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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Going no contact with a SO
LineInTheSand
♀ Member
Member # 20399
Question  Posted: 12:46 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, I've decided to go NC (no contact) with the goofball I was seeing. He moved away and all of a sudden, it's as though I no longer exist.

He no longer calls. He no longer emails or texts either. Prior to him moving, he was calling me EVERY blasted day!! Of course, most times he wanted to go out dancing or to meet at his place. Now?? Zip, nada, zilch.

What is up with these people? I'm left feeling sort of used. It wouldn't have worked out if he had stayed but why the crickets?

Who else has gone no contact? I do miss chatting with him but I need to move on. My gut tells me he's a womanizer but I chose to ignore it while he was here. I was lonely...loved the attention. I've been reading Baggage Reclaim and trying to make a break from SO. Obviously, he has no issue cutting ties with me.

Crazy thing was he was telling me he was falling in love with me in a matter of weeks. One evening he told me he loved me and asked me if I loved him. I said I was beginning to have feelings for him. While he was telling me this it honestly felt phony. Sort of like he was reading a script. His mother was an actress.

Another weird incident happened at his place when he supposedly was sad. He actually had to point out to me that he was crying. It was in the evening but I could not see any visible signs he was crying. WEIRD. Now, I'm thinking it was a manipulative tactic or something.

Last time I spoke with him, he said he stays in contact with the women he has been intimate with. I thought, "No way do I want to be part of his harem."

The dude is 60 years old and goes out dancing every weekend. EVERY weekend! I got that out of my system way back in my 20s...clubbing etc. The guy is great at ballroom dancing but anything else, he has no groove.

I have no idea why I fell for him. Oh yes, I was LONELY...and he's quite intelligent...one of my weaknesses in a man.

Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, anyone gone no contact? How did it work out for you? I know it has to get easier within time.

Thanks in advance for any responses.

PS I've written about this fool before so bear with me. I needed a place to vent. I have no one in real life to share with so I figured the nice folks on SI wouldn't mind hearing my sob story again.

Too bad we don't have a delete button to remove SO from our memory.

[This message edited by LineInTheSand at 10:16 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Jul 2008
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is almost a matter of practice, at least for me. When it is time to move on, I give myself a "limit". Lets say, "I'll send one more email, if I don't hear from him, then I am done."

Then, I move on. As to last SO, I did take a few weeks to mourn a little before going back on OLD. I wanted to work through it a little.

Baggage Reclaim is great to show you how they act, and it sounds like you fell for a classic manipulator. What you have described would have sent major red flags up…and the next time you start dating someone…you'll see those flags too. It was a learning experience for you. You learned your lesson, time to let go and replace those thoughts with something else.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4110 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((LineintheSand))))

It IS very difficult. I had to do that with my XSO to finally get him out of my system. He wasn't good for me, but damn, he was fun! He also liked to show off by dancing.

No way do I want to be part of his harem
Yeah, no thanks. Yuck. YOu are doing the right thing. Just hang in there. It does get easier after time, and after a while, I moved on quite nicely.... and he helped me realize also what I really truly NEED from a partner, so that my next partner could fill that instead of just wasting my time on guys that could never really go anywhere for me.

Now, I see him at work every weekend. I actually try to avoid him, because for me, it is tedious to talk to him. I don't hate him, don't love him, don't care one way or another....he is a boring topic for me. But it took over a year to get there!


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15192 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
getnbtr1
♀ Member
Member # 40540
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Going no contact has always been so very very difficult for me. It takes me A LOT to finally cut someone off, and usually doesn't happen until I really feel there is no option any more. Like, either they have cut me off, or I become disgusted, or I'm genuinely disinterested. Feeling abandoned is something I struggle with and it keeps me connected to unhealthy people and situations. It sounds like this guy has already separated himself and that NC for you would really be more a mental concept at this point....like you have accepted that he has poofed and you have moved on. I'm sorry he did this to you. It sounds like you had become invested in the relationship even though it had some warning signs in it.

Posts: 93 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: CT
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((LineintheSand)))

Reading on Baggage Reclaim really helps me get some distance from my emotions. Please do cut this guy off entirely and put him behind you. I'm so sorry he manipulated you. It's not your fault, but good to be aware that your loneliness made you prey to it.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4086 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
getnbtr1
♀ Member
Member # 40540
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After seeing the suggestion here today to look at Baggage Reclaim, I have been reading the blog and even ordered samples from her books to my Kindle to check out later. There is pure gold, wisdom, in this stuff.

Posts: 93 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: CT
mixedemotions
♀ Member
Member # 35810
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think of it as an adjustment period. I don't expect to immediately not want to talk to him anymore, he was part of my life and I enjoyed it that way, so I think it's normal to want to keep talking to him. But, wanting to and doing it are two different things. I can let myself want to talk to him and not feel guilty about it, but also see the situation for what it is and know that the feelings eventually will pass.

