I hung out with my 2 best friends last night...and their wives. I love them to death, don't get me wrong. I also genuinely like their wives, no issue there. It's just that for so long, instead of 5, it was 6. There's an obvious hole in all of our lives. Add to this, one of those friends is about to move ~900 miles away due to work. It just seems everywhere I turn, I lose someone else.
There were mutual friends, her very large family, all those people I thought would be there forever, or at very least not gone so soon. Weekend were rarely without something to do or someone to see. Now it just seems I am so very alone. I know, I should get out there and make new friends, meet new people. Right now, even if I could muster the energy, I can't trust many relationships to actually last. It's just opening myself up to new people who can then just walk away at the drop of a hat. It makes me really wonder if something is wrong with me that I can build relationships that I feel are true and lasting, yet the other party obviously doesn't see it the same way.
Sorry for the vent and pity party. Just feeling pretty low right now.
[This message edited by MadeOfScars at 2:31 PM, April 19th (Saturday)]
I try and look at long distance friends as an opportunity to explore a new place. Yes it hurts they are further afield but create a whole new experience when you are ready.
"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou
"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –
I find myself hiding behind my kids but trying not to...and saying that at least I recognize it.
As well, I have lost almost everyone that I know or have to compromise myself in some way to hang on-at what price to keep someone so that's how I sort of measure-possible pain vs further loss.
Il's were a rather large family here as well and live very close by. It feels now like an octopus that won't go away and as I work through emotions I cannot shake them off. Shame because they knew of the affair and stuff but did not tell me and shame that they welcome ow to their homes and want me to share the space.
Sorry for wandering thoughts. Just wanted to show some empathy.
Something I'm trying, FWIW, is to sort of veer away from married people situations and place myself more in public things, like a concert of any kind, a class or something, where the socializing is in a group or something and doesn't get personal. Then it's being around people but in a controlled environment with nothing deep.
And yes, the idea below with away friends being opportunities helps I think, too, to get us out of our "boxes".
So hard to trust anybody again and then I think at times, am I letting him win, in some way, if I never trust again?
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
I kept busy all the time. My house was clean, I worked a lot, I went to the gym.
Now, I go out by myself. Sometimes, I go out with my girlfriends and their spouses. Its not weird any more- we all got used to it. I also have a single male BFF that is a totally platonic relationship.
You'll find yourself- it just takes time.
With time, I know you know that it will come to feel normal to be somewhere on your own, without her.
Absolutely nothing is wrong with you, either. You're just a bit down right now. Friends do move away--does it mean they don't love us? No! Just that change is a part of life. They remain our friends across the new distance.
Right now, change and loss feel so scary and real to you. That's normal. But really, change is okay. It will happen. It doesn't mean those around you who leave invalidate your worth. They can't--that worth is yours to keep. It's inherent.
If you're too worn out and dejected to reach out in new ways now, I suspect it's temporary; and I'm excited for the time when your life fills up again. Have faith that it will happen.
"'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true "
Set Fire to the Rain
I do try to stay busy and I'm generally successful. But like anyone, I get tired and just want to relax, and in comes the paradox in that I can't relax. Relaxation = frustration and depression. At the same time, i can't help but think I need to feel this, feel everything. I just need to let it hit me full force. At some point though, the mourning needs to stop and the living needs to begin.
Thanks for listening. At least here, I know I'm not alone.
First, I started to go back to the spiritual place I had before the and that felt really good to me. Then, I contacted one of my classmates and we started to do homework together on either Saturday or Sunday. That helped me tremendously, I could focus in on my school work and not on him. I live close to the beach, so I'd walk down to the beach, lie on the warm sand, listen to the radio and relax for a little bit. I'd go to movie matinees. Like you, my ability to trust was broken, so I found things I could do on my own. I started to do things that made me feel better. It took some time. There were still very painful and difficult times but I started to have some moments of peace.
You are not alone in the way you feel, so hard to trust when that trust was so broken and betrayed. This is your time to heal and for me, a time to feel like I was whole again. It will get better.
For me, it's starting to get a little better. Those first couple of months were rough, though.
Hang in there!
