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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: the letter - BS responses are appreciated
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 3:12 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to agree with a lot of other people here. Your a brave young woman with a good head on your shoulders. You see what you did and realize the pain your going to cause your BBF. You don't want to deceive him or lie to him. I had to discover my WW affair and it wasn't fun or pretty. Your letter and the subsequent suggestions are right on the money. Your both so young ( compared to someone like me ) and it has been pointed out it may be the end of your relationship, but you are showing a level of maturity beyond your years. My only suggestion to you is after your confession, point your BF to this sight. Explain to him how it helped you and how it may help him. While I'm a BS I often read posts in wayward forum (mostly to see what true remorse can and should look like) you young lady get it. When I JFO the people here showed me a lot of support and wouldn't let me rugsweep her affair and showed me a way to forgive her. While I'm a work on progress the advice and support I got was invaluable. If can be for your BBF as well. I'm pulling for you both, best of luck to you.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 333 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
Owl6118
♂ Member
Member # 42806
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We can finish this convversation some other day.

But from the perspective of someone old(er) who was seen the economy chew people up and spit them out...

You. Must. Get. That. Degree.

It will give you and BF options and chances in life you will never get otherwise. It doesn't matter what subject it's in. it is simply the opening bid for opportunities. Jobs. Loans. Credit. Interviews.

But i'll bend your ear more on a better morning.


Posts: 62 | Registered: Mar 2014
Mrs Panda
♀ Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am fully prepared to drop out of school and move home as

In my opinion that is a bad idea and another example of impulsive behavior (like cheating.) My BH dropped out of school 25 years ago. He regretted it our entire M. We now can afford for him to go back, at age 45.

You are a smart young woman and should not abandon your studies for a man. If he demands that, he is not worth it.

Dropping out of school is like an act of desperation. Not an emotionally healthy move. Trying to convince yourself otherwise? Is justification

Oh yeah, my mom dropped out of college too. Because a man broke her heart. She is 70 and still regrets that choice. Se wanted to be a nurse.

[This message edited by Mrs Panda at 7:17 AM, April 24th (Thursday)]


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1985 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with the stay in college advice. True, solid reconciliation is made up of consistent, honest, remorseful actions, not grand, dramatic acts out of desperation to keep the relationship.

I feel your remorse, I really do, but you have to be the best YOU you can be, before real growth can happen. Work on you and the rest will fall into place in a healthy way.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37620 | Registered: Sep 2007
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The purpose of offering to move back home and discontinue the BSc course is related to this being a deal breaker for your BF. In other words, he won't reconcile unless you do this. Otherwise I think Owl6118 is perfectly correct in stressing the importance of a degree as regards your future.

As I said before, I would blame the whole transgression on demon drink. From your account this seems to be true. I would state I remember nothing about the act and that you were taken advantage of. Overall close enough to the truth. This gives him elbow room to forgive and if he further demands you give up your science course until some later date, then the choice is yours.

You are young and maybe your current BF won't end up being the guy you spend your life with. So, as Owl6118 is wisely implying, be careful about what you sacrifice at this stage of your life. Try to make a logical, sober, non-emotional decision as regards giving up your education.


Posts: 1706 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are a smart young woman and should not abandon your studies for a man. If he demands that, he is not worth it.

Being fair to the young man in question, its going to be very hard for him to have any trust in HGF considering the length of time left in her studies and her expressed loneliness. It may seem the only sensible solution to him if they are to remain together.

A sensible decision for him would be to suspend [not end] the relationship until her studies are over. Both are free to pursue other friendships in the meantime, and if it were to turn out that they are both free to resume the relationship at a later date, then thats a viable option. Somewhat unlikely though; but as many will say, true love overcome all obstacles and all that.

Overall i think all the posters have more or less the same opinion.


Posts: 1706 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
10yearsafter
♂ Member
Member # 43139
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why not just take the whole college thing out of the equation for now and focus on your problem at hand. Don't make any snap decisions about anything at this time.

You probably are suffering emotionally and have so many thoughts running through your head. You are confused, scared and anxious.

I disagree with OK Now you can not blame your actions on alcohol. That is a cop out and it is not the truth. You must tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth. If you say your were taken advantage of then your BF may want to hunt the guy down and who knows what. He may say "Were you raped?" There are so many possible bad out comes from that whole scenario you could cause way more damage. Please don't do that.

God Bless you and give you strength to see you through this.


Posts: 190 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Texas
splitintwo
♀ Member
Member # 42951
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agree 100% re: taking the college thing out of the equation.

In another thread, the idea was thrown out that a spouse should quit her job (which had ZERO to do with the affair) to focus on the marriage.

This is one of the most volatile scenarios you can put a relationship through. Doing things that put one party into a position of financial insecurity & dependence is not good for anyone. It solves absolutely nothing, and it creates an entirely new layer of issues within the relationship/marriage.


BH: 42
WW: 37
LTA ended Jan. 1, 2014; NC started in April.
Married 17 years.
No DDay; this, like all of life's decisions, is a work in progress.

My best thinking brought me to SI.


Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2014
HorribleGF
♀ Member
Member # 43178
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not making any decisions on my college educations as of now. It will be something discussed in depth when the time is right.
As for taking 1 maybe 2 years off, it would not hurt me financially, as I have multiple job offers back home, most paying extremely well. So financially I would be more then okay. Many of the government jobs where I am from are high paying and require no degree as well (although I am aware that having one is a huge help). So if I play my cards right, who knows, maybe I do find a career I enjoy. But I personally would like to finish my degree before I'm 30.
I will also NOT be telling him that I was taken advantage of. Because I wasn't. If I can say "I have a boyfriend" I can say "no". It's that simple. I made the decision. Saying I was taken advantage of would be lying. It would be dodging the bullet, an 'easy out' in a way. Because then he would not be mad at me so much as mad at the OM. I cheated. I made the decision. Now I must deal with the consequences.
I will definitely be turning him to this site, as it has helped me more then I can express. I certainly didn't expect to wake up to so many new comments. It was nice to see all the responses advice.


