I am finding myself 15 months out from discovery feeling a lot of resentment towards the betrayed wife of my wife's AP. There is a part of me that feels a shared experience with that person based on our mutually devastating situations, which should generate some empathy on my part. We had been friends prior to discovery as a part of the larger couple 'friendship' and ours was essentially the only one that was genuine (odd in that we were not close).
Anyway, upon discovery, the BW sent my WW a tirade of vitriolic and condemning insults via text, which I believe played a part in her suicide attempt. The BW proceeded to mail back a gift that my WW had bought her with the words "Home Wrecker" written on the envelope.
The BW also left a few voicemails on our answering machine in response to feedback that my WW gave to a work colleague regarding the A, which the BW felt would compromise the potential success of an aspiring politician 'friend'. My WW's work colleague had political connections that this person felt would benefit him in the future, and felt that my WW had sabotaged his career by commenting to the colleague about how hurt she was regarding this person's reaction to the A. I do feel that it was a mistake for my WW to disclose the A to the colleague, but the last thing I cared about soon after discovery and WW's suicide attempt were the political ambitions of some guy that I casually knew.
I attempted to respect the BW's privacy after discovery and in no way tried to contact anyone from her family about it. She unfortunately did not show the same respect for me. I have learned that shortly after discovery, the BW was posting on facebook about what a wonderful husband and father to her children the AP was. The whole thing makes me nauseous, as the AP was at best a tremendously inconsiderate and troubled person and at worse a total lowlife (I do not have the benefit of hearing his reasons for doing this).
In any event, the only person that the BW had to blame was her husband. He is the one that swore a vow of loyalty to her and he is the one that ultimately allowed a stranger into her life to develop a relationship with her and her kids. The BW has every right to feel however she wants about my WW, but the person accountable to her is her husband.
09/11/1999: started dating
03/2003: moved in together
01/24/2013: found out (affair started 05/2009)
However, I feel the BW is doing what she needs to do to heal. Who cares what she posts on Facebook. You know the truth of who he is.
I attempted to respect the BW's privacy after discovery and in no way tried to contact anyone from her family about it. She unfortunately did not show the same respect for me.
In any event, the only person that the BW had to blame was her husband.
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
a tremendously inconsiderate and troubled person and at worse a total lowlife
and didn't deserve any more of my energy. That day was a revelation and I have not looked back.
Like you said, it's the WS that you/we should have issues with, not the AP.
In any event, the only person that the BW had to blame was her husband.
not so fast. We've had discussions on here about blaming the AP or not. I think the BS can blame anyone they want to. Did your WW think she would get out of this unscathed? She chose her actions, she doesn't get to choose the consequences.
It's my opinion that every human being has an obligation to watch each other's back. Your WW didn't do that for this BS. She broke the human being code, the girl code, the Mom code. What did she think was going to happen? that she'd get a pat on the head from this person?
Hopefully the BW will start her own healing soon. But your wife invited crazy into both your lives when she embarked on an affair.
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...
Anyway, upon discovery, the BW sent my WW a tirade of vitriolic and condemning insults via text, which I believe played a part in her suicide attempt.
Be careful with his. Suicide is a very personal decision. To get there you have to be in a place so deeply dark and desperate that you can't see any other way out. No one can put you their. Your wife's suicide attempt is hers to own. I'm sure that the harassment she was getting from the BW didn't make her feel any better, but if she didn't get her sense of self esteem from external sources and if she wasn't already deep in despair there is nothing anyone could have done to push her there.
Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.
If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world
- Harry Chapin
The point of my topic was to express how hurtful I felt the AP's BW response was to me, in that I do not feel that she was considerate of my emotions after discovery based on her actions. It was my home too that she was sending a letter with "Home Wrecker" written on it. It was my home too that she was leaving voicemails on regarding her disgust at WW's actions. I did not respond in kind, although I have been told by friends that they would have waited on the doorstep of the AP to confront him.
In other words, the A had been a tremendously invasive and devastating period in both my life and the AP's BW's life- she was not the only one hurting. Believe it or not, I did not welcome the BW's comments, yet had to be subjected to them nonetheless.
