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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Here I am again - Dday #2 - help!
OakStreet
♀ Member
Member # 41193
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, I was posting in the Reconciliation forum and had to move back here.

My first dday - October 14, 2013. WH wants to stay with me and he starts IC a month later and we go to MC starting in December.

Although we go to MC weekly, WH is not really doing the work. When I finally tell him if he doesn't work on R, I'm over our marriage AND I give him "How to Heal..." to read, he FINALLY GETS IT. This was mid-March.

A few triggers last week caused me to ask him if he had been 'leading the COW on'. And he truthfully answered me, "Yes, we have hugged (and kissed), broke it off, restarted, resumed (repeat). He supposedly REALLY broke it off after reading the book.

So the first 5 months after Dday 1 were a lie. Everything he's told me. All the counseling (a one hour drive away). Everything.

So, just when I was able to sleep, gave him a little trust, was feeling hopeful, I'm back where I was on October 15. In pain, angry and hurt.

NOW he says he wants 'to grow old together' (if I don't kill him first). NOW he wants to only be with me.

Does anyone who has been through 2 Ddays have any advice? I have hardened my heart again. I told my WH that our MC had better be good (I like him as a counselor), because I don't see how I am going to get over this.


Me: 58
Him: 65
Married: 21 years (well, we'll say 19 now!).
One son: 19, 2 adult stepdaughters
DDay: Oct. 14, 2013
18 month EA/PA with COW
Dday #2: 4/16/14 - took it underground for 5 months.
Haven't decided on outcome.

Posts: 436 | Registered: Nov 2013
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh Oak Street

I am sorry, this is just awful.

Give yourself time to think and make decisions.

I would expect the first thing, if you even want to start, would be an immediate NC letter.

Is she married? I would call her BS if she is.

He needs to strip down and be completely transparent. Change his phone number, give up any privacy and start doing some major work.

I would put the MC on hold and have you both enter IC. He obviously has issues and needs to start repairing himself before he can attempt to repair the marriage.

Treat yourself kindly, you know the drill...eat, drink fluids and rest.

You deserve a husband that will jump through hoops to save this marriage, I hope he steps up.

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3801 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Uhtred
♂ Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really don't have any advice for you but want you know that I hate that this has happened to you again. As if once isn't enough. I'm amazed at how wayward's have these epiphanies about wanting to "Grow Old" together but it only comes when they get caught.

I'm sending positive thoughts your way on this holiday weekend.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 602 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
OakStreet
♀ Member
Member # 41193
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you karmahappens and Uhtred!

I think considering stopping the MC and sending him again to IC is a consideration.

A NC letter is a moot point (I think) although he just 'offered' to write one. They work together.

She is unmarried.

He 'seems' very devastated right now but, as I told him, he's said all his "I'm sorrys", "You don't deserve this" and "I understands" before.

We're sleeping in separate rooms. Just waiting to see what our MC has to say Tuesday.


Me: 58
Him: 65
Married: 21 years (well, we'll say 19 now!).
One son: 19, 2 adult stepdaughters
DDay: Oct. 14, 2013
18 month EA/PA with COW
Dday #2: 4/16/14 - took it underground for 5 months.
Haven't decided on outcome.

Posts: 436 | Registered: Nov 2013
Zengirl
♀ Member
Member # 42195
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Oakstreet, I'm so so sorry this has happened. :(

I had a very similar experience - my DDay was also in October, and I thought we were both on the same page about working on our marriage. We started MC, he started IC, he started going through the motions of repairing what he had broken. But it never felt right to me. I never felt he was "all in."

With DDay #2 at the beginning of February came so so much more pain. I wouldn't say it was as bad for me as the first time around, because I wasn't totally blindsided. But it was excruciating in other ways. The extent of the lying and manipulation that comes with a false R is just devastating, and for me has been far more difficult to process than the original "truth" I was told.

That being said, the change in my H with DDay2 was immediate and crystal clear. All the doubt I had about his feelings of remorse and truly "getting it" were gone. He was FINALLY who I had been needing to see all along. But at such a huge price.

