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Newest Member: What2do2014 (44300)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Should I break NC?
KJac
♀ Member
Member # 21332
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all - I haven't posted in awhile but read daily so quick update to my situation - not much to update really as it feels as if I'm in another kind of "limbo" - my STBX's last proposal from his L was a joke (my L said he couldn't believe his L wasted the time/money to send it) We live in a 50-50, no-fault state. Period. STBX has been hiding money/income from me for the last few years and apparently thinks he can continue to do so (there is enough of a paper trail to prove this). Basically my L said we're done - there is nothing to negotiate until he discloses his income. Period.

STBX has stated, repeatedly, that he does not wish to go to court (it's even in his papers) and has started to get VERY pushy with me to settle. He has texted me numerous times and has attempted to call me a few times. I do not answer his phone calls EVER and responded to the texts exactly 1 time - he said he wanted to talk to me about kids, finances, lawyers, bills and when would be a good time to call. I asked what exactly/specifically he wanted to talk about and that I would prefer a text (or any form of writing) to which his response was "NO, I prefer a phone call." This was about a week ago and my response since then has been nothing but *crickets*. I think he is/is going to try and bully/manipulate me as this is par the course. Hence the reason I maintain STRICT NC w/him. I simply do not feel strong enough to deal with him as he knows how to "play me like a fiddle".

I think he is getting seriously PISSED OFF at my NC as I have extremely limited contact for a couple of months now. There have been no emergencies, etc. w/kids so no need for any communication regarding that. DS17 graduates in May and STBX texted wondering what "we" were doing for open-house, etc. to which I simply responded I have made my own plans for date/time and he could feel free to plan his own. This made him ANGRY - I got several scathing texts including a few suggesting I at least invite his family, he'd pay for 1/2 and not come. I've IGNORED all of it. He even cornered my SIL outside a gas station last week and tried to "pump" her for info. about me, etc. (She basically told him, nicer than I'd have liked , to piss off)

So... basically what I'm wondering is if I should talk to him? Or find out what exactly he wants? I just am thinking I don't want to let him know how much I know about his finances or tip him off to exactly what my L and I are going to be asking for. But, won't he find out about this eventually anyway?? Any and all advice is welcome!!!


Me-BS38
Him-WS/STBX39
M 16yrs Together 18+
Cheated our whole relationship Multiple Ddays, Multiple OW, Multiple EAs and PAs
DS17, TwinDSs16, DD11

Posts: 272 | Registered: Oct 2008
ArkLaMiss
♀ Member
Member # 14918
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope. Crickets!


Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

Posts: 1164 | Registered: Jun 2007
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What for?

You've been clear on what you're doing.

This doesn't appear to involve your children's well being, the drove or finances.

So, let it be.

Who cares if he's steamed?


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
KJac
♀ Member
Member # 21332
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would also like to add that he has tried to threaten/manipulate me with money. He has been paying me x$ twice a month for child support (pretty near to what will probably be court-ordered when I do the online calculator for our state but not including his hidden income and SS) and the last few times he was late w/payments or shorted me $100 on one occasion. I asked him one time if he was intending to pay anything in CS for the month, he responded his "L told him not to give me any more money until this is settled", I simply responded "if you think it's a good idea not to pay anything to support your children then I'm sorry you feel that way" - I had the $ the next morning. Since then I've ignored the games and lo and behold this last time it was the full amount, on time. I do worry about what his next steps of f*ckery will be though as this is clearly not working to get me to a. comply or b. react ...

My L said if he decides to stop paying me any support (as there really is no court order to do so yet) that I should then just go down to our local social services office and apply for assistance (as I would have to to feed my kids) and then the state will go after him and that will NOT be fun for him ... Hopefully it won't come to this but I will NOT be bullied or manipulated by this POS anymore!!!


Me-BS38
Him-WS/STBX39
M 16yrs Together 18+
Cheated our whole relationship Multiple Ddays, Multiple OW, Multiple EAs and PAs
DS17, TwinDSs16, DD11

Posts: 272 | Registered: Oct 2008
hopefulfourus
♀ New Member
Member # 25204
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((hugs)))) I would agree that "crickets" is the way to go.

I really don't have any other advice right now to give you as I am just about to begin my journey down this road. My POS has also hidden income, so any advice you have to give, would be greatly appreciated! I have been copying many items and have already provided information to my attorney. But, if there is anything else, that would be great.