Sistermilkshake- any voicemail that BW left on my machine was IMO left for my family, in that they would have been exposed to it. In terms of the BW doing whatever she needs to heal, whatever that is should not be at my expense- I should not be looked at as collateral damage. I feel that she completely disregarded my feelings in responding the way she did. Regarding the AP sharing equally in the blame of an A, how much trust can you place in a stranger? My WW had already slept with AP by the time she met the BW, meaning there was never a friendship there. The AP had sworn a vow of loyalty and faithfulness to his BW. The AP promised to honor and protect the BW. My WW made no such vows. This does not excuse her behavior and again, I find it disgusting and completely unacceptable, but the blame for BW is on the husband, just as I must blame my WW for bringing this into our life. Any stranger off the street could potentially disregard my well being, and I am aware of that. My wife should not be doing so.
rachelc- the consequences of my WW's actions should not include my feelings being disregarded by the BS. I did not act in kind to her in this way, and I would expect her to respect my privacy. My WW broke the human being code, and the toll on me, especially after discovery, was and is unreal. The BW's spouse broke the same code with me, and yet I am not sending letters to their home, leaving voicemails on their answering machine, or in any other way attempting to impact their lives any more than they have already been. BW showed no such consideration for me.
I really intended for this topic to express my pain at how BW responded after discovery, not to alleviate the blame of my WW. My apologies if that got misconstrued. Again, thanks for the feedback.
Regarding my comments on the suicide, I have made these based on input received from WW over the course of our MC. WW describes completely losing it once it became evident via the texts that BS knew all the lovely details of the A, and somehow that which WW was able to decompartmentalize for so many years suddenly became all too real. Absurd I know. I'm still scratching my head over all of this. The most tragic part was that both parties had an easy 'Out'. For some reason, they agreed to proceed with a pre-scheduled meeting between the couples even after having made the mistake of a one night stand under inebriated circumstances. We never had to meet them, they never had to meet us. WW could have kept her secret forever, or disclosed it to me and hoped for forgiveness. The last option I would think she would have chosed was to go forward with the meeting. "Do you think it would be awkward if we all still met?" she asked AP shortly after the first time. WHAT?!
I understand your resentment that BW wasn't considerate of you and your family. However, I agree your WW brought this on. We have no control over how other people handle situations and your WW invited this into your lives.
Believe me, I have the deepest sympathy for you mpb1974. It sucks that you continue to suffer from collateral damage. But, I can't bring myself to condemn the BW. She is different than you on how she handles stuff. If the BW is continuing to harass you and your WW I would send a NC letter.
When was the last time the BW contacted you or your WW?
eta: we cross posted, so my questions are answered.
[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 11:45 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]
In any event, the only person that the BW had to blame was her husband. He is the one that swore a vow of loyalty to her and he is the one that ultimately allowed a stranger into her life to develop a relationship with her and her kids.
I am sorry that you got hurt even more because of what you wife did but I will never subscribe to the theory the only one to blame is your own spouse who "made vows" to you. I just read a post in JFO who asked does it count if you are not married? Well, most say it surely counts, whether you are married or not.
But I would guess if they are not married, they didn't say vows, but it was assumed they would be exclusive. (Just like I think we have a reasonable assumption somebody out there should not be having sex with our spouse whether or not they ever actually "vowed" not to).
And when these people (both our spouse and the OP) do this to us, it HURTS! I would agree with you if the other BS is blaming ONLY your wife, but that probably is not the case even though it might appear that way.
I left messages and sent a letter about the OW being a homewrecker too. I will NEVER apologize for it though I do feel bad if that brought her H additional pain.
I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.
Your WW was very much involved in the BW's children's lives. BW encourages her children to respect, love, spend time with your WW.
Any feelings the BW has for your WW are absolutely justified. Your WW involved herself with this poor woman's children. I can't begin to imagine the pain and rage that a BS would feel in that situation..but Im sure it's horrifically overwhelming.
IMO, it's one thing to go after..and have a LTA with someone' spouse...it's another to involve yourself with the children.
Im sorry you were caught in the crossfire of the BW's pain and anger. But your WW brought all of this upon herself..and you.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Bobbi_sue- thanks for your feedback. I was not attempting to make a blanket statement about all affairs when I suggested that the BS had only her husband to blame for the A. I was referring specifically to this particular A, based on my knowledge of the events. My wife was not at the time, nor ever was going foward, a friend to the BS, in that she had already slept with AP before meeting BS. She was nothing more than a stranger, and I feel that the people who are supposed to care about you should protect you in that circumstance. If your kid invites an aquaintance into your home without your permission, do you hold your child accountable if something goes missing? How can I blame the AP for an A that my WW was perfectly willing to proceed with? Who had a responsibility to honor, respect and protect me? My partner of (at the time) 10 years, or a stranger I had never met prior to him having sex with my WW? I certainly feel disgust for AP and would not shed a tear if he met with misfortune, but I do not blame him in the traditional sense. He failed his family, not me. Again, we are going to have to agree to disagree.
