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User Topic: What we do to give them their freedom to have an A
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 3:15 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I trusted him. That's the core of it all. IMHO that is the only thing any of us did to facilitate their cheating.

I accepted my husband 'working' 18 hour days at the office and at home basically from the moment I was first pregnant.

I accepted my husband being a moody, grumpy bijiartch when he was home. Always so 'tired' and drinking himself to oblivion.

I kept myself and my children locked indoors for basically the first 4 years of motherhood. Mr Moody/Tired never wanted to go anywhere - I didn't take them myself so we could have quality time together ie: him watching TV or working from home.

I still can't quite believe what I tolerated.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
♀ Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 5:03 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still can't quite believe what I tolerated

Exactly that.

"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1361 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
♀ Member
Member # 42970
Default  Posted: 6:17 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had to sleep on this before answering because it really struck a nerve with me.

What did I do? EVERYTHING! While he contributed absolutely nothing.

I was the breadwinner. I paid all of the bills. I took care of the kids. I did all of the cooking. I did all of the cleaning. I did all of the yard work. I did all of the laundry. I ran all of the errands. I gave him sex 5-6 times a week. I took care of myself and my appearance.

I was responsible for everything while he accepted absolutely no responsibility for anything. He was free to come and go as he pleased. He was free to spend his paycheck however he wanted. He never had to lift a finger. Anything less resulted in him throwing a huge temper tantrum.

I read somewhere about how when a person cheats, it's not because they weren't getting something they needed at home. It was because they weren't giving enough at home. I fully and firmly believe this to be true in my marriage. WH was a bottomless pit of selfishness and taking while I gave every bit of myself and yet it was still not enough for him.

I have let WH know that I will not go back to the way things were in our marriage. I was completely miserable living like that.

BW (me): 41 WH (him): 49
Married 18 years. SD: 26 from his 1st. M. DS: 21 from 1st M. DD: 17 (autistic)
D-day: 10/4/13 with ongoing TT (last TT was 10/2/14).
2 OC with 2 different OW. 15 year A with my sister.

Posts: 326 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
♀ Member
Member # 33202
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The fact that he used me to facilitate the A still upsets me. My actions during that time can trigger me to this day.

-I cleaned, shopped, did laundry at our house and cottage. I gardened, mowed the lawn and generally worked like a maniac while he "dated". He did absolutely nothing but mow occasionally. One time he had a contractor do some work at the cottage and he was there for several days. When I went on the next visit, he had left the plaster dust everywhere for me to clean up. I had a breakdown because it made no sense. When I confronted him about the mess he screamed at me.

-I was his exercise buddy on bike rides and at the Y. He was losing weight and getting fit (cliche, right?). Since Dday, he has gained a ton of weight.

-I made special treats and meals (some he requested) that he could take to the cottage. (He used that time when he was supposedly doing chores to meet the AP.) Several of these food items have not been made since Dday.

-I spent some of a birthday gift card on clothing for him-he wore the clothes to "dates". I also order a cd for him to listen to in the car (on the cottage trips) with my birthday gift card-that cd has magically disappeared.

-I was pathetically grateful when he displayed uncharacteristic interest in my gardening. (He was feeling guilty and pretending to be a good husband).

-He (strangely) wanted to know how to iron his shirts and I taught him. This was his sick way of making himself not feel guilty about me ironing his "date" clothes.

-I went to visit my parents alone (with his strong encouragement). He used my yoga class time and visits with friends to call and text the AP. Several times I came home from these appointments to find he had spontaneously "gone to the cottage." I now know why.

-I entertained his family and friends at the cottage. He would stay behind to do "chores" after I left. I was always confused about why we needed to take two cars.

-I took walks alone and would stop at the bank for cash. He was always asking me to get cash for him and I never questioned why.

-He used MY insurance to get secret Cialis pills like clockwork every month. He still doesn't get what a betrayal that was.

-I agonized over his supposed bowel problems because he was spending hours in the bathroom (texting).

-I trusted him. I put up with his crap, lies, irrational rages and manipulation. Never again.

