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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What is the next step?
katyp
♀ New Member
Member # 43202
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have never used a forum of any kind before,but I really need to write my story to get it out. I feel my friends are trying but just don't understand. I am 30 and have been with my partner for just under 2 years. We live together (in my property).
When we first met he seemed too good to be true. Spoiled me and my daughter and has a lovely family and always wanted to stay in with me. After about a year i started getting a funny feeling as he started acting strange with him phone. I'm going to try and shorten the story as much as possible. Basically I went through his phone and found facebook messages and texts that were quite flirty to ALOT of female friends. Then I found explicit texts to an old flame. Then messages on craigslist (which i'd never heard of) where he'd been arranging to meet up and posting photos. It wasn't clear if he'd actually met with any of them as I could tell messages had been deleted every few days. I broke up with him straight away but he persuaded me back saying he had low self esteem and just wanted to see people found him attractive. He made all kinds of promises, he'd give me his passwords etc. So we took it slow. But I didn't let him move all of his stuff back in until I trusted him so he stopped paying me rent as he said he needed to pay it to his mum for keeping his stuff in her spare room (i've since found out this isn't true. for a year he's paid nothing, no gas electric rent council tax etc)
He also became more moody since then like walking on eggshells. Well a few weeks before christmas and my birthday i found out he'd actually taken a local girl out on a date he met in our local pub. I saw all his texts begging her, saying we had just broken up. This seemed more intense, she was quite pretty. And he was focused just on her not loads of random strangers. This strangely made me want to keep him, the thought of him taking her out on a date and being as lovely as he was to me at the beginning. Also he dropped her straight away and was being lovely to me again, so even though i knew it was right to leave him, i didn't. as it wasnt what i wanted i just wanted it all to go away. Then afew weeks ago i started getting that feeling again. he was on his phone constantly. i went through it, turned out hes been using this 'hot or not' app, was sexually texting over 20 girls, had met at least one of them and she said they kissed (he denied the kiss) but he did book a hotel room (which he cancelled to go out with his friends) and also had been arranging to meet with another local girl who knew he was in a relationship. I broke up with him but then the first night he went out and i feel so ashamed but i begged him to come back to mine as i couldnt handle the thought of him moving on. Since then he's been living at mine but being horrible. Every time i try to hug him and have affection that im craving from him he says 'you are the one who dumped me dont mess with my feelings' but hes going out every weekend having fun and he just bought an expensive festival ticket so i asked for some money towards bills and he said 'well im looking for somewhere to live arent i' saying all i care about is money (remembering hes paid nothing for a year) its like he know he has a hold over me and everytime i ask him who hes texting he starts saying i dont have a right to ask. but he hasnt even told his family we've broken up. It has messed with my head so much. I know i am being stupid and am literally letting him use me and walk all over me. But i cant handle the though of him moving on so quickly and humiliating me and also he is quite confrontational and aggressive verbally so even though i know he would never touch me and im not scared of him i feel too weak to deal with that scene right now. I feel so tired and i'm constantly crying when i think of the future we planned. How do i deal with this?? Thank you for reading.

Posts: 15 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: London
TrustedHer
♂ Member
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's consistently lied to you for 2 years, your entire relationship, about dating other women and paying rent to his mother. He's given you nothing but grief, aggravation, and now fear.

I know i am being stupid and am literally letting him use me and walk all over me. But i cant handle the though of him moving on so quickly and humiliating me and also he is quite confrontational and aggressive verbally so even though i know he would never touch me and im not scared of him i feel too weak to deal with that scene right now.

After the trauma we suffer, none of us finds our strength immediately. Some take longer than others.

Please read in the Healing Library. There's a link at the upper left. Read the BS FAQ in there.

Here's the main thing you need to know: The rest of your life is about you. It's not about him. It's not about what he thinks, what he does, how quickly he moves on. By the way, he moved on 2 years ago when he slept with other women. Yes, he probably slept with them, regardless what he says. He's a liar and a cheat, remember? You deserve better.

In the States, since you own the property and there are no kids and no marriage, it would take one phone call to the police to get him out of the house. One call to a locksmith to get the lock changed. A half hour with friends to move his stuff to the street. I would hope it's not much harder in London.


Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5181 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
katyp
♀ New Member
Member # 43202
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a look it was helpful thank you it is so quite depressing to know so many people are capable of doing this though :(

Posts: 15 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: London
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry. There are no words to capture what scum this man and those like him are. You are missing the good times, but those are long gone based on your story. The memory of them is not enough to justify trying to be with someone as broken as this guy obviously is. Whereas you have so many obvious good qualities--you're honest and loving and kind. Please, find someone who will honor those attributes and treat you with the respect you deserve.

Kick him out of your house NOW and then get into counseling stat to address why you feel the current status quo is to any degree acceptable. I also recommend reading on baggage reclaim--maybe start here: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/we-cant-keep-trying-to-recapture-the-beginning-of-a-relationship-weve-got-the-present-to-live-in/


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Katyp (someone from one of my most favourite cities in the world). Welcome to SI. I'm very sorry you find yourself here but you have come to the right place. Yes, it's time to move "Mr. Wonderful" to the curb. When I read through your post I can't help but hear some codependency on your part which is making you struggle to let him go. You already know that's what you need to do but are having such a hard time letting him go. Have you read up on the 180 yet? It's designed for you to detach and get better. You may not need all of it, but there are various aspect of it that you can use to try to get yourself into a better head space and get well. Granted the more preferred action would be to throw him out and never look back but you have already tried doing that a few times. Not sure if this will help you, but you can read these:

180 can be found under BS FAQ here:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

And more info under the target thread here:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=232785

The longer he is with you, the more emotional damage he will be capable of doing to you, and that daughter of yours.

Keep posting. Keep reading.

How are you feeling today Katyp?


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2179 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
katyp
♀ New Member
Member # 43202
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow Norabird thanks for posting that link it was really interesting and made me look at things in a different light!

Posts: 15 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: London
katyp
♀ New Member
Member # 43202
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yearsofpain25 thank you for the reply, I am feeling in an angry rather than sad mood today. which i find easier. Kind of like why are all of us lovely people even wasting our thoughts and time on these people that don't deserve it. When i read other peoples stories it makes me look at my own situation from an outside point. How are you?

Posts: 15 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: London
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know who he is and what you're dealing with.

Throw this bum out.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have also found anger to be a more useful took than sadness for myself. I can at least channel angry energy into something productive sometimes.

So what about this bloke that you are with? Any thought on getting yourself to emotionally detach from him so that you can move forward with this:

I know i am being stupid and am literally letting him use me and walk all over me. But i cant handle the though of him moving on so quickly and humiliating me and also he is quite confrontational and aggressive verbally so even though i know he would never touch me and im not scared of him i feel too weak to deal with that scene right now. I feel so tired and i'm constantly crying when i think of the future we planned. How do i deal with this??

First of all you are not being stupid. You are pulled by him and he knows he has you emotionally wrapped around his finger. He's played with you and has you hooked. There's a saying around here that goes something like this:

Don't
Even
Think
About
Changing
Him

So what are your thoughts on getting yourself well so that, like my esteemed colleague Mr. Merlin points out, you are in a better place to get rid of him? Or are you not really thinking of trying to get him out the door anymore?


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2179 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
katyp
♀ New Member
Member # 43202
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am trying to emotionally detatch myself first. I get home from work 6.45pm he leaves for work about 7pm. Usually I cook his dinner and make him lunch before he goes. I think without admitting it I was trying to act perfect so he wouldn't look elsewhere. Tonight is the first night I haven't done that. He was moody when he left but I found it annoyed me rather than upset me. Like he just assumes and takes for granted i do so much more for he, he just expects it. I think I am only sad about the person I thought he was at the beginning and my own ideas in my head about the future rather than him. I've realised he is actually not very nice, and he doesn't have any natural empathy towards any situations eg when a pet died. It has set alarm bells off in my head before now. I have also come to realise i am not going to get the closure I want, the apology or the realisation from him just how devastating what he done was. But I am worried i keep putting it back. i always think 'oh i have a hard weel at work i'll do it next week' or 'i'm feeling down i just want one more good day before i do it' etc. there is never a good or right time but i feel i'm very close to making that final break! i feel absolutely sick and distraught at the thought of it but also there is a tiny tiny (and i mean tiny) bit of excitement coming through at the thought of getting all his things out and spring cleaning the house. Also i'm looking forward to the point where i'm not experiencing a constant low level stress wondering what he's doing/who he's talking to ALLLLLL of the time!

