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User Topic: feeling like I don't even know my BH
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Member # 42951
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At the end of the day what did you want ? The option to help your Aunt out if it came to that. At the end of the day he agreed with you, but only after his concerns were incorporated into that decision. So I don't really see where this situation ended badly for you. He should be able to raise concerns with you, right ?

The situation didn't end badly.

I used everything I learned in MC to get past the knee-jerk "You asked for my opinion, there it was, end of discussion" response from him & have a real discussion, one that included him articulating *why he felt the way he did. And it's actually a good example of ultimately addressing the issue as partners, etc.

But it illustrated to me that we may well come up against something else down the line where we can't bridge it.

And his initial reaction caught me completely off guard...that's why I felt like I didn't know him at all. It never occurred to me that he'd have an issue with it given his knowledge of my relative & her situation. I just wonder how many more of these situations we'll come up against...where I think nothing of some issue, but it happens to be something he has strongly held beliefs about.

BH: 42
WW: 37
LTA ended Jan. 1, 2014; NC started in April.
Married 17 years.
No DDay; this, like all of life's decisions, is a work in progress.

My best thinking brought me to SI.

Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2014
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Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi spiltintwo:

I can see why you don't have the connection. You don't seem to value his opinion anyways. Like you won't confess to him because you "already know" how he would react. He knows you would get the pot for the friend. Perhaps he has just settled into a routine with you to avoid fights since he can "never win".

So you are in the "taking it to the grave camp". How's that going for you? Pretty hard to bury isn't it? I have wondered what life would be like for me if I took it to the grave. And I can tell you one thing, I would not be where I'm at today with my healing. I spend every day working on myself. I have grown into a much better and wiser person. I would be eaten with guilt and stuck in my old mindset. I'm proud of my progress.

I think you are taking the easy way out which isn't a way out at all. NC just began this month so you have an incredibly long road ahead. I wish you well but I honestly think this will be way too hard to heal from due to the approach you have taken.

WW/BW 33 BH/WH 34
Both in IC/MC. Finally in R.
1 year old beautiful daughter

Posts: 879 | Registered: Jul 2012
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Member # 42951
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like I said: If not being willing to go the confession route forever brands me as "very much still in the Wayward mindset" & make every thread become a virtual beat down because I'm "taking the easy way out" and "denying myself & my H an authentic life," then perhaps this is simply not the proper forum for me to use while I work on me & my M.

Bowing out of SI.

BH: 42
WW: 37
LTA ended Jan. 1, 2014; NC started in April.
Married 17 years.
No DDay; this, like all of life's decisions, is a work in progress.

My best thinking brought me to SI.

Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2014
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Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And his response to any questioning on my part is often along the lines of "you don't really want to know what I think, you just want to do what you want to do & have me sign off on it."
You say this inaccurate. But its the dynamic that is there. You know everything. You "already know", you have the answer. You say you hear him, but do you actually listen? Do you actually shut up, look at him, and listen?

Oh we're talking, we're communicating. He just doesn't understand. But in truth, I was sitting there with my fingers in my ears like a 2 year old cause my way was better. Cause I knew better. And when he didn't agree, I'd shoot him down anyway. He got tired of fighting me. So he said the same thing your husband said.

I created that dynamic. He finally fell into place. And then I griped cause he was where I put him.

Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

Posts: 6407 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
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Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. So you're continuing to lie to him, ignoring his input, disregarding his opinion, and going about doing whatever you feel like doing regardless of how he feels about it and you're disconnected from him?

What are you trying to fix? Why are you staying in this relationship? It certainly isn't about love or respect.

Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier

Posts: 547 | Registered: Jun 2011
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Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

we may well come up against something else down the line where we can't bridge it.

You are wasting time worrying about something that hasn't happened yet. You are having mental arguments with him that don't exist yet.

You were wrong about "what you though" he would say about this topic. People can surprise you.

Don't judge him for not being your head. He won't know if you don't explain your line of thinking. He isn't a mind reader.

To be fair, he "had" an issue with it.

You deal with future conflicts in the same way.

To me as a BH, and you can take it or leave it, it seems like you have spent a great deal of energy looking for things to show that you aren't together.

You are only looking at his negative qualities. If you look for something you tend to find it

Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.

Posts: 2570 | Registered: May 2010
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Member # 36969
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Perhaps I wasn't clear in my last post. First, let me clarify that I am actually the BETRAYED party in my M.