[This message edited by struggling16 at 8:48 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday)]

Posts: 723 | Registered: Aug 2011
♀ Member
Member # 40829
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I trusted him!

The trust of the innocent is the liar's most useful tool.
Stephen King
Me: BW
Him: WH
Married: 18 years
2 sons, 11&15
Trying to R

Posts: 152 | Registered: Sep 2013
♀ Member
Member # 27993
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine told me I was the "perfect wife."
Really? Rip a perfect wife's heart out because she is soo perfect?

I spent 28 years taking care of his 3 kids, doing laundry, cleaning, cooking fresh meals daily (gourmet with fresh food daily because he's such a foodie), weeding, planting flowers so our home had curb appeal, told him he looked like a greek god, praised his business successes.

When our youngest went off to college, he just took the horsefaced OW everywhere for everything she did for him(I asked him if she ever hung up his clothes in a hotel room...ummm no), while I sat at home and told him how lonely I was because I was home alone. I always asked to join him on his business trips and I was told no.

When we got into MC, I remember the counselor saying to me, "how did you let him get so out of control?" Really, It's my fault?

Im just having a bad day, but these things really haunt me and I'm glad that someone else feels the way I do!

Married 32 years
OW-Mr. Ed ish! Seriously!
DDAY- 2/21/09
TT until 1/10/10
Working on R and doing well!!

Posts: 179 | Registered: Mar 2010
♀ Member
Member # 38089
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read somewhere about how when a person cheats, it's not because they weren't getting something they needed at home. It was because they weren't giving enough at home.

Hmm...there might be something to this...

BS(Me) - 32
WS(HUbbie) - 40
OW - 44 (a ugly, old, white trash horse faced Coworker)
Affair was 2 months long
3 kids - 5yr old, and twins 8 months
Dday - 12/25/12 (lots of signs before I should have seen)

Posts: 551 | Registered: Jan 2013
♀ Member
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I made far less than FWH yet I was the one who helped the kids with my measly salary as they struggled with college expenses and internships. (They did work, but needed supplemental assistance.) Little did I know that freed up the money my FWH was spending on his "hobby."

I always felt soooooo bad for him when he had to go to one of those pesky community meetings for his job. "Oh Hon!! Did you have dinner? Need me to make something for you?" Little did I know these "meetings" were at a No Tell Motel.

When I had to travel from time to time for my job, I felt so guilty that I was having fun while the poor baby stayed home working. Yeah, that's what he was doing "working."

BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1052 | Registered: Mar 2012
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read somewhere about how when a person cheats, it's not because they weren't getting something they needed at home. It was because they weren't giving enough at home.

Yep, so true. On that note: have you looked back at your marriage before the A and realized that your WS was always a taker?

These comments just make me so angry and break my heart. But, hey...sometimes we need to get angry and vent. Better than smacking our WS with a cast iron skillet in the middle of night out of the blue.

BTW: after Dday, some months later...I asked my fWH why he couldn't just stay home from the bar meetings if he felt bad about leaving me at home. He had the nerve to say, "I was hoping you would tell me to stay home." (something to that effect). I guess trusting your husband and allowing him to have his unwinding time after work with his work friends was my fault after 8yrs of M. I must of missed the memo about being his "Jiminy Cricket" too.

Thanks for sharing, I hope it gave you some rest for a few days at least.

Me-BW 39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 946 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
♀ Member
Member # 42959
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Frankly, I think I was the best, most-freedom loving partner a WS could ever have.

I encouraged him to reconnect with OW#1, an ex-girlfriend from high school.

Then, I cooked, cleaned, and did pretty much everything around the house, in addition to my 50 hour a week job, so that he'd be able to spend time dating and romancing her. I was happy to allow him to take her to the opera, go out to dinner, head to the farmer's market. It was all okay with me, because I didn't want to be seen as "possessive" or "jealous".

In fact, I was such a good spouse, and he was having such a good time with me, he figured he'd take on a second girlfriend.