Posts: 15 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: London
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

These are some good first steps and realisations. Keep what you know to be him fresh in your mind and you will feel your tolerance for him will continue to diminish. The more you write about his the more he sounds like a narcissist and I don't use that word lightly as I have one in my life and seem to be talking about them quite a bit lately.

Hmmm... Lack of empathy...tick. Walking on eggshells around him...tick. Sound very full of himself and his need for validation with women...tick. Self centered...tick. His sense of entitlement by sticking around and using you...tick. Sounds like a narcissist to me.

You could be dodging a MAJOR bullet here katyp. The sooner you get him out of there the better for you and that daughter of yours. These types can be pretty scary in my experience and cause too much damage.

ETA - keep focusing in on how much of an arse he is to help yourself to continue to detach.

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 3:08 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday)]


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2179 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
katyp
♀ New Member
Member # 43202
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes do you know my best friend the first time she met him said there was something very off about him. Also my mother can't stand him, he makes every conversation a debate where he is always right and other opinions don't count. He also lies ALOT. I saw alot of his messages he'd massively exagerrate his job or what he earned. And the very first time I caught him out he outright denied everything even though I had proof in front of me. Actual proof but he denied it so point blank I didn't know how to deal with it and started doubting it. After I caught him again though and denying didn't work he changed his excuses.
I had a read on you story I am very very sorry to hear what you have had to and are still dealing with, I think you have done amazingly well to go through that and still be on here listening to other people, so thank you.

Posts: 15 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: London
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The pleasure is mine katyp. Keep focusing on the negative you have here with him. You know that this guy is terrible for you. You have to remind yourself of all the negative. There are reasons this type of person can be so dangerous. It often boggles my mind that these individual walk through the world like they own it.

I also understand that it still stings. Sometimes it stings more than usual because this type of person can really be charming in so many ways and get you wrapped up in their world. Which is what you are experiencing. I firmly believe the more you detach and the further you get away from him, when you look back you will feel more like this

I have to run to take care of my kids, but I will check up on you later. Keep posting. Keep reading.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2179 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How you doing today katyp?


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2179 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
k9lover1
♀ Member
Member # 8531
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are already taking steps in the right direction - good for you. Keep it up.

It sounds like you are a loving, kind and generous person. Don't give that gift to someone who doesn't appreciate it.

Change is never easy and I know this is very painful to go thru, but you can do it.


D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8109 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
katyp
♀ New Member
Member # 43202
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone. Today I feel I have taken a step back. I'm going to a show with his sister in law tomorrow that was booked ages ago. He's asked me not to tell her but I already have as we are quite close. So I am worried about him finding out and being mad. Even though I feel like saying if he is ashamed he shouldn't of done it in the first (and second and third) place. Also as he is worried he is being really nice to me so its confusing me a bit. How is everyone else doing?

Posts: 15 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: London
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very gently, I see no reason for confusion. So what if he's being nice to you now, you know? Really, you've got to get free of this guy. He's not nice. He's not trustworthy. He has no integrity. He's toxic for you. Admit this mistake (or lesson, if you prefer), cut your losses immediately and ask him to leave. Anything less will be your participation in creating more problems for yourself.

Don't be a victim any longer. You must take action to remove yourself from him, immediately. I hope you will.


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 953 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know it's tough katyp but you need to continue to detach from this guy. Does him being angry frighten you?


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2179 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi katyp. I know that you are wounded and hurt. This is tough stuff you are dealing with and kicking him to the curb is not as easy emotionally as it seems. Know that I'm periodically going to keep popping in on you and bumping up your thread until you get stronger. I can see your eyes opening a little bit more with each of your posts on SI. How are you feeling about your situation today?


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2179 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Topic Posts: 19

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