Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What do I say? - BS response welcomed!!
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♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On the subject of trust, you have to understand that your BF had an image of you sitting at home studying while he was gone, and naturally thinking lovingly about him. Now he's going to imagine you out partying and possibly getting involved in other relationships. He doesn't trust you to sit at home and wait patiently for his return. He will wonder just what are you doing with those long, lonely evenings......

He will also wonder how you will stay faithful though a long marriage if you fall to temptation before your relationship is off the starting blocks. Make sure you have answers to these questions from BF.

As regards your confession; you can be totally up front and tell him brutally what happened, regarding your need for sex and physical contact; which may be too much for him to handle. Or you can claim that you were drunk to the point of not being able the think straight and the OM took advantage of you. Your 'crime' would then not be so much cheating, but inappropriate excessive consumption of alcohol, which rendered you unable to resist.. I can see confession being the right thing to do, but I fear if you don't bias your account in favor of being near paralytic, you might lose him. Which would be a personal tragedy since you are definitely not lacking in remorse.

I see in the wayward forum confession is quite rightfully deemed the correct approach. However is there allowance for the confession of an ONS being essentially accurate as regards the physical details, but slightly distorted as regard the degree of culpability of the WS. Watered down honesty.
As usual HGF, it will be your decision, but I fear telling him that you cheated because of loneliness and strong physical contact needs will not sit well.

Posts: 1822 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
♂ Member
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, just a quick reply:

1. Were you his first one as well? First relationship, first/only girl he has ever slept with?

2. You said

if he had skype, I have a feeling this would not have happened.
If I may be very gentle, but tough-lovey here: please don't tell him that... It looks like you are making excuses, that somehow outside factors caused you to cheat. The unfortunate truth is that people are in much more horrible/unfortunate situations in their relationship and still don't cheat. So please, please make sure you understand and he understands that the decision to go out and drink and subsequently cheat was 100% caused by you (unless you were in a drunken stupor and had no ability to consent to anything), and nothing else. If you say stuff like that, he will maybe start to think: If only I had paid to get xxx money to get wireless internet, my love wouldn't have cheated, it's my fault. And trust me, I've been there, thinking I could have done something for her not to cheat. It's a heart-wrenching thought which he doesn't deserve to think, on top of everything else.

3. You also wrote:

Hopefully I will have answers soon, because if I ever gave him anything, I wouldn't be able to live with myself.

If I understand correctly, you haven't been with him since this happened? So there's no way you gave him anything?

4. May I ask how drunk were you when you met this other guy and decided to go with him?

Thanks for your answers. I appreciate and admire your strength!

BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 315 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
♂ Member
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whatever happens, tell him what you know/think it's the truth. Given what you've written about how guilt-ridden you feel, I think is the only way you'll ever feel at peace again - knowing that you're not heading anything anymore, that he knows the complete truth, unbiased and un-"tweaked", and that he's choosing to stay despite knowing everything, not because he has been manipulated into staying by not having the whole truth.

BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 315 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
♀ Member
Member # 43178
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will not be hiding anything from him. I will also not be mentioning that had he had internet this wouldn't have happened, thats a sad excuse and it would put the blame on him. Not what he needs to hear.
As for me being his first, no, I wasn't. He had 2 partners before me. They weren't really girlfriends, just I guess more like FwB.

As to how drunk I was... That's irrelivant. I had to much to drink...... Most of the night is blurry. When I think back, it felt like the entire thing (from the time we met till the time I left) lasted all of 2 hours (about as much as I recall) but it was more like 12. I do remember at one point telling him that I had a boyfriend.. some time before the act occurred. But yet it still happened.. If I was capable of saying "I have a boyfriend" I was more then capable of saying "no".

And no, my bf and I haven't slept together since, but if I was to get something that did not present symptoms, or I did not get screened for, and the relationship were to mend, I wouldn't want to give him anything in the future (or anyone else for that matter). I realize our relationship is (if it survives) a long way from being intimate again. But still. Also, upon writing most of that, I was still unsure if I was telling him or not. here was still the thought I should keep my mouth shut. But I've decided 100% to tell him. so that doesn't matter now either.

Me: 20
BBF: 22
Dday: 28/04/14
Years together: 3.5

Posts: 51 | Registered: Apr 2014
Topic Posts: 24
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