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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: My home is reflective of how I love.
tryingagain74
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to preface this by saying that this only applies to me and my ex. If you have a perfect home without a spot of dust or even the slightest imperfection, I am not implying that you are a bad person. I also wanted to put this here rather than NB because this is the board where we're embarking on our new lives, and while we do celebrate victories, we are often sharing our struggles. I'm not quite at meh, and I'm sure I'll post something that annoys me about my ex in the near future, but tonight, I want to post something happy.

I was cleaning my house today (it's almost Easter, after all, the season of miracles), and as I was cleaning, I was noticing all of my home's imperfections. My bedroom door has a crack in it. My daughter's room has tiny droplets of paint on the rug in a corner from when my parents painted it. There's a section of flooring in my kitchen where the cupboards were moved, and it's discolored.

However, rather than be troubled by these details, I actually started thinking about how much I don't care about them. I love my home. I feel peace and tranquility here. I feel blessed that I have a roof over my head in a neighborhood and community that I love. When I look at these little blights, I am grateful that I feel zero urge to fix them. The house is old. It has character. I'd rather save my money for necessary repairs like when I'll have to have the roof replaced or the plumbing fixed.

As I was thinking about this, I realized how much my ex would never have liked any of those things. The painting had to be perfect; he would have balked at how my parents and I repainted the bedrooms! The bedroom door would have to be replaced. The kitchen flooring would have to be redone. That's how every home we lived in, minus the apartment we shared at the very beginning of our marriage, was dealt with. There was never an, "Oh, the rug isn't that bad" moment for him. If he didn't like the rug, despite the fact that it was a perfectly decent rug that wasn't outdated or a heinous color, it went. No home was ever good enough. Something always had to be added or fixed.

This led me to think about how he and I deal with relationships, and I thought about how it was exactly like the way we view our homes. I'm okay with imperfections (not cheating-- that's like being okay with a giant hole in the roof-- I'm talking more about a corner where the paint is chipped off, like when he'd leave his clothes on the floor). I will still love you even if you aren't perfect. I won't get involved with you because I'm up for a "project," and I'm anticipating how I can change you in a radical way so that you suit me. I'm not saying that I'll settle for "good enough"; I'm saying that I will accept you for who you are.

He, on the other hand, is not and never will be satisfied. Every home will be too small, every paint color will need changing, every rug will need replacing, and there may never be a "just right" for him. Despite the fact that I was a damn good partner, I wasn't enough for him. I know for a fact that he was hoping I'd change in several ways, and I sometimes wonder if he had the A because he thought it would force me to change; I would beg him to stay, accept that the A was my fault, and do whatever it was that he wanted in order to "win" him back. That doesn't hurt me or offend me because now I know it's not me. That feeling of not being enough is inside of him, and he thinks that he can fill it by receiving external validation from people, house remodels, etc. When I no longer filled the hole inside of him, he sought out someone desperate and immoral enough who would.

That's the kind of love that Shakespeare wrote about: "Love is not love / Which alters when it alteration finds, / Or bends with the remover to remove," and it will never find peace. He will never enjoy that stillness that comes with being content-- he will always have that nagging feeling that something needs to change. What he doesn't realize is that HE needs to change. Unfortunately for my kids, he will never admit to that and seek help for it. He'll just gut another room, find another lover, throw himself headfirst into another hobby that he'll later ditch. Right now, he's enjoying the validation provided to him by his blended family; he's likely patting himself on the back for what he feels is success (yay, I made my own Brady Bunch!) born from strife (created by me, of course). Who knows how long that phase will last.

I, on the other hand, will take my quiet life with its minor dings and smudges, and I will be grateful for what I have. And I hope that, if I get the chance to love again some day, that I will love with my eyes wide open, but I'll still be okay with a little uneven flooring or a worn place on the stair.

ETA: Fixing a typo.

[This message edited by tryingagain74 at 9:34 PM, April 19th (Saturday)]


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3575 | Registered: Oct 2011
tesla
♀ Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Love this.

Also, love that sonnet. I memorized it for a class ages ago and have never forgotten it.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4610 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
Caretaker1
♂ Member
Member # 42777
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in same place...she's mother to the world blending families with her immoral AP. Ishe couldn't take care of 2 now 3 with Disney Dad? They come back sick half the time with the manchausen family. I love your post.

Posts: 234 | Registered: Mar 2014
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wonderful.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4088 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
jackie89
♀ Member
Member # 38271
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Love it!


Separated/divorcing

"The Secret of Change is to focus all your energy - not on fighting the old, but on building the new" ~~Lori Greiner FB post~~


Posts: 469 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
MissMouseMo
♀ Member
Member # 38562
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You couldn't have expressed it more eloquently. Thanks for taking the time to write it and comb it out and share it with us. Just beautiful.


It is the gut-wrenching, down-to-your-soul honesty that helps so much. ~paraphrased from CancunCrushed
"I edit, therefore I am." -BionicGal

Posts: 265 | Registered: Feb 2013
BAB61
♀ Member
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, April 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You hit the nail dead center .... it's as if we were chatting about STBX and you wrote about him! SMH .... eerily the same ......'cue Twilight Zone music'


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
IrishLass518
♀ Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 12:45 AM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Beautiful just beautiful.


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1728 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
thebighurt
♀ Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 1:18 AM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You beautifully expressed something I have been thinking lately. (And I love the Shakespeare quote.) It sort of goes along with my thoughts comparing finding happiness and contentment in the familiar, to, "familiarity breeds contempt".

Instead of wanting everything we had together and longing to live out our remaining days together in spite of our flaws and differences and wanting to work on them as I did, he obsessed on the flaws and differences as things that signaled it was time to put the M out at the roadside with the trash and find something "better". Of course, he searched for the "something better" long before trash pickup day.

Of course, knowing what I know now of his activities and with the hindsight and insight IC has brought, I'm thankful it's over.

ETA: Your home is lovely just the way it is.

[This message edited by thebighurt at 1:21 AM, April 20th (Sunday)]


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 2284 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 3:13 AM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love your post, my friend. You are well on your way to meh.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2766 | Registered: Jan 2011
Topic Posts: 10

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