Most waywards knew infidelity was wrong, didn't think it was an option, and most of them did not think themselves capable of it.
Since most of them knew that it was "dead wrong," the question then becomes, how could they have allowed themselves to do it anyway? The answer generally lies in ignorance about how affairs start (your wife probably did think/hope/believe she was not going to do anything when she met him), being at a compromised place due to personal or marital issues, ignorance about how addictive they are, ignorance about what keeps people hooked into them, (ironically) fear of losing one's spouse, and poor coping mechanisms.
But, just having a firm belief that they are bad? Not protective.
[This message edited by bionicgal at 6:52 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday)]
I edit, therefore I am.
I also think that it's fairly common for a BS/WS to have completely different perceptions of the state of their M pre-A.
To the BS, who saw the M as "stable" and felt love for and from their WS, it likely seems ludicrous to them that the WS could say they felt unloved and lonely in the M. The BS often seems to have a strong desire to change the WS's mind (the WS isn't seeing straight, or the WS isn't thinking straight, or the WS is rewriting history, or needs to think harder or dig deeper until they find the right WHY which will appease the BS).
IMHO, accept the WHY (she was lonely) as a gift from your WS and recognize that this is her perception of the M (doesn't mean you have to have the same perception of the M, or that you have to agree that you didn't love your W).
Lonely isn't such a bad WHY; feeling unloved in the M isn't such a bad WHY. Both of these things can be dealt with and remedied.
Acceptance kills loneliness. Acceptance fosters love.
And it's also the reason I will never buy my husband's why - because he was in such pain because of my affair. I'm sure he was. But his WHY is really - he couldn't handle his feelings in an adult mature way, same as me.
[This message edited by rachelc at 10:05 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday)]
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.
I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.
I believe lonely caused her to get friendly with AP, but the (real why) caused her to say to herself "it's alright for me to have sex with this guy without my husband knowing". That's the why I would like her to figure out.
I told her that I don't trust her IC on several occasions and even had her go see our MC as an IC for a couple of sessions. Our MC is really good, I think. Anyway, she went right back to her IC, I think because she is in some way supportive of what she did. I'm only saying that based on how she disregarded the A and wanted to know why I didn't want her to be a fireman.
(In case your wondering, her being a fireman and EMT was a plan that her and her AP conconcted. I was never consulted about this. Then after D-Day when I didn't care what she did because I didn't know if we were going to R, she asked for my blessing, even after I found out thier plan. I said no I would give it. Also, someone here on SI pointed out she liked me in uniform (military, policeman and possibly firemen) and I just couldn't. She has now joined and is an EMT, but I still don't support the fireman side of it)
I feel NMD's post is spot on. I feel that WS's do believe differently in some respects. FWH felt cheating was wrong. He felt his BFF cheating was wrong. He was disgusted by politicians who cheated. I would imagine, though, he probably always thought there was some cavaets. Like, if you were lonely, or you felt your spouse didn't love you, or you weren't getting enough of or the kind of sex you thought you deserved.
What is/was missing in your wife is the step between lonely/hungry/broke--->missing driving belief--->cheating/grilling up fido/robbing a bank. She needs to figure out the driving belief that allowed "cheating" to be the answer to that problem.
It may be a case of "fluid ethics", selfishness, narcissism, entitlement or any number of driving beliefs.
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
The neighbor and her H are not split up and and fWW is still friendly with cheating W. I don't know if they ever discussed cheating, both before fWWs A or after.
I wanted to point out that I don't feel your fWW's IC is a friend of the marriage. The IC's main objective is to help their client. Sometimes I have found that IC's have their own agenda and are biased. I feel this IC has cast you as a villain who is very controlling of Amibroken. At least that is the impression I got from the small snippet you shared with us. But, I have heard of it here and IRL before.
There is no secrets that I don't like her iced but she likes her and doesn't want to change. Maybe because she doesn't make her do the hard work.
Sistermilkshake, you may be right. Her iced is not a friend of the M.