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User Topic: the letter - BS responses are appreciated
HorribleGF
♀ Member
Member # 43178
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by HorribleGF at 6:29 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday)]


Me: 20
BBF: 22
Dday: 28/04/14
Years together: 3.5

Posts: 51 | Registered: Apr 2014
HorribleGF
♀ Member
Member # 43178
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

painfulpast, I do intend to be there. Sending it any other way would add insult to injury. It's difficult cause I want to tell him now, as soon as possible, but I have to wait till monday.


Me: 20
BBF: 22
Dday: 28/04/14
Years together: 3.5

Posts: 51 | Registered: Apr 2014
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes! What painfulpast said, be there, in person, do not run away.

I discovered both affairs, one with an email and one with a text, it was like falling off a cliff. The ground disappeared.

Stbxwh left immediately, both times, that, right there is so painful, that he couldn't even face me, help me or at least try to. I showed how little he cared.

Show how much you care. This must be so scary for you, I wish you strength.

Tell him or let him read it but be there for the fall out. Remember, the anger, it is a secondary emotion, it is an expression of the pain, he is in incredible pain.

I wish you so much strength.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1310 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
tryingmybest2011
♀ Member
Member # 32584
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi GF.

Your letter is really good, with the suggestions you've been given. Good luck to you. I'm sorry for your pain - it's a surreal situation. I really identify with your nightmare analogy.

Good for you for confessing. You seem to be making the best choices you can make considering your situation.

I wish you both well.


BS: me - 37
WH: him - 37
DD: 8
DD: 11 mos

Married over 9 years, together for 18.

DD#1: 12/12/10 - LTA of 3 years, 2 mos.
DD#2: 02/02/11 - 2 EA/PA with coworkers, a month after the LTA was ended (by OW).

In limbo.


Posts: 323 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Ontario Canada
still-living
♂ Member
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think its great but do not like "....I will never fully understand." This is suggesting that a potential will always exist. I recommend that you say you are working on yourself so this can never happen again.


BH(me)47
WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14

Recovery is building a pyramid of inference from which to climb and see clearer, and heavy usage of the reflexive loop.


Posts: 723 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
william
Member
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 2:47 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i wanted reassurances from my WW that she loved me.

on d-day 1 i didnt get them. i got attacked and she gave me a load of justifications for what she claimed was an LTA EA.

on d-day 2 i didnt get them. she got angry, screamed at me, defended herself, justified what she had done (LTA EA was really EA/PA).

on d-day 3 i got the beginnings of remorse, her telling me she loved me. no justifications for what she had done (sexting multiple guys in addition to LTA)but profuse apologies.

d-day 4 was the day after d-day 3. she admitted to 2 ONS with 2 different guys in addition to everything else she had confessed. she didnt try to justify it and told me that she loved me and was sorry.

i have to say d-day 1 & 2 were brutal on me because of her justifications and total lack of remorse.

d-day 3 was bad but hearing her tell me that she was sorry, etc was a huge difference from "i did it, im not sorry, and there was nothing wrong in what i did".

d-day 4 was the worst, i think. because on d-day 3 she swore to total honesty, swore this was all, and then dumped more crap on me the next day.

so i would stick with you "i love you" and i would also suggest total honesty. trickle truth is a killer.


me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys


Posts: 528 | Registered: Jan 2014
steadychevy
♂ Member
Member # 42608
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a BS and old enough to be your grandfather. You have written a beautiful letter and received some very good advice about how to improve it by removing those things that could cause interretations problems. I know therd are certain phrases that get to me very quickly.

I must commend you for being a very courageous and honest young woman. First, in that you recognized your choice for what it was, that you searched to find some guidance and that you are doing the "right thing".

I wish very much that my FWW had shown me this respect. She committed infidelities with 4 different men during our engagement. She had her brother lie to me for her. The last one was just 7 weeks before our wedding. She wouldn't have told me except I found out. One of them came out in DDay 3 in January 37 years later. She didn't tell me because she thought I would call off the wedding. I deserve the chance to make an informed decision about a life long decision. A relationship built on lies will continue to have difficulties and the unsuspecting spouse will never know why there seems to be a unbridgable chasm. Deception is difficult to maintain. You are doing this for all of the right reasons.

