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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: question about CSA...does it count if you didnt realize it?
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I was growing up I lived next to a baseball field....kids would practice there throughout the years, and there was a man who lived across the field from me who used to sit at his living room window and watch the kids play sports....he was a widower in his 80's and for years I can remember looking across the field and seeing him sit at the window.

I felt bad for him and thought he was lonely. It made me sad that he had no family or friends to visit him, so I started going to visit him....I have no idea how this started though....but I would go over weekly and sit on his front porch for a while, admiring the Venus fly traps and other plants he had out there.

He used to always sit in the same chair whenever I visited him....and most often while we sat and talked he would have his penis out of his pants and stroking himself. He never touched me or made me touch him, and at the time I didnt think much of it.....I thought he was old and senile and maybe didnt realize what he was doing...though I do remember he did it quite often.

Obviously looking back at it now as an adult I realize how wrong this whole scenario was.

Can things like this count as CSA? I was too stupid to realize what it was at the time, but could it have had more of an effect on me than I realized?


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 811 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely!

Posts: 11601 | Registered: Mar 2008
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can things like this count as CSA?
Yes.

I was too stupid to realize what it was at the time,
Oft times, we don't see it till later. Hind sight is 20/20. Doesn't mean you were stupid.

but could it have had more of an effect on me than I realized?
Yes ma'am.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 5:33 PM, April 21st (Monday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6159 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it certainly could have affected you.

I believed I wasn't affected by the CSA. Until post d-day when I really had to start digging for my whys I was certain it was just something that happened to me when I was a kid. No biggie. I was fine and completely over it. Only I wasn't.

I think this would be a good thing to process with IC.

What kind of feelings do you remember having when you were in those situations as a child? When you noticed his penis out and him stroking it?

When you tell the story now or look back on those memories what feelings do you get? What emotions are attached to your memory of the event?

Unpleasant, yucky feelings when thinking or talking about the event will tell you if you need to process it further.

[This message edited by knightsbff at 5:40 PM, April 21st (Monday)]


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1411 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
EvolvingSoul
♀ Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. It counts. A situation that should have been normal was sexualized in a way over which you had no control and without your consent. You were a kid without the emotional tools to know what was going on or what was wrong. Whatever his reasoning, the experience got thrown into your personal mix.


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 278 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know how I felt about it....uncomfortable and didn't think he should be doing it....but I also thought he didnt realize it....looking back though I guess he realized he was doing it....I never told anyone about it until years later. ...I told my mother recently and all she said was oh.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 811 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
20WrongsVs1
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Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes it counts. And quit knocking yourself, you weren't stupid. Your little-kid brain couldn't process it, and may have gone into defensive mode to protect you.

How do you feel about Mom's reaction? I told my mom a few years ago, I was like 39 years old. She glazed over and didn't respond, and never brought it up again. Ouch. After DDay we talked about it, and she said she felt guilty because she should've protected me, and "there was nothing she could do at this point anyway." IDK, Mom, a hug woulda been nice.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1108 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah my reaction to my mom is similar to what you said....obviously she cant do anything about it now but a hug or something would have been nice. ...rather than just saying oh and moving on.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 811 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 2:30 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was too stupid to realize what it was at the time

No you weren't stupid. You were a child. A child who believed that you could trust the adults that you encountered in your life. Unfortunately, *window-man* choose to take advantage of that trust.
And since from your description it sounds as if he's probably dead by now.....I really hope he took a large supply of sweatbands with him when he died. It's supposedly pretty hot down there.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7920 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 9

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