Me: 20
BBF: 22
Dday: 28/04/14
Years together: 3.5

Posts: 51 | Registered: Apr 2014
10yearsafter
♂ Member
Member # 43139
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you! You seem to be thinking this through with as clear a mind as one could expect given the situation.

I am confident that no matter the outcome you can move forward knowing you did the right thing.

You are mature for your young age. Your wisdom will protect and keep you in the future. Listen to the wise voice in your head and you will be OKAY.


Posts: 190 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Texas
Owl6118
♂ Member
Member # 42806
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well thought through.

Good luck to you, GF. I will think of you over the days to come with good wishes.


Posts: 62 | Registered: Mar 2014
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As you go through life you will not encounter much outright honesty; its a rare commodity. Most of us adjust the truth on a everyday basis to make it more palatable; more acceptable.

When my late grandma was diagnosed with cancer she became near hysterical and tearfully asked for further information. The doctor did not tell her the truth, that it was terminal, he assured her that it was treatable and she calmed down. A white lie that prevented acute distress for all concerned. Likewise the brutal truth, that you willingly sought sex from the OM to satisfy your need for carnal release, may very well end your relationship for good. Blaming the influence of alcohol is a white lie that may keep you together and allow him to forgive.

My teenage son asked for a cookie this morning. Since he is on a sugar restricted diet I told him they were all gone. Not really; just another example of how we are forever adjusting the truth; in this case to avoid conflict [and whining].

To me, the dogmatic, rigid demand that you must always tell the precise truth is ridiculous. I asked my boss last week how he thought I has handled my latest project. He said he was satisfied; I happen to know from other sources that our team screwed up and the managerial team was not happy. My boss didn't want to spoil my weekend, demotivate me or cause distress. Another white lie. Life is full of them.


Posts: 1706 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
HorribleGF
♀ Member
Member # 43178
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand that life is full of lies, and we tell them all the time to prevent people from being hurt.
But if I told him I was taken advantage of, to prevent him from being hurt. Why wouldn't I just keep the whole thing from him? I see no point in substituting one lie for another.
I am not blaming my decision on the alcohol. it had an effect on the outcome of the night, but it was not the sole factor.


Me: 20
BBF: 22
Dday: 28/04/14
Years together: 3.5

Posts: 51 | Registered: Apr 2014
Owl6118
♂ Member
Member # 42806
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWIW, and with all the goodwill in the world toward OK now and her perspective, I think you are doing the right thing.

Posts: 62 | Registered: Mar 2014
steadychevy
♂ Member
Member # 42608
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I commend you on your commitment to honesty. IMO honesty is the best policy. Little lies, big lies, white lies, lies by omission are all still lies. Further explanation (or bigger lies) is required when some more information is found out. Whatever it was will be worse for the cover up. The truth always seems to come out eventually.

I didn't go back and read your full story but I believe you knew you shouldn't go out for drinks but went anyway and it went from there. The drinking is only part of the issue. Decisions were made all along a slippery slope. It is so heartening to me that you have recognized this and are being very proactive. If you buried it it would always be there like a weight that would not let you be genuine in your relationship. Being less than honest is not a way to start the most intimate relationshi you ever hope to have. Also, I think an infidelity left unresolved could make one more vulnerable for future infidelities.

I pray that, given time to heal, given time to grieve, your BF will recognize what a wonderful young woman you are, can reconcile. I do believe this though - if he doesn't (because it is very difficult and may be the most difficult thing he will ever do)there is some special man who will.

My prayers are with you.


BH(me)63
WW-57
M 37 years
DDay1-09/1/13;DDay2-10/13;DDay3 12/19/13
LTA-09/02-11/02 EA;12/02-?/06 PA
OM -COW
"dates" w/3 former lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment;years of lies, denial

Posts: 91 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Canada
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One thing for sure, I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you on Monday. You are a very courageous young lady and I wish you well whatever the outcome.

Posts: 1706 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with OK now. Know that BSs and WSs stand together with you on Mon as it's the right thing to do. You are a brave and courageous woman. You can do this. I wish you well.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2100 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
HorribleGF
♀ Member
Member # 43178
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd like to thank all of you for your support and advice. Monday is going to be hard. But I know I will have the advice and support of all of you backing me up when the time comes.
I hope my BBF can find the same support here if he chooses to make use of it. I'm sure it would be a great help to him as well.
This will most likely be my last post until after Dday, as I have lots of packing and studying to do before I leave Sunday.
I think the 26 hour solo drive will give me a lot of time to calm myself, and prepare myself for what is going to happen. It will also be a perfect time to reflect on myself and find out exactly why the ONS happened. It's going to take some soul searching, but I'm determined to find out exactly what the reason was, so I can work on fixing myself. There is no point in trying to fix my relationship if I remain broken.


Me: 20
BBF: 22
Dday: 28/04/14
Years together: 3.5

Posts: 51 | Registered: Apr 2014
10yearsafter
♂ Member
Member # 43139
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, very good. You get it. You know what you need to do. You are on your way to healing. I know it does not feel like it now but with that attitude things will eventually get better.

Since you realize you need to fix something within yourself the process has already begun.

I pray for both of you.

No matter what we will be here for you.

God Bless and have a safe trip.


Posts: 190 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 59
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