After being married for 25 years my FWW started an affair with a co-worker. It carried on for over 3 years. Lots of lies, deceit and denials. Finally, on September 1, 2013 she confessed. She was forced to by me. Then another DDay at the end of October with continual lies and tricle truth. Had she voluntarily confessed instead of continually lying and covering up and blame shifting once confessed it would have been much better.

You voluntarily recognized the problem, you sought advice, you are going to voluntarily confess. I needed the words "I am sorry I ..." over and over again but don't get them. I needed the words "I love you even though my actions seem to show I don't. I love you and I am sorry I caused you so much pain". But I don't get that much. Improving a little now.

I so wished that I would have got this from my wife. You are giving your BF the chance to make up his own mind. I pray that he can recognize it and you can get through this together. Please work on yourself. You have my admiration.


BH(me)63
WW-57
M 37 years
DDay1-09/1/13;DDay2-10/13;DDay3 12/19/13
LTA-09/02-11/02 EA;12/02-?/06 PA
OM -COW
"dates" w/3 former lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment;years of lies, denial

Posts: 68 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Alberta, Canada
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted a letter like this.

A word about the 'unimaginable pain that I have thrust upon you' might not go amiss.

He will likely want details, at some point.

I would want to understand how you could have such little respect for me. At what point in the evening did you cross the line and tell yourself that it was OK.

I still wish I had a girlfriend or wife who even wanted to reconcile. Well done.

[This message edited by allatsea at 9:07 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday)]


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 659 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
HorribleGF
♀ Member
Member # 43178
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your advice. I have edited the letter yet again, mentioning that I realize i've caused him unimaginable pain by doing this, pain I will never know to be able to relate to. And that I'm sorry for doing such a thing to him.
I am fully prepared to answer any and all questions he may ask. and fully prepared to give him 100% of all the details I remember from that night.
I realize he isn't going to like some of my answers, neither would I. But it is the honest truth, and a truth that hurts is better then a lie.


Me: 20
BBF: 22
Dday: 28/04/14
Years together: 3.5

Posts: 51 | Registered: Apr 2014
Owl6118
♂ Member
Member # 42806
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GF, one more thought.

Your letter is wonderful and it speaks volumes about your character. You are doing everything you can and I think you see how much respect it earns you.

But I want you to be braced. I know taking responsibility for the situation and taking thoughtful, active steps has helped you feel more empowered, less helpless. And that is good.

But this is still a very hard situation, and I caution you against hoping for too much. One of the worst aspects of it is your continued separation from your boyfriend. This is going to be a huge problem for him, for he will not be able to recover with you by seeing you present, knowing where you are and what you are doing, and having you there to help him. His doubts and fears will run riot and there is only a limited amount you can do long distance to check them.

Realistically, I think you need to be braced for him breaking up with you.

And in the weeks to come, you will need to start to reflect on what you will do if he does.

It will take a while to accept and to even begin to know how you feel. But let me plant a seed--be careful about making promises that feel right at this moment-- like, I will wait for you indefinately and hope you will find your way back to me -- that you maybe cannot or should not keep.

I can't remember if you said how long it would be before you two could be in the same town again. But if it is more than a few months, the simple truth is you may begin to grow apart in the long time before you would have any chance to be together and really woo him again.

I know this is all a bummer. I hope for the best for you--but you need to be ready to absorb the worst.


Posts: 60 | Registered: Mar 2014
HorribleGF
♀ Member
Member # 43178
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Owl6118, that thought has crossed my mind a million times. We are apart another 2 years, most likely 3. I know if he chooses to stay by me, there will have to be daily phone calls, and lots of reassurance. More visiting when we can afford it. all of that.
Next year I am living with 2 room mates, as opposed to being on my own right now. And if he decides to give it another chance, he will have contact information to both my room mates, and will have access to any and all information as to what I have been doing. That may be helpful, having a third party help regulate things, and be there to confirm or deny what I have been telling him. Someone to reassure him that I am home every night, that I have not consumed alcohol, and that I am keeping to my word.

