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Newest Member: morethanjustme (44921)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: After 18 mths I have my 'Why'
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am going to respectfully take issue with NMD's post, as it makes the error or painting waywards as somehow "not like us, " in terms of their belief systems. This bothers me because I think that thinking you are safe because you believe infidelity is wrong, is dangerous.

Most waywards knew infidelity was wrong, didn't think it was an option, and most of them did not think themselves capable of it.

Since most of them knew that it was "dead wrong," the question then becomes, how could they have allowed themselves to do it anyway? The answer generally lies in ignorance about how affairs start (your wife probably did think/hope/believe she was not going to do anything when she met him), being at a compromised place due to personal or marital issues, ignorance about how addictive they are, ignorance about what keeps people hooked into them, (ironically) fear of losing one's spouse, and poor coping mechanisms.

But, just having a firm belief that they are bad? Not protective.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 6:52 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1949 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
sunnyrain
♀ Member
Member # 30164
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think loneliness is a valid WHY. I also think that a WS's feelings of being unloved in a M can certainly feed into their feelings of loneliness.

I also think that it's fairly common for a BS/WS to have completely different perceptions of the state of their M pre-A.

To the BS, who saw the M as "stable" and felt love for and from their WS, it likely seems ludicrous to them that the WS could say they felt unloved and lonely in the M. The BS often seems to have a strong desire to change the WS's mind (the WS isn't seeing straight, or the WS isn't thinking straight, or the WS is rewriting history, or needs to think harder or dig deeper until they find the right WHY which will appease the BS).

IMHO, accept the WHY (she was lonely) as a gift from your WS and recognize that this is her perception of the M (doesn't mean you have to have the same perception of the M, or that you have to agree that you didn't love your W).

Lonely isn't such a bad WHY; feeling unloved in the M isn't such a bad WHY. Both of these things can be dealt with and remedied.

Acceptance kills loneliness. Acceptance fosters love.


"I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne."

Posts: 378 | Registered: Nov 2010
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the "why" needs to be more focused on Why did you see an affair as the way out of "insert crappy feeling here." See, to me, it doesn't matter. I was resentful that i wasn't being helped around the house, our son was in Afghanistan and I was beside myself, I like to talk and hubby doesn't. Who the hell cares. My WHY is that I couldn't handle my feelings in an adult way and reached for a unhealthy and fatal coping mechanism. And THAT'S the crap that needs to change - the coping mechanism. Because God knows we'll have more bad feelings/things happen to us. Have we clarified our values, looked to other more healthy coping mechanisms?

And it's also the reason I will never buy my husband's why - because he was in such pain because of my affair. I'm sure he was. But his WHY is really - he couldn't handle his feelings in an adult mature way, same as me.

[This message edited by rachelc at 10:05 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday)]


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4908 | Registered: Dec 2010
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If my H or I had used "I was lonely" as a reason with our MC, he would have said, "why?". Loneliness may be a start point in the discussion, but it would not have been the ending point. He would have kept digging until we had explored why either of us were feeling lonely in the marriage and why he thought cheating was the solution.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1468 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
SecondHelping
♂ Member
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't really accept Lonely as a why. Hell, I was lonely too. I caused my share of problems in the marriage as did she. We both withheld love and sex for our own reasons, which made us lonely. I spent 30 years in the military and travelled the world during it. I had plenty of opportunity to cheat on my fWW, but I CHOSE not to. I didn't even think twice, and yes, many of those years...I was lonely. It sounds corny but my vows and love (even though I may not have shown it in the right way) kept me from considering cheating.

I believe lonely caused her to get friendly with AP, but the (real why) caused her to say to herself "it's alright for me to have sex with this guy without my husband knowing". That's the why I would like her to figure out.

I told her that I don't trust her IC on several occasions and even had her go see our MC as an IC for a couple of sessions. Our MC is really good, I think. Anyway, she went right back to her IC, I think because she is in some way supportive of what she did. I'm only saying that based on how she disregarded the A and wanted to know why I didn't want her to be a fireman.

