Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: ReasonableDoubt (44577)

General Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: W-exGF's Party (Followup)
Steve55
♂ Member
Member # 41621
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,

Just a followup to this thread (http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=527989&HL=41621 ) about my wayward exGF's 40th birthday party. Even though I'd thought we had both moved on, I was the only person from our office that wasn't invited.

The married OM wasn't there. I'm not surprised because she has kept this very undercover and there were a lot of people there who would have wondered who he was.

I've heard, from people who did attend, that the party was basically the ex's self-love-fest. She had photos of herself at various stages in her life hung around the room at the restuarant and everyone fawned all over her. I'm not surprised, because she has always needed this kind of self-gratification, especially from guys.

Anyway, even though I'm glad I wasn't there and wouldn't have gone, this being secret brought back all the feelings of betrayal and secrecy that I felt when I first discovered her affair with the married OM. It was a bit of a relapse for me in terms of healing. She told people not to discuss this in the office because she couldn't invite everyone. Well, I was the only one she didn't invite. All the while, she was acting like nothing was going on. That was so much like when we were dating and she was secretly hooking up with the OM. I feel all of the hurt and betrayal all over again..

[This message edited by Steve55 at 1:34 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]


Posts: 113 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: West Coast
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry that that hurt. Perhaps this is an opportunity for you to root out why it hurt you, and see if you can replace that emotion with utter indifference towards her and her actions?

And in a snarky sidenote, if it was a love fest for her, then no wonder she didn't want a reminder that she has the ability to act like an asshole in the same room.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4671 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Steve)))))


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4019 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand your hurt and pain Steve55. It just flat out sucks. Nothing you can do about that party but it does sound like a narcissist love fest. Honestly, can you imagine having been there? Yawwwwnnnn. Yuk. Sounds like you are so much better without this person. Remind yourself of that and don't look back. Keep looking forward.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1904 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
IWantDoOver
Member
Member # 39440
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Steve,
Gently, How long did you two actually date? It sounds like your Dday was last August.

If you've been grieving a relationship longer than you were actively in the relationship, then I encourage you to seek IC to help resolve your lingering feelings.

I'm just afraid when college courses end for summer break that you'll have another setback. If, however, you start IC and move forward with healing -- you could enjoy your life this summer.

What do you think?

(((Steve55)))


Peace

Posts: 212 | Registered: Jun 2013
Steve55
♂ Member
Member # 41621
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Skan: I think the hurt comes from two things; 1. It caused me to relive the months we were together while she was hooking up with the married guy, (Apparently not only at her apartment, but also in her office at night and in the faculty parking lot) hiding it and acting like I was the only one, and 2, I'd thought we'd moved on from this and I let go and forgave her for the sake of us working togther civilly. It felt very odd to be the only one left out of our office that was there, or among her friends, of which I was also a part at one time..

Thanks, Norabird, for the hug. You always give great hugs! :)

Dear Yearsofpain25, It was a self-lovefest. Honestly, I can't imagine ever throwing myself a party and putting up pictures of myself all over the place. That's her, though.. It does suck, for the reasons I told Skan.


Posts: 113 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: West Coast
Steve55
♂ Member
Member # 41621
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear IWantDoOver,

We were in a relationship for about a year, but we have known each other for 8 years.

I have been thinking about IC. I would have liked to have been in it when I found out about the party a few weeks ago. I honestly don't have any lingering feelings for her. It's more mourning the end of our friendship.

I have come to realize that I really don't want to be friends with someone who'd do that to me, not to mention cheat on the OM's wife and four kids. Add to that her constant need for having her ego stroked and I know a continued romantic relationship would not have worked.

Courses end this week, but I am here this summer. She will be away a lot, which I hope helps me heal. I think it will because I do a lot better when she is away.

Thanks for the hug too :)

Gently, How long did you two actually date? It sounds like your Dday was last August.
If you've been grieving a relationship longer than you were actively in the relationship, then I encourage you to seek IC to help resolve your lingering feelings.

I'm just afraid when college courses end for summer break that you'll have another setback. If, however, you start IC and move forward with healing -- you could enjoy your life this summer.

What do you think?



Posts: 113 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: West Coast
Steve55
♂ Member
Member # 41621
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One last thing on this..(It's funny what you think about at 3:00 AM when you can't sleep), but I'd like to hear what you guys think.

I think we all agree on one simple fact; that for a person to be willing to be in an adulterous relationship, they have to be pretty self-involved and put their own needs before others, not caring how many people are affected.

My ex certainly fits this description. She's been in a long term A with a married guy with four kids. She suspects people may know, and her response was not to end it, but to take it further underground, even though discovery would almost certainly end her teaching career being that she is in a high position at a Christian college.

If you combine that with how she put old pictures of herself up at her birthday party, for instance, and let everyone fawn all over her, it becomes clear that it's always all about her, which is why she was ok with lying to me ("I don't have sex before marriage because I'm a faithful Christian woman.")all the while hooking up with a married guy.. Realizing that, along with all of your support, is helping me to move on.


Posts: 113 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: West Coast
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agreed Steve55. I have a narcissist in my life and I don't use that word loosely, but it was the first word I thought of when I made my last post. She may not be an extreme NPD, but she certainly displays some characteristics of one. Self centered, self serving, entitlement. All present and accounted for.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1904 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Steve55
♂ Member
Member # 41621
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agreed Steve55. I have a narcissist in my life and I don't use that word loosely, but it was the first word I thought of when I made my last post. She may not be an extreme NPD, but she certainly displays some characteristics of one. Self centered, self serving, entitlement. All present and accounted for.

