[This message edited by HorribleGF at 6:29 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]
I discovered both affairs, one with an email and one with a text, it was like falling off a cliff. The ground disappeared.
Stbxwh left immediately, both times, that, right there is so painful, that he couldn't even face me, help me or at least try to. I showed how little he cared.
Show how much you care. This must be so scary for you, I wish you strength.
Tell him or let him read it but be there for the fall out. Remember, the anger, it is a secondary emotion, it is an expression of the pain, he is in incredible pain.
I wish you so much strength.
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
attempted R, it was all a lie
Your letter is really good, with the suggestions you've been given. Good luck to you. I'm sorry for your pain - it's a surreal situation. I really identify with your nightmare analogy.
Good for you for confessing. You seem to be making the best choices you can make considering your situation.
I wish you both well.
Married over 9 years, together for 18.
DD#1: 12/12/10 - LTA of 3 years, 2 mos.
DD#2: 02/02/11 - 2 EA/PA with coworkers, a month after the LTA was ended (by OW).
Recovery is building a pyramid of inference from which to climb and see clearer, and heavy usage of the reflexive loop.
on d-day 1 i didnt get them. i got attacked and she gave me a load of justifications for what she claimed was an LTA EA.
on d-day 2 i didnt get them. she got angry, screamed at me, defended herself, justified what she had done (LTA EA was really EA/PA).
on d-day 3 i got the beginnings of remorse, her telling me she loved me. no justifications for what she had done (sexting multiple guys in addition to LTA)but profuse apologies.
d-day 4 was the day after d-day 3. she admitted to 2 ONS with 2 different guys in addition to everything else she had confessed. she didnt try to justify it and told me that she loved me and was sorry.
i have to say d-day 1 & 2 were brutal on me because of her justifications and total lack of remorse.
d-day 3 was bad but hearing her tell me that she was sorry, etc was a huge difference from "i did it, im not sorry, and there was nothing wrong in what i did".
d-day 4 was the worst, i think. because on d-day 3 she swore to total honesty, swore this was all, and then dumped more crap on me the next day.
so i would stick with you "i love you" and i would also suggest total honesty. trickle truth is a killer.
from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA
??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys
I must commend you for being a very courageous and honest young woman. First, in that you recognized your choice for what it was, that you searched to find some guidance and that you are doing the "right thing".
I wish very much that my FWW had shown me this respect. She committed infidelities with 4 different men during our engagement. She had her brother lie to me for her. The last one was just 7 weeks before our wedding. She wouldn't have told me except I found out. One of them came out in DDay 3 in January 37 years later. She didn't tell me because she thought I would call off the wedding. I deserve the chance to make an informed decision about a life long decision. A relationship built on lies will continue to have difficulties and the unsuspecting spouse will never know why there seems to be a unbridgable chasm. Deception is difficult to maintain. You are doing this for all of the right reasons.
After being married for 25 years my FWW started an affair with a co-worker. It carried on for over 3 years. Lots of lies, deceit and denials. Finally, on September 1, 2013 she confessed. She was forced to by me. Then another DDay at the end of October with continual lies and tricle truth. Had she voluntarily confessed instead of continually lying and covering up and blame shifting once confessed it would have been much better.
You voluntarily recognized the problem, you sought advice, you are going to voluntarily confess. I needed the words "I am sorry I ..." over and over again but don't get them. I needed the words "I love you even though my actions seem to show I don't. I love you and I am sorry I caused you so much pain". But I don't get that much. Improving a little now.
I so wished that I would have got this from my wife. You are giving your BF the chance to make up his own mind. I pray that he can recognize it and you can get through this together. Please work on yourself. You have my admiration.
A word about the 'unimaginable pain that I have thrust upon you' might not go amiss.
He will likely want details, at some point.
I would want to understand how you could have such little respect for me. At what point in the evening did you cross the line and tell yourself that it was OK.
I still wish I had a girlfriend or wife who even wanted to reconcile. Well done.
[This message edited by allatsea at 9:07 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday)]
Your letter is wonderful and it speaks volumes about your character. You are doing everything you can and I think you see how much respect it earns you.
