(I have sole physical custody & a PO against this NPD who is escalating.)
So STBX flaked out on the Saturday to Monday Easter visitation he so desperately wanted that he gave me less than a weeks notice for and I made a special exception to allow. Saturday morning he actually tried to deny that I agreed to the visitation until I cut & pasted the text I sent him days ago stating such.
Per the custody agreement we are to meet halfway for the exchange...the church works for us. But he said he couldnt meet there..his scooter had a flat (it had a flat last week too...for the scout meeting). He wanted me to drive DS11 to his house. (Why does he keep wanting me to go to his house)? But ok. I will drop at his door. For $10 (drop off & pick up). Note: STBX is NOT paying the CS he agreed to, nor has he ever given me gas $ for all the times I have brought DS11 to him, to school, doctor etc. Well STBX refused! He thinks he is entitled to special favors by me and there is "no way he is paying me $10 which I will use on beer". WTF. So I suggested hiring a local car service guy. Or borrowing a car from a friend (mind you...he borrowed 2 cars from 2 friends for months at a time). Nope. He wont do either.
Finally, after 4.5 hours of his harrassing, guilt-trip texts which were flooded with his comments on how I would be missing out on my big out-of-town plans if DS11 didnt go to his place (what plans?) I gave him 15 minutes to figure something out or I would consider that he forfeited Easter visitation. When time was up I texted "I am sorry you chose not to work something out for Easter visitation. I will watch for your next visitation request with minimum 1 weeks notice". Then crickets on my part.
Of course he kept texting:
HIM: " Sorry that you couldn't keep your plans and feel the need.to keep DS11.away from his dad."
HIM: " Thanks for the false alarm. You are so considerate."
HIM: "It's obvious to me now that you really just want to look like you offered to let DS11 visit. You never had any intention to bring him."
I didnt respond...then I get this starting at noon today....
HIM: " You know... I do have something for DS11 for Easter... How can I make sure he gets it? Will you cooperate with me here?"
..3 hours later...
HIM: " I guess the answer is one of two things... We left town and you aren't allowed to give DS11 an Easter basket... Or, I'm mad at you because I didn't want to drive a few extra blocks to drop him off at your place and DS11 is the one that suffers. When can I get him his Easter basket?"
...another 2 hours later...
HIM: "For what its worth, Happy Easter to you too".
He must have forgotten texting this to me last night:
HIM: " I'll just deliver his Easter basket to the school."
1) I'm not required to do favors for him like driving DS11 to his door just because he wants me to, am I? The custody papers say meet halfway. Even if it is just 2 miles? Should I have? I mean...it wasnt worth $10 to see his son? (ie: he wld rather me not get $10 then see his son)
2) Do I reply to his Text wanting to give DS11 Easter basket? If so...how?
(I want to say: "You already texted this regarding the Easter basket" & then cut & paste his text about dropping it at school. Or perhaps he should keep it until his next visitation. Or mail it. He already txtd DS11 directly saying the Easter bunny had dropped something at his place for him. Geez. )
3) I can tell my direct, sparce, no drama replies are bugging him. I am trying to NC.
For the record:
All his texts were nasty or ridiculous or about my plans and how its my fault if he doesnt see DS11. Texts like: "Why do you capitalize off of people that have no transportation? Does that make you feel like a better citizen?". (We shared the car until he needed cash & I felt sorry for him so I bought out his interest in it for cash-back before he quit paying support 6 months ago). And at least a dozen texts about my "plans" followed by "I dont care about your plans". LoL.
[This message edited by btrayedbyhim at 3:58 PM, April 20th (Sunday)]
You keep giving him crickets.
It's obviously bothering him.
My advice? lather, rinse, repeat.
Do not reply to anything. He is intentionally baiting you and guilt-tripping you, and using other emotionally abusive techniques to bully you. He knows exactly what buttons to push on you, because he installed them.
To answer your questions:
1. You are required to do what the decree states. This guy is the kind if you give him an inch he will take 700 miles and make your life miserable on top of it.