So on a typical Sunday afternoon (while I worked) my cheating spouse would meet for lunch and a little sex with OW#1. Or spend the afternoon at OW#2's condo and arrive home just in time for dinner (which I, of course, cooked after getting home from work).

And when I became suspicious of his "friendship" with OW#1, and asked him if he was cheating on me, my WS denied it, and suggested that I just didn't want him to have any friends. All of which I bought - because, of course, I trusted him. My WS loved me and would never gaslight me.

*Sigh* It's depressing. Sometimes I look back and can't believe the behaviour I tolerated and thought acceptable. I am worth so much more than that.

Posts: 70 | Registered: Mar 2014
♀ New Member
Member # 41284
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did the grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry, raised the kids, paid the bills, bookkeeping,..............................................................................................................................................

I added OW to our Verizon friends and family list so he could have free unlimited texts and phone calls with her. When she moved out of state and her number changed. I updated it.

When DD and I took lunch to him while he was working, normally we would stay and eat together. When she was there with him, I gave him the food and I LEFT. Like I was the one who didn't belong. All while he's insisting they are "just friends". She wanted him to check her brakes. I'd like her brakes to go out at a high rate of speed going down hill with a drop off cliff and lots of swerves in the road.

I drove an hour, both ways there and back, in a snowstorm with a blinding migraine headache to pick up a replacement base board heater for a rental unit where one had gone out. Because we had to get it fixed immediately. So while I was gone all day he was with her. He didn't get the heater replaced for several weeks. But we had to have it that day and of course he couldn't go. He had "work" to do.

BS - 49
WH -50
Married 30 years.
2 daughters, 1 granddaughter.
D-Day 11-14-11
Why am I still here?

Posts: 41 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Idaho
♀ Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, yes and yes!!! To all of the above.

Tolerated too much of his shit and was still fool enough to trust him!!!

Hell yes

Posts: 617 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
♀ Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 1:13 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I gave him my old smartphone and helped him set it up. it was his downfall.

I took care of the kids, and re-arranged plans (found sitters, etc.), so that he could go on vacation with marriedOW.

I actually shopped with him for a gift to take her for the first birthday trip/vacation with "friends"- yeah, it was only her. shortly before d-day, i was helping to pick out and ship another gift to her. sure glad that didn't get done.

I spent nights and weekends alone. I worried about his health; the stress was killing him and I thought it was an illness contracted on work visits to the developing world.

I explained to friends where he was when out of town with "friends".

oh, the ones that bother me the most: i sent marriedOW christmas cards and had my children do thank you notes for the gifts that marriedOW sent them. Inappropriate! I know that I am crazy for thinking that either WH or MarriedOW would have had healthy and appropriate boundaries. But really- don't send my kids gifts, and don't get me to send marriedOW thank you notes- so you can demonstrate how fabulous our kids are.

end rant

D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou

Posts: 1479 | Registered: Dec 2011
♂ Member
Member # 43122
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SBB - good post and a kick in the teeth.

What did I do, I worked too much. I work at a hospital and have to work nights, evenings and weekends. I provide a very comfortable living for our family. I encouraged my wife to get out make friends. She likes playing tennis, so I encouraged her and she joined a team, went to group and private lessons. I paid the bills and she seemed to really enjoy it. Now 3 years later I discovered she was having an EA and PA with her tennis coach. I'm left wondering if any of here enjoyment was truly about playing tennis or seeing him.

As is often the case, I also feel I have been the one giving more in this relationship, I work full time, share childcare duties of our 2 kids when I'm off, do all of the yardwork, pay all of the bills and manage the household finances, help with the dishes and cooking, do my own laundry. And what was she doing, my adolescent wife was her tennis coach, and apparently pushing her sexual boundaries with him as well.

Wow your post has me fired up, thanks for letting me vent!

BS me 41
WW 42
Married 11 years
R for now I guess
DD 9 & DS 8
DDay 2 (PA) - March 3rd, 2014
DDay 1 (EA) - July 2nd, 2011

Posts: 103 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
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