SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My BW posted her story. She's chefwifie and having nothing to hide anymore you can find that story here:

The post is "reaching for hope..." in the General forum.

http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=529050

My original post is here, in the wayward spouse forum ("First Post"):

http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=528918

I didn't realize how bad the first EA was and I can tell you I was definitely in the fog. I grieved over it like it was real and it took me a few weeks of non-contact to realize that it wasn't. I begged my BW to let me just talk to the AP and console her after D-Day. Can you believe that? I mean, what in the holy phuck? I didn't have a life with that person and we weren't paying bills together and I wasn't going to take care of her kids. I didn't love her, I was just in love with the idea of her. It makes no sense and was all kinds of wrong and I probably needed counseling then. It was not "grade-A hawkshite". We healed for a couple of weeks and then moved on together, but didn't really make any significant changes. I'm not making excuses, I'm just saying I realize now that we should've been working hardcore on ourselves, and for a long time and not becoming super-friends with another couple with their own issues. Hindsight is 20/20 though, right?

So far the other BS's are telling her I should pick my sh!t and send me on my way. I was just starting to feel slightly hopeful and find some way to not hate myself and feel like a horrible person but now I feel nauseous again.

Both times sound horrible. I've already posted my thoughts and feelings in my first post. Nothing has really changed. My words are meaningless right now but I really am committed to her and my family. I can't believe the best advice other BS have is for her to leave me and lawyer up.

It's painful to read her story. We just talked and I told her I will honor her request and stay out of her thread, but that she is welcome here on the wayward side. I could use some hugs and strength too. I have never cheated on her any other time than what we're talking about. And I've told her that if she still wants to leave after things have cooled off and after counselling and after even seeing all the changes I've made, am making, and how much I'm desperately trying to communicate with her and fix myself and fix us, then I won't stand in her way. Like I said before I'm determined to get my honor and integrity back regardless. But I'm just trying to have hope, and that's hard in the face of people telling her to leave me. "Leave the selfish ******, he doesn't deserve you..." Horror at the realization that it's me they're talking about. Our first counselling session is tonight. I hope this women is a miracle worker; she was listed as being among the 10 best in our city. I thought today would never come. I know it's only the first time and won't be a miracle cure for anything, but I am desperate to begin healing us. These aren't just words.

[This message edited by RomanticInnocenc at 3:59 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]

BS here too.

I read and commented on your BS's post but I had a couple of questions.

Are you planning on getting into IC? I know you said you are going to be doing MC but IC is definitely something you should be looking at.

Have you stopped all contact with the OW? No texting, emailing, FB messages....no contact at all?

Does the OW's BH know?

Pick up a copy of "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" by Linda MacDonald and read it.

You have a lot of work ahead of you. Breathe. You can do this.

RomanticInnocenc...

You have a PM.

I think you should ask for a stop sign from the moderators.

You don't need to get beat up here, a safe place for you to share with those of you who have walked in your shoes and sat in your hot seat. Please put up a stop sign.

I understand exactly how you are feeling. DO NOT look at her posts - it will only cause you more pain and you will not be able to heal as a person or couple.

You know what you did was wrong. You are ashamed of what you've done. I shake my dumb ass head all the time now wondering how I became so lost that I would leave my wife and baby and no be willing to let AP go sooner than I did. I have my reasons, but truth is I wasn't ready to let her go until I was.

I don't need to read your wife's story to help you. Focus on IC. Focus on healing. Focus on making right with yourself.

We are here for you.

[This message edited by brokeback at 9:14 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]

Yes, yes, you're absolutely right. I do understand the gravity of my actions. And I do understand why they are telling her to leave. I wasn't thinking I should feel ok with myself or anything, I was just thinking it might be ok to feel a twinge of hope for our relationship. And I was just venting that it sucks knowing people are talking so negatively about me. I completely deserve it. But it still sucks and it still feels horrible and I guess I just wanted someone to tell me everything is going to be OK and I'm not in this alone, but you're right, I deserve to feel horrible about this forever and be reminded about this forever and apologize forever.

I know she can walk out the door at any time and I *will* work hard every day of my life. And I know this is about me and what I did. I do hate the person I became. Everyone says to show actions and not words, well I'm not sure what those actions are, other than trying to get as much support as possible and trying to talk about things if she wants to talk, or give her space if she wants space, or make her breakfast if she wants breakfast (she called me her slave this morning, jokingly, but that's fine, I will play the role). You're right. I don't ever want to get complacent or sweep anything under the rug this time. Please continue to 2x4 me. I do want to be able to look in the mirror and be proud of what I see.

I will ask MC for an IC recommendation tonight, and I will go.

lease continue to 2x4 me

SelfishHusband...

There is a reason that person was flagged. Please do not encourage members (BS's) to break this forums guidelines.