The week of DDay2 I saw a divorce attorney, I contacted the OBS, and I put on my bitch boots. I turned my whole focus onto my healing. I even went on a solo cruise to get my head straightened out. All that should have happened initially, I guess, but I thought my leaving the country was enough after the first DDay. Guess not.

Anyway, R is now going strong and we're making good progress. H hasn't faltered in his commitment since that day. But it's so much harder for me to deal with now.

I'm really so very sorry.


Me (BW): 40
Married: 15 years
3 kids
D-Day: 10/13

Posts: 147 | Registered: Jan 2014
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Either he or she need a new job at a new company.


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 944 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
ICECOLD
♀ New Member
Member # 40258
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The week of DDay2 I saw a divorce attorney, I contacted the OBS, and I put on my bitch boots. I turned my whole focus onto my healing. I even went on a solo cruise to get my head straightened out. All that should have happened initially

I think you should do this^^

After another fuck up like this you should look at your options. Have a consultation with a divorce lawyer, take a solo vacation, stop MC and do some intensive IC. You don't have to follow through, but it does 2 things.

1. gives you back some power
2.scares his cheating ass


"If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit."

"If you think the grass is greener, you're welcome to take a hike"

BS:47
WS:45
Kids

R: one foot in, and one foot out


Posts: 50 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Atlanta GA
OakStreet
♀ Member
Member # 41193
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

EXCELLENT Advice all!

Zengirl: you give me hope. He is (seems) devastated. There is nothing he can say that he hasn't said before. But we'll see.

nomistakeaboutit: I confronted COW the day after Dday 1 and she sobbed, apologized and said she'd look for another job. My WH said BOTH he and she were looking for other jobs, but of course they were still in the A. Apparently, he "really" ended it March 16 at which time she said she'd look. But of course, they are both liars.

ICECOLD: I AM going to follow this advice.

Thanks again, all of you!


Me: 58
Him: 65
Married: 21 years (well, we'll say 19 now!).
One son: 19, 2 adult stepdaughters
DDay: Oct. 14, 2013
18 month EA/PA with COW
Dday #2: 4/16/14 - took it underground for 5 months.
Haven't decided on outcome.

Posts: 436 | Registered: Nov 2013
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((OakStreet)))
I just read your profile before I responded. Your WH does not seem to care about wounding you over & over again, even after he sees how much pain he has already caused.
He's showing you who he is.

Agree with all of the above advice, but want to add a few things.

NOW he says he wants 'to grow old together' NOW he wants to only be with me

The most important thing to remember is that WORDS MEAN NOTHING. Cheaters are liers.

I don't want to tell you what to do, but I asked my WH to leave on Dday. Your WH is still living in your house, & has not gone NC with OW? You are being way too nice. Your WH needs to get a taste of what he is throwing away. Right now he is eating cake.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1391 | Registered: Dec 2012
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oakstreet, read Pass's post above:

"Leaving is an option"
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=528832


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1391 | Registered: Dec 2012
RippedSoul
♀ Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Although I haven't updated my profile to reflect this, my SLAWH and I DID have multiple D-days. They weren't the same in that he and she weren't intimate; they didn't rekindle the relationship; they simply thought they could be "friends." In October 2013, when I found out they'd been texting, I threw a fit. Sounds so immature, but I did. And I don't throw fits. I called her names using vulgar language that simply isn't in my vocabulary. It wasn't even in my once in awhile vocab; it was in my once in a lifetime vocab. I told him, finally, that I hated and detested and despised her, that there was no room for his cumdumpster (his eyes got HUGE) in our marriage, and that any wish for a friendship sailed when they started their EA (let alone the PA).