I am not referring to your unwillingness to confess specifically. Trust me, if I were to address that issue directly, I would risk getting banned from posting here. Suffice it to say, I am not willing to argue with you over that fact as I do not believe you are yet capable of seeing the bigger issue. Please note that I said YET...

The point I really wish you would give some thought to (and please, do sit on it and try to let it sink in...hard, I know, as I am a bit of a debater myself) is this:

You are lying to yourself if you think that you can have an actual intimate relationship with secrets and lies. Stop lying to yourself woman! You deserve better. But you have to want it bad enough to realize that. Until you do, there is nothing anyone anywhere can say to help you.

Turn your desire to debate inward. Argue with yourself until you get good and pissed off at how you get in your own way. THEN maybe you'll find your way out of the Wayward mindset that is clearly so ingrained in you. It's not JUST about your A; it is about your whole way of thinking. Please, honey, resist the urge to debate and just reflect for a little while.

You're breaking my heart here, because I don't think you see yourself very clearly. You are better than what what you are allowing yourself to see. I hope you can find a way to remove those blinders that you seem to want to keep on.

I am so sorry for whatever it is that has brought you to your way of thinking. I hope you find your strength to really face yourself.

((splitintwo)) if you will accept them.

Find the courage to make yourself whole again. You're worth it.

DDay: October 7, 2011
R finally started in earnest: April 2014

Posts: 218 | Registered: Sep 2012
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Member # 27941
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you sure that it will be your BH who would file for D if you confessed? JMO but I think you would feel so much shame, guilt, fear, and ostrasized that you would want to run as far as you could from your family. Again JMO, but I think exposing your A would be too hard for you to handle and fixing your broken self in the light of day is really what is preventing you from confessing.

Posts: 308 | Registered: Mar 2010
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Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

perhaps this is simply not the proper forum for me to use while I work on me & my M.

I can't really see how you are working on your marriage. Although I can see how you are continuing to blame your BS for its faults.

The lack of connection you feel is largely your fault and could be corrected by you. If you so choose.

I can only hope that you are brave enough to stick around and listen to the veterans (and I'm not including myself in that category) who know what they're talking about. Bc they have learned the hard way.

Good luck in any case.

D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1085 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
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Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Many married couples have differences in their beliefs and it makes very interesting dynamics if you both value each other's take on things.

I am concerned that you have decided to plant your flag on this hill and stake your claim for all or nothing. There are other answers to the situation you described without putting yourself and your family on the line, as well as berate your H for his stance that you not break the law.

You decided to take your A to the grave. Ok. That is your choice. Not the usual recommendation, but yours to decide. I find it disturbing that you can put your H down for his ethical decision making skill set while you chose to continue skirting your own ethical issues. Your H has no idea of the condition of his own marriage. Is that acceptable and any less damaging? You are willing to break the law for a close relative to provide comfort yet you are willing to let your H suffer in a dishonest marriage?

There is a huge disconnect in your marriage, but placing the blame on your H and his beliefs is very selfish and self serving. Phrasing your willingness to break the law as his issue is just plain wrong. Are you that reckless in your need to be right? Why is he the villain in your mind?

Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.

Posts: 1582 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
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Member # 42651
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh no, you are gone! And here I was going to congratulate you for going NC and ask how it was going staying off FB. If you're reading this, remember how far you've come in the last few months. Maybe it's not 100% perfect in the SI world, but at least you are not split-in-two anymore. Keep working on the M, give more than 50%, focus on the positives in your H instead of the negatives. Once thoughts of OM and that relationship are long gone, if you're still having issues with your H, re-evaluate.
Good luck!

Posts: 232 | Registered: Mar 2014
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Member # 38337
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Split, Wherever you end up, I hope you find the help you need. As a BW, I must say that the cruelty of keeping your secret and "working on the M, valuing the M" is pretty difficult for me to understand. And I think the title of this thread is a bit ironic, since your H obviously does not know you.

Please tell your H so that he can at least get tested for STDs. I hope you are able to find the integrity and healing to be the wife that he deserves. Take care.


Lies are manipulations. Always.