But I am prepared for him to end the relationship... I realize it will be extremely difficult going back into long distance within a month of Dday. But if he does give me a second shot, a chance to prove how much I love him, and show him how much I want him and only him, I am going to do everything in my power to make sure he knows I am being 100% faithful to him, and keeping all my promises.
The road ahead of me is by no means an easy one. It's going to be the hardest thing I have ever faced. but it's a road I know I won't have to walk alone. I have friends who support me, and I have everyone on SI.

If he requests it, I am fully prepared to drop out of school and move home as well. It would mean paying rent in a place I will not be living, but if it means saving my relationship, then there is no question it's what I would do.


Me: 20
BBF: 22
Dday: 28/04/14
Years together: 3.5

Posts: 51 | Registered: Apr 2014
Jduff
♂ Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My suggestions:

I am willing to go to therapy and work on this with you.

I would add that even if he does not go with you, you are still planning to go on your own for your own healing and understanding.

If you want, I will give you the passwords to any and all my online accounts, emails, facebook, everything.

I would not ask if he wants access. I would just go ahead and give him that access. He will choose to look through these accounts or not.

I will even install an app on my phone that will send any texts I get straight to you. If this is what you want.

Same as above, just do it. Don't ask if he wants you to do it. He will tell you if it is necessary or not afterward.

The reason I suggest these changes above are so that you show being proactive, and that they don't come off as "promises" on what you will do on the condition he stays.

I will also answer every single question you have, 100% honestly. I will do anything to gain your trust back and show you that I truly do love you. We/you can choose to tell anyone you want, or we can keep this between ourselves. It is your choice.

Just remove "It is your choice.", which comes off as an ultimatum in tone.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 442 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
HorribleGF
♀ Member
Member # 43178
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, you're right. those sounded like an "if you stay..." not what he needs. he doesn't need t feel pressured into staying in the relationship if he is unhappy.
I will also (along with the letter) print off a list of my accounts and passwords for each and give it to him with the letter. Hopefully that will help to reinforce that I am being 100% open with him. As for the phone app, that one I won't do right away, because he is not that good with technology (he just upgraded from a 2004 flip phone) so finding all this out and then having to learn how to use new apps and what not may be a bit much. but it is definitely something I will give him the option of doing. as well giving him the option to install tracking programs on my computer so he can monitor what I am doing on the computer. - again, something that will come later as I"m sure he won't be to keen on it right away. But he will be the only one with passwords to access those apps/ software.


Me: 20
BBF: 22
Dday: 28/04/14
Years together: 3.5

Posts: 51 | Registered: Apr 2014
steadychevy
♂ Member
Member # 42608
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I should have added that what you are doing will not be easy. I think you know that judging from your words. It will be very painful. BF will be devastated. He may have a lot of difficulty even functioning. I can tell I did. I virtually remember hardly anything of last September. The pain for both of you will seem almost unbearable. I rember thinking that you cannot hurt this bad and expect to live. Surely the pain will kill you. It didn't but I was suicidal. I got counseling advice the first week I think - maybe it was the second. But I desperately needed it. A full range of emotions will be evident and you will read about the roller coaster. It is true.

So, again, you have my admiration. The results may not be as you might hope they turn out. But part of what you are doing is being true to yourself, too, and to who you want to be. I hope and pray that time and hardwork will help you reconcile and you will have the life you hoped to have. It will forever be different but, from what I understand, it can be a truer more open and honest relationship. I pray you get that some day.


BH(me)63
WW-57
M 37 years
DDay1-09/1/13;DDay2-10/13;DDay3 12/19/13
LTA-09/02-11/02 EA;12/02-?/06 PA
OM -COW
"dates" w/3 former lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment;years of lies, denial

Posts: 68 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Alberta, Canada
10yearsafter
♂ Member
Member # 43139
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The letter is good. You should tell him everything in person. I know you intend to do that, right. Give him the letter after you tell him so he can read it and try to wrap his mind around the nuclear bomb you dropped on him.

He will not be able to process everything at that moment. He will have questions and they could involve details of what happened between you and the OM. DO NOT say I don't know or I can't remember. You will and must relive that night until you know every detail if you BF asks you for that information.

My FWW was 17 when we started dating so I was the only man she had been with until she was almost 40. That was something very special to me and she gave it away to someone who did not matter. Your BF may not think of it that way. Regardless of that aspect of the situation he will have a hard time understanding why this happened. You must have an answer for that and being apart can not be that answer.

