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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: The cost of forgiveness and staying (a different take)
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This price is too high for me. To forgive has often been said that it is for YOU! I get that, but don't entirely think I can ever give that up. I won't forgive him because my hurt is too deep and too numb. To forgive and stay would be far more damaging than leaving and moving forward to forgiveness without constant reminders (i.e. him). My sanity is my price if I stay. This is not for everyone, but that's my answer.

Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 1066 | Registered: Dec 2013
Want To Wake Up
♀ Member
Member # 31583
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

from the article...
Failure to appreciate the high price paid by those choosing to forgive minimizes the magnitude of their sacrifice

other than staying faithful, how can WS make sure this doesn't go unnoticed

Catch-22...expecting the WS to continually express their appreciation is continuing to hold the debt and not forgive


It could be the WSes way of acknowledging and showing their BS that they do understand (and perhaps appreciate) the high price paid by the BS.

As rachelc said...
with forgiveness, this wouldn't be expected, but it would be nice. I've heard several here get the "I'm so glad you stuck it out with me" speech every once in a while. I'm guessing that helps?

Me 54
WH 54
Met 1978
Married 1981
DDay 2009
Latest TT... Nov 2013 (yep, 2013... not a typo!)

One man’s “fruitless conflict” is another man’s “meaningful discussion”

Posts: 477 | Registered: Mar 2011
♀ Member
Member # 38421
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Icecold: thank you for this article/post.

I'm am so there as well. I feel so like a fool, so like I've given up my dignity & self worth. I'm 17 months out & struggle with no feelings for fWH. He was unremorseful for almost 3 months after caught. Stayed in contact w her & I didn't know it. Filed for divorce after she kept telling him he needed to do that & get on with his life. She needed her ego boosting f*** buddy to stick around for her. I'm sure of that. I wanted him. I wanted to reconcile. After the treatment I got in the months after confrontation I gave up & decided to let him go. I debased myself, begged, pleaded for our children & their security, set up counseling, got books--everything & he just scoffed & pushed me off. I gave up. Found SI & the 180 & decided to let him go & make a life. I couldn't take the abuse anymore. I was beginning to feel somewhat happy in my new life even tho we were in-house separated. Well he woke up. Stopped the divorce he so desparately wanted. Wanted to work on us. I swallowed my pride & stayed so my kids would have a secure home. They took all of it really bad & we are still feeling the repercussions with them from his actions during that time. My daughter started cutting shortly after & my son is a mess right now & in counseling. They attribute it to his affair & wanting to leave us. I have paid a very high price & so have my teenage children & I'm still not happy or sure I did the right thing. It's a hard pill to swallow

I am a Christian and have felt pressure to forgive & be Christlike. I hope my H someday realizes the gift he's been given. Or, if we don't make it the weight of what he's done to all 4 of us.

This is a great article.

Me: BS 53 Him: WH 51
M: 28 years
DDay 11/25/12 TT 9/9/13
OW:20 yrs younger McOW
Kids: 2 teens

Posts: 188 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Dark Hell
♀ New Member
Member # 38318
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for posting this and all the responses. It was exactly what I needed to read today. I have been struggling with WH and R lately and needed some thing that is supportive-this was it.

Posts: 46 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 44
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3

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