Posts: 399 | Registered: Feb 2013
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Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The fact that you are leaving because a couple of posts were telling you about confession seems well....silly. in hopes that you are still at the very least reading this i'll say what I've been thinking the whole time. You have no respect for your husband. Do you know how crazy it makes me to have to defend a differing viewpoint to someone. If I say I don't like chocolate and you say chocolate is amazing that should be the end of it. Instead you will look at me and tell me to defend why I don't like chocolate for the sole purpose of shooting down reasons valid to me. I have to disagree thats not marriage thats you getting your way by beating his opinion into the ground. Marriage is about compromise not debate. I'd feel a disconnect too if everything I thought or felt that was different from what my SO thought or felt needed to be debated.

For instance xSO and I still live together. I am taking a class on morality and how it works within decision made in justice system. We have debated many of those questions, none of them have a damn thing to do with real life. Now he has a situation where he's going on vacation when really he should spend that money to take care of some personal matters. Thats how I feel about it. He feels differently. There was no debate or me asking him to defend his points or vice versa. I told him how I felt, he listened and disagreed and it was left at that. Not everything in a marriage needs to be debated. Sometimes compromise is about accepting that your opinions differ.

Sorry I got a bit rambly. I hope you find your happiness whatever you choose to do but I hope your BH does too.

Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."

Posts: 2795 | Registered: Oct 2012
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Member # 42951
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted here because I I think through things by talking. And, I believed that if anyone would understand both the validity & hypocrisy of statements like this, it'd be Waywards: "
I feel like I don't even know my BH sometimes. Or, rather, like I do know him but that we're so apart in our worldviews that I can't conceive of a way to bridge that gap."

And I posted here because I felt I could be honest here. Hell, I'm certainly willing to take my share of criticism & 2x4s. Hufi, among others, have been brutally honest with me, and for that, I am grateful.

I am leaving because I cannot be honest here. Because honestly, I intend to take it to the grave, and owning that apparently means that every conversation on SI will forever be tainted with the fact that I won't go the confession route. Who the hell may be something I decide to do later, bug for now, in this moment, it is not the right decision for either me or my family.

In the spirit of honesty, every day is a fight to stay. Not because I'd be happier elsewhere. No. Because deep down, my desire is to spend every day alone, lost in a bottle. And every day is a fight against that version of me, a struggle to be the person who can see her beautiful & loving girls and amazing husband and want to stay. Because I do want to stay. And I know the switch exists in me that can shut it all out. My dad had it, his mom had it, we know how to disappear. I don't want to disappear, not really. But the part of me that craves that path is loud indeed. I will do what's necessary to get through each day, to teach myself to be present, to not abandon my family.

It's not always simple. Life rarely is. I listen to how my husband talks about his family members as they deal with their own mental struggles. He is not a sympathetic party. It's not a space I can use for understanding. Whatnot. That's neither here nor there, and I'm rambling. Anyway, it's hard enough to get through as is. I don't need the barrage of 'you must confess, it's the only way,' too.

BH: 42
WW: 37
LTA ended Jan. 1, 2014; NC started in April.
Married 17 years.
No DDay; this, like all of life's decisions, is a work in progress.

My best thinking brought me to SI.

Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2014
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Member # 36969
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Confess. Don't confess. Your choice. Really.

That aside. Please stick around. As you said yourself, you have gotten some sound help from this site and its members.

My earlier comment about turning your desire for debate inward was made not about confessing, but as a way for you to look at yourself in a way that you are familiar and comfortable with.

Take the issue of confessing or not off the table for now. Figure you out. Work on you. But you HAVE TO be honest with yourself.

I say this not to judge you. Truly, there is no need for me to judge you. I honestly think there are parts of you that you are not seeing clearly. And I honestly believe you are more than you seem to think you are.

I don't know what else I can say. I don't think you will hear me; I think that desire to debate will color my words and you will want to argue every point that's made.

I say that only because I have been there myself. My circumstances were different, infidelity was not involved. But so much else is similar.

Good luck.

DDay: October 7, 2011
R finally started in earnest: April 2014

Posts: 218 | Registered: Sep 2012
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Member # 30164
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending you almost the exact same message I just sent to Brknbtrfly:

I understand if you feel you must leave SI, but I really wish you wouldn't.

I hear you. I support your personal efforts. I believe in you. Stay strong!

"I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne."

Posts: 450 | Registered: Nov 2010
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Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I do understand. I am taking infidelity out of the equation for this.

BH and I are very dissimilar. In politics I'm as left and liberal as they come, he's conservative. We disagree on practically every big topic!

