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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Healing after the Betrayal
catapult
♀ New Member
Member # 43144
Default  Posted: 1:43 AM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is much healing to be done and that is why being apart for a time or even permanently is important. It can be lonely and uncomfortable in many ways but it doesn't mean those are good reasons to reunite. The questions I am asking myself are: how did we get here? What behaviors were "red flags" and did I care enough to call attention to those and work on our relationship then? I can honestly say that I did miss some of the "red flags" and trusted my spouse too much with his free time. He made some bad choices but I allowed him to live in those choices hoping he would see for himself what the outcomes were...but that just allowed distance between us and for him to form relationships outside the marriage/family here at home. We were too complacent. It doesn't excuse his behavior to pursue a relationship. He had responsibility just as I did to care and work at the marriage, but he chose to listen to his desires, thinking the grass was greener on the other side. Now he says he made a huge mistake, and all the cliche phrases like, "it just happened", "I don't know what I was thinking", "I never loved her" "this will never happen again", "its like I was in another world"....well, he was in another world and his choices put him there...obviously. Nobody brought him into that place where the forbidden fruit was. He found it and took it. So, short of a miracle,or just plain stupidity, or fear of living without him, reconciliation just doesn't make sense. Actions have consequences. Not that forgiveness is impossible, in fact it is desired because to live with bitterness and un-forgiveness is a ball and chain around my neck. I don't need any more hostility to carry around...it has to be dealt with. That also is a miracle but I want that. Reconciliation...I just don't know if that's something I want. But, it's only been a week and I'm not going to close any doors just yet.


Age: 52
Married: 29 yrs.

Posts: 1 | Registered: Apr 2014
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 3:07 AM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You sound like you are thinking very rationally catapult. It's so scary to contemplate being alone when you have been in a marriage for such a long time.

I just don't know if that's something I want. But, it's only been a week and I'm not going to close any doors just yet.

^^ I think this is very wise. It takes a long time to process through all the emotions. Personally, I believe a year is the minimum time to work out what one really wants. I invited my husband to move back in after 4 months and in retrospect, in our situation, that was way too soon (some people know they want R much sooner, others take longer, it's all very individual, there is no right or wrong answer). My anger phase only really kicked in at about 4-5 months. I was probably at my lowest point at 9 months! It all takes time.... Time and a commitment to process your emotions, educate yourself, work through your issues individually and together..


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 911 | Registered: Oct 2012
Howie
♂ Member
Member # 41922
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All very reasonable, there may have been mutual factors leading to the betrayal but totally his responsibility. The one polarizing aspect of your analysis-that is. a distorting thing -is the time. Unless the is the world's worst rat-and some are, even the first month, in my view is too soon to determine the viability of reconciliation, the real, revealed through time elements are your heart and his- as shown by reforming, remorseful action (and words). A week, a month from now the "burn" aspect of his betrayal may be less in the forefront and maybe the two of you can proceed.
You will experience a vast nasty roller coaster of up and down emotions, much pain.I am sorry you find yourself here but now you have the truth and you can move on to a fuller life.

Posts: 168 | Registered: Jan 2014
devastated23
♀ New Member
Member # 43085
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Catapult, I felt the need to post. I feel we are in similar places. The same lies, "I don't know why...", "I was in a fucked up place," "My love for you never wavered." I'm coming to realize that my WS was one big disgusting cliche, playing out all of the banal story lines that I've read elsewhere on this forum. I mean, Dday started because I smelt perfume on him (talk about cliche). I too am at the point where I genuinely feel that R is impossible and unimaginable. But at a week past DDay, I still have passing thoughts of wanting what I lost back. I know this is just the roller coaster of thoughts and emotions. It freaks my family out more than it does me because they think I'm wavering. They are just thoughts and we just need to ride them out. I personally find that easier to do by maintaining NC with my WS. It helps to curb impulses fueled by anger, sadness, and grief. In the end, whatever you decide is best for you is what's best for you. You sound like you are being strong, reasonable, and focused on yourself. This will carry you through this nightmare.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Apr 2014
devastated23
♀ New Member
Member # 43085
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Catapult, I felt the need to post. I feel we are in similar places. The same lies, "I don't know why...", "I was in a fucked up place," "My love for you never wavered." I'm coming to realize that my WS was one big disgusting cliche, playing out all of the banal story lines that I've read elsewhere on this forum. I mean, Dday started because I smelt perfume on him (talk about cliche). I too am at the point where I genuinely feel that R is impossible and unimaginable. But at a week past DDay, I still have passing thoughts of wanting what I lost back. I know this is just the roller coaster of thoughts and emotions. It freaks my family out more than it does me because they think I'm wavering. They are just thoughts and we just need to ride them out. I personally find that easier to do by maintaining NC with my WS. It helps to curb impulses fueled by anger, sadness, and grief. In the end, whatever you decide is best for you is what's best for you. You sound like you are being strong, reasonable, and focused on yourself. This will carry you through this nightmare.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Apr 2014
RipsInMyChest
♀ Member
Member # 41166
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, April 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Infidelity was a deal breaker for me....but here I am 15 months later in R. My H had a ONS and was instantly sure he would never do that again, but I still wasn't sure that we wouldn't D at 9 months. Consistent action, true remorse, and being a better H than I had before are the reasons I am staying.

I wouldn't expect a WS to be able to see their broken motivations right away. Reading and IC will hopefully show your WS the deeper reasons for his behaviors. I know it's so hard to wait for better answers but until he does some deep digging and hard work, you will get those cliche answers.

So sorry you find yourself here. (((Catapult)))


Me: BW 41
FWH 41
Together 21 yrs, M 18, 2 kids
DDay: 12/11/12 ONS with CW
Used condom, got chlamydia anyway.

His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.


Posts: 245 | Registered: Oct 2013
Topic Posts: 6

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