But I want you to be braced. I know taking responsibility for the situation and taking thoughtful, active steps has helped you feel more empowered, less helpless. And that is good.
But this is still a very hard situation, and I caution you against hoping for too much. One of the worst aspects of it is your continued separation from your boyfriend. This is going to be a huge problem for him, for he will not be able to recover with you by seeing you present, knowing where you are and what you are doing, and having you there to help him. His doubts and fears will run riot and there is only a limited amount you can do long distance to check them.
Realistically, I think you need to be braced for him breaking up with you.
And in the weeks to come, you will need to start to reflect on what you will do if he does.
It will take a while to accept and to even begin to know how you feel. But let me plant a seed--be careful about making promises that feel right at this moment-- like, I will wait for you indefinately and hope you will find your way back to me -- that you maybe cannot or should not keep.
I can't remember if you said how long it would be before you two could be in the same town again. But if it is more than a few months, the simple truth is you may begin to grow apart in the long time before you would have any chance to be together and really woo him again.
I know this is all a bummer. I hope for the best for you--but you need to be ready to absorb the worst.
But I am prepared for him to end the relationship... I realize it will be extremely difficult going back into long distance within a month of Dday. But if he does give me a second shot, a chance to prove how much I love him, and show him how much I want him and only him, I am going to do everything in my power to make sure he knows I am being 100% faithful to him, and keeping all my promises.
The road ahead of me is by no means an easy one. It's going to be the hardest thing I have ever faced. but it's a road I know I won't have to walk alone. I have friends who support me, and I have everyone on SI.
If he requests it, I am fully prepared to drop out of school and move home as well. It would mean paying rent in a place I will not be living, but if it means saving my relationship, then there is no question it's what I would do.
I am willing to go to therapy and work on this with you.
I would add that even if he does not go with you, you are still planning to go on your own for your own healing and understanding.
If you want, I will give you the passwords to any and all my online accounts, emails, facebook, everything.
I would not ask if he wants access. I would just go ahead and give him that access. He will choose to look through these accounts or not.
I will even install an app on my phone that will send any texts I get straight to you. If this is what you want.
Same as above, just do it. Don't ask if he wants you to do it. He will tell you if it is necessary or not afterward.
The reason I suggest these changes above are so that you show being proactive, and that they don't come off as "promises" on what you will do on the condition he stays.
I will also answer every single question you have, 100% honestly. I will do anything to gain your trust back and show you that I truly do love you. We/you can choose to tell anyone you want, or we can keep this between ourselves. It is your choice.
Just remove "It is your choice.", which comes off as an ultimatum in tone.
So, again, you have my admiration. The results may not be as you might hope they turn out. But part of what you are doing is being true to yourself, too, and to who you want to be. I hope and pray that time and hardwork will help you reconcile and you will have the life you hoped to have. It will forever be different but, from what I understand, it can be a truer more open and honest relationship. I pray you get that some day.
He will not be able to process everything at that moment. He will have questions and they could involve details of what happened between you and the OM. DO NOT say I don't know or I can't remember. You will and must relive that night until you know every detail if you BF asks you for that information.
My FWW was 17 when we started dating so I was the only man she had been with until she was almost 40. That was something very special to me and she gave it away to someone who did not matter. Your BF may not think of it that way. Regardless of that aspect of the situation he will have a hard time understanding why this happened. You must have an answer for that and being apart can not be that answer.
You are doing the right thing. I admire your courage and I know you are truly very sorry. I wish my FWW would have told me instead of me discovering by accident.
I can see that you are an intelligent young woman and you DO know what is right. No matter the outcome with your BF you need to look deep down and understand why you did what you did and deal with that.
One last thing. Your BF may forgive you but he will never forget. I have forgiven my wife but I have not forgotten and it was 10 years ago. Can you overcome that, I think you can.
God bless you I will pray for you and your BF.
I am fully prepared to drop out of school and move home as well.
The offer demonstrates that you would sacrifice in order to maintain your future together. Might be what tilts the relationship onto the reconciliation side.
However this turns out, whatever may come of this, I believe I have prepared myself as best as possible. I will be devastated if he chooses to end the relationship, but I will respect his decision, and I know I will make it through. Because I have everyone on here to help me :)