2. CRICKETS on the Easter basket
3. Go to your local Child support Enforcement agency and start the process for garnishment. In my state it was easy to do, and I did not need a lawyer. That was one of the best things I did for my kids, and the side effect for me was I never had to deal with him about CS. Plus he was now dealing directly with the state and they don't mess around with deadbeats and have severe "remedies" for noncompliance.
One day, you are going to have to go back to court about the PO. Each time you "make exceptions" for him, you weaken the chances of renewing it. Each time you don't follow it, he escalates.
Keep the NC going. Next time he actually texts something about seeing DS, but it doesn't follow the PO, the ONLY text you send him is "please read the PO, and follow the guidelines. Any communication not following the guidelines will be ignored."
I'm sorry STBX isn't getting to see DS, but those guidelines are there to protect you. FOLLOW THEM. For you, and your son.
WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.
He wanted me to drive DS11 to his house. (Why does he keep wanting me to go to his house)?
As for the rest of his drivel? Let him eat crickets!
Why does he keep wanting me to go to his house
So that you will invalidate the PO. I do not know the exact law and rules, but I think that if the person who asks for the PO then willingly goes to the person's house or invites him/her to their house (or where ever they are) then it can negate the PO.
So don;t do it unless it is an emergency regarding DS.
You are doing great ignoring him.
No, you will not meet at his house if your PO says church!! Do not pass go, do not collect $10. No no no!!
And crickets to his crazy texting. In fact, call the police and file charges that he is in violation by contacting you. He is crazy and isn't going to stop if you keep feeding his llama!!
You are not in charge of fixing his problems, making his visitations possible, or enabling him in any way.
As a fellow BS with a PO I am begging you to follow it. To a T!!
Ironically enough, I was just driving home after dropping off a friends' birthday gift & I was thinking how nice it had been that I havent received any texts from him since his last Happy Easter text 5 hours ago...and how I would have to post that milestone here...when all of a sudden "Beep Beep". WHAT ARE THE ODDS? And at the VERY minute I was thinking about it...
HIM: "I hope you and DS11 had a nice Easter. I didnt even get dressed today. Goodnight."
PS: Ive been SO conditioned by his texting that when he is silent I worry what evil he is up to. I have a 2-yr PO. No contact except text & email, school & church. Custody not specific on visitation. The 1-week notice was something I required because he wsd giving 1-day notice & my victim advocate said that was not reasonable.
Just thinking how he has never learned there are consequences to his actions:
You cheat on your wife...your marriage goes to hell.
You beat your wife up...you get a guilty conviction and a protective order against you.
You play games with visitation...you dont see your son.
Btw...he refers to his pre-meditated beating of me, arrest, conviction, 2-year protective order anD the end of our marriage & family as MY fault. He actually used the phrase: "when you separated us". OMG!!! Talk about blame-shifting & re-writing history!
[This message edited by btrayedbyhim at 10:38 PM, April 20th (Sunday)]
One: You have been clear you need one week's notice for visitation. This is completely reasonable. He attempts to arrange visitation, on a holiday weekend no less, with less than a week's notice. Do you see how he is disrespecting the basic, very reasonable boundary of one week's notice? This entire incident would have been avoided with a simple message of "Per previous communication regarding scheduling visitation, please adhere to one week's notice". Then crickets.
Two: Once you "made an exception" to the above boundary-busting behavior, what you show him is you are willing to compromise. One might think this is a good thing... but really, with this type personality, it's just not. He must have firm, consistent, unwavering boundaries with you, much like a petulant toddler. So. You "made an exception", and what does he do? He pushes for you to drop DS off at his house.
Not to be blunt, but I am horrified and honestly astounded you would agree to this. The whole $10 thing is completely beside the point. I don't care if he would pay you every dime of back support plus a whole year upfront of child support. DO NOT EVER AGREE TO GO TO HIS HOUSE AGAIN. Before you know it, the two years will be up on your RO. And he can and will use your willingness to drop DS off at his house for $10 in gas money as "proof" that you can't possibly be THAT afraid of him. Never. Do. This. Again.
Three: Once he texted the non-sense about dropping off at his house, a simple "please refer to the RO. Drop off at church as usual or forfeit visitation. If I do not have confirmation from you that church drop off will work for you by X time, I will consider the visit forfeited". (X time would be maybe one hour from the time this text is sent. Enough for him to figure his shit out. Or not. Either way, not your problem.)