I remember feeling mocked by the spare seat at the dinner table. I would subconsciously put bags and stuff on it so as to not feel the gap. I hate clutter so it would stick out and irritate me further. The irony is we rarely ate together and never at a 4 seated table. Yet it felt like a hole as you describe.
I recommend you read "Journey from Abandonment to Healing" - it helped me recognise that some of my extreme reaction here was that this all brought up very very old issues of abandonment within me.
It is normal to feel out of balance in the early days. This is a big and terrible thing that has happened and your world has been turned upside down. It can and will become a better world - you've just got to get through these rough parts first.
Honour your feelings but remember they are not made of stone. You won't always feel this way.
I'm only 2 years out and I find it hard to remember most of those early days. I was in such a blur for a lot of it. Like my body/mind shut down as a survival method.
I find it hard to remember ever having him in my life save for the constriction in my breath and the attendant anxiety of living amongst eggshells for so long.
What works for me when I feel those feelings of abandonment arise (which happen whenever I'm going through something difficult) is stopping, taking a big deep breath and planting myself in the 'now'. Not regret for the past or fear of the future. Like a meditation. It helps me acknowledge what I'm feeling without being consumed by it.
I would have been unable to do this in those first 9 or so months. My brain was fried from shock, grief and disbelief.
One day I realised my life was still going and I could choose to participate or I could choose to allow that thief to steal another few years from me.
I chose to participate. I started doing things that made me happy. I surrounded myself with people who made me happy. The happiness seeped in unexpectedly - I was smiling again, I was laughing again, I was me again.
I still get the sads sometimes but it is the time wasted I'm sad about. Pre and post DD. I won't waste another moment. It's OK to feel sad. It's not OK to think you will always feel this way or that it will always hurt this much.
The ache deadens. Life goes on at a cracking pace. It's up to you how much you want to participate in it and help shape it. Nobody else but you.
So yeah, I'm sad, I cannot trust anyone, and I feel pretty damn worthless. More than all of that though, I'm just angry. So very angry. I just don't understand how people can do this to other people. How do you so brutally wound those who gave you their undying love and trust? How do you ruin a life like that and not seem to feel any true regret or, well, anything? How can someone be so incredibly selfish? How does someone who does this then have the gall to actually put some blame on the betrayed? How does that same person still hint that we can be friends or dare to ask how I'm doing in order to justify her actions as somehow a gift to me? I'm left trying to put a life back together that was all but destroyed, and why? Because I trusted and loved her. That was my crime.
Sorry to keep venting. You all make some great points here and I'm sure I'll go back later, re-read this post, and be able to build some strength out of it. Today, I will continue to wallow and mourn. Tomorrow is another day.
I'm sorry it hurts so very much. It's okay to wallow. A holiday with so many memories--you are human, and loving, how could you avoid having the first Easter bring you such intense feelings? It's good to allow yourself to feel it. And once it's over, that's another first done with. Another new knowledge of your strength. Another step into your new life. Just know that today, when you are down, you are not alone. We are holding you in our thoughts.
SBB wrote an excellent post, as always. Just like her, I can hardly remember how bad those first few months were because I'm in such a great place now. I know that's not a lot of comfort to you right now as you're going through the worst parts of this, but keep telling yourself that it does get better.
I'll recommend another book that really helped me -- "Getting Past Your Breakup."
In the future, when you've healed more, you will craft a fabulous new life for yourself and be happy beyond imagining. I know this is in store for you, but pity parties were part of my healing process as well. I wish there was a way to fast forward through the pain, but you've got to work it out in order to heal.
Married: 11 years, no kids
The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo
Please don't expect too much of yourself so soon.
At three months I was a blubbering mess. It was another year before I'd even consider socializing, and then it was gradual.
It takes time and it sucks, but it is what it is.
Know that you won't feel this way forever. Take it easy, baby steps, and eventually you'll ease back into a life where you remember who you were before you met the person you're missing.
I was just coming home from a walk, Day 3 of a four-day long weekend, and remembering how I used to dread weekends, especially holidays. Now it's bliss to just lie around or be active and do what I want, when I want.
You will get there too.
[This message edited by FaithFool at 8:02 PM, April 20th (Sunday)]