Although an intellectually brilliant man, his addiction makes him emotionally slow. It has taken him WAAAAY TOO long to completely cut her off, but that conversation started something. He immediately threw out his burner phone (he used his classified work phone for her and his cheap phone for his family and his escorts/prostitutes) and stopped texting/calling her. Not e-mailing her occasionally took more healing/impulse control work on his part; not hanging out in a group that included her on quarterly business trips took even longer. But a couple months ago, he finally blocked her phone number and said no to a personal invitation from her to go to lunch as part of a group.

So while the subsequent D-days, in our case, didn't hurt as much, they stiffened my spine. I became more resolved and committed to ME--for once in my life. Hopefully, even though you're hurting again, you'll be able to bounce back more quickly (if your WH is really doing the work this time) this time and make your boundaries firmer and ensure YOU are your number one priority. Since you know now (unfortunately) how to do this, the learning curve isn't as steep. You CAN do it. You can!

[This message edited by RippedSoul at 7:38 PM, April 19th (Saturday)]


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 454 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
tl502
♀ Member
Member # 42607
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For 1 1/2 years, my H continued an email and phone relationship with the ow. I found the secret email acct. The phone he used was a company phone that I didn't have access to. He never expected me to be as upset as I was and was shocked at my pain. He told me that it was winding down on its own and she just needed a friend and he felt guilty for hurting her. Of course, I got the old standby, "I didn't think you would find out" and "I figured what you didn't know, wouldn't hurt you." All the while I was asking on a regular basis if he had heard anything from ow and he was lying thru his teeth.
What I learned from this experience is how to tuck my feelings deep inside so that even I can't feel them. This keeps me safe from the person who I ought to feel the safest with.
I learned that love and trust don't necessarily have to go together.
I learned to have patience in myself and to give myself time to feel again. Time is my friend.
I learned that it is no longer about my H or the ow, it is about learning to become the best me that I can be. It's about developing my own self reliance and knowing that I'll be ok, no matter what choices my H makes.
It's been a year since dd#2, and I don't know where this road will lead, but I know I'll be ok no matter what.


Married 30 yrs.
dd1 9/10/2011 ea/pa
DD2 3/25/2013 same ow, never stopped email and phone contact.
Putting the past behind us and moving forward together

Posts: 240 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: tl502
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((OakStreet)))))

I am sending you as much strength and peace as I can muster right now. I had a second DDay and it was just awful to realize I had been believing more lies.

Whatever happens, I wish the best for you. Be as kind to yourself as you can be at this time.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4165 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
OakStreet
♀ Member
Member # 41193
Default  Posted: 3:28 AM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mchercheur: I have read "Leaving is an option" and will be calling an attorney this week to see what my options are. MY WH started to 'see who he is' after doing a little reading and our discussions after Dday 2.

For me, Dday 2 was (maybe) more painful b/c of the lies I had been told since Dday 1. In fact, I listed every LIE after reviewing my journal. They ranged from starting counseling (under false pretenses) to a "promises" card he gave me to almost every conversation we had. In black and white, he saw that every week since October 14, I have heard his lies.

While I was definitely shell-shocked for 2 days, HE is the one who is experiencing pain now. He is definitely taking a look at himself and his actions.

So while the subsequent D-days, in our case, didn't hurt as much, they stiffened my spine. I became more resolved and committed to ME--for once in my life. Hopefully, even though you're hurting again, you'll be able to bounce back more quickly (if your WH is really doing the work this time) this time and make your boundaries firmer and ensure YOU are your number one priority. Since you know now (unfortunately) how to do this, the learning curve isn't as steep. You CAN do it. You can!

Thanks, RippedSoul - YES I CAN! And thanks tl502 and norabird for the encouraging words.


Me: 58
Him: 65
Married: 21 years (well, we'll say 19 now!).
One son: 19, 2 adult stepdaughters
DDay: Oct. 14, 2013
18 month EA/PA with COW
Dday #2: 4/16/14 - took it underground for 5 months.
Haven't decided on outcome.

Posts: 436 | Registered: Nov 2013
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 5:09 AM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OakStreet, you've been putting up with this utter disrespect since 2011.

In 3 years, nothing has changed.