Four: Allowing these texts to go on and on for hours with verbal sparring back and forth before implementing crickets is a huge problem. Literally, assuming he had scheduled this visit within the one week time frame, it should have taken one text MAX for you to have this resolved. He can blow up your phone with 9782 texts if he so desires, but if you send something along the lines of what I said in point 3, there IS NO FURTHER COMMUNICATION REQUIRED. None. Nada. He either affirms he can pick up at church or he doesn't.
He won't be reasonable. He won't see that you are trying to be reasonable. He will exploit you at every turn.
I have a 2-yr PO. No contact except text & email, school & church.
Any time you go to his house, you violate your own PO, this weakening any standing it would have in court. Stop doing this. You are undermining yourself and putting yourself at risk.
Stop engaging with him. Come up with some strong, consistent responses and stick with them.
"That does not work for me."
"Refer to the guidelines."
Should be enough for just about anything he throws at you.
[This message edited by Amazonia at 6:07 AM, April 21st (Monday)]
Stay away from him... follow that PO to a T and do not give him leeway!
IE I will be at the church from 10:30-10:45.
If he doesn't show...take your child and go home.
I am all for working together and have no problem going the extra mile if it goes both ways. However, you are dealing with someone like my EX and every single time I give an inch...he feels grand entitlement to take a mile (or 100).
I agree, the Easter gift is "not your problem".
IDK if it is worth having an attorney sending him a nice reminder letter of how to play nice and what violates your orders? Might remind him to back-off?
It was interesting that during the hearing for getting my temporary PO converted to a permanent one (and this hearing was immediately following his criminal trial) the Judge gave me a 2-year PO (the victim advocate said it was unusual to get one for that long). Well, STBX said "What about when she came to my place?" (Sorry I dropped off your clothes YOU harrassed me about on your sidewalk). The judge looked at him and said "She can go wherever she wants...you have a Protective Order against YOU, she doesn't".
The crickets are working. Nothing since 11pm last night.
I am increasingly shocked that this man has not requested visitation still...especially since he said my offer of every Wednesday & every other weekend was too little time with DS. But Ive seen some big positive changes in DS' personality the less he sees STBX. He is ADHD with Oppositional Defiant Disorder, OCD, & Mild Aspergers (very intelligent but socially not so great). He is not as angry. More touchy-feely. And more.
I've been reading a lot & everything is becoming more clear. His "not being ready" to divorce yet...withholding support...lies...spinning stories...using people...badmouthing me...etc. I hate that he puts on this "great guy" act & in our small town I get the cold shoulder & dirty looks. I just want to shout out who he really is!!! But a confidant here who's career is psych-related & knows STBX told me if he is exposed that she fears for me.
In my state there is a 1-year wait to file for D. I have no L yet (food & shelter for DS first). Thus your advice is appreciated.
1-week notice MINIMUM.
Church or School.
I am horrified and honestly astounded you would agree to this. The whole $10 thing is completely beside the point. I don't care if he would pay you every dime of back support plus a whole year upfront of child support. DO NOT EVER AGREE TO GO TO HIS HOUSE AGAIN. Before you know it, the two years will be up on your RO. And he can and will use your willingness to drop DS off at his house for $10 in gas money as "proof" that you can't possibly be THAT afraid of him. Never. Do. This. Again.
DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids (4 Dogs, 2 Cats)
WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs
Note: I edit often for clarity/typos.
STBX just let our storage unit be auctioned off today without telling me squatt! He got calls. He got a certified letter. He knew! And in All his crazy texts day after day...not one heads up.
Not just extra stuff...But EVERYTHING of mine & my childrens from birth until now. I posred in general about this.
How much more evil can i expect him to be?
He knows your buttons. He knows what to push - that you're keeping him from his son. You're not. You need to get instantly tough and remove those blasted buttons he installed.
No more nice BBH! He is nothing to you. Take the necessary legal steps to get support via the state, and let them collect from him.
If you feel guilty, come here and process, but do not under any circumstances respond to him from that feeling place. Come here - get what you need then respond from that emotionally neutral place everyone here can help you get to!