You do not need to feel horrible about this forever. Feeling horrible forever will help no one. At some point we all need to find self-forgiveness, but I think you need more self understanding now.

You need to understand why you strayed and betrayed. You need to "want" to be a better spouse and partner. You need to be willing to do the work everyday; walk it and talk it.

Definitely put yourself in IC as well as MC.

You have a long hard road in front of you. Be gentle with yourself as you trek through it.

We have been there. It's hard and painful.

Good luck.

No stop sign. RomanticInnocence is right. I need 2x4's, not sugar coating. I need more than a safe place to vent. I need to realize that there is another side to this. The side of those I've hurt who have their own pain and venting they need to do. Why would I want to feel even slightly better so soon? Ludicrous. Those of you who've been there before and know exactly what I'm going through, please feel free to call me out on any bull. My feelings right now are irrelevant. I want to get down to the very root of my issues and heal completely. I know I have problems. Maybe I should write that on my arm or something: "You have problems"

Thank you to everyone who is replying. It means a lot to me.

Selfishhusband...

I've already flagged you once for encouraging members to 2x4 in this forum.

Please stop it.

Deeply Scared: You can put up the stop sign if you feel it should be put up. I'm not trying to make waves or encourage anyone to break the guidelines. I honestly don't mind replies from other BS if they're going to help me or if it's what I need to hear.

BS replies are fine, but BS's are not to swing 2x4's in this forum...that's why I keep telling you to stop encouraging them to do

Selfish husband,

The part you are missing is if you get 2x4'd, we all get it!

And it's NOT what you need. If you feel you do, get it somewhere else. I only want safe, supportive, understanding voices on this board.

brokeback...

This forum is much more than just calm supportive voices...it's hard truths and perspectives that focus on looking inwards.

Please don't tell a new member to go somewhere else for support.

Geez...I feel like I'm herding cats in this forum today!

Have you stopped all contact with the OW? No texting, emailing, FB messages....no contact at all?

Does the OW's BH know?

Pick up a copy of "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" by Linda MacDonald and read it.

The OW from the EA is long gone. The OW from this PA: We never really texted or messaged. I'm not in the fog over her. In fact, ever since discovery I haven't even given her a second thought. All I can think of is my BW and how I neglected the stuff that really matters with her and how I should've just been really listening to her and really talking to her all along.

The OW's BH knows. My W gave me the opportunity to tell him before she did. Of course he sent me some very angry messages and told me to rot in hell.

My copy of the book you mentioned (and a few others that I mentioned in my other post) arrives tomorrow. I will read them religiously and repeatedly.

I guess I just wanted someone to tell me everything is going to be OK and I'm not in this alone, but you're right, I deserve to feel horrible about this forever and be reminded about this forever and apologize forever.

I understand the desire to punish yourself, but be careful with that. Beating yourself up, calling yourself names, wallowing in shame - that feels "right" for a while because you think you deserve it, but eventually you'll get tired of it, and it really doesn't do anything to actually heal your issues. My H made himself physically ill with shame, called himself worthless, cried when he picked up our daughter from daycare because "he didn't deserve to be there with all the 'good' dads" . . . but eventually he got tired of feeling bad about himself and went back to old, bad coping mechanisms - because he hadn't done any real healing it was easy for him to do so.

You don't deserve to feel horrible about this forever. And you WILL be ok. I'm not saying your MARRIAGE will necessarily be ok, but you will, IF you take those negative feelings you have right now and use them as fuel to power yourself into making real POSITIVE changes in your life. Look deeply into why you did what you did and work to fix those faulty decision-making processes.

Broke back suggested IC. I think that's a fabulous idea. I said the same thing on your BW's thread - marriage counseling didn't help my H and I very much. Both of us going to IC - yes, that did help. Good luck to you, it's a hard road but worth it.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 9:44 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]

I meant go somewhere else to get the 2x4.

I never used the word calm voices. I'm okay with hard plain truth, just not the hammering with blunt hurtful objects

I'm done with this one. Thank you

[This message edited by brokeback at 9:59 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]

SelfishHusband,

Personally, I think you need IC before MC. You need to work through your issues before you can work on your marriage. There are people that do both at the same time, but in order to go in with everything you got, start working on yourself today.

There are a couple of great books you need to read also. 'Not just friends' and 'Emotional Infidelity'. They will both open your eyes and help you understand the destruction your A has caused as well as understanding boundaries.

You and your BW have a long road toward healing. It isn't easy and honestly, its never 'done'. You need to work on yourself, you need to do more then just saying you will do what ever she needs. You need to take a good hard look into that mirror and see beyond the image reflected. Dig into that reflection and dissect it, piece by piece.

You can do it as hard as it is. Do it for you.