Me: BW. 40's
Him: WH POS. 40's
2 kids. DD16, DS14

Don't let my user name fool you...I am NOT hopeful for us at ALL!!


Posts: 48 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: New York
Bluebird26
♀ Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would break NC to only tell him via email or text that all contact to be through lawyer regarding finances etc.

Don't let him manipulate you.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1285 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Tripletrouble
♀ Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crickets!


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 617 | Registered: May 2013
KJac
♀ Member
Member # 21332
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And phone call #2 for today (ignored, of course) - no voicemail this time - earlier I got "ya, call me when you get a chance" - I almost didn't recognize his voice as it's been so long since I actually spoke to the POS (and I LIKE that)

So... a text asking what do you need? Or, yup I know, crickets, as I've already informed him to put it in writing.


Me-BS38
Him-WS/STBX39
M 16yrs Together 18+
Cheated our whole relationship Multiple Ddays, Multiple OW, Multiple EAs and PAs
DS17, TwinDSs16, DD11

Posts: 272 | Registered: Oct 2008
LifeIsBroken
♀ Member
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have made it clear to him: email or text only. No phone. Don't break that chain. It's maybe like a training process. He will need to be 'trained' that phone calls will not get any response. And any emails or texts that don't involve what you have lined out (i.e., children or finances), ignore. You know how he is; you know a phone call, no matter how well it may begin, will not have a happy ending. Save yourself the agony and ignore him. This time around YOU get to set YOUR boundaries. Do what is in your best interests.


Actions ALWAYS have consequences. Too bad cheaters don't consider the consequences BEFORE they create so much damage.

Posts: 435 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Massachusetts
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have done great. All his twisting and conniving is not going to get him out of this noose. Just let him hang himself on it in due time. You don't need to get involved more than you have for that to happen. Chirp chirp!


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 3761 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kjac .this sounds so familiar... The low ball insulting offer....FTG

You are in a game of chicken... That feeling you have anticipating his next mind F.... He has anxiety too! He is wondering if you'll have to go to court, and if you can prove what he makes, if he should lie about it and take his chances, or if he needs to fess up to it, which will really suck if he has been lying to his lawyer about it too....

He wants to talk to get a read on where you are coming from...and of course to push buttons etc. to manipulate you and do it in such a way that you can't prove what he says .... He wants to talk you out of going to court...

I let my L know that I fully expected to go to court - as X made it very clear by his offensive "offer" that I was better off with a judge deciding my financial future than depending on the X's sense of fairness. I told my L NOT to make any offer or counter offer whatsoever... And I went complete NC.

The X couldn't get a read on me...my emotions, my state of mind, nothing! I had become unpredictable, and it drove him a bit frantic, texting, emailing, pushing every button he'd ever installed.... Crickets...

At the last pre-trial meeting - the X blinked...walked in with an offer that he knew I'd be happy enough with -to avoid court, and the potential of exposing hidden income in court.

CRICKETS!!!!! TEXT and email only! Let him sweat it out. There is absolutely no benefit to you to talk to him.


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
KJac
♀ Member
Member # 21332
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all so much for your responses. I will follow your advice and continue w/crickets. I guess I sometimes just need to be reminded how it goes for me when NC is broken because y'all nailed it! I wonder why I ever even consider faltering in this but I guess old habits die hard At any rate I am doing SO MUCH better emotionally, etc. w/having nearly zero contact w/the POS. And wow, just wow, the clarity that comes when he isn't allowed to continuously mindf*ck me. Some of the realizations about my marriage and what a completely sick bastard I spent the last 20 years with have been painful but I am dealing with it (finally - no more rugsweeping for this gal) and I will continue to move forward. I like to tell my friends IRL that I have finally fully pulled my head all the way out of my arse and man are they glad to hear it!!!


Me-BS38
Him-WS/STBX39
M 16yrs Together 18+
Cheated our whole relationship Multiple Ddays, Multiple OW, Multiple EAs and PAs
DS17, TwinDSs16, DD11

Posts: 272 | Registered: Oct 2008
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another vote for crickets. Let him knock himself out - there is nothing he can do to sway you so why bother interacting.

He can huff and puff all he likes - you're in the brick house, lady. Don't you forget it.

You may be able to use all of his antics to your advantage later on so do try to see them as gifts.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5441 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 13

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