divorce experience and the divorce experiences of women I actually know & have talked to in real life might be because I see elements of we have gone through represented in the tale Nekorb is sharing? And that is catastrophizing? Somehow something I share is somehow so much worse-case scenario than what other people share?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9536 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

.

[This message edited by Merlin at 7:37 PM, April 19th (Saturday)]


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, catastrophizing.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
GreatRoleModel
♀ Member
Member # 36809
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Merlin
I know we don't have the father's version here, but nekorb's child's therapist does and for them to give the advice/warning to nekorb I think is valid to work from. That being said, I think NG is giving solid advice especially with the first step of submitting current therapist and hospital notes and recommendations before taking a very long and winding road that NG has personal experience with and should not be dismissed and ridiculed.

You and NG are both entitled to give your opinion and relate your experiences. The same "Catastrophizing" could be said for your post also but no one has.

Just my take.

[This message edited by GreatRoleModel at 6:19 PM, April 19th, 2014 (Saturday)]


BS (me)
XWS (him) NPD
DIVORCED!!!
It takes a village to deal with the village idiot!

Posts: 315 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: NC
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone -

Thanks for ALL of the insight and opinions. You never know what tidbit is going to stick in your mind or ring a bell in a specific moment.

My goal is to stay out of court. I know that's WH's goal as well. I'm hoping the therapist will present this in such a way that he will just agree to comply with the safety plan and to allow DD to visit or not visit as she is comfortable.

But in the end, her safety is my priority. I know that no matter what he feels or doesn't feel for me, that *somewhere* in there is a father who loves his children deeply. I'm hoping that guy steps forward and does what is right for his daughter instead of what is right for himself.

Thanks again everyone!


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
crazynot
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Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 12:33 AM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nekorb, from my own experience here... your children are old enough - and DD is 17, no (?) to not need a court to order anything. The therapist's advice is really for YOU to take note of... I'm going to be gentle here, but I think your focus needs to be on providing a stress-free (and that means WH-free) home for your kids. I'm still hearing someone who hopes to persuade her WH into behaving better. And meanwhile the real issue here - that there's a girl who needs to have a calm home environment without her dad around - can't be solved until he leaves. I'll say something else, too... I found this hard as hell but I'm at peace with it now... once you're divorced and he doesn't live with you, THEIR relationship with him may improve. It will take time, yes, but that is generally what happens. It's just that in future their relationship with him - and you - won't involve the other parent. The only thing you need to fix here is something that you really can fix... providing DD with the peace and space she needs to heal.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 860 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes! My plan is definitely to have a calm, centered, safe place for my kids.

I agree that once he moves out their relationships will improve. Although DS seems to be fairing pretty well in that department already. But the girls - they need some time and space away from him.

I know I can't alter WH's behavior. If that was possible we would have been in true R a long time ago and OW would be a distant memory!

I just want to get the agreement negotiated with as little upheaval as possible, get it done quickly, and stay out of court (that "quickly" item comes into play here!).

Every now and them WH gets on a rant and say we are going to have to go to court to settle xyz. I remind him neither of us wants to do that.

Part of the problem, is that my WH is naive about what division of assets looks like/entails. The other part of the problem is that it doesn't seem his attorney has figured that out yet, so hasn't explained things to him. So he constantly thinks I'm trying to screw him. I'm not. Just one more thing that would be so much easier to navigate if he wasn't living in the house. We could have our moments of anger over the negotiations in private!

:::sigh:::

It's all so exhausting.

[This message edited by nekorb at 7:12 AM, April 20th (Sunday)]


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, catastrophizing.
Given what is happening with the 17 year old child's suicide attempts, I think there is a catastrophe currently occurring.

I see/fear what Nature_Girl sees, too. I worry and pray for Nekorb's child.

once you're divorced and he doesn't live with you, THEIR relationship with him may improve. It will take time, yes, but that is generally what happens.
It doesn't always happen. Sometimes things get worse. I'm hoping that good things happen in Nekorb's family.

Posts: 1243 | Registered: Aug 2010
jackie89
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Member # 38271
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

once you're divorced and he doesn't live with you, THEIR relationship with him may improve. It will take time, yes, but that is generally what happens.

^^^^ I agree with Crazynot's statement here. My DS was 16 when shit hit the fan, and he wanted nothing to do with his father. I used to tell DS, this has nothing to do with you and dad still loves you the same, and you need to respect him still.

I told my IC this, and she told me off. She said, "you are not honoring DS's feelings right now, if he wants to be mad at him and not talk to him, that is what DS needs to heal, but you stay out of it completely" I did from that point on. Their relationship only improved once he moved out, little by little.

Yes, listen to the therapists and your DD. The only thing you can do is provide that safe peaceful place for your DD, I just hope that your STBXH will really listen to the therapist and move out ASAP, I mean it could be 2-3 months before he settles on his condo!!!


Separated/divorcing

"The Secret of Change is to focus all your energy - not on fighting the old, but on building the new" ~~Lori Greiner FB post~~


Posts: 468 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
crazynot
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Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's exactly what my therapist told me. My daughter was absolutely devastated by WH's infidelity (and especially as OW was someone who had befriended her specially), and my son outraged. When he left, they both said they'd never speak to him again. I found this almost too much to bear, and blamed myself, talked to therapist about it who wisely told me not to belittle this for them and to let them work it out between THEM. That did, eventually happen. Now they visit him on their own and have a good time (they still won't be in the presence of OW, and he honours that). In this situation there are no winners, but the one who lost most in our family was WH.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 860 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 36
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