Exactly right.. I'm amazed and a little disappointed in myself that I didn't recognize this earlier. I've known her for 8 years and was in a relationship for one year. I can see that she needs constant self-validation and often seeks approval and attention from people, especially men. I certainly was roped into that.


Posts: 113 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: West Coast
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Clarity on who they really are (and how pathetic it is) is really the best medicine. Glad you are getting it Steve.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4019 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Steve55
♂ Member
Member # 41621
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Clarity on who they really are (and how pathetic it is) is really the best medicine. Glad you are getting it Steve.

I am :)

It is hard for me to imagine, though, someone willing to mess up so many people's lives (Me, the OM's BS, his kids) just so they can get what they want. It seems to be a situation where someone is totally devoid of a conscience? Hard to imagine, especially for someone professing to be a moral person. But then, this selfish trait can be found in probably most, if not all of the wayward spouses/Gfs or Bfs and their willing partners on here..

One thing I don't get is why tell me she couldn't have sex and then hook up with the OM, probably sometimes in her office and in the faculty parking lot? I guess it speaks to her general lack of honesty and her willingness to betray people who care about her so she can get what she wants.

I wish her all the best, but I can't see where this A will work out for her. Sad,really.

[This message edited by Steve55 at 1:26 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 113 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: West Coast
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe in her twisted mind it wasn't premarital,sex if she knew she wasn't going to marry OM?

Steve, some day you'll be very happy you found out when you did rather than after the ceremony, a house, a mortgage, kids, etc.

If the idea of too many pictures of her is troubling, just visualize the "guest of honor" laid out in a casket. That's usually where I see excessive photo displays.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
IWantDoOver
Member
Member # 39440
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she was ok with lying to me ("I don't have sex before marriage because I'm a faithful Christian woman.")all the while hooking up with a married guy.

One thing I don't get is why tell me she couldn't have sex and then hook up with the OM, probably sometimes in her office and in the faculty parking lot?

She didn't want to have sex with you.

I'm sorry that she lied to you and broke your heart. I'm sorry you're still suffering.



Peace

Posts: 212 | Registered: Jun 2013
Steve55
♂ Member
Member # 41621
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe in her twisted mind it wasn't
premarital,sex if she knew she wasn't going to marry OM?
Steve, some day you'll be very happy you found out when you did rather than after the ceremony, a house, a mortgage, kids, etc.

If the idea of too many pictures of her is troubling, just visualize the "guest of honor" laid out in a casket. That's usually where I see excessive photo displays.

LOL, I agree. You kind of have to know the ego of many of my colleagues (College professors, in general) to know that this isn't that unusual. Many have an "I love me wall", of photos, diplomas and awards, not only in their school office but at home. I've always thought that odd.

For the reasons you mentioned, I already am very happy that I didn't get married to her. I admit, I was thinking about it if things had continued to go along as they appreared. Then, my suspicions were confirmed by the sexts/texts.

I think with the OM, it's just sex and sneaky, dirty, dangerous sex at that, especially in the context of who she holds herself out to be to everyone else. It's pretty dishonest and disingenious, not to mention the fact of what they are doing to the OM's BS and kids.


Posts: 113 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: West Coast
Steve55
♂ Member
Member # 41621
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She didn't want to have sex with you.

I'm sorry that she lied to you and broke your heart. I'm sorry you're still suffering.

Clearly, because while we were dating she told me about past relationships, one with a "player" who had told her he'd always cheat on her. I told her that I didn't buy her story that she didn't have sex outside of marriage because there was no way she would have kept a guy like that around for two years without it. I guess I should have seen the truth then, she just didn't want to have sex with me..

Thanks..Talking this out with you all on here has really helped. I really appreciate it.

[This message edited by Steve55 at 4:09 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 113 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: West Coast
Steve55
♂ Member
Member # 41621
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I seriously need to leave this job.. My co-worker, who helped plan my ex's birthday party, and keep it a secret from me, put up in our office suite all of the decorations from the party. She waited until after I'd left last night (Yesterday was the ex's birthday and she was out). It's like rubbing my nose in the fact that this was all secret and I wasn't included in any of it. Now I have to hear everyone come up and say what a great job Shannon did.. I really want to throw up. If it wasn't finals, grading and graduation, I think I would go home..

Posts: 113 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: West Coast
itainteasy
♀ Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You may have addressed this, already, and if you did I apologize for bringing it up again...


Why are you not outing this affair with the married man?

I would have no part of protecting her secret.


Posts: 3350 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
Steve55
♂ Member
Member # 41621
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You may have addressed this, already, and if you did I apologize for bringing it up again...

Why are you not outing this affair with the married man?

I would have no part of protecting her secret.

No worries.. We had a debate about that on here a while back.

I believe the BS deserves to know. I did a lot of research and found her work email address (She is a marriage and family therapist).

The problem is, I have no idea if the A is still on going. My ex took this way underground and I have not seen the OM around here in several months.

The last time I read texts on her phone (She now locks it), she seemed to be expressing frustration to him about a lot of issues in her life, including "us". That was about two months ago.

I made a decision, for my own healing, which hasn't been going well, to stop looking and try to distance myself from this as much as I can.

I know and understand that the BS should know and by not telling her, or our Christian school, I am in effect facilitating the A. I'm not totally 100% decided on this. The problem is, I confirmed my suspicions by invading her privacy when I read texts on her phone. I'm not sure what the legal ramifications of that could be to me..

[This message edited by Steve55 at 12:53 PM, April 24th (Thursday)]


Posts: 113 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: West Coast
Jduff
♂ Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she just didn't want to have sex with me..

And be VERY glad you didn't! She could be quite the STD vessel and never know it.

Just think of her hiding the Love-Me party from you as her doing part of the work of detachment for you.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 429 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
Topic Posts: 24
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum: General Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.