(In case your wondering, her being a fireman and EMT was a plan that her and her AP conconcted. I was never consulted about this. Then after D-Day when I didn't care what she did because I didn't know if we were going to R, she asked for my blessing, even after I found out thier plan. I said no I would give it. Also, someone here on SI pointed out she liked me in uniform (military, policeman and possibly firemen) and I just couldn't. She has now joined and is an EMT, but I still don't support the fireman side of it)


D-Day 1: Feb 1990 (2 yrs into M, kissing and a hickey)
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49- Me, fWW 43- Her (Amibroken)
OP- Deputy Chief of Police from the town next to us! (Age 37)
Married 25 Years, Together 28
3 Kids (17, 14, 11)

Posts: 487 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Feeling lonely or unloved is a rationalization, not a reason "why" or better yet as some have pointed out "how" or "what".

I feel NMD's post is spot on. I feel that WS's do believe differently in some respects. FWH felt cheating was wrong. He felt his BFF cheating was wrong. He was disgusted by politicians who cheated. I would imagine, though, he probably always thought there was some cavaets. Like, if you were lonely, or you felt your spouse didn't love you, or you weren't getting enough of or the kind of sex you thought you deserved.

What is/was missing in your wife is the step between lonely/hungry/broke--->missing driving belief--->cheating/grilling up fido/robbing a bank. She needs to figure out the driving belief that allowed "cheating" to be the answer to that problem.
Exactly, the missing driving belief.
It may be a case of "fluid ethics", selfishness, narcissism, entitlement or any number of driving beliefs.
Very good. FWH was entitled to have his affair. His selfishness and his entitlement was his driving belief which over rode his belief that infidelity was wrong. Believing infidelity was wrong was not a driving belief.



BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9650 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
SecondHelping
♂ Member
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think fWW had a driving belief that cheating was wrong. A year before her affair a neighbor had an affair and the whole neighborhood knew about it. fWW badmouthed her plenty and said how wrong that was. Maybe it was just a cover, but I don't think so.

The neighbor and her H are not split up and and fWW is still friendly with cheating W. I don't know if they ever discussed cheating, both before fWWs A or after.


D-Day 1: Feb 1990 (2 yrs into M, kissing and a hickey)
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49- Me, fWW 43- Her (Amibroken)
OP- Deputy Chief of Police from the town next to us! (Age 37)
Married 25 Years, Together 28
3 Kids (17, 14, 11)

Posts: 487 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
SecondHelping
♂ Member
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I meant that the neighbor and her fWW ARE separated now. They tried to R for about year then split up.


D-Day 1: Feb 1990 (2 yrs into M, kissing and a hickey)
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49- Me, fWW 43- Her (Amibroken)
OP- Deputy Chief of Police from the town next to us! (Age 37)
Married 25 Years, Together 28
3 Kids (17, 14, 11)

Posts: 487 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been thinking about this thread some more, SecondHelping.

I wanted to point out that I don't feel your fWW's IC is a friend of the marriage. The IC's main objective is to help their client. Sometimes I have found that IC's have their own agenda and are biased. I feel this IC has cast you as a villain who is very controlling of Amibroken. At least that is the impression I got from the small snippet you shared with us. But, I have heard of it here and IRL before.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9650 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
SecondHelping
♂ Member
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you may be right, but few is doing almost everything she can to help me heal and feel safe in the M. She knows it will take a while but she seems to know it's an uphill battle. If we could just do the deep communication exercises we go back to MC.

There is no secrets that I don't like her iced but she likes her and doesn't want to change. Maybe because she doesn't make her do the hard work.

Sistermilkshake, you may be right. Her iced is not a friend of the M.


D-Day 1: Feb 1990 (2 yrs into M, kissing and a hickey)
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49- Me, fWW 43- Her (Amibroken)
OP- Deputy Chief of Police from the town next to us! (Age 37)
Married 25 Years, Together 28
3 Kids (17, 14, 11)

Posts: 487 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9650 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Topic Posts: 31
Pages: 1 · 2

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