Continuing to talk to him would keep me stuck to someone who's not good for me, and I deserve someone who's good for me. So I let the urges come and go without acting on them and I look forward to the future.

It still hurts and is still sad, but also feels stronger and easier to get through. Focus on what you deserve, not what you had.


Me: Former BW, 28
Divorced 10/11/12
He didn't show up for the D...very fitting, seeing as he didn't show up for the M, either : )
"What did not demolish me simply polished me, now the clearer I can see" - India Arie

Posts: 381 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Back in the Southeast!
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've found the problem with this stuff is that they have filled a need in us somewhere. Every partner that we stick with for a while we do so because they are filling a need. So when we have to let that partner go, because it isn't working, that need is unfulfilled again. We don't necessarily miss the person, but we miss how we felt while we were with them. My XSO fulfilled my need for fun. I'm great at responsibility, work, studying, but I always have a hard time fitting fun in there somewhere. He was a LOT of fun.

So giving him up, to me, also meant giving up that fun. One thing that helped me is that I learned to have fun on my own. So while I missed the particular brand of fun I had with him, I did find another way to give myself that fun and it helped me during the times I wanted to answer his calls or text him back.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15192 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
LineInTheSand
♀ Member
Member # 20399
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What you have described would have sent major red flags up…and the next time you start dating someone…you'll see those flags too.

@ cmego,

I DID see the red flags but I chose to ignore them. At the time, I really didn't care. I wasn't looking for a serious relationship with him. I was enjoying the moment, enjoying the time out dancing. I wasn't expecting to get emotionally involved but over time it happened.

I never saw us as a couple because he bragged about being a free spirit (he used another term). I took that to mean he wouldn't settle down with one woman. Deep down I was glad to hear that because I didn't want anything serious with him.

But...after spending so much time with him, I guess I started developing feelings for the weirdo.

It was a learning experience for you. You learned your lesson, time to let go and replace those thoughts with something else.

You are quite right! Lesson learned the hard way! I didn't realize I'd ever have feelings for someone who I wasn't really into...but it crept up on me some how.

Note to self: Don't spend time with weird guys, you may fall for them if lonely.


He wasn't good for me, but damn, he was fun! He also liked to show off by dancing.

@ NaiveAgain,

YEP! "My" guy was fun! That's what I miss about him. He loved to dance. As soon as "Cupid Shuffle" came on, he'd be out on the dance floor.

It sounds like this guy has already separated himself and that NC for you would really be more a mental concept at this point....like you have accepted that he has poofed and you have moved on

@ getnbtr1,

Lately I've been receiving emails from him telling me his email account has been hacked. And to not open an email with the subject "news" from that account because it's not from him. At this point I don't wish to have any contact with him. I closed that account a few days ago so I'll no longer get his emails.

It's not your fault, but good to be aware that your loneliness made you prey to it.

@ norabird,

You're so right, norabird. I was lonely. I enjoyed every minute being hugged and held by him. It had been over six years since I was held by a man. I wanted/needed it so terribly. I was aching to be held.

Continuing to talk to him would keep me stuck to someone who's not good for me, and I deserve someone who's good for me.

@ mixedemotions,

Thanks! I needed to hear that. I don't want to remain stuck on him. I want to clear my mind of him. I got rid of all the trinkets that he gave me. I don't want any reminders of him.


I've found the problem with this stuff is that they have filled a need in us somewhere. Every partner that we stick with for a while we do so because they are filling a need.

@ NaiveAgain,

That's thought-provoking! He managed to get me to break out of my shell a bit. I ventured a little out of my comfort zone. I love to dance and I hadn't done that in YEARS. Of course, I don't want to go weekly either.


Thank you all for your wisdom and insight!

This truly has been a learning experience for me. I never in a zillion years thought I would fall for a guy that was clearly not right for me from the get-go. And I knew this!! That's why I thought it was safe to hang out with him. Figured I wasn't romantically interested, so I didn't have to worry about getting hurt. Boy, was I wrong!



Posts: 494 | Registered: Jul 2008
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:17 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never in a zillion years thought I would fall for a guy that was clearly not right for me from the get-go.
He was right for you at the time. You needed someone to help you break out of your shell and have some fun. There isn't anything wrong with that. I'm not sorry about the time I spent with my XSO. Like you, I wasn't looking for anything too serious with him anyway, but the feelings just came after spending time with him. I had the time of my life and I don't regret it, even with the pain. I am glad for that time.

Don't beat yourself up over this.....everything in life has a lesson for us, and he filled a temporary need. It's all good. No harm done (after you get past the hurt )


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15192 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Topic Posts: 10

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