While understandable, I am sorry to read that you are struggling with resentment towards AP's BW. I am assuming that the actions you mentioned (emails, voicemails from AP's BW) took place a while ago and you are just now reacting to them (possibly since things are more stable in your home now)? If so, perhaps it will help for you to understand that AP's BW's words/actions were coming from a place of extreme upset and hurt so soon after D-day. And, while it is not fun to be on the receiving end of hurtful words and actions, hopefully the purging of AP's BW's feelings have helped her regain some peace of mind.
As to your own peace of mind, I'm glad that you chose to post your hurt and pain here at SI instead of contacting AP's BW. Personally, I do not buy into the idea that an AP's BS has carte blanche to do whatever they need to do to AP/AP's family in order to heal. Continued ugliness and contact only promotes more ugliness and pain.
Breaking the pain cycle between your family and AP's family is wise, and IMHO the easiest way to ultimately find your own peace in such a painful situation. Like they are fond of saying here, NC = no new hurts!
Best of luck and continued healing to you and your family.
confused615- I would thank you for your comments, but they seem to be very condemning of me in particular. Again, I am not attempting to excuse my WWs behavior- I'm more disgusted with her than you could ever imagine. "Any feelings the BW has for your WW are absolutely justified." I completely agree. Having feelings towards someone is one thing. Expressing them through mail and phone, in which a person just as innocent in the matter and just as hurt as you will be further pained, is another altogether. "IMO, it's one thing to go after..and have a LTA with someone' spouse...it's another to involve yourself with the children." Outright disgusting, agreed. Who permitted access to the children to begin with? The AP, which is to say that he holds the blame in that regard. My WW should hold the disgust. I realize that this is an open forum and that members will not always hear what they want in response to their topics, but I found your post to be particularly insensitive and hurtful. I am quite aware of what my WW did and how it must have affected the BS. But just as I made no attempt to contact the BS family with a barrage of insults, I would have expected her to show me the same respect.
sunnyrain- thanks for your very well balanced thoughtful response. I must come to accept that the comments made by BS ultimately were not intended to harm me. I think subconciously I feel resentment because I have never had the chance (or perhaps courage) to respond to the AP in the same manner that BS did with my WW.
confused615: try to imagine having a normal life one day and the next finding out that your wife has been cheating on you for the last almost 4 years, that the guy she introduced to you under the guise of friendship is the AP, that all of this went on while you were becoming engaged and married, and to top it off rushing home from work and finding your wife just after she had attempted suicide. I think that is pretty 'horrifically overwhelming' too, and that was my immediate reality as I received these contacts from the BS via mail and phone. Having children does not validate your pain more so than someone who doesn't, and it doesn't make your pain any more 'special'. I was/am in just as much pain as this poor woman. Again, if you will pardon my outrage, I really find your comments insensitive.
Don't blame her for her reaction, she was thrown into a meat grinder by your WW & her WH. Of course she reacted emotionally, I just don't get how you think someone could be objective to your WW after what you said timeline of friendship was.
Hell the AP partner was lucky I didn't run her over.
Simple question to assess blame - Who started this ball rolling? It wasn't the BW.
"Of course she reacted emotionally, I just don't get how you think someone could be objective to your WW after what you said timeline of friendship was."
Do you know how many voicemails, texts, emails, letters, etc. I sent the AP after discovery and to this day? Zero. I don't expect objectivity from the BS regarding her feelings on the A and my WW. I presume, and rightfully so, that she thinks very little of WW, to put it lightly. I do expect not to be exposed to BS's outrage at my home, especially while I am already going though hell.
"Simple question to assess blame - Who started this ball rolling? It wasn't the BW.". Who do I assess blame to for sending the unwanted contacts to my home? The person that sent them, the BS. To then be told from others that BS posts shortly after discovery on facebook what a wonderful husband AP is made it further outrageous. I'm not blaming BS in any way for the A. In many ways I had hoped that she would have been some kind of an outlet for me to express my pain, given her similar situation. That never happened, perhaps for the best.
Having children does not validate your pain more so than someone who doesn't
No, having children doesn't validate pain, but when those innocent children are involved in something as grossly adult as an affair even under the guise of just meeting mommy or daddy's "friend" (and quite often their children) it is a special knife to the heart of most people. I was devastated that my WH had a LTA, I was traumatized that OW had been intimate with my WH, BUT I went INSANE when I found out my children had been involved. I was honestly murderous at the thought of my sweet, innocent, trusting children being in the same vicinity as the two of them without me present (probably wouldn't have changed my feelings of anger if I had been present!).
It's a different level of hurt when children are involved. The protective instinct kicks in because in reality the WS and AP are grooming the children to accept something that should never even be a part of their lives. It creates all kinds of crazy at the thought that the WS and AP are in some respects already trying to replace the BS with the AP.
It ratchets up the pain a notch for most mothers and fathers I would assume.