I am passionate and like Ascendant I grew up in a family where debate was encouraged. I am very good at arguing my point, I am articulate and really enjoy thrashing out issues. BH, not so much. He hates it in fact.

Even without huge intellectual debates, BH challenges me. Just a brief 'in passing' conversation about the headlines that day will reveal a world view I hadn't considered before. I adore my BH for that, he forces me to look at things from a different angle. I may not agree with him but it's still interesting to see things from another point of view.

You spoke about respect, or lack of it, because of differing opinions on things. I can relate to that. I find my BH's opinions on some topics VERY challenging indeed, even upsetting at times. But on the stuff that really matters? How to raise our children, how to get along as a family, our hopes, our dreams... we're on exactly the same page.

So who cares if he has an opposing opinion on drugs, the death penalty, abortion, the economic crisis? That stuff isn't really important. What's important is the stuff going on within the four walls of our home, under our roof, between us.

Try to look at your differences as a good thing. Let his opinions challenge you, don't steam roller him with your own - you can't be right all the time!

You may be chalk and cheese but that's not always a bad thing. You have the power to change the dynamic between the two of you. If you work on yourself, do your bit to improve the communication, I bet my life he'll respond positively.

Me - 27
Him - 27

My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.

Posts: 1261 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
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Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Split

Since you've made it very clear you prefer to avoid consequences for your actions.

Just something to ponder.
Is it possible your need to debate a course of action with your BS(or anyone else) and convince him/them of the rightousness of your POV, is a defense mechanism to avoid total blame if the shit hits the fan.

Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
Deeply Scared
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Member # 2
Shutup  Posted: 5:39 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

***As a member***


wow, what a crappy thing to say to someone that already has expressed they're leaving the site due to remarks like yours.



I sent you a PM

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.

Posts: 198766 | Registered: May 2002
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Member # 42951
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's all so cliche.

AP is an alcoholic. I am, too, only I'm in the dry drunk category. Hadn't had a drink since 21, when I quit because I was in college & finding it contributed to me doing stupid things. I didn't quit because I was an alcoholic, I quit because when I turned 21, it wasn't as fun. When it's legal, you're not getting away with anything.

Fast forward a dozen years, throw in depression that was triggered by PPD which I never shook, and add alcohol back in. "I'm in my 30s, I can have a few, right?" As an alcoholic from birth, from the disease perspective, my body picked up as if I'd never missed a drink. Once I restarted, I was quickly finding ways to binge drink a 12 pack, AP fostered that (of course), & so on.

In Sept 2012, I consulted with my doc about my depression & my drinking. She put me on meds. After about 18 months, those did fix what had been "off" in my brain, and I've been off meds for a couple months now.

Anyway, I feel things more authentically myself than I have in years. I actually cried while owning my escapist desires, which is new for me--for years, that's all been looked at with a clinical detachment.

And I'm trying. I get that some of you were able to just rip off all the bandaids, throw it all out there, and work through it all at once.

I can't. It's one day at a time for me. A daily assessment of what I'm doing. Conscious decisions to replace behaviors & a keen awareness of a total desire to replace my negative traits with a new addiction. I have to get back to dealing with things buried for 30 years. For the first time in ages, I feel like I can go there.

I like SI because it's a check on me, & I don't truly want to quit it. I can put something out here that I'm struggling with & get a fresh read, someone to call me on what I'm saying or see through it to find the truth. Maybe I just need to go back to the stop sign security blanket until I'm further along in this process. I know much of what I post will be trigger-y for some, so that's likely the best route for all here.

What I do know is that if I feel like I have to lie, I'll just quit participating here. Being honest here is a reflection of me being honest with myself, sharing here is a version of arguing with myself. The entire point of participating is to authentically share & work to find a better me, and by extension, a better M. And for me, right now, that's focused on fixing my foundation, finding my feelings, being content in my own skin again. And that is not something I can do by bringing the destruction of confession into my M. I want to survive this. I have to get through my damaged self the only way I know how. Confession, for me, is the ultimate enabler of my worst self. I may change my mind down the line, but for now, it's exactly what I don't need--total permission to check out of this life.

BH: 42
WW: 37
LTA ended Jan. 1, 2014; NC started in April.
Married 17 years.
No DDay; this, like all of life's decisions, is a work in progress.

My best thinking brought me to SI.

Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2014
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