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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: encouragement
lovehonorcherish
♀ Member
Member # 41843
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looking for some words of encouragement tonight. I swear this process of divorce is going to break me before much longer! H didn't give me or our M a second thought the entire time he was getting into AP's pants but now that I have signed the paperwork to start the ball rolling...he is relentless with "Why are you doing this?" "We can fix this if you would just give it a chance." "I can be the man you need me to be." He has had a solid year to get his act together, marriage counseling, family support and what did he do? False R...completely involved with AP the whole time. Why is it so hard for him to comprehend that I have finally had enough? Why do I feel like I need to protect him from being hurt when he never once gave me the same consideration? What is wrong with me?


I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change...I am changing the things I cannot accept.

Posts: 124 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Northeastern US
DepressedDaddy
♂ Member
Member # 41521
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stay strong. You can do it. just listen to the words you wrote. Repeat them and understand that we are all here for you.

Stand your ground.


Since D I have become DDaddy 2.0 - or better known as DevotedDaddy

“Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so."


Posts: 709 | Registered: Dec 2013
one2ndchance
♀ Member
Member # 14759
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's nothing wrong with you. You admit that you've "finally had enough." That's not only normal, it's healthy.

It sounds like he's trying to wear you down. He's acting childish and needy, and you're feeling the need to 'protect him"?

Sweetie, this part is NOT healthy. He's a grown man who wants his cake. You can't fix him. He needs to do that himself...and he's not getting off to a very good start by behaving this way.

He needs to man up and accept the consequences of his actions. I'm sure you told him what you expected to R, but he continued to betray you.

Proceed with the divorce. IF... and that's a big if... he actually DOES takes the steps toward a true R, you can always put the divorce on hold....or remarry.


Me: BW 59
Him: STBXWH 61
Married: 25 years
DDay1: 2/2002; DDay2: 6/2012
Gave him his second chance and he blew it.
Divorcing

Posts: 479 | Registered: May 2007 | From: California
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please ignore what he says. A YEAR of false R. So many lies. He knew he was risking throwing you away, and he still didn't get it.

He showed you how little he valued doing the work to keep you. Remember that and don't let yourself get hoovered. If he wants to man up, he can still commit to doing the work; and if he really sees the light, he will. Now you need to focus on protecting you. He certainly didn't.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4088 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope is a devil of a thing - it can paralyse you.

I worried that I had made the wrong decision for some time after S. The extreme venom he spouted when he realised I was serious helped unburden me of that worry.

Ignore his words - watch his actions. His words mean jack shit right now. If he has real remorse he'll do the work necessary whether you are in R or S/D. If his healing is contingent on R then it will be more False R.

There is no venom in True Remorse - whether you are in R or S/D.

Most try to pull this hoovering crap (Hoovering thread http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=480828). It isn't because they have finally woken up to themselves and want to fight for their M - it is because they don't want Inge to change. They like their little Cheaters Nirvana of cake eating and don't want us to close the bakery.

He isn't hurting - he is manipulating. Change how you view his and your rose coloured glasses will fall away. You'll see it as an extension of the emotional abuse he has wreaked on your life, including but not limited to his infidelity.

Completely involved with the AP the whole time - he saw what this did to you and continued whilst pretending to be working on R. I received the same treatment and I too could not believe the cruelty. I couldn't believe what my eyes were seeing - I didn't want to.

Every time his lips are moving I remember his eyes as he lied right to my face for 3m of False R - 3m of begging/pleading/crying/wailing. 3m of "I'll do whatever it takes for as long as it takes", 3m of swearing on our children's head that I had full disclosure.

All the while most likely still fucking one or more of his OW.

He too told me all I had to do was forgive him and trust that he wouldn't do it again and I wouldn't need to hurt our kids with D.

You see what he did there? *I* was harming our kids by making this a dealbreaker - not him for cheating. In his mind he harmed our M but I killed it.

Why do you need him to comprehend it? Stop listening to him. Go hardcore NC/180 on his arse. Don't let him poison your mind with his lies. Stop giving him opportunities to mindfuck you.

I didn't want D - I had to. The only other option was to continue being lied to and cheated on. Not really a choice there.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5535 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
courageous
♀ Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like he is wanting to cake eat. He doesn't want to do the work to repair what he broke but he wants to keep you on the line.

Stay strong! You have the right to decide what your boundaries are. You have told him and he has walked all over them and doesn't care. He wants to treat you bad and for you to accept it. You are doing the right thing


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 641 | Registered: Jan 2012
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What you have to remember is that he has shown you who he ishe had the chance to improve and he did not take it. What on earth would make you think he has it in him now? He's just panicking, and it's probably about the division of assets, spousal support, etc.

Even if you did start to see improvement, tell yourself you can always reunite if you want if or when he gets his act together. Don't stop the D process for a ghost of a chance.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20027 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Look around SI, in various forums, and just read people's taglines. It is quite astonishing how many people went through long-term false R. Sometimes they found out about another affair 10+ years down the road (this is not uncommon at all.)

He's not going to change. Pretty words mean nothing. If you give in, you'll find yourself back here, whether it's one year, five years, ten years down the road. Think of your future self.

Stop the bleeding now, start healing, and in five years, you can be incredibly happy in your new life instead of having your heart broken yet again by finding out you're in false R.

You can do it. I know you have an amazing life ahead of you. This is the absolute toughest part. It was so hard for me not to give in to XWH when he was begging me to come back.

But now I'm so glad I did. I'm happier than I've ever been and now, after healing, I have a fabulous boyfriend whose treatment of me is 180 from what XWH is capable of, even on his best day.

I promise that it gets so much better.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3315 | Registered: Dec 2011
lovehonorcherish
♀ Member
Member # 41843
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone! I am moving ahead with D as planned. As difficult and painful as this process can be I try to remember: "I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change and I am changing the things I cannot accept"


I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change...I am changing the things I cannot accept.

Posts: 124 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Northeastern US
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change and I am changing the things I cannot accept"

We all know how hard all this is, but you need to let the brain take the wheel over your heart. What you said here is a great way of looking at it. We are 43,000+ strong here, and we all will offer you the encouragement you need along the way. Keep venting here and hold onto the attitude you show in your last update, and you will get through this. Believe it.


"Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it.” ― Rabindranath Tagore

Posts: 971 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
deena
♀ Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are just a good person who does not like to hurt others, even those who have hurt you.
He knows this and is trying to suck you back into staying married.
My WH has done this a few times and then just changes back. He only gets nice when he thinks he is losing our marriage.
I don't think it is me he is upset about losing....it is "our marriage".
I have become so numb to feelings for him, but still I feel bad seeing him act all hurt. It is crazy!!!!

Stay strong and just remember the list of things he has done wrong against you.
You deserve better....you deserve to be happy.

((((lovehonorcherish)))))


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 2881 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 11

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