He put you through the hell of a false reconciliation, so why should you believe ANYTHING that comes out of his mouth at this point?

You're just being set up - yet again - for another kick in the head.

How many chances are you supposed to give someone who clearly doesn't care about how much he's devastated you? Why is he worthy of even MORE forgiveness?

Lastly, I hate to say this, but if you keep forgiving him, it just sends a message to him that he can disrespect you over and over and over again. And that's exactly what he's doing.

Good luck to you.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1753 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
crazynot
♀ Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 5:23 AM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Give him a shock. Go away on that solo vacation, absolutely, and don't contact him at all while you're away. Then when you come back, time to focus on you, completely. Give yourself time and tell him that you need time to consider your future. Turn the tables.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
crazynot
♀ Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 5:27 AM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, just read your profile too. Time for YOU to stop trying to fix this. No more MC, no more spending time talking to him and getting him to read books. I actually believe from your posts that, unlike mine, your WH probably DOES want to stay married to you. So it's time for him to see that he can't take this for granted. DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT TRYING TO FIX HIM. He needs a massive unbelievable wake-up call and you CAN give him one.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
k9lover1
♀ Member
Member # 8531
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cheat
I'm sorry
Cheat
I'm sorry
Cheat
I'm really sorry this time
Cheat
I'm sorry
Cheat
I'm sorry - now I get it.

Rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat.
Oh, but this time he read a book and gets it.


D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8098 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
zulay44
♀ New Member
Member # 42772
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((OakStreet)) I'm so very sorry that you are going thru Dday#2. I completely agree with ((neveragain2013)). I know that you love this man, but how many chances are you going to give him? He didn't get it the first time, put you thru so much pain and knows it, and still a second D-day? How many D-days is it going to take him to finally get it? I'm sorry if I'm too harsh, but it infuriates me, that this cheaters (supposedly)loves us, yet, they are so selfish and only think about themselves.
My heart goes out to you. Please, think about yourself and only you. Take care. "Better be alone and happy, than unhappy with somebody else"


Me-50
WBF-39
Dday- 10/2013
Left him since Dday.
"Better happy alone, than unhappy with somebody else"

Posts: 22 | Registered: Mar 2014
MailServer
♀ Member
Member # 40502
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For 1 1/2 years, my H continued an email and phone relationship with the ow. I found the secret email acct. The phone he used was a company phone that I didn't have access to. He never expected me to be as upset as I was and was shocked at my pain. He told me that it was winding down on its own and she just needed a friend and he felt guilty for hurting her. Of course, I got the old standby, "I didn't think you would find out" and "I figured what you didn't know, wouldn't hurt you." All the while I was asking on a regular basis if he had heard anything from ow and he was lying thru his teeth.

WOW tl502, our WH's are clones of each other. My sitch exactly. I had 5 DDays and each one my mental state went from worse to real worse to really worse to a complete bottom out. I did everything wrong. Should of walked on DDay 2.

October 2013 was the final meltdown. And even though he finally did the NC route, I was a mental mess. I mean, "certifiable". Reconciliation was a joke. He never did any of the work. Constantly rug-swept everything. No transparency, continued gaslighting - whole ball of wax. It wasn't until two weeks ago I decided R was impossible and I got a divorce consultation with a lawyer. He found out by googling the numbers dialed on my cell phone. That smacked him upside the head.

Last week I got real answers to my questions. Grilled him for two nights 2 to 3 hours a session. Wasn't very happy with what I heard but it was a hell of a lot better than "I don't know. I don't remember". Yadda, yadda... D is on hold for I have more questions and he WILL give me answers.

This site, SI, has been wonderful. I will always keep reading.


BS/Me (58)
WH (58) 3 years behind my back. EA & PA
OW (57) Old high school friend
1 Adult Child
DDay: August 26 2012
5 Ddays since then.
The 5th was a total Nuclear Meltdown
Reconciling. Sort of. It's not him. It's me.

Posts: 65 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: East of the Grape Vine
Topic Posts: 20

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