You are doing the right thing. I admire your courage and I know you are truly very sorry. I wish my FWW would have told me instead of me discovering by accident.

I can see that you are an intelligent young woman and you DO know what is right. No matter the outcome with your BF you need to look deep down and understand why you did what you did and deal with that.

One last thing. Your BF may forgive you but he will never forget. I have forgiven my wife but I have not forgotten and it was 10 years ago. Can you overcome that, I think you can.

God bless you I will pray for you and your BF.


Posts: 157 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Texas
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am fully prepared to drop out of school and move home as well.

Actually, if I was your boyfriend I would be quite impressed with that offer. You could always resume your studies at a later date, when convenient.

The offer demonstrates that you would sacrifice in order to maintain your future together. Might be what tilts the relationship onto the reconciliation side.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
HorribleGF
♀ Member
Member # 43178
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK now, you're right. It never occurred to me to put that in the letter, but I think I will add it. Because, as was pointed out earlier, jumping right back into a long distance relationship after Dday will most likely be the end of our relationship. But if I stayed, told him I could finish school later, then we could have a chance to repair what I broke. Not only would I be there to support him, and help him through it, if he chose to stay with me, but it would be easier to make sure I am holding up my end of things and doing what I said I would.
Not to mention "home" is an extremely small town, where everyone knows everyone, and everything, so it would be quiet easy for him to tell if I had strayed from promises.
Also, 1 month after Dday, he goes out to his summer job - the job he loves. He's a huge outdoors fan, and works the summers at a fishing lodge. I believe the time alone, doing what he loves most surrounded by everything he loves, and in the one place he feels at home, will help him to gather his thoughts, and start the healing process for him. It will be good for him. and they have internet and phones out there, so he will be able to ask me questions and reach me if he so chooses.
I think maybe going home for a year (or 2, or 5) would be beneficial.


Me: 20
BBF: 22
Dday: 28/04/14
Years together: 3.5

Posts: 51 | Registered: Apr 2014
Owl6118
♂ Member
Member # 42806
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just please, go slow. Talk and think before you make huge decisions. I know your relationship is all you can think about just now. But a college degree is fastest road to a secure life in this country today, and every year you wait is lost experience and income, and an increased risk you will not finish at all. This is real life. You need to think about all sides of your future. I could see a semester at home. But your BF stays with you, he will have to be willing, soon, to help you come up with a plan for you to finish school somewhere, together.

Posts: 60 | Registered: Mar 2014
Girlietoo
♀ Member
Member # 38719
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think if it a beautifully written letter. Best of luck, GF


Me- 40
Him- 47
March 9, 2013- the day my heart died

Posts: 245 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
HorribleGF
♀ Member
Member # 43178
Default  Posted: 1:31 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Owl6118, I realize college degrees help in life, I do. But where I am from, everything is government work, or home grown businesses. When I first set out to school 2 years ago, I was all go for 4 year bach of science followed by 4 years vet school. The dream of vet school died this year, with my grades not being high enough and my desire to pursue that career dwindling. This year i have been thinking about my science degree and whether or not I want to finish it. My hope were to be home and starting a family by 24. (now I know that won't be happening due to current circumstances) but I'm not even sure if my degree would bring me any happiness or a job I am satisfied with. I've been contemplating taking time off for a while now, and this would be a valid reason to do so.
At some point down the line, I'm sure I would go back to school, maybe finish my science degree, maybe do something completely different.
But at this moment, yes, my relationship is all that matters.
That said, my BBF desperately wants for me to finish school. He has done all he can (aside from actually moving with me) to support me. Emotionally and financially. So I know he will push me to finish school at some point as well. I understand that my future matters as well, I do. But I'm 20. What I want to spend my life doing changes every semester. As for taking courses a year at home, that wouldn't work. We have a small college that only offers nursing programs - and I can't deal with human blood. so no thank you.

However this turns out, whatever may come of this, I believe I have prepared myself as best as possible. I will be devastated if he chooses to end the relationship, but I will respect his decision, and I know I will make it through. Because I have everyone on here to help me :)


Me: 20
BBF: 22
Dday: 28/04/14
Years together: 3.5

Posts: 51 | Registered: Apr 2014
Topic Posts: 59
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